The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done

.:The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done:.

Dear Downline,

Betrayal. That was the only word that came to mind when you did what you did. After talking up a storm about how amazing things are. After telling me again and again how you valued us and what we had.

You claim you respected me, yet you never respected me enough to deal with this face to face. It was as impersonal as can be. It was done while you were having the time of your life, because you didn't want to really deal with the aftermath, did you? It was selfish and painful and I can't help but feel contempt over that.

But if I were to say that I never loved you, or that I regret everything we shared, I would just be lying to myself.

I never regretted a single thing. And though I know you never could meet me halfway, I gave you all I could, without asking you to give me as much in return. I was fine with that.

You say you have to find yourself. And maybe you do. I just wish you truly respected me enough to talk to me before you made up your mind. I just wish you realized you didn't have to go on this journey all alone.

I don't know how to look at you right now. I don't know whether to despise you or pity you. I don't know whether to open my door in friendship or cut you out of my life because of your betrayal. I don't know where to go from here.

But what I do know was that we had something good and you found windmills to do battle with on your own - and lost. And now, I suffer the consequences of that.

Story of my life. I'm used to it. And believe me when I say I understand. But understanding doesn't make it hurt any less. Understanding doesn't magically absolve you of all the things you did that you knew you shouldn't have. 

Was I not worth the courtesy? Was I not worth the effort? Because the way you act and the way you speak shows me that I was wrong to have given you so much credit. Did you simply not care? Did you simply never love me? Then why start anything at all?

I never expected forever and a day when I chose you. That is something you never expect. That is something you build. Together. For some reason, you lost sight of that. We could have worked through this. Together. And even if it wouldn't have turned out any better than this, at least I wasn't left in the lurch.

You never gave me a fair chance, Downline. You formed ideas in your head that you never truly put to the litmus test, and decided they represented the truth. And you know why I know this? Because you never had the courage to do this to my face. You had to hide behind another country and a computer because you were a coward. 

So please: don't go telling me you respected me. Because you didn't. Don't go telling me that we came so far. Because you decided to stand still. But don't go telling me that all of this was why you have to leave me. Because I didn't care either way. All I cared about was you and your happiness. And that's also why I'm not begging you to stay: your happiness is clearly not with me any longer. 

Someday, you'll figure it all out. Someday you'll have it all together. I may not know if I'll be there for you when that time comes, but I know you will figure it all out. 

I just wish you didn't have to break my heart this way before you did. Because I didn't deserve it. I certainly never did.

Downline, you were loved. You were cherished. You chose to throw all of that away, and much as it pains me, I will not beg you to change your mind. All I ask is you be honest with yourself with how you treated me. With how you treated us. Just come to terms with what you've done. Just understand why it caused the kind of pain that it did. And once you find that empathy in you, maybe, just maybe, you would come to see why I am hurting this much, and why I can't quite forgive you just yet.

We were supposed to be in this together. But you proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were just another one in the long line of people who never understood that. Just another used to be. You were no better. Heck, to be fair, you were no worse. You were just another one. Because you made it so.

.:Pare-Pareho Lang:.

Pare-Pareho Lang
ni Kel

Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Sa kalawakan ng sanlibutan, iyong makikita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga bituin, mga bulalakaw, noo'y sinamba at ginalang
Ngayon, 'di mabilang-bilang, 'di na rin magunita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Mga halimaw sa dilim, mga pusong halang
Manlaban ka man, ikaw pa rin ang maralita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga pangakong napako, mga sumpang sumemplang
Araw-araw na lang, walang ni isang salita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Pag-ibig, pagsinta, pagtingin na nasasayang
Naghihintay sa wala, umaasa sa magandang balita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

Sana, sana, hindi ka rin balang araw iiwan
Sana, sana mapuwing ka at 'di mo mahalata
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

The Difference Between Valentine’s And Single Awareness Day

.:The Difference Between Valentine’s And Single Awareness Day:.

February 14 is a day I long for every year.

Valentine’s Day is wonderful! It’s a day where I love her just a little more sweetly, kiss her just a little more tenderly, and hug her just a little more tightly. Valentine’s day reminds me that love is truly all around me, and that I am part of that world. I realize that in the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything.

