Friday, January 16, 2015

The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done

.:The Unsent Series, Volume 5, Part I: One And Done:.

Dear Downline,

Betrayal. That was the only word that came to mind when you did what you did. After talking up a storm about how amazing things are. After telling me again and again how you valued us and what we had.

You claim you respected me, yet you never respected me enough to deal with this face to face. It was as impersonal as can be. It was done while you were having the time of your life, because you didn't want to really deal with the aftermath, did you? It was selfish and painful and I can't help but feel contempt over that.

But if I were to say that I never loved you, or that I regret everything we shared, I would just be lying to myself.

I never regretted a single thing. And though I know you never could meet me halfway, I gave you all I could, without asking you to give me as much in return. I was fine with that.

You say you have to find yourself. And maybe you do. I just wish you truly respected me enough to talk to me before you made up your mind. I just wish you realized you didn't have to go on this journey all alone.

I don't know how to look at you right now. I don't know whether to despise you or pity you. I don't know whether to open my door in friendship or cut you out of my life because of your betrayal. I don't know where to go from here.

But what I do know was that we had something good and you found windmills to do battle with on your own - and lost. And now, I suffer the consequences of that.

Story of my life. I'm used to it. And believe me when I say I understand. But understanding doesn't make it hurt any less. Understanding doesn't magically absolve you of all the things you did that you knew you shouldn't have. 

Was I not worth the courtesy? Was I not worth the effort? Because the way you act and the way you speak shows me that I was wrong to have given you so much credit. Did you simply not care? Did you simply never love me? Then why start anything at all?

I never expected forever and a day when I chose you. That is something you never expect. That is something you build. Together. For some reason, you lost sight of that. We could have worked through this. Together. And even if it wouldn't have turned out any better than this, at least I wasn't left in the lurch.

You never gave me a fair chance, Downline. You formed ideas in your head that you never truly put to the litmus test, and decided they represented the truth. And you know why I know this? Because you never had the courage to do this to my face. You had to hide behind another country and a computer because you were a coward. 

So please: don't go telling me you respected me. Because you didn't. Don't go telling me that we came so far. Because you decided to stand still. But don't go telling me that all of this was why you have to leave me. Because I didn't care either way. All I cared about was you and your happiness. And that's also why I'm not begging you to stay: your happiness is clearly not with me any longer. 

Someday, you'll figure it all out. Someday you'll have it all together. I may not know if I'll be there for you when that time comes, but I know you will figure it all out. 

I just wish you didn't have to break my heart this way before you did. Because I didn't deserve it. I certainly never did.

Downline, you were loved. You were cherished. You chose to throw all of that away, and much as it pains me, I will not beg you to change your mind. All I ask is you be honest with yourself with how you treated me. With how you treated us. Just come to terms with what you've done. Just understand why it caused the kind of pain that it did. And once you find that empathy in you, maybe, just maybe, you would come to see why I am hurting this much, and why I can't quite forgive you just yet.

We were supposed to be in this together. But you proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were just another one in the long line of people who never understood that. Just another used to be. You were no better. Heck, to be fair, you were no worse. You were just another one. Because you made it so.

.:Pare-Pareho Lang:.

Pare-Pareho Lang
ni Kel

Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Sa kalawakan ng sanlibutan, iyong makikita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga bituin, mga bulalakaw, noo'y sinamba at ginalang
Ngayon, 'di mabilang-bilang, 'di na rin magunita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Mga halimaw sa dilim, mga pusong halang
Manlaban ka man, ikaw pa rin ang maralita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang

Mga pangakong napako, mga sumpang sumemplang
Araw-araw na lang, walang ni isang salita
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang.

Pag-ibig, pagsinta, pagtingin na nasasayang
Naghihintay sa wala, umaasa sa magandang balita
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

Sana, sana, hindi ka rin balang araw iiwan
Sana, sana mapuwing ka at 'di mo mahalata
Kahit saan magawi ang iyong diwa, pare-pareho lang
Ang katotohanan: tinimbang ka, ngunit kulang.

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