Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The End Is The Beginning Is The End: The Unsent Series, Volume 4, Part I

.:Let It Burn: The Unsent Series, Volume 4, Part I:.

I think by now, it makes sense to make new volumes in the Unsent Series at certain key points in my life, and looking at it, it's funny that things have worked out this way. Over the years, I've slowly done less and less of the third person bit, but the core of the Unsent Series has always remained the same: a message that I hope someone chances upon someday, and realizes it's meant for them.

From Divine to Brilliance to Torch to Audacity to everyone in between, it has been a crazy ride into writing these letters with no hope of receipt, much less reciprocation.

But I will continue to write these Unsent letters, a faint last word that would probably fall into the abyss, heard by few or by many, but most likely not by the one who really should hear the message.

Dear Flipjack,

I find it a bit disconcerting how much you seem to be in self-denial about what has happened.

I find it a bit disheartening to see that you still find the time to waste on me when you have someone else you claim to be preoccupied with now.

I find it extremely pathetic that your words really aren't worth the sound waves they were produced from.

You see, what has been getting to me for the longest time has always been the fact that the likes of you keep on saying things you don't really mean. A bunch of silly, pointless gibberish that you think would sway someone to your side unequivocally just because. You keep on talking about how unique all this, yet you go out of your way to duplicate every single element of this the next time out.

You were a waste of time, and quite frankly, not worth the kind words I spared the last time out. And yes, those were very kind words I spared you, and I find it hard to feel sorry if you just needed some more drama in your life to look for a reason to get all twisted over me until the next time someone bothers giving you the time of day.

In the end, you proved no better than Audacity when it comes to saying what you mean, and meaning what to say. If anything, you're far worse, so when it comes to you, please don't worry 'bout me, I'm fine. I didn't even get to play the fool one time, and wised up pretty early on.

Go on, girl. Quit grousing about me and making him feel that you got with him to get back at me, because if in case you haven't noticed, I don't give a crap who you're being all clingy with now, s'long as it ain't me. I ran out of sympathy for you the minute you decided to start something you are woefully incapable of finishing with me, and I don't effing mean a relationship.

It's funny I feel this way about Flipjack, because after all this time, Audacity still, unfortunately, makes me feel the very same way she always has.

Dear Audacity,

I'll put it very bluntly: I feel shortchanged. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. And yet, I can't say I was entitled to anything, either.

You see, I loved you despite everything you put me through, and despite everything that happened. No matter how small you made me feel, no matter how little regard you gave to my wishes, no matter how much disrespect you showered upon me and the things I did that everyone else who knew me were proud of, I loved you, and nobody could have ever questioned that.

So when all that came crashing down and you just turned your back on me, I was devastated. I was crushed like never before, and I don't know how I ever survived, yet here I am. All the pain, the hurt, even the anger, I just kept chalking it up to the fact that I loved you, and I had to keep looking the other way, while you went ahead and showed him everything you refused to show me. All the kindness. All the respect. All the regard. And you know what? All the love. The kind of love I never really got from you, yet I was too blind to not notice it at all.

And lo and behold, you promised me that you would stay with me for as long as I needed you. You and I were the best of friends, after all. So I banked on that promise. I believed you. And you outright told me that you'd rather forget about your word to me because your word to him matters more now.

When did your word to me even matter for shit, now that I think about it?!? I loved you at your worst, he has you at your best, and like a chewed up stick of gum, I am nothing more than a nuisance you want out of your carpet. I can be hostile, I can be benign, I can be furious, I can be calm. But what I cannot be is your friend. For nothing else than because I never really mattered to you, and you only ever loved the idea of what I could be, but it was never me. Never me at all.

So y'know what? I give up. I give up reaching out to you. I give up trying to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't want to live up to her word. I give up trying to think the best of you when clearly, you don't care anyway, and it makes no difference to you either way.

You've moved on. I'm still grieving. No longer because I lost My Beloved. But simply because I lost the best friend I ever had, and quite honestly, I don't know if I can ever find someone like that ever again.

As a friend, you were my once in a lifetime. It pains me to realize what we had didn't matter to you even just half as much as it did to me.

I don't want to wait in vain anymore.

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