Valentine’s Day is unbelievably kind to this loving heart. It asks of me but one simple thing, and I am willingly powerless to resist, more so on this very day itself: to cherish, to adore, to reminisce, and to love like I have never loved before. Put my deepest affections inside a Hallmark card that she may keep it with her forever.

February 14 is a day I dread every year.

Single Awareness Day is wretched! It’s a day where I remember when I had her more vividly, feel the loneliness of her leaving me more intensely, and wallow in the pain when she found someone else more bitterly. Single Awareness day reminds me that love is truly all around me, but it simply isn’t meant for someone like me. I realize that in the arithmetic of love, two minus one equals nothing.

Single Awareness Day is immeasurably callous to this broken heart. It asks of me but one cruel thing, and I am hopelessly powerless to resist, more so on this very day itself: to pine, to long for, to break down, and to love like I have never loved before. Put my deepest affections inside a Hallmark card that they may earn a living on this day.

(Inspired by the poem “Awit Para Kay Anna”, by Eduardo Calasanz)

Behind The Wheel...

.:Behind The Wheel...:.

I'm a bucket of nerves, and panic's setting in. My dad looks at me, and explains to me what each pedal is for, and why I should hit the clutch before I ever shift gears.

27 years of being on this planet, and I never even bothered learning how to drive.

While almost every other guy I know dreams of having a car to drive, I long to be able to afford having a driver. I think I was like this from the moment I was a kid. Why drive when you can hire someone to do it for you? Except I realized that at some point, I would really need to learn how to drive.

I think back to the times my friends would go out drinking and I'd be the only one who wouldn't have a drop of alcohol in me by the end of the night. Yet someone else will be doing the driving. Thank heavens none of my friends have ever ended up in an accident after hanging out with me or I'd be insanely guilty about not being there as a designated driver when that's what they needed.

A week ago, I already had a car. But seeing as my mom's back from the States, that's kind of up in the air at the moment. But all of that's beside the point. What's important is for the first time in my life, I'm genuinely behind the wheel of a car I'm supposed to drive.

I can't even pretend I played enough Gran Turismo to know what I was doing. I never got into driving, even make-believe driving. Not even with bumper cars. Oh, sure, it was fun, but I never actively went to an arcade with the express intent of driving the bumper cars.

I look carefully and check that I'm set on neutral. My handbrake is up. I turn the key and the horseless carriage neighs gently. I think back to the ten minutes worth of lessons so far...

Hold the clutch, shift to first gear.

Keep holding the clutch, release the handbrake.

Hit the gas ever-so-gently.

If you hear the engine revving a wee bit too loud, you're hitting the gas too hard.

Release the clutch slowly until the car is moving.

Wait. Dad, you didn't tell me anything about steering, and I'm going diagonally now!

Homina, homina. I break into a cold sweat. Maybe I'm too old to try learning how to drive now? Watching everyone else drive, it all seems so instinctive to them. To me, this is like learning how to play Street Fighter II the first time - except with your life on the line if you don't learn it right.

My dad smiles, and then reminds me to gently hit the clutch and shift from the gas to the brakes as I approach the truck parked in front of our house in what would be a minor head-on collision at first gear. Thankfully, my reflexes don't betray me and I don't accidentally floor the gas instead of the brakes.

I grin in spite of myself, then my left foot instinctively leaves the clutch. The car shuts off, and I realize that there are still some things I need to learn before I even learn how to turn.

Maybe next week, then.

Tonight I Can Write. Oh, Yes, I Can.

Something in me was set off last night when I read Neruda. I guess it’s just appropriate, really.

.:Tonight, I Can Write...:.

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines
By Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, ‘The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Nightmare
By Kel

I had a dream – this love affair has turned sour
The sweetness of you and I has faded away
A terrible omen heralding the darkest hour
A good night’s sleep gone completely astray

I trembled and shivered in cold and fear
As you and I touched, I could numbly feel
This was our last kiss, and all we held dear
All turned into lies, nothing stays real

You whispered softly then kissed me goodbye
In my dream you left in the dead of night
My whole world revolved around you and I
Without you by my side, nothing seemed right

My slumber disturbed, my cares laid bare anew
The creeping dread grew far too strong
In the darkness I turned, and then I knew...
“You and I” was but a dream – I never had you all along

Attempts At Poetry Yet Again...

