It Still Stings

 .:Delayed Reaction:.

I took the time to mull it over. Really, I did. I was thinking if I should let it go and just let it be unsaid. I also even had to decide if I would post it here, or on Facebook, where everything goes nowadays. But never something this long, I guess?

Years ago, I wrote about relationships happening for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Admittedly, I've lost a lot of friendships in the last few years. Out of sight, out of mind, people always say. And let's face it: there's also the fact that the way I obliviously carried myself for years (and maybe even now) has easily led to people cutting ties with me the first chance they got. Can't say I blame them for that. It is what it is.

But what if it's someone you were in the trenches with, and someone you absolutely would have taken a bullet for? And what if they just think you haven't been putting in enough - in the middle of a pandemic?

Don't get me wrong: I'm not entitled to anyone's friendship, much less remaining close friends with someone if they don't feel like it. And no, absolutely no reason needs to be provided. I get that. 

But understanding doesn't make it hurt any less. And it stings. It really stings.

A lot of the fandoms I've been in are fandoms I'm reluctant to revisit simply because there's too much scorched earth, or I just don't want to wade into toxicity. That makes a whole lot of sense, and it's sensible to want to keep things that way.

But this one community? We had our own community. When the establishment was rolling its eyes at us, we threw our middle fingers at them and said it didn't matter where we came from, where we're headed to is where it's at.

So why is it that suddenly, without any warning? I'm not part of that journey anymore?

Right, right. I'm not owed any reasons or explanations. Sure. But surely I'm well within my rights to not be all right with that. Because I'm not.

There aren't too many regrets in my life, at this point. But I'll be honest with you: never being anyone's best man was one of them, and to this day, there's still a living reminder of how badly I screwed that one up. And there's always this weird feeling I get when I know I'm clearly not invited to a wedding despite having believed I was fairly close to one of the people in question. And don't worry - I don't presume a lot. In fact, I often assume the opposite.

But when you've been with these people for as long as you have, when they've been part of some of the biggest milestones of your life and you in theirs, isn't that exactly the kind of person you expect to be there for on their day, especially when you shared a unique bond with both of them?

I know, I know. Vagueposting or worse, naming people in posts I'll be embarrassed by years down the road has always been the key ingredient of this blog. Even then, as I think about it now, I don't think I'd just get over this. 

I want to throw up some middle fingers at them. I want to curse them, call then names, and tell them how betrayed I feel. But... was I really betrayed? Again, I have no right to expect. But can you really blame me that I expected after every damned thing we've been through?

One of them told me that life is too short to fill it with trivialities. So I was just a triviality, then? I wish I coud tell you "how could you" in response, but I realize saying that puts me in a very terrible, embittered position. So I'll keep it to this blog. And I'll never bring it up with you, because you promised you'd still be civil if you run into me. And I told you I get it. And I didn't lie. I do get it.

But by "it," I mean "hurt." It hurts. It stings. And it sucks because I can't talk to you about it the way I used to just before the world changed thanks to a goddamned pandemic. And I want to be angry at you because of how you made me feel, and yet I know you don't deserve that from me, not when you promised to be "civil." So all I can do is be angry at myself and second-guess myself. Where did I screw up? Saan ako nagkulang?!?

Wow. That felt therapeutic. Or not. If anything, all I did was put into words what has been bothering me the last few months. And it's been gnawing at me ever since. All because I'm supposed to understand and I'm supposed to leave things at that. Even when every ounce of my being insists I shouldn't.

Years In The Making

 .:Years In The Making:.

I haven't blogged in years. Years.

There was a time that blogging used to be a part of my identity. It was so integral to who I am, I probably wrote a lot of stupid crap over the years. No, scratch that - I know I wrote a lot of stupid crap over the years. Things that would make me cringe. Maybe even things that could get me canceled today. However which way those things may be, I can only hope that I've managed to grow enough as a person to at least be able to say that my blog only represents a part of me now. A small part, perhaps.

