A Few Good Men

A Few Good Men

by Kel

“We live in a world with walls, and these walls need to be guarded by men with guns,” said he.

Who's gonna do it? You? You? Me? Me? Do we?

And in the middle of every bribe and abuse and indiscretion we see

We forget that when push comes to shove, a few good men will rise inevitably

Forty-four lives lost! Forty-four, forsooth!

And so the least their noble leader can do for you is to honor

That none may forget the #Fallen44 and the horror

That only comes from strife and the unavoidable human error

Yet instead, absence. Neglect. A cavalier sort of tenor

Forty-four were discarded, belated balms can never soothe

We use words like honor, code, loyalty for a life spent defending

And now, one of you wonders, “was the sacrifice worth making?”

Where was he, o great one, when the forty-four were needing

Little more than your compassion; a few good men lost to politicking?

Forty-four lives, microscopic? Ridiculously uncouth!

We are not he. We cannot pretend to be great, but we benefit

From rising and sleeping under the protection of your blanket

And though from time to time, we may question it,

Today we forget for a moment and instead thank a few good men, we cannot ever forget:

To the forty-four we thank you; we can handle the truth

The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done

.:The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done:.

Dear Downline,

Betrayal. That was the only word that came to mind when you did what you did. After talking up a storm about how amazing things are. After telling me again and again how you valued us and what we had.

You claim you respected me, yet you never respected me enough to deal with this face to face. It was as impersonal as can be. It was done while you were having the time of your life, because you didn't want to really deal with the aftermath, did you? It was selfish and painful and I can't help but feel contempt over that.

But if I were to say that I never loved you, or that I regret everything we shared, I would just be lying to myself.

I never regretted a single thing. And though I know you never could meet me halfway, I gave you all I could, without asking you to give me as much in return. I was fine with that.

You say you have to find yourself. And maybe you do. I just wish you truly respected me enough to talk to me before you made up your mind. I just wish you realized you didn't have to go on this journey all alone.

I don't know how to look at you right now. I don't know whether to despise you or pity you. I don't know whether to open my door in friendship or cut you out of my life because of your betrayal. I don't know where to go from here.

But what I do know was that we had something good and you found windmills to do battle with on your own - and lost. And now, I suffer the consequences of that.

Story of my life. I'm used to it. And believe me when I say I understand. But understanding doesn't make it hurt any less. Understanding doesn't magically absolve you of all the things you did that you knew you shouldn't have. 

Was I not worth the courtesy? Was I not worth the effort? Because the way you act and the way you speak shows me that I was wrong to have given you so much credit. Did you simply not care? Did you simply never love me? Then why start anything at all?

I never expected forever and a day when I chose you. That is something you never expect. That is something you build. Together. For some reason, you lost sight of that. We could have worked through this. Together. And even if it wouldn't have turned out any better than this, at least I wasn't left in the lurch.

You never gave me a fair chance, Downline. You formed ideas in your head that you never truly put to the litmus test, and decided they represented the truth. And you know why I know this? Because you never had the courage to do this to my face. You had to hide behind another country and a computer because you were a coward. 

So please: don't go telling me you respected me. Because you didn't. Don't go telling me that we came so far. Because you decided to stand still. But don't go telling me that all of this was why you have to leave me. Because I didn't care either way. All I cared about was you and your happiness. And that's also why I'm not begging you to stay: your happiness is clearly not with me any longer. 

Someday, you'll figure it all out. Someday you'll have it all together. I may not know if I'll be there for you when that time comes, but I know you will figure it all out. 

I just wish you didn't have to break my heart this way before you did. Because I didn't deserve it. I certainly never did.

Downline, you were loved. You were cherished. You chose to throw all of that away, and much as it pains me, I will not beg you to change your mind. All I ask is you be honest with yourself with how you treated me. With how you treated us. Just come to terms with what you've done. Just understand why it caused the kind of pain that it did. And once you find that empathy in you, maybe, just maybe, you would come to see why I am hurting this much, and why I can't quite forgive you just yet.