.:No Stranger To Love:.
by Kel

No stranger to love, one such as I
To give my heart and all for one so fair
Yet in the end, this love is a lie
Nothing but faded memories to share

Now I can breathe, but my air is gone
Now I can hold you, but you’re far away
Now I can rejoice, but the moment is done
Now I can smile, but I won’t today

No stranger to love, or so I think
You loved me so, we were led to believe
From the start, we were doomed to sink
And now, I ask myself, how do I live?

Now I can love, but the love has died
Now I can trust, believe in nothingness
Now I can fly, or so I tried
Now I can grieve, and revel in emptiness

No stranger to misery, is what i’ve become
To love and to lose, to love and to lose
Only now do I realize what I have done
I have fallen too deep for love’s cruel ruse


.:She Looks Upon You And Hope Springs Anew:.
by Kel (Inspired by Eduardo Calasanz's "Awit Para Kay Ana"

She looks upon you and hope springs anew
As you gaze into each other’s eyes
She shines in the night, for love so true

‘Tis a perfect evening, fresh as the evening dew
Secrets whispered carelessly, time quickly flies
She looks upon you and hope springs anew

Your hands intertwined, a hushed “I love you”
An “I love you too”, oh, love is a paradise!
She shines in the night, for love so true

As nights pass, there is little left to do
The Moon wanes, and soon you realize
She looks upon you and hope springs anew

‘Tis merely the intoxication of a full Moon’s hue
Passions unbridled then sobered, sincerest of lies
She shines in the night, for love so true

Love comes, love goes, oh if I only knew
That alone or loved truly, the Moon will still rise
She looks upon you and hope springs anew
She shines in the night, for love so true

Enjoying My Last Day As A Bum...

.:Got A Move-On, But Still No NBI Clearance...:.

It was annoying because the line was so long the cut-off was made earlier than anticipated. I don't know when I'll get around to it, but... feh.

Nonetheless, I'm very stoked about going back to work after almost a year of being a "bum" thanks to my thesis. Took the time to hang out with some people from Team Massacre, namely Andres and Tong, and even treated 'em to Mang Jimmy's. The bad news was there was no Tapa Mix or Lechon Kawali that evening. Boooo!!!

So when I went home, I ran into Dr. Kaelin who was having dinner with Dr. Ibana. Dr. Kaelin's one of my favorite teachers from the Philosophy Department, not to mention the fact that he's gonna be in town for only a month, really. It was great running into him, making my last day of bumhood a very exciting one. Not only did I hang out with some magician friends and talk about a lot of things, including the ruthless ribs I throw one of the "top mentalists in the country", but I even ran into one of my favorite teachers of all time.

Given the fact that Mrs. Cardenas has said her goodbyes to the Ateneo, I feel that in some way, the things I've gone through as a hopeful of employee of the University have left me a bit... smarting, but nonetheless, optimistic. I have faith in my ability to adapt to any situation that comes my way, and Nuffnang.com will be quite an adventure that I will be finding myself heavily immersed in as the days go by.

The thesis is still a question mark, but I am determined to finish it and graduate in 2010 (March, more specifically.). I have worked long and hard over it, and though I'm not entirely certain if I'll be able to have much of an academic career at this point, it will at the very least put a definitive bookend in my foray into Philosophy. Doing events and marketing sales is something I'm very excited about, and I don't see myself just changing horses in midstream all over again after this one.

I'm hanging in there. Despite feeling lonelier than I ever have, I'm doing what I can to survive, because one thing I know for certain is that after everything has been said and done, I gave all my love, and all my heart, and even if in the end, I wasn't given the same in return, nobody can fault me with the passion I put into everything I've done.

Last year was a year of changes. This year is a year of direction.

.:Another Literary Attempt...:.

It Was Just Me
by Kel

Everyone knew that you are my fire
That's what you are, my one desire
Now that we're through, it's plain to see
You never felt the same: it was just me

My love was all I had to give
Without you I don't think I could give
You never shed a tear when you left finally
You never really cared: it was just me

I should have known from the start
That you won't quit playing games with my heart
You said you would stay with me eternally
You never came through: it was just me

Looking back on the things I've done
I realized I was trying to be someone
You never saw that, you took it so casually
You never loved me: it was never me

It's Been Weeks... Poetry, And My Show On Sunday...

