Friday, August 30, 2013

2Hot 4 8List: 8 Mind-Blowingly Stupid Comments I Regularly See On List Sites

(2Hot 4 8List are lists that for various, often obvious reasons, need to be published on a personal capacity, rather than as something that de facto represents the website I love to write for. I hope you enjoy it, because whether or not they ended up on the site, I still worked pretty hard on them, minus the epic graphic design you've come to know and love from the 8List.)

.:Too Hot To 8List: 8 Mind-Blowingly Stupid Comments I Regularly See On List Sites:.

Yep, that's me. Always ahead of the curve with my memetic up-to-dateness.

Believe it or not, list writers do take time from our awesomely busy, jetsetting schedules of saving the world and repopulating it from time to time while writing lists to go and read the comments from time to time, and I’ve noticed some amazing insights, witty commentary, and even brilliant analysis of our articles.

This list is not about those types of comments.

What this list is about are those comments that you take one moment to read, and then suddenly, your faith in humanity dips just a little more. It’s the kinds of comments that make you channel Billy Madison’s principal, because the comments are among the most insanely idiotic things you’ve ever heard. At no point in their rambling, incoherent response were they even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. It’s at that point that you award the comment no points, and ask for God to have mercy on the commenter’s soul.

8. The Comment: “Hayyy. Another article that failed to entertain me.”

Damn, I should have tried harder.

The Stupid: I’m sure every single writer on any given website out there fears the person whose exquisite, discerning tastes are never quite met by any of the free content they get from the websites they keep going back to. Remember what people say about bad relationships and how you should get out of them as soon as you can? Please, by all means, get out of this one already, for we are truly doomed unto failure.

Reply With: “Oh, I’m sorry. Next time we write a free article for you to read for free on this free website, we will try our very best to meet your demanding standards, and not the standards of the 200,000 other people who actually enjoyed the list.

Or, you know. You could just go to some other website.”

7. The Comment: “You must be a paid hack for (insert their political/religious/ideological opponent here). You must be a gay to be such a liar.”

Also pictured: a graph of how much I care about "opinions" like those.

The Stupid: It’s so nice to see people with such limited perspective think that anyone who disagrees with them must be a paid hack and gay (as if that has anything to do with anything), and not someone who simply has a, *gasp* contrary opinion.

Reply With: “U mad, bro?”

6. The Comment: “Poorly researched article. So disappointing.”

Noble cause, bro.        

The Stupid: They don’t know that all that blue text with underlines in your articles meant hyperlinks. Hyperlinks that establish you didn’t pull your insights from out of thin air. 

You know why I say this? Because most of these commenters demand that you show your sources.

Reply With: “You don’t know what a hyperlink is. So disappointing.”

5. The Comment: “Actually, item #X is not true. Tsk, tsk. Such a lazy writer.” (Despite the fact that this very fact is mentioned in the text of item #X.)

                                                                                                            via xkcd
This cannot stand.
 The Stupid: Well, the parenthetical remark said it all. It’s pretty obvious they haven’t been reading the article and just jumped straight to the comments after seeing the headings. The barb at the end just drips with irony, too.

Reply With: “Hi. You didn’t actually read the article, did you? Tsk, tsk. Such a lazy reader.”


Their secret weapon, unveiled.

The Stupid: So. Many. Feels. Not only do commenters like these go postal in the comments section, more often than not, they don’t even make one lick of sense. The best/worst of these comments usually end up being walls of text with CAPS LOCK. These comments are just so inane, they’re not just tl;dr (Too Long; Did not Read) – they’re tl;ogpstpnmtmn (Too Long; Oh God Please Stop The Pain No More Take Me Now).

I seriously have to wonder how they would feel if someone just decided to read their comments aloud back to them. Would they realize how mind-numbingly moronic it is, or would the sound just echo in between that empty space in between their ears?