We were supposed to be in this together. But you proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were just another one in the long line of people who never understood that. Just another used to be. You were no better. Heck, to be fair, you were no worse. You were just another one. Because you made it so.

.:Pare-Pareho Lang:.

Pare-Pareho Lang
ni Kel

Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Sa kalawakan ng sanlibutan, iyong makikita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga bituin, mga bulalakaw, noo'y sinamba at ginalang
Ngayon, 'di mabilang-bilang, 'di na rin magunita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Mga halimaw sa dilim, mga pusong halang
Manlaban ka man, ikaw pa rin ang maralita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga pangakong napako, mga sumpang sumemplang
Araw-araw na lang, walang ni isang salita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Pag-ibig, pagsinta, pagtingin na nasasayang
Naghihintay sa wala, umaasa sa magandang balita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

Sana, sana, hindi ka rin balang araw iiwan
Sana, sana mapuwing ka at 'di mo mahalata
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

Tonight I Can Write. Oh, Yes, I Can.

Something in me was set off last night when I read Neruda. I guess it’s just appropriate, really.

.:Tonight, I Can Write...:.

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines
By Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, ‘The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Nightmare
By Kel

I had a dream – this love affair has turned sour
The sweetness of you and I has faded away
A terrible omen heralding the darkest hour
A good night’s sleep gone completely astray

I trembled and shivered in cold and fear
As you and I touched, I could numbly feel
This was our last kiss, and all we held dear
All turned into lies, nothing stays real

You whispered softly then kissed me goodbye
In my dream you left in the dead of night
My whole world revolved around you and I
Without you by my side, nothing seemed right

My slumber disturbed, my cares laid bare anew
The creeping dread grew far too strong
In the darkness I turned, and then I knew...
“You and I” was but a dream – I never had you all along

Attempts At Poetry Yet Again...

.:No Stranger To Love:.
by Kel

No stranger to love, one such as I
To give my heart and all for one so fair
Yet in the end, this love is a lie
Nothing but faded memories to share

Now I can breathe, but my air is gone
Now I can hold you, but you’re far away
Now I can rejoice, but the moment is done
Now I can smile, but I won’t today

No stranger to love, or so I think
You loved me so, we were led to believe
From the start, we were doomed to sink
And now, I ask myself, how do I live?

Now I can love, but the love has died
Now I can trust, believe in nothingness
Now I can fly, or so I tried
Now I can grieve, and revel in emptiness

No stranger to misery, is what i’ve become
To love and to lose, to love and to lose
Only now do I realize what I have done
I have fallen too deep for love’s cruel ruse


.:She Looks Upon You And Hope Springs Anew:.
by Kel (Inspired by Eduardo Calasanz's "Awit Para Kay Ana"

She looks upon you and hope springs anew
As you gaze into each other’s eyes
She shines in the night, for love so true

‘Tis a perfect evening, fresh as the evening dew
Secrets whispered carelessly, time quickly flies
She looks upon you and hope springs anew

Your hands intertwined, a hushed “I love you”
An “I love you too”, oh, love is a paradise!
She shines in the night, for love so true

As nights pass, there is little left to do
The Moon wanes, and soon you realize
She looks upon you and hope springs anew

‘Tis merely the intoxication of a full Moon’s hue
Passions unbridled then sobered, sincerest of lies
She shines in the night, for love so true

Love comes, love goes, oh if I only knew
That alone or loved truly, the Moon will still rise
She looks upon you and hope springs anew
She shines in the night, for love so true

Enjoying My Last Day As A Bum...

.:Got A Move-On, But Still No NBI Clearance...:.

It was annoying because the line was so long the cut-off was made earlier than anticipated. I don't know when I'll get around to it, but... feh.

