Project 52 2014 (24/52): Salamat, Kaibigan

.:Project 52 2014 (24/52): Salamat, Kaibigan:.

Salamat sa inyong pagmamahal…

Who doesn’t love Bong Revilla? Who doesn’t love how much effort he clearly puts into helping run this country while still juggling a movie career. With nearly 20 million people who have voted him into power, it’s very clear that there’s a lot of love to go around for Bong Revilla. Just ask Rufa Mae Qu… I mean, Lani Mercado.

Bong Revilla is love, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t get any of that twisted.

Pictured: Love.

Sa tiwala, pananalig, at dasal…

Millions of people believe in Bong Revilla. They trust him with their life. They pray for him to make it through this latest challenge facing him. And we certainly have to hope nothing but the best for him, right? That’s why he needs our prayers now, more than ever. Surely, God will listen to the supplications of a man who is truly beleaguered and at the lowest of the low, who just happens to have a net worth of 169 million Pesos.

Yes, please pray for this man. Pray for him because he is clearly in need of so much help and pity.

Ang pagsubok sa ‘ting buhay ay hindi magtatagal…

Of course not. Trials never last. If you’re a person born to a debilitating genetic disease with no cure for it, that trial certainly won’t last, right? Such brilliance! Such perspective! Only from the lofty heights of being privileged does someone get to say that tough times never last, so it’s good to know exactly where our beloved Senator Revilla is coming from.

You too, can get past this. All you need to do is... BONG-LIEVE!

Katotohanan lilitaw, sa gabay ng Maykapal…

Has anyone actually bothered asking God if he likes having his named dragged into these speeches? He has never responded and they just assume He’s totally cool with it? Okay. Carry on, then, Senator Revilla!

Kailanman ay ‘di nang-iiwan.

He has certainly never left anyone behind. After all, he’s still with his wife after all those affairs years, right? Truly, Senator Revilla is a paragon of all that is good and righteous, as he suffers through tempest after tempest of accusations. After all, it makes all the sense in the world that he earned all his money through hard work and dedication! It’s not like every single whistleblower is insisting that he had a hand in stealing 10 Billion of our money, right? So no, just like a piece of crap you keep flushing but keeps coming back, he’s not leaving us anytime soon.

Sumama, nanalig sa anumang laban…

Yes, let’s keep praying for Bong Revilla, everyone! Because the more we pray, the less we could do other things with our time, like actually put him and his kind on trial. So just keep on praying, keep on praying, and keep on praying, lest you actually try to get some sh!t done instead, which would really not help Bong Revilla get away with anything.

Pictured: Senator Bong Revilla, fighting. For us.

Ngayon ang buhay ko ay pilit dinudungisan…

It’s all mudslinging, ladies and gentlemen. When a country like ours continues being ridiculously poor while people like Janet Napoles and Pogi, Tanda, and Sexy keep getting richer and richer, any suspicious glances cast their way is merely mudslinging. And leave us not forget those other people who are in league with them who just don’t happen to be their political allies, too. Sullying their name? Just more mudslinging and destabilization, so let’s all just keep praying and doing exactly jacksh!t about it, because that’s for the best, right?

Let’s not let them smear the names of these good men, any longer. Let’s just… well, pray some more.

Ngunit ‘di ako papayag, hantungan may’ kamatayan…

It’s amazing how Senator Revilla’s privilege speech really encompassed the man’s bravery. He faced everything coming his way, and freaking held onto power. Resignation? Pah! That’s beneath a man of Senator Revilla’s stature. He will hold onto that power because by jove, he’s a Revilla, and much in the same way it takes Gutz to be a Gutierrez, it takes Evil to be a Revilla. Does that make much sense? No, no it doesn’t, but is it that much worse than the entirety of the privilege speech. Just pity the man! Can’t you not feel sympathy for what he goes through, and the dignity by which he conducts himself in the face of all that?

Pictured: Dignity.

Salamat, mga kaibigan…

No. Thank you, dear Senator. Thank you for taking on the cares and woes of this country and becoming a martyr for the truth to come out. Thank you for helping us by proposing the laws like… err… ummm… for praying for us! Yeah, that works. Thanks for praying for us, dear Senator! I’m sure prayers in the Senate were totally more powerful than prayers made in your movie sets. Or something.

Kailanman ay ‘di malilimutan…

We’ll never forget you either, o great, noble leader. Truly, you have been an outstanding inspiration to all of us, and you will always be an indelible part of our history. The history of this nation’s ridiculous compulsion to put any showbiz personality into power just because they know your name and nothing more.

Kung ito man ang kapalaran, nananalig pa rin sa katotohanan…

You really can’t get enough of praying, can’t you? That’s why we love you, dear Senator. It’s beautiful how you would take the time out to even go to the Holy Land itself to pray for guidance. We wish we had that kind of money, you know. To go to the Holy Land, too. But we kinda have bills to pay and mouths to feed, but it’s okay! We’re sure not a single cent you spent on that trip was illicitly taken from the taxes we pay regularly.

Salamat, mga kaibigan, kayo ang aking tanging sandigan…

Huh? I thought you said God was your foundation? Several times in several speeches, even! Suddenly, it’s us! Such magnanimity! To elevate us to the level of God, it’s just, it’s just… mind-blowing!

Pagmamahal niyo ang nagbibigay kalakasan…

If our love strengthens you, then you truly are unbeatable. Nothing, not even the facts, can get in the way!

Habang kayo ay nariyan, lagi lamang tatandaan…

Wait for it, wait for it…

Ikaw ako, ako ikaw, magkaibigan…

Drop the mic, Bong. Drop the mic.

A Patriotic Filipino's Response To The Blood Traitor, National Artist F. Sionil Jose... Or Is It?

.:A Patriotic Filipino's Response To The Blood Traitor, National Artist F. Sionil Jose... Or Is It?:.

Nation, as a Patriotic Filipino®, fewer things would make yours truly's blood boil than a racist who mindlessly bashes our nation's dignity, and it amuses yours truly to no end when the Schadenfreude erupts and they are treated to as much racism as they have just dished out, because that's how we Patriotic Filipinos roll.

If there are two things we Patriotic Filipinos hate, it would be racism, and the Chinese. Our hopes to finally rightfully lay claim to the Spratly Islands were rekindled anew just this week when Ms. Philippines beat Ms. China in the Ms. Universe pageant. If more territorial disputes were settled this way, we'd be a much powerful nation, albeit Venezuela would become the biggest superpower in the world.

Still, as terrible as racism is, blood traitors are just the worst. As in the absolute worst. Is it not bad enough, dear nation, that other races malign the Filipino spirit? Why must we chip in ourselves to this cesspool of uselessness?

That is why there is such an uproar over F. Sionil Jose recently, in light of the statements he has made, calling us, and by extension, himself, shallow. "The nerve of this person to criticize us," you say. Who does this guy think he is? Some National Artist? Oh, wait.

What you need to realize is that F. Sionil Jose is himself a Patriotic Filipino. That makes all the difference in the world and renders him immune from disagreement. Why? Why ask why? After all, when one sees the ills of the Filipino nation yet is himself acting all above it, then he must be one of us, all the same.

It also helps that he made sure to criticize Mideo Cruz's pathetic excuse for art, because the CBCP certainly appreciated the unlikely assist. Truly, he is an indisputable authority on what is and isn't art, and what is deep or what is shallow. If you wish to challenge his unquestionable authority, feel free to place your National Artist citation on the table before engaging the man.