But what if I wanted to turn that around and let my blog at least represent something bigger than me? When was the last time I ever bothered doing that? 

I guess you might say like the Watcher suddenly interfering, something dire must be happening in the world for me to return to blogging after all this time. And while a lot of people have the luxury of pretending otherwise, this year's elections are as dire as they get.

I remember when I was in college, and I was just getting into the Ateneo Debate Society. They had a debate between Ninoy Aquino vs. Ferdinand Marcos, and lo and behold, Marcos won. You know why? Because people like me were arguing from emotion. That the atrocities of Martial Law were horrid, that these things were irrefutable, all the while not realizing that we needed to prove our point - not just assert it.

Meanwhile, the pro-Marcos side threw their "facts" unchecked - that it was a golden age. That so much got done. While all we had were a bunch of emotions. No wonder they won then.

Because see, here's the thing - all those "facts" were easily debunked if anyone cared to really investigate the truth behind those claims. Nowadays, we have tons of online resources who can confirm it. The facts don't care about our feelings, but the facts do spell out how horrible that era really was.

And really: if you think a bunch of buildings and infrastructures makes up for thousands of human rights violations, then yeah, there's a lot more to worry about than just the facts.

So yeah. This May. Whereas six years ago, I believed nobody was good enough to vote for president, this year is radically different. 

Anyone who would look at what Leni Robredo has done without the anti-LP blinders on would realize that this was someone who was going above and beyond the call of duty to render service to the Filipino people. And it didn't matter whether or not you voted for her - she just helped. It didn't matter if she lost in your province in 2016 - if you needed help, she will help.

Ignoring what she has done is a feat of mental gymnastics that I can never fathom. Because in contrast to her accomplishments which are openly available for public scrutiny, Bongbong Marcos has nothing but electoral protests to show for the last 6 years. If he truly wanted to make a difference, then where is the record of his actions? You can't go around assuming he did stuff in secret while ignoring the well-documented stuff Leni did. You're just lying to yourself at that point.

And we've heard all the arguments against the obvious guilt of the Marcos family: why aren't they in prison (Because despite having arrest warrants for people like Imelda, their allies in power refuse to enforce it)? Why don't we sue them (They've already been sued, and suing them again is literally unconstitutional)? What about the Aquino's (Who cares? Also, which Aquino is running for office again?)? And so on and so forth.

Ultimately, none of these arguments make any sense. It's all attempts to convince one's self that the Marcoses are in any way acceptable as leaders in this day and age.

I suppose that goes to show how forgiving a people we are. Imagine that: minsan na lang tayo makahuli ng magnanakaw at matay-tao convincingly, pagbibigyan pa natin makaulit? It's ridiculous. And it's disheartening to see how many people have been brainwashed through years and billions of pesos spent trying to change the narrative in an attempt to pretend that the Marcoses are in any way good for this country.

So here's where I throw the gauntlet. I believe in Leni Robredo not because she's some kind of messiah, but because she has the track record of competence and integrity that we need to start undoing the last 6 years of crassness, mediocrity, and machismo that pretty much undid all the gains our country maanged to accomplish before Duterte's term started.

I  believe in Leni Robredo because I believe she will hold those who should be held accountable for this quagmire we are now stuck in. The last thing I want is a leader who will come to power and ignore the ills of the past 6 years because it's convenient.

I believe in Leni Robredo because she unifies people of all walks of life, and inspires us to do better. Bongbong's supporters are not the enemy. If anything, they are the ones who will benefit from a Leni Robredo presidency, more than I personally will.

I believe in Leni Robredo because she recognizes that she is also accountable and thus listens to opposing views and is open to change. 

I believe in Leni Robredo because in the last 6 years, if she did something for this country, she has the receipts. I just need to take an honest look, and there it is.