Nonetheless, I'm very stoked about going back to work after almost a year of being a "bum" thanks to my thesis. Took the time to hang out with some people from Team Massacre, namely Andres and Tong, and even treated 'em to Mang Jimmy's. The bad news was there was no Tapa Mix or Lechon Kawali that evening. Boooo!!!

So when I went home, I ran into Dr. Kaelin who was having dinner with Dr. Ibana. Dr. Kaelin's one of my favorite teachers from the Philosophy Department, not to mention the fact that he's gonna be in town for only a month, really. It was great running into him, making my last day of bumhood a very exciting one. Not only did I hang out with some magician friends and talk about a lot of things, including the ruthless ribs I throw one of the "top mentalists in the country", but I even ran into one of my favorite teachers of all time.

Given the fact that Mrs. Cardenas has said her goodbyes to the Ateneo, I feel that in some way, the things I've gone through as a hopeful of employee of the University have left me a bit... smarting, but nonetheless, optimistic. I have faith in my ability to adapt to any situation that comes my way, and Nuffnang.com will be quite an adventure that I will be finding myself heavily immersed in as the days go by.

The thesis is still a question mark, but I am determined to finish it and graduate in 2010 (March, more specifically.). I have worked long and hard over it, and though I'm not entirely certain if I'll be able to have much of an academic career at this point, it will at the very least put a definitive bookend in my foray into Philosophy. Doing events and marketing sales is something I'm very excited about, and I don't see myself just changing horses in midstream all over again after this one.

I'm hanging in there. Despite feeling lonelier than I ever have, I'm doing what I can to survive, because one thing I know for certain is that after everything has been said and done, I gave all my love, and all my heart, and even if in the end, I wasn't given the same in return, nobody can fault me with the passion I put into everything I've done.

Last year was a year of changes. This year is a year of direction.

.:Another Literary Attempt...:.

It Was Just Me
by Kel

Everyone knew that you are my fire
That's what you are, my one desire
Now that we're through, it's plain to see
You never felt the same: it was just me

My love was all I had to give
Without you I don't think I could give
You never shed a tear when you left finally
You never really cared: it was just me

I should have known from the start
That you won't quit playing games with my heart
You said you would stay with me eternally
You never came through: it was just me

Looking back on the things I've done
I realized I was trying to be someone
You never saw that, you took it so casually
You never loved me: it was never me

It's Been Weeks... Poetry, And My Show On Sunday...

.:Reminder...:.

My show is gonna be this Sunday, around 4-6 PM, at Market! Market! Hope to see you guys there. Do drop in and say "hi"!

.:Walls Closing In:.

I'm doing what I can to write my thesis, but at the rate I'm going, it does look like I will have to finish it come first sem, rather than the goal of completing it this summer.

I'm just buried right now...

.:A Literary Attempt:.

What Else Is Left To Do?
by Kel

I am not a dancer, so I cannot dance
To the saddest music that could rend your heart
Each step I would take, each move I would make
All lies to myself I'd have one last chance

I am not a musician, so I cannot compose
A dirge that will touch and melt your heart
Each note hides a tear, each word hides a fear
A prayer bereft of all but woes

I am not an actor, so I cannot star
In the lead role in this film to win your heart
Each scene is a prayer, each take one more dare
In the hope that you could heal this scar

Yet I am not a poet, so this poem that I write
Will never hold any place in your heart
For I am merely a man whose sorrows cannot hide
And I can never make this right

And so, the end.
For sorrow that cannot be sung, that cannot be danced
Misery that cannot be staged, that cannot be written
Is sadness that leads to one's self-made grave

Tumutula Dahil Walang Ibang Magawa...

.:Tumutula Dahil Walang Ibang Magawa...:.

Gumising
ni Marcelle Fabie

Namulat mula sa panaginip, nanumbalik sa katotohanan
Nagbago ang hanging umihip, ako'y nahulog sa kawalanan
Nilinlang ang sarili, na hindi ako nag-iisa sa aking nadarama
Ngayon ako'y nagsisisi, nadala lang pala ng maling akala...