Somewhere, Carlo J. Caparas is grumbling out loud.

When faced with the almighty depth of a National Artist, all of us fall short and are mired in shallowness. What we think is deep is nothing compared to the depth of a National Artist's thinking: an honor that distinguishes him from the hoi poloi of shallowness that is the other Filipinos, bestowed upon him by, well, the other Filipinos. When he compared the tepid reaction of Filipinos to a Japanese cultural dance to the wild reception the Filipino tinikling dance got, surely, fans of the WWE were reminded of the huge difference between those shallow spot monkeys who do nothing but flips...

Shallow. Bet this guy won't ever win any championships.

... and the refined performers who are known for their deep, involving, technical maneuvers.

Deep! Bet this guy is main eventing everywhere by now.

Indeed, the tepid reaction this Japanese folk dance got is the kind of reaction that no real fan of culture would ever give, even if it's probably the first time they ever saw something. Surely, the first time Elvis Presley hit the stage on his first ever gig in some run-down bar, every Tom, Dick, and Harry fell to their feet to worship his greatness because everyone recognizes talent in an instant. Indeed, having a folk dance that we have owned and cultivated since pre-colonial times pales in comparison to appreciating a folk dance of another nation that we have obviously only ever seen for the first time.

This is the shallowness of popular culture, as it were, nation, and it afflicts us Filipinos and only us (Non-Patriotic) Filipinos. Clearly, we have a monopoly on this shallowness, because as the previous example has shown us, Japan is obviously immune to these criticisms. The sublime genius of the Japanese has led to such cultural watersheds like Evangelion, Hachiko, Grave Of The Fireflies, and La Blue Girl, after all.

Deep.

Meanwhile, our concept of entertainment is utterly shallow, because how dare we compare the shallowness that is Kris Aquino to the depth that is Ryan Seacrest? Indeed, being deep or being shallow is an ever-fixed state of mind and affairs, and not at all a particular moment in one's complex humanity. The shallow moments you indulge in define you as shallow altogether, even if you work nine hours a day to put food on the plate for a family of four. That's just how it is.

Surely, the Japanese who read manga in the trains while groping schoolgirls at the same time (Multi-tasking is a sign of depth.) are far deeper than the Filipinos who don't even have elbow room to do any reading whatsoever. Surely, the Koreans glued to their iPhones, finding out the latest news about Jun Ji-Hyun and whoever she's dating, are getting deeper and deeper by the minute.

Deep.

Turn to America, and we find nothing but top-notch TV programming. While Filipino television is nothing but a morass of love triangles involving the Amboy cutie, the rich mestiza girlfriend, and the maid, America is churning out instant classics.

Deep.

Surely, this isn't just a case of rose-tinted glasses, or a sorrily mistaken assumption that the grass is greener on the other side, and that everyone else is deeper than the average, non-Patriotic Filipino. Certainly, we aren't taking the best-case examples of other nations, then comparing it to the worst-case examples from our own nation, are we?

Are we?

Nation, there is no denying the shallowness that permeates every fiber of this country. It's the very kind of shallowness that stems from our very language, and the only reason anybody disagreed with James Soriano was because he has yet to win a Palanca.

Indeed, we are a shallow people because of consumerism and crass commercialism, every inch of it engulfing the Filipino psyche. Surely, Hollywood, Bollywood, Shinjuku, Milan, and any of these other far-off places in no way whatsoever perpetuate this kind of mindset for their own respective nations. To disagree with the unfortunate implications of F. Sionil Jose's article is taboo, simply because he's F. Sionil Jose, dammit. He gets a pass.

Just like this guy. Also, deep.

Nation, there is no question about our shallowness and the depths we go through just to revel in that shallowness. There is absolutely no disagreement that there is a need for depth. While some people believe that depth is not only relative but aspirational and universal, we shake our heads and say that depth, or rather, a lack of it, is endemic to Filipinos alone, as has been handily singled out in F. Sionil's article. Naysayers may disagree, but clearly, this dissent comes from a lack of perspective and depth. Also, a lack of Palanca Awards to their names.

For you to be an authority on what is deep, you yourself need to be unquestionably deep. Just like F. Sionil Jose. Obviously, a handful of Palanca's and a National Artist distinction has earned him the gravitas to be unquestionably deep.

Heaven forbid we consider  F. Sionil's contribution of his "literature" to a commercial clothing brand, the very same kind of commercialism he rails against in his essay, to be anything other than lending depth to this brand. Just the touch of class that Freeway needed, of course! It's not selling out at all, no no no. It's not at all a quiet albeit begrudging acceptance that commercialism, like proneness to criticism, encompasses everyone, no exceptions whatsoever. Not in a million, billion years.

But really: is there a way out of this bubbling muck of shallowness the Filipino finds himself in? Do you wish to hear from the Master how to do it? Do you wish to know the truth? Well, you can't handle the truth!

Nation, we live in a world with depth, and these depths need to be guarded by men with pens. Who's gonna do it? You? You, without a single Palanca to your name? F. Sionil Jose has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You weep for the shallowness of this nation and curse the Patriotic Filipinos who incessantly point this out. You have that luxury. You have that luxury of not knowing what we know: that this condescension, while annoying, saves lives. and F. Sionil Jose's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You can't handle the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about in parties, you want that depth. You need that depth. We use words like Palanca, National Artist, and hindsight. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent in comfort that affords us that privilege to have depth and know it for what it is. You use these words as a punchline.

F. Sionil Jose has neither the time nor the inclination to explain himself to an ungrateful nation that rises and sleeps under the blanket of depth that he provides, and then questions the manner in which he provides it. He would rather that you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, we suggest you pick up a pen and earn yourself some Palanca's. Either way, we don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

His depth is the depth of a Yao Ming. Our shallowness is the shallowness of a Verne Troyer.

It's great to know that the very vanguards of this nation, we, the Patriotic Filipinos®, are also the very first to throw this nation under the bus at the drop of a bamboo pole. Because that's how we roll.

Marcelle Fabie (Pronounced "Fa-bee-yay".), who blogs on www.mistervader.com, is a man who embodies the two greatest characteristics of a Patriotic Filipino®: he is patriotic, and he is Filipino. As an upstanding individual of strong moral fibre, he puts the "grit" in "journalistic inteGRITy." Hard-hitting, fearless (except when it comes to Rick Astley), and unbelievably opinionated, he stands for truthiness, justice, and the Filipino way. He has a Pulitzer, a Nobel, an Oscar, a Grammy, and five other weirdly-named pet dogs.

Abante: Plagiarism Fail!

.:Plagiarism Fail:.

While reading some Tweets this afternoon, I noticed a pretty funny one from one of the people I follow, Tania Arpa…

That sounds funny. I must investigate.

We Want A National Bloggers Association! Well, Who's "We?"

.:“We Want A National Bloggers Association!” Well, Who’s “We?”:.

Nation, the Philippine Blogosphere has grown by leaps and bounds to a level that I still cannot fathom to this very moment. With this growth comes great power, and with this great power comes great responsibility, as a certain deceased uncle of a certain friendly neighbourhood superhero often said. We’ve seen this power rise and fall, get used and get abused, and we’ve also seen the “us versus them” stance employed against bloggers in general by most people who are involved in journalism.