.:Reminder...:.

My show is gonna be this Sunday, around 4-6 PM, at Market! Market! Hope to see you guys there. Do drop in and say "hi"!

.:Walls Closing In:.

I'm doing what I can to write my thesis, but at the rate I'm going, it does look like I will have to finish it come first sem, rather than the goal of completing it this summer.

I'm just buried right now...

.:A Literary Attempt:.

What Else Is Left To Do?
by Kel

I am not a dancer, so I cannot dance
To the saddest music that could rend your heart
Each step I would take, each move I would make
All lies to myself I'd have one last chance

I am not a musician, so I cannot compose
A dirge that will touch and melt your heart
Each note hides a tear, each word hides a fear
A prayer bereft of all but woes

I am not an actor, so I cannot star
In the lead role in this film to win your heart
Each scene is a prayer, each take one more dare
In the hope that you could heal this scar

Yet I am not a poet, so this poem that I write
Will never hold any place in your heart
For I am merely a man whose sorrows cannot hide
And I can never make this right

And so, the end.
For sorrow that cannot be sung, that cannot be danced
Misery that cannot be staged, that cannot be written
Is sadness that leads to one's self-made grave

Yehey! Wala Na Kami!

.:Yehey! Wala Na Kami!:.
may-akda di-kilala

Yehey! Wala na kami.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong aalalahanin, wala na akong iisipin...

Pero hirap akong matulog sa gabi dahil bumabalik yung mga alaala noong magkasama kami. Naiisip ko kung paano niya hawakan yung kamay ko, yung tipong nagsasabing hindi niya ako iiwanan. Kung pa'no niya ko yakapin, yung nagsasabing lagi niya akong poprotektahan. At kung pa'no niya ako halikan, yung nagsasabing mahal na mahal nya ako.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako iiyak pa...

Pero kapag gabi nagagawa ko pa ring umiyak, dahil nami-miss ko siya. Nami-miss ko yung mga ngiti niyang nakakaloko, mga jokes niyang corny, mga tingin niyang nakakatunaw, tawa niyang nakakabaliw, pangungulit niya sa akin at kung anu-ano pang kapraningan na ginagawa niya. Nami-miss ko yun...

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong tatawagan, hindi na ako magte-text sa kanya, at makakaipon na ako ng pera para sa sarili ko.

Pero sa tuwing hawak ko ang cell phone ko, lagi kong hinahanap ang pangalan niya. Lagi akong nate-tempt na magtext sa kanya, o di naman kaya, tumawag. Nangangati lagi ang darili ko na pindutin ang "Write Message", i-type ang message ko, i-scroll yung button para makita ko yung number niya na nasa "aa" naman, at tapos ipe-press ko yung "Send." O kaya naman,i-scroll ko yung button para mahanap yung name niya tapos ipe-press ko yung "Call." Kahit na alam ko na mauubos na ang load ko at wala na akong pambili ng load (dahil kabibigay lang ng nanay ko).Kahit na alam kong hindi naman sya magre-reply at hinding-hindi nya ako tatawagan. At kahit kailan hindi na nya gagawin pang magparamdam.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Magkakaroon na ako ng time para sa sarili ko, sa pamilya ko at sa barkada ko.

Pero sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay, kasama man ang pamilya o barkada ko, siya lagi ang naaalala ko, na sana, kasama ko siya ngayon. Magkahawak kamay na namamasyal, naglolokohan, nagkukulitan, at nagtatawanan. Tapos, walang katapusang usapan kung saan kakain ng lunch, kung sa Fazoli's, Congo Grille, Gerry's, o sa Mang Jimmy's at sa mga tinatambayan namin. Kung pupunta ba sa sinehan para manood ng pelikula, kung maglalaro ba kami ng bowling upang magkaalaman na kung sino ang mas magaling, o kung mapilitan akong mag-ice skating kasama siya. Tapos, kasabay ko siya papauwi sabay nanakawan ko ng halik habang nasa biyahe.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako magpupuyat sa kakatutok sa computer, aabutin ng madaling-araw kaka-chat sa kanya.