3. The Comment: “Oh, no! A paid article!”

                                                                  via Chaplle Show
Sorry, I forgot. Internet writers have no rights.
The Stupid: The “com” in “.com” doesn’t stand for “complimentary.” It should be pretty obvious that any given commercial website needs money to keep going, because as selfless as we are, we writers have to eat sometime, too! Like, maybe once a week? Pretty please? It’s this kind of entitlement complex that makes so many of us whine when we actually have to start treating our household help like human beings who are also our employees, and we actually need a law just to make it happen.

Of course, nobody’s stopping you from throwing a billion bucks on their lap to tell your favourite website to stop doing paid posts for the next year or two, unless you’re Janet Napoles. 

Reply With: “I know, right? How dare a commercial website try to, gasp, make money! We are now ashamed of ourselves, doing all this free content you enjoy so that we could pay our bills; instead of doing it all for your joyous love and approval, which we totally could feed our families with!”

2. The Comment: “Okay sana, kaso sana Tinagalog mo na lang para naintindihan ng lahat ng Pinoy!”

                                                    via fiercesdaily
Pinoy Pride! Yeah.

The Stupid:
 Are they really that dim to think that the Philippines is only about the Tagalogs? Try saying that to our hardcore Cebuano friends, some of whom barely understand Tagalog, and see where that gets them.

These people are the exact reason why we now have literary “classics” like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey translated into Filipino.

Reply With: “Naintindihan mo naman yung article, diba? O sadya ba talagang may hinahanap ka lang maiangal sa buhay mo ulit?”

1. The Comment: “Bakit walo lang ang nilista niyo?” (Specifically asked in the 8List.)

What could this arcane symbol possibly mean?!?

The Stupid: What part of 8List did they miss? 

Reply With: “Hayaan mo, next time, magtatayo kami ng para idagdag yung tatlong iyan – na nabanggit ko na nga pala sa text ng list. Nagbabasa ka ba?”

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

So... Death Threats

.:So... Death Threats:.

Real journalists get death threats because they try to expose the truth and fight for what's right. I get mine for writing a comedy article. Huh.

Well, maybe not entirely a comedic one, but if you read the list, you'd see that it was anything but a 100% serious article, what with the bait-and-switch I pulled on people who expected to see a bunch of sex scandals because they saw "Chito Miranda" and "scandal" in the title. It was a nice touch, got a lot of readership, and even got shared on Yahoo, where it got a whole lot of mileage.

And that's where things went nuts, because, hey, it's Yahoo, and their comments section is just a small step above YouTube's.

Anyways, at the end of the Yahoo feed of this particular list (Look for it yourself, as I'm not keen on screencapping it or linking to it here.), the comments section went abuzz with the usual homophobic, self-righteous, non-sequitur comments, especially from people who were clearly annoyed that I didn't list Hayden Kho among the scandals they were hoping to see. That's par for the course, and I'm kinda used to those comments on Yahoo, even if they haven't been directed to me in the past.

What caught me by surprise was the noticeable vitriol coming from members of "Ang Dating Daan," as they proceeded to rail against me for daring to point out a scandal that actually exists, but just so happens to involve their leader, Brother Eli Soriano. Which is mind-boggling, because for those who bothered to read, I made it a point to mention that he could very well be innocent, and that's actually my presumption.

What I do not presume, though, is that Brother Eli's dogma is not sexist or homophobic in nature. I don't care if he points to the Bible as his source for his views until he turns blue: pointing to the Bible as an inspiration for your sexist or homophobic ideas does not magically make your ideas no longer sexist or homophobic. It simply means that in a book supposedly about love, salvation, redemption, and goodness, you decided to hold onto the parts that just so happened to be sexist or homophobic to push your agenda, while conveniently ignoring the parts that happened to condemn menstruation or allowed for slavery or something. What? You can't ignore all the hateful parts?