A part of us wants to look at all this cacophony, this endless sea of voices and faces, and bring some semblance of order to the chaos. Surely, there must be more to this online world than just this seemingly indistinguishable morass of ideas. There has to be a way to bring out the best in the hoi poloi and make it rise to the top. Bloggers have so much power, have so much responsibility, that indeed, we need to come together. And now, believes certain people, we have that opportunity. We have an opportunity to establish a National Blogger’s Association: a group that will uphold the best and the brightest of blogging because heaven knows that annual Emerging Influential Blog ceremonies, Philippine Blog Awards, Web Awards, Asian Blog Awards, and Pinoy Exchange forum polls aren’t enough measure. Indeed, we want an NBA in the Philippines. Quinito Henson must be shaking in his boots right now.

Still Alive, But I'm Barely Breathing...

.:Establishing Comedy:.

Great show brought on by the Comedy Cartel last night in Establishment, as Noel Gascon, Richie Fernandez, Marlon Olivan, GB Labrador, and the Tim Tayag came out full-force in The Fort to bring on the laughs to an audience that couldn’t have been more appreciative and awkward if they tried.

I went to catch them on their maiden voyage in the venue, and boy, did they deliver that night. Tim’s riffing and new material really worked splendidly, and Marlon making Angelo Reyes jokes (Too soon! Too soon!) definitely brought about an interesting night, and the remaining comedians did a solid job, as always.

With the Cartel coming back next Tuesday for more fun, the Establishment is indeed the place to be on Tuesday nights. Best thing about it? Entrance is absolutely free!

.:The POC Yet Again!:.

In light of yesterday’s unfortunate passing, I ended up covering a very volatile subject: Let Tweeting Dogs Die. I don’t really want to talk about the topic anymore today, so I would much rather just let the article stand for my sentiments and my thoughts on the matter.

It may be satire, but the true message is anything but a joke.

Ophiuchus: The Zodiac Riddle

.:Ophiuchus: The Zodiac Riddle:.

Nation, according to certain news items, there should now be thirteen zodiac signs instead of twelve. It’s funny how most people who strongly identify with a particular Zodiac sign feel an identity crisis being assigned to a different one all of a sudden. One moment, you’re a Virgo, the next, you’re suddenly a Leo. The change was jarring, and even those who only have a passing interest in astrology certainly did a double-take upon hearing about this news.

But wait, the astrologers are not pleased that the astronomers are stepping into their territory! So out comes some of the most prominent names in astrology, essentially telling the astronomers that the star signs were based on seasons, not on constellations. That being said, they maintain that the zodiac signs will indeed remain the same. It doesn’t matter if Pluto is no longer a planet, and thus, all astrological calculations involving it have become obsolete: as far as they’re concerned, this doesn’t change anything. Heaven forbid they stop with their set patterns about the random bits and pieces of people’s lives, neatly fitting them into twelve different categories. Surely, a thirteenth category would throw everything out of balance, and isn’t good numerology at all. Thirteen is generally considered an unlucky number, whilst twelve is considered the number of organization. Surely, we can’t stand by having an unlucky number guiding the fortunes of the billions of people in this world, right?

Thus, a battle has been waged between the paragons of science, and the paragons of truthiness. It’s an epic, titanic clash of the mind and the gut, and ultimately, the astrologers hold sway by default because it’s highly unlikely that the astronomers would carry this whole mess through and actually create new horoscopes for Ophiuchus, right? If the astrological community would simply refuse to incorporate the thirteenth star sign, then it’s easy to realize that nothing’s going to really change.

This massive confusion at the moment has a few people instead running to the Chinese zodiac for guidance, although yours truly is perturbed since he falls under the year of the Boar, and it becomes especially awkward for myself when I find myself going out with someone who’s year of the Rat. The business of the stars and the planets is rather serious, and anything but the utmost precision will be tolerated for these people who freely choose to cede their free will to the powers of the stars. Because really, nothing says living your life than following what your horoscope tells you to do for the day.

Then again, personally, I’m not really a superstitious person at all. According to my horoscope, we Librans don’t subscribe to that silly horoscope tripe.

Erasebook: Good Riddance, Facebook!

.:Erasebook: Good Riddance, Facebook!:.

Nation, let’s open things by saying this: I’m glad Facebook is shutting down.

According to Weekly World News, Facebook is shutting down on March 15. Of course, if anyone with half a brain could read that article, they could also read the other blurbs on top of the website, such as “US Trades Carrot Top For Canadian Pennies.” Just like The Onion, Weekly World News is certainly a reputable resource that we need to pay close attention to, lest we be caught unawares about the latest UFO invasion or the newest Michael Jackson sighting while he’s hanging out with Bruce Lee and Elvis Presley.

Post-Wednesday Quick Bites

.:Loaded Wednesday:.

A night of radio hilarity, followed by good standup comedy performed for audiences expecting to have a great time. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Hanging out with the Disenchanted Kingdom and trading barbs with them has become quite the pastime, to say the least. It’s even more amusing to know that Alodia was listening yet again, and they actually asked me on the air why I’m not trying to hit on her, and I had to go all showbiz on them just to dodge that pretty awkward question. Heh.

‘Sides, someone else was listening, and I didn’t need to stress her out over it... heh.

On top of that, I'm extremely grateful to Anna because she gave me a nice post-Christmas present...

Overall, there were a lot of laughs to be had, and when coupled with the awesome standup comedy night we had where I tried some of my new material to some measure of success, I must say I’m pretty happy that Wednesdays have been my refuge from the insanity and hurly-burly of the work week. It’s been great, no question about it.

Y’know, it actually feels nice to be able to do these super-short but autobiographical blogposts every now and then. It only means there isn’t much stressing me, and I’m just taking bits and pieces of time to write what’s up with me.

.:Another Article On The POC!:.

This time, I cover show business, as I write: What Is Essential Is Invisible To The Ai. Hope you jabronis like it!

Wednesday Night Kickbacks!

.:More Articles On The POC!:.

Got published again on the POC, this time about our officials who have decided to make some new year resolutions to start 2011 off right. Me? I don't have any resolutions - except maybe to finally collect on some longstanding debts owed to me.

.:Hitting The Route:.

I swung by Route 196 last night with a couple of officemates, but I met a few other friends as well from other sectors. As usual, I didn't really take pictures, but Sugarfree, Cambio, and Peryodiko were all playing that night, so there was a lot of fun to be had.

.:The Wednesday Night Routine:.

Every Wednesday night, I make it a point to drop by 99.5 RT on the Disenchanted Kingdom, from 6-10 PM. Then, I head off to Votre Bar in the ABS-CBN area to perform with the Comedy Cartel on their open mic nights. All this stuff is free, so I definitely implore you guys to come on down and catch us in Votre, or just tune in to 99.5RT tonight. Forget Sam YG, Slick Rick, and Tony Tony for now, and just enjoy your time with King DJ Logan and the rest of the Kingdom.

A Whole Lotto Fun

A Whole Lotto Fun
By Marcelle Fabie

Nation, there is truly nothing greater than feeling joy and happiness for the good fortune of another person. It feels as if there is a kind of bond that we manage to share with those who are so blessed: a sharing of joy and happiness that cannot but lift our spirits as we vicariously bask in the glory of those whom we congratulate and wish nothing but the best for.

We are a country that shares in the victories of our heroes, whether in the realm of sports like Manny Pacquiao and Efren Bata Reyes; or in the realm of music, like Lea Salonga and Charice Pempengco. We recognize that the victory of one of our countrymen is the victory of the nation as a whole. And even if it were a foreigner who has found themselves in the company of the Filipino people, such as Korean superstar Sandara Park or former beauty queen Dayanara Torres, the Filipino people also shares in their triumphs.

