.:I Never Thought I'd Come To This, What's It All About?:.
Dear Neko-Chan,
I write this in the vain hope that somehow, someway, you could see me as worthy of your time and attention. It's not like my feelings for you for so long have ever been a secret, but I sublimated them because I was afraid of ruining how things are for us, and of course, because of my own personal rules for a less complicated life.
Yet, despite all that, you continue to be the one person who gets me all twisted up inside like this. You are the only exception.
For the first time in ages, I have a moment of clarity. I want to put my neck out there and risk rejection because you're worth it. I've dabbled in it many times in the past, but I never quite went out and just really, blatantly asked you for anything.
I want you to see that I'm nothing like the others who can take you for granted and turn their backs on you because it serves them well to do so, precisely because I'm all about you. I want you to see that you have been such a positive force in my life, and I may very well never find someone who can even come close to you. Knowing you has given me a unique perspective in who I want to love. My standards have become astronomically high, and I don't regret that one bit. Ultimately, I only backed away because I didn't want to get hurt.
But now? I'm ready to get hurt. I'm ready to take rejection to my face and say that at least, I tried, and I know for myself now. It took me this long to realize it, but you are worth that very effort, and I willingly swallow all my pride and accept the embarrassment of having egg on my face for living in denial for so long. I want you. I need you. And I'm not afraid for you to know this, because I know that you know this all comes from a good place.
I'd be the last person to ever force you into anything, so all I can do is ask if you find me worthy of a chance. If you don't think so, I would respect that, but I know it would be painful to me. It would be devastating, even. Yet I realize that what would be more painful and devastating would be if I were to look at my life years from now, and I'd end up asking myself, "what if?" I don't think I want to live on anymore not knowing what that answer could have very well been.
Perhaps I feel spurred to action right now because of weird circumstances, but does that matter, really? All I know is that the highlight of my day has always been the moment when I know I made you smile. I don't know how to love you, because I don't know if giving you everything would make you feel cherished, or scare you away. I may not know much, but I know that I won't hurt you or make you cry. And I say this with confidence, because in as long as I've known you, I've done exactly just that. I've never hurt you, I've never made you cry, and I sure as Hades won't start now.
I don't know where to start, in all honesty. I hope I've made you see how different I am, and how much I care about you. I hope I've made you feel cherished and special. Despite all of that, I worry that I simply am not the kind of guy you're looking for, and all of this will just become a funny story you get to share with your friends. But I'll be damned if I didn't try.
I have loved you for so long with no expectations of reciprocation. Now, I can only hope that you see me as someone worth giving a chance to.
Dear Neko-Chan, today, you have my heart. I now give you the power to break it, or make me the happiest man alive, with but a chance to prove myself to you.
And if I haven't said it enough yet, I love you. More than you'll ever know.
2 comments:
Why won't you tell her that?
She knows,
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