So, anyways. The comments were mostly your usual ones, calling me a paid hack for the Iglesia ni Cristo (Newsflash: I'm a freethinker.), gay, and a bunch of other silly accusations. Then they started data mining to find out my full name and where I live, and shit got real. Thankfully, their attempts at mining data is far from accurate, but wow, that sure escalated quickly.

A few days later, I received a message from someone claiming to not be a part of ADD, but an avid viewer of their television programming. I don't know how that works, but whatever. Essentially, the gist of what he's trying to say is that I shouldn't be so shocked, and in fact, have no right to be surprised at people getting all angry at me, because how dare I insinuate wrongdoing upon Brother Eli, never mind that every single human being in this world has definitely had their share of wrongdoing. That I shouldn't bring the issue up, because it's embarrassing. Right. Because Brother Eli should never be brought up unless in a positive light, right?

So, yeah. The vague attempts at making me fear for my life, coupled with this not-too-subtle message to me annoyed me, more than anything else. Just as Brother Eli is free to remain a fugitive from the law, while an outstanding warrant of arrest is still out there for him, I am also free to point out this fact. Because it is a fact. I'm not saying he totally raped a dude, but clearly, the dude is saying Brother Eli did, and I'd be a liar if I said that never happened.

And please don't give me that crap about Brother Eli clearly being innocent since he has yet to be arrested, when here we are, still looking all over the country for Janet Napoles.

It's funny, really. I write for the 8List mostly for the lulz. Every now and then, I try to mix the lulz with some sobering commentary, to the best of my ability. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that a bunch of overly defensive people would implicitly threaten to endanger my well-being just because I pointed out some things that happened to have been in the news, even if so many of us already forgot about it.

.:Speaking Of Lists...:.

I decided that from this point on, if some of my 8List articles get rejected or taken down for being too "controversial," then I'd be more than happy to post them here. Maybe I'd post that one about annoying comments, but the one I really wanted to write was something about how Kim Chiu should fire her agent.

Fun times, fun times. Maybe at some point, I'd finally get to write a list for Cracked. That'd be the dream now, wouldn't it?

.:Well, Well, Well:.

After weeks, I finally managed to hang out with Mike Unson again, and we had a lot of interesting discussions about the state of comedy, new material, improv, and where things are headed in general. Definitely a great brain to pick, to put it plainly.

Watched Ekstra, the Vilma Santos indie film from Cinemalaya, and while it was awesome, I found it a bit anti-climactic. I mentioned it in passing on the Rowdy Empire, where I will be on air again tomorrow night, from 9-12MN, and it was fun catching it with my old friend TJ, but I have to admit that I found the ending anti-climactic. The ending ticked us off so much we ended up getting detained for a while. This is why I can't bring myself to write a review about it.

The handcuffs cannot tell a lie!

.:Last Week!:.

Unless we finalize a new deal, it's our last weekend in The Fort, as the newest improv group in the Philippines, Switch, performs from 7:30 PM onwards near the Jamba Juice area, or if it rains, in the Promod walkway. This is in Bonifacio High Street Central, the one with the fountains and stuff.

See you there, I hope?      

Monday, August 19, 2013

Just A Brief Update...

.:So Here We Go...:.The weather hasn't been good lately, and it's definitely taken a bit off of us when we would do our improv shows in The Fort. Nonetheless, Switch has been making a lot of strides lately, and I'm excited to discover where the group goes from here. It definitely feels like exciting times are upon us in this regard.

I think writing about improv has taken a backseat to plain living out improv. That's good, I guess.

.:The Weekend...:.

Well, it was fairly weird. Glad to hear our new restaurant, Burger Company, has been doing well, though. That being said, between hanging out with fellow Switch members as we just went ahead to make fun of each other in between random bouts of hilarity. Saturday was definitely amazing though, because after a looong time, I finally met some of the JGL (No, not Joseph Gordon-Levitt, sorry.) as we went out to celebrate Sacha's birthday over an awesome Skype party. I was a bit saddened to discover, though, that Lucas, the awesomest labrador ever, passed away and I never even knew.