That being said, I hope whoever won the 740M pot in the last lottery draw disappears from the face of the earth for all eternity, the rotten bastich.

Was it not the eminent Archbishop Cruz who condemned this anonymous winner for all eternity by letting him know that he or she stole this money from the Filipino people? Clearly, a person who bought a ticket for twenty pesos stole 740 million pesos from all of us, no matter how illogical that sounds. After all, how dare somebody win a lottery, right? These things were supposed to be a tax on people who are bad with math, yet somehow, someone broke those odds. And for that, we have to begrudge them.

And nation, everything’s better with Tim Yap, considering how famous he made Miko Morelos by tweeting that the man actually won the lottery. Let’s not let the fact that he was merely reporting about someone winning the lottery nor the fact that for the sake of protecting a person, the names of lottery winners are withheld get in the way of Tim Yap’s insatiable desire to get a scoop despite being about as credible a journalist as 1:43 would if they came up with a documentary about quality music.

With a lynch mob out for the scalp of Miko Morelos for his (non-existent) good fortune, is it any wonder that we patriotic Filipinos cannot feel anything but utter pride in how classy we have become as a nation in the face of good fortune and triumph? After all, we merely want to spare this poor, anonymous (Possibly Korean) lottery winner from a lifetime of misery that would beset them if they took that prize money.

Statistics have been clear about how many big lottery winners have ended up being worse off financially after everything because of paranoia, exorbitant spending, and fair-weathered friends (and even wives) all teaming up to do a number on a winner who, in the end, feels more like a loser after everything. We don’t want that fate upon them, and in wishing they would share the burden of 740 million sinful Pesos with the rest of us, perhaps we could mitigate such a Herculean task.

And really, we patriotic Filipinos have nothing but the best of intentions at heart for our anonymous winner. With the destruction upon one’s life that 740 million pesos can wreak, one can only hope that they would not allow this misery to befall our unknown friend.

In the end, no matter how much money one may win, all the money in the world can never buy them class. The kind of class we patriotic Filipinos already have in buckets.

An Exclusive Interview With Demi Lovato!

.:EXCLUSIVE Interview With Demi Lovato:.

Now, we reveal the truth behind the mysteries!

And because I take my music snark very seriously, I actually managed to secure an interview with the currently embattled Demi Lovato, who recently checked herself into rehab due to still unclear reasons.

Here’s a transcript of how the interview I conducted turned out, what can only be termed as a veritable clash of titans between a superstar of unimaginable proportions, and Demi Lovato.

Me: Hi, Demi! I know you don’t have much time for pleasantries, so I’ll go straight to the questions – is it true that the main reason you checked into rehab not because of your breakup but because of an eating disorder you wanted to curb once and for all?

Demi Lovato: This is real.

Me: Is this picture (See above) of you true? Or is it a doctored photo?

Demi Lovato: This is me.

Me: How do you feel about this situation you’re in? Do you have any regrets?

Demi Lovato: I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now.

Me: Once you get out of rehab, what do you plan to do?

Demi Lovato: Gonna let the light shine on me.

Me: Thanks, Demi! I’m glad that now you know who you are!

Demi Lovato: There’s no way to hold it in.

Riveting stuff, isn’t it? Well, I wouldn’t have believed any of this either if I didn’t hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. We wish you a speedy recovery, Demi!

More Articles On The POC...

.:Oh, Look! A Couple Of New Articles!:.

I’m sort of on a roll lately writing for The POC, and here are a couple of articles I wrote on the political side of the spectrum...

“Made Of Win” covers my thoughts on mayoral candidate Erwin Genuino, who seems to be going strong heading into the new elections. On a personal level, I do like what he stands for and how he thinks, but it’s all moot as I’m not a Makati voter.

On the other hand, nobody is spared as I talk about each presidential candidate in my other article, and comment how they are one-trick ponies. It’s really a bit sad that they revolve around only one thing, and even in light of the fact that the one thing they hinge their candidacy upon isn’t really working, they prove that they are anything but multi-dimensional. It’s a very harsh rundown of all the candidates, and I’d like to keep it that way rather than salivate over one presidentiable or another.

Live It Up, Beat It Down

.:GMA + BEP + Le Cirque = FTW!:.

Apparently, what pushed the bill up for the infamous Le Cirque dinner wasn't the set menu that they had, but a special performance by the Black Eyed Peas which was labeled as a "special tribute", not to the current president, but to someone far more special.

This was a surprise number paid for by the party's host, Rep. Romualdez, and "not a single cent of taxpayer's money was used to fund this special performance."

According to very reliable hearsay, international pop stars the Black Eyed Peas were asked to perform one song number for the president that was certainly representative of our beloved president's demeanor upon receiving the tragic news of the passing of former president Corazon Aquino.

A picture of grace under pressure, the president was reportedly enjoying her eighth glass of wine (Or was it bottle? Our reliable hearsay was unable to clarify.) when Filipino-American Apl De Ap walked up to her, with bandmates in tow, and they spoke briefly before quickly launching into song, reminiscent of the last time a special production number was performed in honor of the president.

"We know how you're feeling right now, Madame President," said Apl. "As such, we'd like to offer a moment of silence for a great woman, Corazon Aquino."

In a show of class and taste, in the middle of the moment of silence, GMA raised her glass of wine for a toast for Cory Aquino. This was met by thunderous applause from the group dining.

"Okay, moment's over. Let's hit it!"

And with that, the first beats of the Black Eyed Peas hit song, "I Gotta Feeling" piped into the restaurant, thus embodying the very feelings of the president that night.

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get crunk

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just lose it all

I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Mazeltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off
Let's paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it
And live it up

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)

Tonight’s the night
let’s live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get crunk

Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mazeltov (l'chaim)
Look at her dancing (move it, move it)
Just take it off

Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Lets do it, let's do it, let's do it
Let’s live it up

Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock

Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top

Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don’t stop

Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
Friday, Saturday, Saturday and Sunday

We keep keep keep keep on going
We know what we say
Party everyday
P-p-p-party everyday

Got a feeling
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night...

Immediately afterwards, the president offered another toast, and everyone was more than happy about the very elaborate tribute by the Black Eyed Peas.

"We will always remember you, Tita Cory," a very teary-eyed public official said, after listening to the heartwarming lyrics of the song.

"I wish the millions of Filipinos in our country right now who are starving and have no job to speak of and no future to look forward to were here right now. Truly, this ostentatious outpouring of love and tribute was worth every cent," said another noticeably emotional public servant.

Upon arrival in the country, a visibly exhausted president rushed to the memorial services for Corazon Aquino, all the while belying the solemn nature of her personal tribute to one of her role models in the political world while she was half a world away, living it up, just like the Black Eyed Peas sang so convincingly.

She spent a total of seven minutes at the service, having hummed the song twice in her head before leaving, to pay respects to the former president, tapping her feet rhythmically.

.:It Is Official: Carlo J. Caparas, National Artist:.

Amid the uproar, Carlo J. Caparas has officially been named a "National Artist," but to compromise with protesters, his designation as "National Artist for visual arts and film" has been slightly modified to be more representative of his body of work.

Thus, a new category was created that was met with no opposition even by the harshest of Caparas's critics: Carlo J. Caparas is now the National Artist "for artistic temperament".

