.:Delayed Reaction:.
I took the time to mull it over. Really, I did. I was thinking if I should let it go and just let it be unsaid. I also even had to decide if I would post it here, or on Facebook, where everything goes nowadays. But never something this long, I guess?
Years ago, I wrote about relationships happening for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Admittedly, I've lost a lot of friendships in the last few years. Out of sight, out of mind, people always say. And let's face it: there's also the fact that the way I obliviously carried myself for years (and maybe even now) has easily led to people cutting ties with me the first chance they got. Can't say I blame them for that. It is what it is.
But what if it's someone you were in the trenches with, and someone you absolutely would have taken a bullet for? And what if they just think you haven't been putting in enough - in the middle of a pandemic?
Don't get me wrong: I'm not entitled to anyone's friendship, much less remaining close friends with someone if they don't feel like it. And no, absolutely no reason needs to be provided. I get that.
But understanding doesn't make it hurt any less. And it stings. It really stings.
A lot of the fandoms I've been in are fandoms I'm reluctant to revisit simply because there's too much scorched earth, or I just don't want to wade into toxicity. That makes a whole lot of sense, and it's sensible to want to keep things that way.
But this one community? We had our own community. When the establishment was rolling its eyes at us, we threw our middle fingers at them and said it didn't matter where we came from, where we're headed to is where it's at.
So why is it that suddenly, without any warning? I'm not part of that journey anymore?
Right, right. I'm not owed any reasons or explanations. Sure. But surely I'm well within my rights to not be all right with that. Because I'm not.
There aren't too many regrets in my life, at this point. But I'll be honest with you: never being anyone's best man was one of them, and to this day, there's still a living reminder of how badly I screwed that one up. And there's always this weird feeling I get when I know I'm clearly not invited to a wedding despite having believed I was fairly close to one of the people in question. And don't worry - I don't presume a lot. In fact, I often assume the opposite.
But when you've been with these people for as long as you have, when they've been part of some of the biggest milestones of your life and you in theirs, isn't that exactly the kind of person you expect to be there for on their day, especially when you shared a unique bond with both of them?
I know, I know. Vagueposting or worse, naming people in posts I'll be embarrassed by years down the road has always been the key ingredient of this blog. Even then, as I think about it now, I don't think I'd just get over this.
I want to throw up some middle fingers at them. I want to curse them, call then names, and tell them how betrayed I feel. But... was I really betrayed? Again, I have no right to expect. But can you really blame me that I expected after every damned thing we've been through?
One of them told me that life is too short to fill it with trivialities. So I was just a triviality, then? I wish I coud tell you "how could you" in response, but I realize saying that puts me in a very terrible, embittered position. So I'll keep it to this blog. And I'll never bring it up with you, because you promised you'd still be civil if you run into me. And I told you I get it. And I didn't lie. I do get it.
But by "it," I mean "hurt." It hurts. It stings. And it sucks because I can't talk to you about it the way I used to just before the world changed thanks to a goddamned pandemic. And I want to be angry at you because of how you made me feel, and yet I know you don't deserve that from me, not when you promised to be "civil." So all I can do is be angry at myself and second-guess myself. Where did I screw up? Saan ako nagkulang?!?
Wow. That felt therapeutic. Or not. If anything, all I did was put into words what has been bothering me the last few months. And it's been gnawing at me ever since. All because I'm supposed to understand and I'm supposed to leave things at that. Even when every ounce of my being insists I shouldn't.