Maybe you believe in Ping Lacson, or Manny Pacquiao, or Isko Moreno, or especially Ka Leody. I'd ask you to at least give Leni a fair shot as well, but more importantly, I'd simply ask you to consider whoever you like, except Bongbong Marcos. History has already established what kind of a person he is. It's not just his dad's crimes. Bongbong did not pay his taxes. Bongbong has a warrant of arrest for him in the United States. 

While it's easy to pretend that Leni Robredo is the "elite" choice, or someone only the rich people will elect, the reality is, she has always been helping the marginalized. I'm not the one who got anything from her during her tireless campaigns to help stamp out COVID at the height of the pandemic. I'm not the beneficiary. The masses are. 

Meanwhile, Bongbong is as elite as they come. He's filthy rich. He is so out of touch with the average Filipino. He has no idea how any of us live, because he lives in an ivory tower where people are at his beck and call and nobody dares contradict him over anything. That is a man who has lived with privilege all his life, and did nothing to help those less privileged than he is.

Don't believe me? Ask yourself: why does he need to ride first-class in a plane? Why does his family owe billions in taxes? Why does he not respect us enough to show up and debate people on neutral territory?

And when I say ask yourself, I mean ask yourself in all honesty: is this the kind of person you will be proud to introduce to your kids? Someone who has so many question marks and asterisks to his name that you have to always qualify every single good thing you can say about him? The red flags are there, but it's easy to give in to just thinking Noynoy and company were the reason we're in this mess today - except Noynoy's already dead, and the guy who took his place actually did worse than he did by every objective metric you can put out there.

Marcos has no concrete plans, no platform, and no solutions he could even offer to any of us. All he has are one-liners, denials, evasions, and handwaves. We deserve better than that.

So please May 9, these elections isn't a question of me, the Kakampink vs You, the BBM loyalist.

It's a question of: if you let BBM win, will all of us win? Because I can assure you: if Leni does, we all will. Because again, you, BBM supporter, are not the enemy.

But BBM and the rest of his family, who has sucked on the teat of this nation for decades and bled her dry, most certainly is.

This is not some schoolyard fight. This is the future of our entire nation. All we're asking at this point is for you to start looking at the big picture, because that middle finger you think you're throwing at us by voting for BBM? You're going to realize in the end that you fucked all of us over, not just the people you don't agree with.

But hey, if you're the kind of person who thinks the last 6 years was actually awesome and we need more of this shit, then I guess there's no reasoning with you. Some people just really want to see the world burn.

But if you actually give a damn where this country is headed, then please: vote for anyone but BBM. We deserve better than him. We all do.

The Apology You May Never See: The Unsent Series, Volume 6, Part I

.:The Apology You May Never See: The Unsent Series, Volume 6, Part I:.

Dear Nobility,

I'm sorry. 

There is no other way to say it. 

I'm. Sorry.

You feel that I will never change, except I have. By leaps and bounds. And all because of you. 

For that, I'm sorry. Because you wanted the change to be innate. But how could it be, when everything is borne and inspired by you?

You believe that I refuse to act like an adult.

For that, I'm sorry. When your world crumbles the way it does every time you walk away, I lose all semblance of pride and dignity. Being calm and composed ceases being an option.

But in the end, some things were said that simply cannot be put back in the bottle, and the painful part is, I wasn't the one who uttered them. 

For that, I'm sorry. Because clearly, I inspired so much vitriol that now, you reflect the worst things I think of myself.

Each time I look back on these Unsent letters, I always cringe. Half the time, I don't even remember who it was for any longer. But the embarrassment remains. Because I let my feelings do the talking each time I wrote one of these.

But inasmuch as these are all embarrassing ramblings I will never, ever be proud of, these are also among the fewest time where I am most honest with myself for the public record. Because as right or as wrong as my twisted point of view may be, it's my raw feelings, thinly veiled, barely concealed. The memories and the people may fade, but the pain never does. They are stark reminders that I have been through so much and, as sad as it is to come to terms with this, I have also inflicted so much.