In an interview, Carlo J. Caparas, sporting his traditional garb of sunglassed and baseball cap, said, "Tama lang na parangalan akong national artist, at siguro naman wala nang magrereklamo. Hindi ba't pareho kami ng ugali ni Van Gogh saka ni Christian Bale?"

Caparas was obviously referring to the great painter, Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his own ear, thus proving that he was batshit insane; and Christian Bale, who, depending on his role due to his method acting, is also batshit insane.

As such, Carlo J. Caparas is in good company. After all, one need not be a true artist to have an artistic temperament.

"Finally, CJC's efforts over the decades is being recognized. Who could ever forget his immortal lines, 'suntukan na lang tayo'?" A very pleased supporter was reported as saying.

When asked to comment about the matter, fellow director Uwe Boll applauded Caparas's "courage in the face of cricism", citing his own efforts to prove his artistic merit in a boxing match against his critics, whom he resoundingly beat up convincingly. It is to be noted that one particular critic was declined participation in this said event, as he reportedly has a background in MMA.

Caparas, best known for writing (But not drawing!) memorable komiks such as "Joaquin Bordad" and "Totoy Bato", and a spate of terrible but commercially successful massacre films that launched Kris Aquino to superstardom (See? Even more reason to thank CJC!), is reported to be satisfied that the furor over his having bypassed Coching, Ravelo, and two Alcala's has died down when his National Artist proclamation was reassigned to be more representative of his body of work.

In keeping with his artistic demeanor, and in a show of class and composure, he suggested to his critics that they be grateful now that finally, people actually give a damn about who the National Artists are, and that his illustrious name has been added to their ranks, under pain of fisticuffs. Who cares about "campus writers" and "pretentious directors", right?

Carlo J. Caparas, congratulations for being our National Artist for artistic temperament! Truly, you are an excuse for douchebags all over this country to continue acting the way they do because hey, it's not "petulant whining and wrangling," it's "artistic temperament!" I also admire your immeasurable modesty in accepting this honor while you are not yet old, infirm, or dead, "unlike my other newfound colleagues," as you would put it, paraphrased.

I am especially thrilled by how you still identify yourself with the masses despite your mansions and your numerous automobiles. It's an amazing technique, talking out of both sides of your mouth. I know some people would call you out on that for hypocrisy, but I say, it's "artistic temperament!" See? Such a great honor to be bestowed upon you! Not only is it a fitting label, to be called a National Artist, it is now a convenient excuse for anything stupid you would say or do! If anyone still has any qualms, aba, suntukan na lang kayo. I am excited to witness the prospect of you having to defend your title of "National Artist" for the rest of your life as though you were some WWE Wrestler.

I've often heard of sore losers, but this is one of the few times I've heard of a sore winner. You are truly in a class all your own, and outstanding in your own field.

How I wish that was really all you ever did: that you'd be out standing in your own field. For good.

Lost Gems Of Philippine History: Cory's Last Unsent Letter

.:Lost Gems Of Philippine History: Cory's Last Unsent Letter:.

Dear Kris,

I know I don't have long, given my condition. I've been very weak, and I've fought a long battle. In the end, there are very few things I'd really want to say.

In the end, all of it boils down to two statements: I know, and I understand.

I know it will be inevitable people would lose sight of the freedom they now enjoy, and choose to focus on my mistakes rather than what I fought for in life, and what Ninoy stood for in death. I understand that most of them will not have lived through the horrors we have lived through, few of them will know the pain of losing the man you love at what appeared to be his moment of triumph, and in understanding, I pay the price. I'd rather they took me for granted, rather than they'd have nothing to take for granted.

I know I will be revered to the point of sainthood by some, but I certainly wish that weren't the case. I am not an extraordinary person with talents available only to myself. I was merely a person who was in the right place and at the right time, and did what she thought was best at each step of the way. To say I am special and above everyone else denies people the right to aspire to become good, upright people, and provides them with an excuse to mire themselves in complacency and mediocrity. I understand how hard it is to find a hero in these times, but all they need do is look at themselves and believe they can be that person. I was never perfect. I was never a saint. I made more mistakes than I'd care to count. Despite that, it is not the man with no fear who is courageous, but the man who faces the fears he is beset with.

I know people will feel pain over those who choose to belittle the spirit of EDSA: a spirit that is certainly bigger than me alone. I find it the opposite: it is a cause for celebration. That these people are free to express their sentiments, no matter how upsetting it may be, is proof that the spirit of EDSA has done its job, perhaps imperfectly, but it is still a job that has been done. I understand. There's still so much more to do, and what we as a nation have done from 1986 is but one step in a long journey.

I know some people will choose to complain rather than to understand what is going on. Maybe they'd complain about a TV coverage happening in the middle of some girl dancing provocatively, or complain about traffic and weather getting in the way of whatever they want to do, or complain about how you, dear Kris, will inevitably say something so brutally frank some might feel you are merely using me. I understand, but know all too well that it is your unabashed honesty, to the point of tactlessness, that I can't help but love about you: there is no need to second guess anything about you.

I know some people will ride the wave of my death, and use it to elevate their status. They will attempt to pretend that they are one with the people, but in the end use the people much the same way they have always been. I understand them. That does not mean I condone them, or the way they use me in death as some of them have used me in life. They may ride the coattails of history for now, but they will expose themselves for what they truly are, sooner or later.

And lastly...

... I know some people will confuse my impending death with President Arroyo's. Our names are rather similar, we're both female presidents, we're both Capampangan, to name a few things that could confuse people. I know some people would wish it were her instead of me to be laid to rest soon.

I understand that. ;)

Love,
Mom

This SONA Will Be A Hot One...

.:House Speaker Prospero Nograles Promises A "Special Surprise" In Lieu Of Con-Ass After SONA...:.

According to very reliable sources, House Speaker Propsero Nograles has assured that there will be no moves to turn the joint house session happening during today's State Of The Nation Address into a Con-Ass, thus allaying the fears of certain sectors that President Arroyo's SONA this year will not be its last.

"We are not going to try to pull a fast one," intimated House Speaker Nograles, who was beaming widely as our reliable source interviewed him. "However, in lieu of pushing for Con-Ass, some of the most esteemed Congressmen in the Lower House have decided to prepare a production number."

While Speaker Nograles kept mum about this apparent surprise, "It's True! It's True!" can now confirm the nature of this special production number, and it's quite a doozy: apparently, in an effort to keep up with the times, they will be singing and dancing to a hit song from Korean Pop Stars "The Wondergirls".

Obviously very much in tune with the pulse of the nation, Speaker Nograles will be flanked by four other Congressmen, namely Mikey Arroyo, Matt Defensor, Ramon Durano, and Ed Zialcita, all glammed up and referring to themselves as "The Wonderboys".

The Wondergirls are, along with fellow K-Pop girl group 2NE1, being regarded as the "second invasion" of Korea on Philippine shores, the first of course, involving various Korean series, beginning with "Lovers In Paris", being a massive hit in the country, as well as the presence of Sandara Park in ABS-CBN, who is now a member of 2NE1.

Asked which particular song they will be performing after the SONA, a very excited Matt Defensor confessed it was the current smash hit playing even on high-end stations like RX 93.1: "Nobody".

"We wish to dedicate this song to our beloved president, because we believe that nobody, nobody but her could possibly do such a great job of leading the country," said Defensor, while he was performing the dance steps of the song's chorus in time with his fellow performing congressmen.

