The Apology You May Never See: The Unsent Series, Volume 6, Part I

.:The Apology You May Never See: The Unsent Series, Volume 6, Part I:.

Dear Nobility,

I'm sorry. 

There is no other way to say it. 

I'm. Sorry.

You feel that I will never change, except I have. By leaps and bounds. And all because of you. 

For that, I'm sorry. Because you wanted the change to be innate. But how could it be, when everything is borne and inspired by you?

You believe that I refuse to act like an adult.

For that, I'm sorry. When your world crumbles the way it does every time you walk away, I lose all semblance of pride and dignity. Being calm and composed ceases being an option.

But in the end, some things were said that simply cannot be put back in the bottle, and the painful part is, I wasn't the one who uttered them. 

For that, I'm sorry. Because clearly, I inspired so much vitriol that now, you reflect the worst things I think of myself.

Each time I look back on these Unsent letters, I always cringe. Half the time, I don't even remember who it was for any longer. But the embarrassment remains. Because I let my feelings do the talking each time I wrote one of these.

But inasmuch as these are all embarrassing ramblings I will never, ever be proud of, these are also among the fewest time where I am most honest with myself for the public record. Because as right or as wrong as my twisted point of view may be, it's my raw feelings, thinly veiled, barely concealed. The memories and the people may fade, but the pain never does. They are stark reminders that I have been through so much and, as sad as it is to come to terms with this, I have also inflicted so much.

Because I am sorry, Nobility. You are correct. I am toxicity incarnate. No matter how much I try to hold myself back, when I am triggered, I go off. It's an exercise in futility. After 36 years of being alive, the most progress I've ever had in being a better person was thanks to you. But I still have a long way to go. And for that, I am sorry.

I am sorry because you think I've given up, but the reality is, I am letting all of this hinge on a belief. A belief that you haven't. A foolish belief, it seems, but one that I hope you would come to realize before it's too late. Because I believe this is worth it. But I need you to see it the same way, or else I'd be in this alone all over again.

Because as sorry as I am, have you ever asked yourself, really, if you were? Your answer to that may very well determine our fate. 

But this much I know: this is the last time I will ever be this way for anyone. And maybe that's for the best.

I'm sorry. Yet at the same time, I'm left to ask: are you?

Agony

.:Don't Comment On The Layoff, Don't Comment... Ahhhhh, Too Late:.

So here I am again, blogging. Don't expect it to be a thing, though. I guess it just needed to be done.

But it's been ages. And very few things could get me out of just posting and Facebook and back into my blog, so I guess it has to be something important, right? Well, I suppose you might say that.

Three weeks. It's been around this long since Hun has been on her trip around Europe and Thailand, and while I'm happy she's been enjoying her time out there, it's been agony for me, just waiting for her. I don't think I've ever had a case of separation anxiety and general anxiety this bad before, yet here I am, counting down the days, hours, and minutes 'til she gets back, with equal bits of excitement and dread. After all, it's been a while.

Over the years, and looking back at my earlier entries in this blog, I've come to realize very recently that I have been far from the good person I've always wanted to be. I've overlooked a lot of things, I've been unbelievably selfish, and apparently, I've been anything but self-aware. Heck, I'm probably the poster boy for those fake woke people out there right now who are oh-so-progressive, yet turns out, have tons of skeletons in their closet. And saying "it was a different time" or "I'm not the same person anymore" isn't much of an excuse, really. The things people like me have done may not fill a rap sheet somewhere out there, but they sure get you "canceldt" pretty quickly in a lot of circles.

And I'd be a liar if I said none of these things happened. And I'm certainly not proud of them, and striving hard every single day to be better and to move past them. But that nagging question always lingers in my head: do I deserve the chance to move on? Do I deserve the chance to better myself, or should I still be paying the piper for all I've done in the past? It's a question I genuinely have been asking myself lately, and quite honestly, one I can't quite give an unbiased answer to.

You see, in the time I've spent apart from Hun, I've realized that as much as I strive to be better, not only have I failed, but I could also be so much better than where I am right now. In so many ways. And at an age where most people are supposed to "have it together" now, I realize I'm so far from the mark that it's hilarious. I'm still living in those so-called glory days where I could do no wrong in Philosophy class, and radio was so exciting, and it didn't matter that I wasn't making much or saving much because I'll get to that point - someday. Yet here we are at "someday," and I'm still... hovering. Floating around. And Hun has been my one guiding compass. The one person who looked at me and gave me direction at the point I needed it most.

There are days I wake up with wonder, thinking what I did right to deserve someone like that in my life.

But there are also days I wake up with fear, thinking what I did right to deserve someone like that in my life.

These last three weeks have been agony, even if to any outside observer, it shouldn't be that bad. It's been my past coming back to do a number on me. A reckoning for who I was and who I still am, despite everything I've done in hopes of bettering myself. And to wonder if I even deserve to be with the one person who finally gave my life a semblance of a plan and direction shakes me to my core. Because it's here that you see that I've run out of excuses. It's impossible to say that it's not me, if I still end up being a failure, with all the second chances I've been given.

And while I may not have it the worst in the world, it's still a far cry from all the bluster and potential I thought I had in what has turned out to be a decade and a half ago. It's a minor tragedy in unfulfilled potential and underachievement, but when it happens to you, it really, really opens your eyes to the possibility that you've just been lucky all this time.

And that your luck might be about to run out.

So when Hun comes back tomorrow from those three long weeks, all I can do now is hope that despite everything, despite all the shortcomings, despite all the unspeakable things I simply cannot take pride in, she still sees something worthwhile in me.

Because sadly, I can't really blame her if she doesn't.

Thank you for having been my world, Hun. You truly made a difference in my life.