Because I am sorry, Nobility. You are correct. I am toxicity incarnate. No matter how much I try to hold myself back, when I am triggered, I go off. It's an exercise in futility. After 36 years of being alive, the most progress I've ever had in being a better person was thanks to you. But I still have a long way to go. And for that, I am sorry.

I am sorry because you think I've given up, but the reality is, I am letting all of this hinge on a belief. A belief that you haven't. A foolish belief, it seems, but one that I hope you would come to realize before it's too late. Because I believe this is worth it. But I need you to see it the same way, or else I'd be in this alone all over again.

Because as sorry as I am, have you ever asked yourself, really, if you were? Your answer to that may very well determine our fate. 

But this much I know: this is the last time I will ever be this way for anyone. And maybe that's for the best.

I'm sorry. Yet at the same time, I'm left to ask: are you?

Thoughts Before I Turn 36...

.:Thoughts Before I Turn 36...:.

It's a few days before my birthday - one that I have zero plans of celebrating.

It's been a rough few weeks for me lately. Work has been extremely challenging, and I can't say  I've been conducting myself as well as I should have. Things have been going in extreme disarray, and lately, things have been weighing on my mind again.

I re-watched Delamar's episode of Str8 Up about Friendship. That episode shouldn't really be much of a surprise, since I wrote that episode myself, but needless to say, it really left an impression on me - that inevitably, people lose friends. For one reason or another, they do. And it doesn't matter if there was a point in time where you were tighter than a rubber band around Shaq's thigh, there will simply be some friendships where if you are out of sight, you are out of mind.

And it's not like anyone owes you an explanation when that happens. In fact, it's better for you to assume that you just fell out of touch over time, because the alternative might actually be far worse. It's a reckoning you're afraid to make, because you're afraid of what you might end up finding out about yourself. Because the reality is, looking back, you haven't really been as good a person as you thought you were.

So best to assume that you're no longer friends because you just lost touch with each other and drifted apart, than to recognize that maybe the reason they're no longer friends with you is that they just needed to find an excuse, any excuse at all, to strike you off. Because you're a toxic person, and everything you touch withers. And the only people left are the people who are too busy to find the time to detoxify their timelines, or the even fewer people who can genuinely put up with you.

And because you're too afraid of that reckoning, you are left with no choice but to let things be as they are: you can't say "sorry" if you don't even know if that's why they left. You can't reach out and restart anything for fear of rocking the boat. All you're left is to wallow in self-pity because you're too cognizant of the fact they don't owe you an explanation to lash out, but you're also too sentimental to just let it roll off your back like you know you should.

So where does that leave me? Quite honestly, I don't know. A part of me wishes I could reach out and fix all those rifts, but I don't know if it's worth it anymore. It's why I was so looking forward to the fresh start being in America could afford me. Alas, that wasn't meant to be. So now that I'm back here, I feel stuck here. And I feel like my world just got so much smaller because I don't quite know if I can bring myself to just run into these people again and not be affected by it.

My circles feel smaller. My world feels smaller. And there's nothing I could do about it.

Thank You, Baratillo.Net

.:Farewell, Juned:.

There was a time where the words "I'm a blogger" simply defined me, more than anything else. Through those formative years in my life, one name stood out as someone I always listened to, and always enjoyed the company of: Juned Sonido. He was, as many people have shared by now, the early blogosphere's version of Yoda.

I learned a lot, thanks to him. In fact, if I decided to write an 8List about the things I learned from him instead of this essay I'm now trying to put together, I'd have at least 5 lists to go around. But I'd be remiss if I didn't share a few memories from the man, so here are some of my favorites...

1. The first time I ever received a token from an event I attended as a blogger, I was beside myself in excitement. You have to understand, this was before people made a living out of blogging and social media. We were all hobbyists then, so being given a gift like I was felt like such a big deal at a time.