Citing artistic license, here are the slightly modified English lyrics of the Wondergirls hit song:

Nobody
by the Wonderboys

You know we still love you, Gloria,
And it will never change-ah. (Saranghe)

CHORUS:
We want nobody nobody but choo, we want nobody nobody but choo
How can we elect another, we don't even wanna bother
We want nobody nobody nobody nobody

Why are you trying to, to leave Malacanang
We know what you're thinking
To your lines, we are listening
How can we just
Just have elections in 2010
Forget you completely
When we know you still love the country?

Telling us you're not good enough
Our lives with you are just too tough
You know it's not right so
Just stop and come back, Ate Glo
How can this be
When you were meant to be

(Repeat Chorus 2x)


Why can't we just, just be like this
Cause it's you that we need and ZTE is our friend
Who else can ever make us feel the way we
We feel when we're with you, Noli will never do

Telling us you're not good enough
We know that bust job was pretty rough
You know you're a handful enough, though
You know what we need, Ate Glo
Right next to you is where we want to be.

(Repeat Chorus)

We don't want no body, body ('Cept your body, baby!)
We don't want no body, body ('Cept your body, baby!)

Honey you know it's you that we want, it's you that we need
Why can't you see~

We want nobody nobody but choo, we want nobody nobody but choo
How can we elect another, We don't even wanna bother
We want nobody nobody nobody nobody

Back to the days when we were so young and wild and free
Nothing else matters other than you and the economy
So tell us why can't it be
Please let us live our lives our way
Why do you push us away
We don't want nobody nobody nobody nobody but choo!!!

Asked to comment about their song being appropriated by the lower house, the Wondergirls stated how happy they are to be given such an opportunity "bigger than opening for the Jonas brothers."

On the other hand, Sandara Park of 2NE1 declined to comment about the issue, sheepishly admitting that their debut hit "Lollipop" had more relevance to the U.S. political scene during the Clinton administration than anywhere else.

In other news, blogger LA commented that the difference between a fairy tale and a SONA is that "ang fairy tale, isang kwentong hindi totoo na may dwende", while "ang SONA, may dwendeng nagkukwento ng hindi totoo". Pundits seem to agree wholeheartedly.

While they've conveniently ignored surveys and other statistics when they don't favor our beloved president, how much are you willing to bet they will be more than happy to count how many times they get an applause from the audience?

And now, your moment of Zen...

Nobody, nobody but choo!!!

Lost Gems Of Philippine History: The 1896 Board Meeting

PBA0981081ro

P.S. To my great-great-granduncle, Marcelo H. Del Pilar, I really needed a straw man for this, so my apologies if I had to pick you and Emilio. You know I still love you. =P

.:The Output-Oriented Revolution: A Board Meeting...:.

Emilio Aguinaldo: Mabini, take down the minutes of this meeting. And would you be a dear and run to StarbucKKK’s and grab us some frappes?

Apolinario Mabini : Excuse me?

Emilio Aguinaldo: *sighs* Fine. Just take down the minutes. I’ll just text Gregorio to grab some coffee for us when he passes by the Tirad branch.

Marcelo del Pilar: Okay, let’s call this meeting to order. Our first item on our agenda – we are running way over budget. Andres, care to explain?

Andres Bonifacio: What’s the fuss? I need those arms for our military endeavours, and we...

Emilio Aguinaldo: We are withholding any further buget allocation for the procurement of arms, Andres. Our bottomline is being hurt. We want to see results. How many soldiers did we lose as opposed to civil guards this month?

Andres Bonifacio: Emilio, these are acceptable and necessary losses. We are waging a war.

Marcelo del Pilar: Be that as it may, we are running on a budget. What do you think we are doing here? Fighting for liberty at all costs?

Andres Bonifacio: I was under the impression that’s what we were doing.

Marcelo del Pilar: You have yet to win a convincing victory on the battlefield! You need to be more like King Leonidas from Sparta, although you don't have abs.

Andres Bonifacio: Ang tunay na lalake, walang abs. And didn't Leonidas lose that fight against the Persians anyways? So why's he considered heroic and I'm not?

Marcelo del Pilar: Stop using annoying things like the facts and sound logic to dissuade me from my point, Andres. What will our board of investors ever say about these expenses? We need to stop launching military efforts, and just sit on our hands and hope Spain gets tired of us and lets us go. That’s the more economical solution to these problems, what with all this talk about a recession. Even the polos are getting fired, as underpaid and overworked as they are!

Emilio Aguinaldo: We are left with no choice, then. We need to pull the plug on our military arm. Let’s try declaring independence on our targeted date, June 12, without having to even go through the motions of a revolution. Hey, it just might work, right?

Marcelo del Pilar: A capital idea! And now, the second item on our agenda... Pepe, what have you been doing lately?

Jose Rizal: I’ve had two doctorates, travelled all over the world, written two books, awakened national consciousness to Spanish abuse, and...

Marcelo del Pilar: What? You just wrote books? We didn’t put you through all this education to act educated, you know. We want you to take charge, to fight, to put your life on the line!

Jose Rizal: And next week’s scheduled execution for yours truly doesn’t seem like putting my life on the line for you?

Marcelo del Pilar: Meh. We’re still not free, are we?

Jose Rizal: Moses died before his people got to the promised land. But they did. Are you saying what Moses did was inconsequential?

Emilio Aguinaldo: Well, Barack Obama’s been talking about change for a while already, but that’s mostly just been motherhood statements so far, hasn’t it? It’s all about output. I mean, Manny Pacquiao's even more heroic than you, Andres. He wins his fights all the time!

Marcelo del Pilar: Who are those people?

Emilio Aguinaldo: I’m sorry. It just sounded like a witty thing to say. I wasn’t thinking.

Marcelo del Pilar: We’re digressing. So Pepe, you’re telling me all you did was write a couple of books?

Jose Rizal: You mean a couple of books that is currently sparking this revolution you plan on cancelling due to budget considerations? You mean a couple of books that are testament to the fact that we are not merely maleducated Indios, as the Spaniards derisively call most of us, but educated Filipinos who can and will be able to run this country when we achieve independence?

Marcelo del Pilar: Yep. Just a couple of books. Just like those books your son, Adolf read.

Jose Rizal: You mean Protocols of Zion and Will to Power? Oh, forgive me. I’m sure that a couple of books that led to the death of six million Jews are, just like Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo, “just a couple of books.”

Marcelo del Pilar: I don’t like the implication of your tone, Pepe. Are you seriously saying that discourse and not just misguided anger will pave the way to independence? Such a novel concept, but ultimately futile.

Andres Bonifacio: Why are we all speaking in English, by the way, shouldn’t we be speaking in our native tongues, to prove how much we love our country?

Jose Rizal: Jeebus Cripes, Andres! I’m getting shot next week because I’ve caused so much trouble that the Spaniards are worried I’d lead a revolution that would free us all. In a few years, Emilio over there will have you killed, and all you could think of is that mere vestigial gestures of patronizing our language would weigh more in the annals of history than the fact that we’re, y’know, dying for our country?

Andres Bonifacio: Wait, Rizal, didn't you say...

Jose Rizal: I know what I said, but gee, whiz. That's not the only way to show you love your country, right? I think I've earned the right to be "higit pa sa malansang isda"...