It was really interesting seeing how things have changed for the JGL in the past decade or so. It's really hard to imagine that after all this time, this barkada is still around, older and wiser. Some are married. Some already have kids. Some are about to blaze a trail abroad. Some already are. And some, like myself, are underachieving as all get out.

It's all good, though.

.:Politics Is Depressing, No?:.
Here we are, feeling hot under the collar because these rains and floods are a sign that the Philippine government is still woefully inadequate at dealing with calamities. If only we had ten billion pesos to go into... oh, wait. We probably did. Except a bunch of politicians decided that they don't have time for that, and funneled their money into Janet Napoles, who decided to disappear into the night, and all I could think was if only we had Batman on our side, he'd probably capture her and send her to our doorstep, or something like that.

I'm down on this whole thing, really, but I can't let my cynicism get in the way of actually doing things in my own capacity to make things better. I have no plans to be a part of the problem, only a part of the solution. Eventually.    

Friday, August 16, 2013

Well. Huh.

If you haven't noticed yet, most of my writing effort has been directed towards the 8List as of late. It's really been eating up most of my writing time, and while I'm proud of what I've managed to accomplish there for the most part, I do feel a bit sad that I've really left my blog in shambles with the most sporadic of updates to show for it.

It's been a fairly see-sawing year so far. Met some new people, ended some longstanding things, tried to make the most of my year, really. Had some amazing first, possibly some amazing lasts, but overall, I wish it could be better.

Regrets have been slowly creeping in: regrets over not writing as often as I should, regrets about not really covering my life-changing experiences during the Manila Improv Fest last June, regrets about friendships lost, and lovers lost, for that matter.

And really, it's been eating its way into the present. I can't even meet new people now without having horrible flashbacks whenever I find myself in similar situations with them that point back to my recent mishaps. Whether it be new bro-tastic friends or more than that, everything just collapses.

But whatever. I'll keep on keeping on. I owe myself that much.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Why Chito Miranda Doesn't Need Our Help

.:Why Chito Miranda Doesn't Need Our Help:.

I'm not here to point fingers, or to laugh at what happened to Chito Miranda, the rock star who (obviously) has a sex life with his (beautiful) girlfriend. If finding out that he does the deed with someone he loves is such a surprise for you, then maybe you should really get out more.

But truth be told, I'm also mildly bemused when people say that in these so-called dark times for Chito, he needs our help. No, he doesn't.

Chito Miranda is a rock icon. He will probably go down in history as one of the all-time greats. His so-called scandal, while unfortunate, does nothing to erase that, nor should it in any way affect his girlfriend, if we were half-decent people who knew better than to judge other people for what they do in the privacy of their bedroom.

He deserves a bit of sympathy for the unfortunate leak of his video (which I haven't seen, since I like my eyes the way they are), sure. But our help? Hell, no.

The ones who need help are the people who are laughing at Chito right now, completely forgetting that no matter how "burnificating" he may look in that video, he's still in that video with someone who's probably hotter than 90% of us sitting here right now have ever dated. And she loves him. Are they really sure that the joke isn't on them?

The ones who need help are the people who think this is such a stain on Chito or Neri. Why? Because they did what any two consenting adults are wont to do when they are in a relationship? The only difference is we know this happens for a fact, but who knows what goes on behind everyone else's closed doors, and why should we care?

The ones who need help are the people who are making a huge stink out of two people screwing, while not making a single peep about how our country is being massively screwed over and yet we still let it happen right before our very eyes.

Chito deserves sympathy, but to have to think he's the one who needs help, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with him or what he has done is just being patently ridiculous. Before we even claim we have the ability to help a rock legend, maybe we should think about the opportunity cost we're incurring by letting this minor blip wag the dog on the people who deserve to be put to justice and called to question for the crimes they have actually done to this nation.

I don't care if it's a fallacy and people are perfectly capable of multi-tasking both fighting corruption and spreading Chito's video. The point still stands.