A Song For Ana...

Indulge me...

AWIT KAY ANA
by Eduardo Calasanz

Walang ginagawa ang mga bituin
Kundi pagmasdan ang mga mangingibig.

Isang gabi, kapag ikaw ay umiibig,
Tumingala ka sa mga bituin.
Malasin mo ang kanilang ningning,
Ligaya mo'y sinasalamin.

Mabait ang mga bituin.
Sa mga mgangingibig
Isa lamang ang hiling:
Umibig, umibig, umibig
Nang may magawa ang mga bituin.

Walang ginagawa ang mga bituin
Kundi pagmasdan ang mga mangingibig.

Isang gabi, kung masawi ka sa pag-ibig
Tumingala kang muli sa mga bituin;
Pati liwanag, nagiging dilim
At tamis ng puso'y dahan-dahang umaasim.

Malupit ang mga bituin.
Sa mga bigo sa pag-ibig
Labis ang hinihiling:
Umibig, umibig, umibig pa rin
Nang may magawa ang mga bituin.

It's A Downer...

.:Nice E-Bayer…:.

So I ended up not completing a transaction on E-Bay with someone despite the fact that I won his Mox Jet.

Despite that, we still exchanged positive feedback because he was so cordial in keeping in touch with me as we tried to thresh out the sale of the item that I couldn’t help but appreciate the effort he exerted in replying very promptly to me every step of the way.

Unfortunately for the both of us, PayPal didn’t protect him because the confirmed address is in the Philippines… I hate that.

But hey, I suddenly found myself saving money and now, I can buy a Mox Sapphire instead, which turns out to be more important to my deck than a Jet…

.:Check Him Out…:.

Jonas has a nice archive of his comics. I think you should try and check it out. You just might like it.

.:Still A Loner...:.

As the celebration here goes on, I feel that I'm still a loner to this day...

I just can't bring myself to enjoy this party here at IAS... I just can't.

I'm such a square.

Or maybe I was just meant to be alone.

.:Meeting Sacha Again…:.

Ranulf and I fetched Sacha at the airport this morning.

I have to say that while I don’t have much to say about our meeting each other again, I am very happy that one of my best friends is back in town, and looking very happy at this point.

I’m happy for her, and I hope that the next two weeks will prove to be rejuvenating for her.

We missed her. All of us here do.

.:“Prudence Is The Better Path To Take”:.

Quite frankly, this changes the rules of the game significantly. Getting the job was supposed to completely supplant the need for WAVE, and would allow me the breathing room I needed as I went back to the academe.

Now, the English department pretty much rejected my application on the strength of feedback from other departments. Or should I say, another department?

It is no secret that I haven’t really been seeing eye to eye with the Philosophy department in quite a while, even if I do happen to be taking my Masters under them. One of the biggest points of contention is that when I was a teaching assistant for Ethics class, I met someone who ended up being my girlfriend after she graduated.

I think it is imperative for me to make the emphasis here: after she graduated.

In spite of that, that whole issue became one of the main reasons I was not hired as a teaching assistant the following schoolyear.

It was devastating to me because it threw my whole M.A. plans awry. I couldn’t afford an M.A. on my own, so I had to stop my Masters indefinitely, and only now did I find a prime opportunity to do so.

The English department was a logical fit for me. I went ahead with the whole application process, and after the teaching demonstration and even the panel interview, the prognosis was good.

It was almost a foregone conclusion that they were hiring me. I started building my plans around that fact, and then the ill-fated letter of rejection showed up in my inbox.

The moment the letter started with the word “while”, my heart sank.

I knew I wasn’t going to be teaching this semester, and most likely even, this schoolyear.