Andres Bonifacio: Lawl. You’re right, Pepe. How much are you willing to bet that some thankless little git would be spitting on our graves a hundred or so years from now just because we never get to see the output we’re fighting for? Heck, I'm sure one of our awesome friends would have people claiming she should be more important than Cory, who will free us from a tyrannical dictator in 1986 just because they think she's cuter than Cory. I'm sure even she would disagree on that point.

Jose Rizal: All this fortune telling aside, output? Who cares about output? This isn’t a business. This is a war. That’s a basic logical fallacy, Andres. Faulty analogy is faulty. It doesn’t hold water. Do we even have computers and the internets to measure how well we’re doing in this quest for liberation? We are only doing what we can to the best of our abilities, even if it kills us. Output or no output, we have pulled our share for the next generation. What are these ingrates doing for their generation? Hasn’t it always been the case that we plant the seeds for the future, and someone else reaps the benefits? Do you mean to tell me only those who win wars are heroic? You call Genghis Khan heroic?

Melchora Aquino: I’m just glad you guys didn’t ask me to make coffee this time.

Emilio Aguinaldo: Hush, woman. We’re still sexist. This is the 1800’s, remember?

Melchora Aquino: Two hundred years from now, we’ll still be sexist.

Emilio Aguinaldo: That’s because we have a crappy girl president by the time they read the minutes of this meeting. Eww. Cooties!

Apolinario Mabini: That’s it, guys. I’m walking out.

Emilio Aguinaldo: And how do you propose to do that?

Apolinario Mabini: What a lame joke. Pshaw.

Marcelo del Pilar: Gais, I’m lost. This is all flying over my head. Let’s just cancel the revolution, and Pepe, stop writing. You’re beginning to sound like a sensationalist blogger.

AREN’T WE ALL GLAD THE REVOLUTION WASN’T A CORPORATE ENDEAVOUR?!? I KNOW I AM!!!

You're On A Roll!

.:You’re On A Roll!:.

Senator Bong Revilla calls Dr. Kho a “maniac”.

The good senator is on a roll, and has now taken the opportunity to really slam Dr. Hayden Kho over the multiple sex scandals he is currently embroiled in, earning him the unenviable/enviable monicker, “The Edison Chen of the Philippines”.

I understand that you have to have concrete knowledge about the videos to be able to pass on judgment over the issue, but maybe it's just me, but isn't his seeming "expertise" on the topic tipping off just how intently he viewed this scandal? I do find the statements about the issue rather... odd...

“I saw the scandal, and it was so disgusting! Especially what he did to her at 8:25. That was just revolting! I had to rewind it several times just to fathom how deplorable that was. And the way she sounded in 14:22. That really made my... hair... stand up on end. It was unbelievable what Hayden did! And she was even asking him repeatedly at 17:40 if anyone was recording them because of those creaking sounds in the background. And when he finally... oy vey. It was just wrong. Hayden, anak ka ng teteng! I think I need some new pants.”

In all seriousness, while I cannot condone Dr. Kho’s actions (and apparent lack of remorse), is it already verified that he was the one who released the video scandals? Because if he did, then for once, I’d have to agree with the good senator on this one, grandstanding aside.

Oh, Senator Revilla. Never change!

Filipinos Were Poked Fun At Again, Oh Noes!

.:Here We Go Again...:.

Because Chip Tsao is soooo yesterday’s news, as far as Filipinos are concerned.

Alec Baldwin makes a joke about Filipina (And Russian) mail-order brides, and Filipinos predictably bristle. Obviously, the overblown reaction to the offhand comment will follow, and Bong Revilla doesn’t disappoint.

As always, I’m here to say that while I understand people who take offense over these jokes (I personally don’t, but I am all for YMMV.), I don’t think that reacting like boors and savages will get the point across that Mr. Baldwin’s comments did not go over well with people. Personally, I’m of the belief that a joke is a joke is a joke, but hey, I’m the type who laughs at dead baby comedies, so my tolerance for risqué humor is higher than the average Filipino’s.

Just look at it this way... are the Russians reacting nearly as violently as some of us Filipinos are right now? A simple Google search would tell you that no, the Russians aren’t the least bit offended by this off-handed comment. While we tolerate our own brand of racism here in this country (Albeit Candy Pangilinan’s joke about Igorots didn’t fly too well with us, either.), we cry foul when it’s our turn to be in the limelight.

You gotta love the double standard on free speech here, and I doubt it’s endemic to Filipinos alone. How many people have we heard whining in their blogs/twitters/plurks about people who whine about them in their blogs/twitters/plurks? How many of them wish these people who have something negative to say about them disappear, yet turn around and do the exact same thing to other people?

Ladies and gentlemen, if you can’t take it, then stop dishing it out. You made your bed, so freaking lie in it. You can’t expect to make up some silly standards for yourself then break them when it’s convenient then uphold them when someone else is breaking them and it’s not to your liking. If you want to besmirch someone, then be prepared to be besmirched right back... or poked fun at, for acting like an airheaded boor with no concept of manners whatsoever.

So yeah, Mr. Baldwin: I didn’t take offense over your not-so-funny joke, and on behalf of the Filipinos who will overreact, I apologize in advance.

But man, you should learn to treat your daughter nicer. That was pretty harsh, and unlike Christian Bale, this wasn’t your DP you chewed out. It’s your own daughter.

P.S. Of course, I do wonder if the Russians aren’t reacting because they’re sending the KGB to deal with Baldwin and Letterman as we speak...

.:So Why’s Nobody Reacting To Roger Ebert Yet?:.

Roger Ebert slams “Kinatay” as the “worst film in Cannes history”, and am I wrong in thinking that there will be a backlash against Ebert over this?

If a person thinks the movie was crap, then that’s one man’s opinion. He even sort of liked “Serbis”, which was shown last year, so to pull the racist card on the man would probably be quite a stretch of imagination.

But lo and behold, I will just have to wait. Give it about a week to sink in, and you will have Filipinos calling for Roger Ebert’s head for giving a negative review about a film that just happened to be Filipino. How dare a man do his job and not like a movie? It’s Filipino! Filipino movies are good and perfect! With classics like “Enteng Kabisote” and “Lapu-Lapu”, how could he possibly denigrate the very pinnacle of filmmaking genius?!?

That’s right. Ebert is a hack, and a racist hack at that! We demand he apologize to the Philippines, nay, we demand that he kneel down before us and ask for our forgiveness, because we will never let him see another Filipino film ever again until he does! He will be deprived of cinematic greats like “Kangkong” and “Itlog”, and forever rue the day that he deigned to express his opinion against us Filipinos. Only us Filipinos should be allowed to criticize fellow Filipinos...w ait, no! We shouldn’t do that either, because that’s called “crab mentality”. Nobody has the right to criticize Filipinos!

P.S. Here’s hoping this preemptive jocular gesture will remain only that – a jocular gesture. I will seriously palmface if I see another politician attempt to use this incident as an opportunity to grandstand again. Guys, do your job! Stop scrounging the internet for what other people have to say about us!

Random Thoughts On Labor Day...

.:Here's Hoping For Post-Paid Friendly Promotions!:.

Globe had an excellent awareness campaign for their SuliTXT 15 and Everybody TXT 20 promos, where both offers give you 100 text messages to Globe and Touchmobile subscribers, although Everybody TXT would allow you to text 10 messages as well to non-Globe or TM subscribers.

These offers will last 24 hours from when you avail of them, whether via registering on 8888 or at your neighborhood loading center as well. It's never been easier!

