Thursday, March 06, 2014

Project 52 2014 (9/52): Emotion

.:Project 52 2014 (9/52): Emotion:.

It's over and done, but the heartache lives on inside...

I don't know why, but the past week or so has been hell on me. There's been a lot of changes on all fronts, and all I could think of is that now is the time for me to rise above it all or forever wallow in the mediocre muck I've called my life the past thirty years.

I thought I made some progress. I thought that things were beginning to look up for me. Next thing I knew, every baby step I took forward was wiped out by several backward leaps.

And I don't know anymore. Can my heart handle continental drift like this? Losing you all over again in an entirely different way? Can I deal with the torment of knowing that what we had wasn't worth fighting for - yet again? When will that ever change, huh?

And here I thought I was inching my way towards better days.

And who's the one you're clinging to instead of me tonight?

It seems misery alone is infinitely preferable to the mundaneness of together. It seems that you simply thrive on drama. On deception. On everything only seeming better or worse than it really is. When you look at the cold, hard truth, you see nothing but a hurdle that needs to be overcome and promptly ignored afterwards.

How long did it take before you turned around and forgot about everything you professed about us? It's all gone and dead now, yet there was no reason for it to be that way. No reason at all.

And where are you now, now that I need you?

You'll always be there for me? You'll always care? You'll always be the best I ever had? Ha. Let's not kid ourselves any longer: whatever you felt, be it love, friendship, concern, or sympathy, that all faded away like half of everything I've ever done. And it kills me oh so royally because I'm the only one torn up inside here. I'm the only one picking up the pieces afterwards, because I am simply a non-factor, and what happens to me either way does not in any way mean a thing to you.

That disparity has always been glaring. It has always been frustrating. And ultimately, it has led me to being exhausted and burnt out on this notion for the longest time. It has left me cynical and jaded, and I don't like it one bit.

It's either frustration or the beginning of a new dance step.

So where do we go from here? I try my best to internalize what's next, but if all I could muster from you is indifference and a complete and utter disregard for everything that really ought to matter. I sometimes wonder if it's because you're emotionally stunted, or if it's because you simply don't find me worth the effort. Either way, I end up wondering why I'm still here, and what the point is in all of this we've put ourselves through.

Tears on my pillow, wherever you go...

I have no idea what you're doing now, nor do I have the foggiest notion what's running through your head right now. And maybe I've put my life on hold too much already, and for far too long, and it's time I focused on things that are far more important and far more beneficial to me, than to keep moping around here, wondering if you'd ever come around and realize what you're walking out on.

It isn't fair, but then, I really should not expect anything fair, should I?

I'll cry me a river, that leads to your ocean...

Except I can't really any longer. Like I said. I'm jaded and cynical, and I'm rather exhausted by all of this now.

You'll never see me fall apart...

I know you don't read this. And I know you wouldn't care, either way. That's fine, really. Let me fall apart like this, and pick myself right back up, and then keep on keeping on. With everything I have on my plate, it was a Herculean effort to have to find ways for you, but that wasn't exactly something that meant a damn to you, was it?

But that's fine. I'm not entitled to anything. All I can do is stay steadfast through it all.

In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotions taking me over

Pardon me for being so sappy. For being so melodramatic. This is really all that's been overwhelming me the past few weeks. The need to get it off my chest really just remains, and all I could think of is how much longer we have to go around in these circles.

Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song.

I kept on saying that I'm so sick of this song and dance and I'm so tired of hurting. Yet I keep on coming back to you every single time. Because for the longest time, you're all I've ever known, and you mean the world to me.

You're wonderful, even at your worst.

But if you don't come back, come home to me darling...

Maybe someday, you'll return to me, but for now? All I can do is keep on living, and as petty as it seems, a part of me hopes that you would regret letting me walk on by.

Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight...

But tonight? There's nothing colder than the emptiness I feel being alone.

Nobody left in this world to kiss good night...

And nobody's touch but yours would ever, ever do. But all I could say to you is...

Good night, good night...

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