Juned looked at me, smiled, and reminded me to not "get too excited." And I realized right then and there that yes, I ran the risk of continuing to blog solely for these gift bags rather than because I loved to blog. It was a sobering wake-up call, and an eerie prediction of people who came in the future who were *all about the goodies.*

2. When he gave a talk about ethics for iBlog, oh wow. What a riot that was. In-jokes flew all over the place, and we had a whale of a time.

3. If it weren't for him and for Nina, I would have never known the joys of how to run a Binondo food tour.

And the memories are legion. I can't even begin to think about all the times we spent with each other, and the endless conversations we had, and the fact that I just sat there, under the learning tree, taking it all in.

The last time we met that wasn't by coincidence was in 2016, when he had me do a talk in his class. It was a great time, although I did notice how different he looked. But Juned was never one to tell us about his woes, and always focused on having engaging conversations that ran the gamut of the deepest, most ponderous topics, and the shallowest, most juvenile ones.

Here and there, I would run into him by pure chance. It's easy to take someone who felt so omnipresent for granted: it's not like he's ever gonna go away, is he? Is he?

Sadly, the answer to that, like for everyone else, is "yes. Eventually." And so we now say goodbye to a pioneer, a trailblazer, someone who was ahead of the curve long before blogging and social media and the very concept of an "influencer" were ever even things that roll off the tongue so naturally as they do in 2019. More than that, we say goodbye to a true friend. We've said goodbye to more than a few among our ranks over the years, and it never gets any easier or any less painful each time we have to.

Juned, thank you for your kindness, your time, and your friendship. Words cannot convey how much loss I feel right now, and my world feels that much poorer because of it. All I can hope is that wherever you are now, you are happy, eating all the lechon and hakaw you want. Save a space for us, because we'll be joining you there too, someday, in the great blogosphere in the sky.

We will miss you. Farewell, my friend and my mentor.

Agony

.:Don't Comment On The Layoff, Don't Comment... Ahhhhh, Too Late:.

So here I am again, blogging. Don't expect it to be a thing, though. I guess it just needed to be done.

But it's been ages. And very few things could get me out of just posting and Facebook and back into my blog, so I guess it has to be something important, right? Well, I suppose you might say that.

Three weeks. It's been around this long since Hun has been on her trip around Europe and Thailand, and while I'm happy she's been enjoying her time out there, it's been agony for me, just waiting for her. I don't think I've ever had a case of separation anxiety and general anxiety this bad before, yet here I am, counting down the days, hours, and minutes 'til she gets back, with equal bits of excitement and dread. After all, it's been a while.

Over the years, and looking back at my earlier entries in this blog, I've come to realize very recently that I have been far from the good person I've always wanted to be. I've overlooked a lot of things, I've been unbelievably selfish, and apparently, I've been anything but self-aware. Heck, I'm probably the poster boy for those fake woke people out there right now who are oh-so-progressive, yet turns out, have tons of skeletons in their closet. And saying "it was a different time" or "I'm not the same person anymore" isn't much of an excuse, really. The things people like me have done may not fill a rap sheet somewhere out there, but they sure get you "canceldt" pretty quickly in a lot of circles.

And I'd be a liar if I said none of these things happened. And I'm certainly not proud of them, and striving hard every single day to be better and to move past them. But that nagging question always lingers in my head: do I deserve the chance to move on? Do I deserve the chance to better myself, or should I still be paying the piper for all I've done in the past? It's a question I genuinely have been asking myself lately, and quite honestly, one I can't quite give an unbiased answer to.

You see, in the time I've spent apart from Hun, I've realized that as much as I strive to be better, not only have I failed, but I could also be so much better than where I am right now. In so many ways. And at an age where most people are supposed to "have it together" now, I realize I'm so far from the mark that it's hilarious. I'm still living in those so-called glory days where I could do no wrong in Philosophy class, and radio was so exciting, and it didn't matter that I wasn't making much or saving much because I'll get to that point - someday. Yet here we are at "someday," and I'm still... hovering. Floating around. And Hun has been my one guiding compass. The one person who looked at me and gave me direction at the point I needed it most.