The campaign last night was hosted by the amazing Dax Martin, a gay comedian who really had the audiences rolling in the aisle. I ended up making beso with him a bunch of times, since it was all in good fun, and the bloggers were enjoying themselves while we were all there.

Thanks to Globe for having us over, and for making life easier for the prepaid subscriber who wants to get the best bang for their buck.

Of course, one would hope that us Globe post-paid subscribers would have our own promos in the future. =P

.:EDIT: Well Played, MA'AM. Well Played:.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am a big fan of taking it the way you dish it out. Well, I've dished out a lot of vitriol over the past few weeks, so now, I have discovered that according to this blog entry, I could be one of two types of bloggers:

1. I am either the person who "likes magic" (Which isn't entirely true. I "love" magic. And do it for a living. Haha.), and is thus, the ANGRY BLOGGER who "seldom makes sense", or...

2. I am this new category of bloggers: the FEELING MO PINAG-UUSAPAN KA, PERO HINDI NAMAN" blogger.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the paragon of coolness, as I have a very short fuse and I tend to have a lot of pet peeves. On the other hand, I don't want my defining characteristic as a blogger to be one who is "angry all the time".

You see, that's the nature of satire: it exposes inconvenient truths for all of us, and I am not the kind of hypocrite who would cry foul over something like this, assuming this is in reference to me. I dished it out, I should be able to take it.

Hades, if anything, I got off easy here. Being called an "angry blogger" who "seldom makes sense" is a lot less harsh than some of the other comments leveled at the other people in the other categories.

So anyways, to Patricia Magubat, I don't know you, but I thank you for your astute observation. I don't wanna promise I'd stop being an angry blogger when I see just cause in being so, and if this bit turned out to not be about me after all, I don't wanna promise I'd stop being vain, either. =P

It's satire, guys. If it hits you, dammit, learn from it! Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, buti nga! Ang pikon ay laging talo. =P

Errata: As I said, in the event that I happen to be wrong about this, I will humbly accept the term "Feeling pinag-uusapan pero hindi naman pala blogger". Given the updates, it would appear I *am* wrong, and I wasn't the "angry blogger". Now, I suppose it's safe to say that I am now the "guilty blogger", but I would also like to apologize to Patricia for referring to her as a "sir", since I was just using the expression "well played, sir" even if I wasn't really assuming that the author was male.

Now, I can safely say that I'm right about being the "guilty blogger", not just because of the clues given, but because if I'm wrong again, then it's pretty obvious that I really am guilty, lol.

Still, I'm serious when I say: guys, if it hits you, instead of taking offense, do something about it! It's for your own good!

If Who Wants To Be... Is Coming Back, What About The Weakest Link?

.:Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Is Coming Back...:.

Oh, yeah, baby! Vic Sotto is hosting WW2BAM for Channel 5, and that is nothing short of awesome. I personally loved Who Wants To Be A Millionaire during its first Philippine incarnation with Christopher De Leon in Channel 13, and I can’t help but be stoked about it all over again, what with the Slumdog Millionaire hoopla that is closely following behind it.

I am eagerly anticipating this show, and would definitely want to see how Vic Sotto stacks up to Christopher De Leon as a host for this franchise. I loved the show then, and I’m probably gonna love the show now, since I’m a big fan of TVJ.

.:But Wait? What About... The Weakest Link?:.

If you recall my old college creative shot, I was wearing a Weakest Link shirt there, and I was pretty proud of it. During the heyday of the show, we all loved how Edu Manzano’s witty putdowns would demean the competitors, and how he’d turn to the side when he said, “you are the weakest link – goodbye!” If WW2BAM made a comeback, shouldn’t The Weakest Link be following closely behind?

Edu Manzano was an amazing host, but I think that his schtick has run its course. We also know that the videoke master style employed by Allan K to put down contestants never went over too well with the audiences, either, so we now need a new host who can turn the show around with their remarkably different take on manning the helm for a new version of the Weakest Link.

So for your perusal, I present to you to the top 3 people I’d want to have as hosts for a new version of The Weakest Link...

3. Kim Chiu and Gerald Anderson: Can you imagine these two being deliberately mean to players? No, I can’t, either. That’s why it would be awesome to have both of them there. In the middle of their tweetums-ness and the challenges they will face in trying to read the questions out correctly (Hey, it could be worse! What if it were Marian Rivera, right?), we will probably be treated to some classic putdown gems like...

- “Sino ang kulang ng Enervon kaninang umaga?”

- “Sino sa inyo ang pinangmumumog ang Pure and Fresh Feminine Wash?”

- “Sino ang hindi nagka-happy period?”

- And of course, ”Sino ang naghanap ng Big Mac sa Jollibee?”

It’s corporate tie-up Nirvana! Not only will Kimerald be challenged immensely in being mean as they declare who the weakest link of each round would be, they will also shamelessly shill like crazy during the show, to the delight of the sponsors. It’s a win-win situation for everyone (Except perhaps for the audience and the contestants.)! Kim Chiu and Gerald Anderson as your hosts for The Weakest Link will drive the ratings through the roof, what with the inexplicable following their loveteam has, when it should be the Jakerald tandem we should be looking out for.

2. Mon Tulfo: You want someone even meaner than Edu Manzano and Anne Robinson, the classic host from the British version of the show? Well, Mon Tulfo is your man! With his vocabulary of four-letter words, we’d all have a field day appreciating his witty putdowns at the expense of the contestants, such as...

- “Sino ang bobo?”

- “Sino ang tanga?”

- “Sino ang pulis?”

- And of course, “You are the weakest link - GAGO!”

Mon Tulfo will bring a refreshing kind of wit and brutality to the show. His very candid, honest, and decidedly un-sugarcoated comments will be nothing short of marvellous. To be honest, it’s very hard to think of any particular person in the Philippines, living or dead, who can beat Mon Tulfo at this kind of eloquence and refinement, except perhaps one person, who is undeniably the best possible host the new version of The Weakest Link could ever hope for...

1. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Was there any doubt about this? The good Senator has all the tools she needs to not only know the answers to any potential question the writers of the show can come up with (Thus eliminating the need for an answer key, and saving on space, thus requiring less paper for question sheets.), she can probably even come up with her own questions (Thus eliminating the need for writers completely.), and nobody would ever get a question right (Thus saving on prize money.). Miriam is a production outfit’s dream: she will save them money via removing the need for scripts, writers, and prizes. Furthermore, she will draw the ratings in because nobody would ever want to miss Senator Defensor-Santiago’s peerless arsenal of putdowns. The kind of putdowns Miriam could dish out can only be described in the vernacular: durog ang pagkatao ng contestant!

-“Which one of you did not graduate from an Ivy League University, and is thus, forever fated to live in a life of servitude to some foreign master in some transnational company who would never even remember their name the minute they die?”

-“Which one of you does not possess an IQ of 200, and thus cannot process even the simplest of questions on quantum physics with so much as a pretense of competence?”

-“Which one of you is impeding my progress in the International Court of Justice?”

- And ultimately, “You are an insignificant insect. You are a troglodyte who cannot even begin to comprehend that you are given this thing we all refer to as a brain. You stood behind the door when God handed out intelligence. You never amounted to anything before getting on this show, and you never will. You are made of phail. You are the weakest link – Get out!”

If anyone ever wants to produce a new version of The Weakest Link, here’s hoping you take these candidates under consideration to host this surefire awesome revival.