You know, it would be easy to accept if I felt I wasn’t qualified enough. It would be understandable if I didn’t do well during my teaching demonstration, or during the subsequent panel interview.

But it wasn’t any of those reasons that kept me from getting hired. What the letter of rejection told me was that “further deliberation and consultation with colleagues in other Departments of the Loyola Schools strongly suggest that prudence is the better path to take”.

Hogwash, I say to you.

The obvious reason why they are rejecting my application is the laughable concern that I am at risk of dating my students. That has never happened, since I never dated my ex until at least a month after graduation. For them to use an unfair “precedent” that should have no bearing on my current status is a clear-cut bias that is only masked by the word “prudence”.

There is nothing “prudent” about shafting someone who has demonstrated a willingness and an aptitude to do his job. There is nothing “prudent” about some other department completely turning around one’s fortune by making so negative a recommendation that it is enough to override a strong demonstration and interview.

Didn’t the Philosophy department already do enough damage to my hopes in the academe by repeatedly rejecting my applications to teach for them? Why do they have to stand in the way of my applications for other departments?

Marcelle is fuming simply because he got shafted by a department who had no stake in this application. It’s almost as if they are actively seeking to screw him over and keep him from ever getting the kind of experience he would need in teaching.

At this point, even going back to finishing my Masters in Ateneo is in jeopardy. Do I really want to be in a place where I am clearly not wanted? I may just completely abandon this whole pipe dream of teaching altogether thanks to the fact that my own home department can do nothing more than continue to hold me back.

I have it up to about here with this already. I simply can’t get a fair shake.

.:Don’t You Think It’s Time?:.

Don’t you think it’s time we let bygones be bygones?
That we just live again and ignore not what we had once?
Don’t you think it’s time you and I just moved on?
Beyond the hurtful words, and the metaphorical guns?

Don’t you think it’s time Plato had his opportunity
To prove to us that there’s still life after you and me
Don’t you think it’s time to see that truthfully,
We simply didn’t do right by each other, honestly

Don’t you think it’s time we let cooler heads prevail?
Let us not have our time have been spent in vain
Don’t you think it’s time we stop the pain?
Forgive ourselves… perhaps lovers we were doomed to fail

Two Attempts At Poetry...

I'll just do two short stories tomorrow, I guess. I had some unforeseen happenings that prevent me from writing a short story today. Actually, more like... I left my diskette that contained the story already...

.:A Return To Grace:.
A Sonnet by Marcelle T. Fabie

A return to Grace; a joy unknown
God’s greater glory in its Fullness of Fullness shown
Lost, now found; dead, now risen
The final triumph over the infernal denizen
From the fall to victory at last,
Ride into the sun with glimmering wings at dawn
Strength from Within; hold on fast
Know that you are indeed Destiny’s son

For none else can there be save the Magis of being
Dear old Loves; return to the fold
‘Fore Chronos strikes and sees me old
Where would one want, with wisdom unweaving?
Or ancient Bliss beyond feeling sight?
A return to grace; a return to Blight

.:Euphemism:.
A Quatraine by Marcelle T. Fabie

You're not ugly, believe what I say
(Other planets find you great anyway)
I'm trying to make gold out of dirt
It's a compliment but it just might hurt

You definitely are making a statement
Green hair, with matching ornament
(But whatever the statement you're making
It sound a lot like you're cussing)

You, on the other hand, you're pretty
(Pretty awful, if you ask me honestly)
Don't worry; I had a friend who had worse
(Actually, I'm talking about his racing horse)

Don't say that; you're not one bit fat
(Oof! Do you mind getting off of my lap?)
You're not dumb, you have a brain
(But you don't use it; isn't that insane?)

I meant well when I called you ugly and rude
(Those are the only good qualities you exude)
He's not horny, he's just dysfunctionally erect
(But that's just being politically correct)

People say only what others want to hear
Funny how those statements now seem clear
And that is what euphemisms are about
End of the lesson, over and out