There are days I wake up with wonder, thinking what I did right to deserve someone like that in my life.

But there are also days I wake up with fear, thinking what I did right to deserve someone like that in my life.

These last three weeks have been agony, even if to any outside observer, it shouldn't be that bad. It's been my past coming back to do a number on me. A reckoning for who I was and who I still am, despite everything I've done in hopes of bettering myself. And to wonder if I even deserve to be with the one person who finally gave my life a semblance of a plan and direction shakes me to my core. Because it's here that you see that I've run out of excuses. It's impossible to say that it's not me, if I still end up being a failure, with all the second chances I've been given.

And while I may not have it the worst in the world, it's still a far cry from all the bluster and potential I thought I had in what has turned out to be a decade and a half ago. It's a minor tragedy in unfulfilled potential and underachievement, but when it happens to you, it really, really opens your eyes to the possibility that you've just been lucky all this time.

And that your luck might be about to run out.

So when Hun comes back tomorrow from those three long weeks, all I can do now is hope that despite everything, despite all the shortcomings, despite all the unspeakable things I simply cannot take pride in, she still sees something worthwhile in me.

Because sadly, I can't really blame her if she doesn't.

Thank you for having been my world, Hun. You truly made a difference in my life.

The End Of An Era - But The Start Of A New One

.:The End Of An Era:.

In recent days, things have been changing with a flurry. It's not easy to understand the reasons why, but things clearly are moving at a pace I could barely keep up with.

A few weeks ago, and I'm afraid I have nothing in the way of pictures to show for it, Nuffnang Philippines officially announced that they were closing their doors. It was surprising, and as the night whiled away, I couldn't help but wonder what happened, especially with all the news going on about the owners and their lawsuits, it's insane, to say the least.

It was great reconnecting with former co-Nuffies, and fellow bloggers alike. That evening really stood out in stark contrast to my mostly mundane life ever since I've prepared for the big leap. And as I fondly recall the simpler times of 2009-2012, when a cab to The Fort would only cost me 180 bucks, and riding to work even at rush hour never took longer than 45 minutes, I realize that as times change, so do I. People I used to look at a certain way, I view very differently now, often for the better.

But I'm rambling. Nuffnang was definitely a great time in my life, and though that chapter is clearly closing now, I come away from it a far better person than coming into it. And not a moment too soon.

.:The Start Of Something New:.

If you told me in 2015 that I would be making a big leap of faith like the one I make in a few days, I would have laughed in your face. But see, the last three years has been a true test of character-building if I ever had any.

But with the coming typhoon spoiling my (real, actual) des.pe.di.da, I guess this leaves me no choice but to say my piece here, instead of elsewhere.

By the time you're reading this, I'm already where I should be, as I'm scheduling this post, instead of putting it up immediately after writing it. It was unbelievable for me to end up here, but here I am. And a lot of that has to do with The Hun, who made it possible for me to see my potential at the tender age of freaking 35.

While a part of me was satisfied being sarcastic on the internet and quipping about the government, more needed to be done with my life. I want to do something that really lasts and allows me to challenge myself in ways I've never been challenged before. As a comedy mentalist who has minimally plied his trade in the last couple of years, it's time that changed, and for that to happen, a change of environment is necessity: I've allowed myself to go stale. I've been too complacent, if nothing else.

So now, we enter the unknown, and challenge whatever comes our way. I may be clueless where we're headed, but thanks to The Hun, I'm confident we'll get there. We always have for the last three years. That won't change at all, I know.

There are so many goodbyes to be said. But instead, to everyone, from family to friends, allow me instead to just say thank you.

Sa inang bayan na nagmulat sa akin sa katotohanan, at humubog sa aking pagkatao, lubos ang aking pagpapasalamat. Ito ay isang pansamantalang pagpapaalam lamang. Magkikita tayong muli, at hindi mawawala ang alab ng aking puso para sa Perlas ng Silangan, magpakailanman.