Pero sa tuwing may ise-search ako sa Internet, bubuksan ko ang Plurk ko at sasabihin na nami-miss ko siya. Papasok ako sa Blogger at magbabakasakali na sumagot siya sa isa sa mga post ko, o kahit man lang sa Shoutbox ko. Titingnan ko ang Friendster at Multiply ko at pagmamasdan ang mga larawan namin noong masaya pa kami... bubuksan ko din ang Yahoo Messenger, dahil baka sakaling dumating siya. Makausap ko man lang, makikipagkulitan uli at baka sakaling magkaliwanagan kami at maibalik ang dating "kami."

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong girlfriend, pwede na akong tumingin sa iba.

Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko na kayang magmamahal pa muli. Alam ko, dahil sinubukan ko. Alam ko, dahil siya lang ang mahal ko. Siya lang ang nakaka-kumpleto sa araw ko, siya lang yung inspirasyon ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Siya lang yung nakakaintindi sa akin kapag may problema ako. Siya lang yung nakakapagpatahan sa akin kapag umiiyak ako. Siya lang ang buhay ko, siya lang, wala ng iba.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na ring saysay ang buhay ko.

Another Story Segment...

.:But It's Not Mine...:.

From one of Neil Gaiman's comics...

In this part of the narrative, the Dream Lord is in a competition with a demon. I guess it's a kind of "my metaphor is better than yours" kind of schtick, and the idea is to stump the other player.

As fate would have it, the demon makes the first move.

"I am a dire wolf, prey-stalking, lethal prowler."

The Dream Lord thinks for a moment, and the exchange continues.

"I am a hunter, horse-mounted, wolf-stabbing."

"I am a horsefly, horse-stinging, hunter-throwing."

"I am a spider, fly-consuming, eight-legged."

"I am a snake, spider-devouring, poison-toothed."

"I am an ox, snake-crushing, heavy-footed."

"I am an anthrax, butcher bacterium, warm-life destroying."

At this point, the Dream Lord realizes that it's time to take the confrontation to the next level. From the merely physical, the competition elevates to the cosmic level.

"I am a world, space-floating, life-nurturing."

"I am a nova, all-exploding, planet-cremating."

"I am the universe, all things encompassing, all-embracing.

"I am anti-life, the beast of judgment. I am the dark at the end of everything. The universes, gods, worlds... of everything. What will you be then, Dream Lord?"

The Dream Lord thinks. In the face of utter despair, what can possibly face the anti-life?

"I am HOPE"

I can't tell you enough how much I love this bit. Gives even myself some measure of hope...

Pick Up: A Story Fragment

.:Pick Up:.
A Story Fragment by Marcelle Fabie

”Martin? It's Geneva. I just wanted to thank you for helping me and Paul get back together. He's coming back to the country tomorrow.

”That's great. I'm happy for you.”

”I don't understand why you haven't been calling me or SMSing me or contacting me at all ever since we last chatted, though. Are you avoiding me or something?”

”Of course I've been avoiding you.”

”What's wrong? Was it something I said?”

”You never even realized for one moment that maybe, just maybe, I was always waiting for the chance to love you. You never even realized that all these years of being your best friend has made me just...”

”I wish I knew what to say, Martin, but I sincerely appreciate your being there for me all the time. I just can't help but feel weird that you haven't been that way lately. I guess I was a bit guilty of taking you for granted.”

”That's irrelevant. I love you, Geneva. I just wish you knew it. But Paul was a friend of mine, too. And I knew you were happy with him.”

”I don't know anyone else who would go out on a limb for me the way you would all the time. I know you make it a point to make me happy every time you're with me. Whoever said that 'nice guys finish last' definitely never knew about you.”

”So why is it that I'm always the one who's miserable in the end?”

”Martin, I hope I'll see you soon. We really need to talk, because I really have no idea what's wrong with you. You've been keeping to yourself too much. Don't you trust me enough to open up to me?”

”I just don't want to rain on your parade, Geneva. I realize I can't ever make you feel the way I feel about you.”

”Well, I just hope you get this message, Martin. I was hoping you'd pick up. Don't forget that I care. Call me back, okay?”

And with that, the answering machine clicked and fell silent, leaving behind a lonely figure sitting hopelessly beside the phone.