Caught In A Bad Place...

.:Caught In A Bad Place...:.

Do you ever find yourself thinking about the worst possible person at the worst possible time?

I just did.

I'll spare you the details, but it was a mortifying experience, and I'm still experiencing the fallout to this very moment. But like some stupid clickbait post, the reason why I was thinking of said person at said moment might surprise you. Immensely.

There was once a point in my life when someone did a number on my self-esteem. Every single amount of hubris I had was turned into crow, and I ate it. Hard. It was fine, at first, because it grounded me. But then, it seemed like it became sport. I was being knocked down a few pegs with regularity and with motivation behind it. Needless to say, it wasn't fun, at the very least, and it started to eat away at me and how I saw myself.

I hardly ever spoke about it because the source of this was someone who meant a lot to me. I simply didn't want this person to be put in a bad light, and I figured that it was on me to regain the self-esteem I lost, since I shouldn't have allowed this person to take it from me in the first place. But it never quite came back. And there are days I still feel inadequate or lacking in some shape or form.

Fast forward to the present,

This person was weighing heavily on my mind, and the name came up at a most inopportune moment. And it's not an excuse for that kind of horrid timing, mind you. But it's just a confirmation that indeed, the self-esteem has never come back. Because quite sadly, that has been the only context for the longest time when my thoughts would dwell on this person.

And it sucks, because it gets in the way of the present. It sucks, because it affects everything in so many ways, and you can't help but feel doubly bad because you: 1. dwelled on the past, and 2. you let the present get adversely affected.

But what can you do? What can you do except to admit that you are having difficulties at present because of what happened, and now, it has caused damage in more ways than one? What can you do except to accept the plain and simple fact that you need to exert more effort than what you have to prove that you are worthy of where you are today?

I could apologize. I could grovel. I could break down into tears. But if I don't move forward, then what is it all for?