Friday, August 30, 2013

2Hot 4 8List: 8 Mind-Blowingly Stupid Comments I Regularly See On List Sites

(2Hot 4 8List are lists that for various, often obvious reasons, need to be published on a personal capacity, rather than as something that de facto represents the website I love to write for. I hope you enjoy it, because whether or not they ended up on the site, I still worked pretty hard on them, minus the epic graphic design you've come to know and love from the 8List.)

.:Too Hot To 8List: 8 Mind-Blowingly Stupid Comments I Regularly See On List Sites:.

Yep, that's me. Always ahead of the curve with my memetic up-to-dateness.

Believe it or not, list writers do take time from our awesomely busy, jetsetting schedules of saving the world and repopulating it from time to time while writing lists to go and read the comments from time to time, and I’ve noticed some amazing insights, witty commentary, and even brilliant analysis of our articles.

This list is not about those types of comments.

What this list is about are those comments that you take one moment to read, and then suddenly, your faith in humanity dips just a little more. It’s the kinds of comments that make you channel Billy Madison’s principal, because the comments are among the most insanely idiotic things you’ve ever heard. At no point in their rambling, incoherent response were they even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. It’s at that point that you award the comment no points, and ask for God to have mercy on the commenter’s soul.

8. The Comment: “Hayyy. Another article that failed to entertain me.”

Damn, I should have tried harder.

The Stupid: I’m sure every single writer on any given website out there fears the person whose exquisite, discerning tastes are never quite met by any of the free content they get from the websites they keep going back to. Remember what people say about bad relationships and how you should get out of them as soon as you can? Please, by all means, get out of this one already, for we are truly doomed unto failure.

Reply With: “Oh, I’m sorry. Next time we write a free article for you to read for free on this free website, we will try our very best to meet your demanding standards, and not the standards of the 200,000 other people who actually enjoyed the list.

Or, you know. You could just go to some other website.”

7. The Comment: “You must be a paid hack for (insert their political/religious/ideological opponent here). You must be a gay to be such a liar.”

Also pictured: a graph of how much I care about "opinions" like those.

The Stupid: It’s so nice to see people with such limited perspective think that anyone who disagrees with them must be a paid hack and gay (as if that has anything to do with anything), and not someone who simply has a, *gasp* contrary opinion.

Reply With: “U mad, bro?”

6. The Comment: “Poorly researched article. So disappointing.”

Noble cause, bro.        

The Stupid: They don’t know that all that blue text with underlines in your articles meant hyperlinks. Hyperlinks that establish you didn’t pull your insights from out of thin air. 

You know why I say this? Because most of these commenters demand that you show your sources.

Reply With: “You don’t know what a hyperlink is. So disappointing.”

5. The Comment: “Actually, item #X is not true. Tsk, tsk. Such a lazy writer.” (Despite the fact that this very fact is mentioned in the text of item #X.)

                                                                                                            via xkcd
This cannot stand.
 The Stupid: Well, the parenthetical remark said it all. It’s pretty obvious they haven’t been reading the article and just jumped straight to the comments after seeing the headings. The barb at the end just drips with irony, too.

Reply With: “Hi. You didn’t actually read the article, did you? Tsk, tsk. Such a lazy reader.”


Their secret weapon, unveiled.

The Stupid: So. Many. Feels. Not only do commenters like these go postal in the comments section, more often than not, they don’t even make one lick of sense. The best/worst of these comments usually end up being walls of text with CAPS LOCK. These comments are just so inane, they’re not just tl;dr (Too Long; Did not Read) – they’re tl;ogpstpnmtmn (Too Long; Oh God Please Stop The Pain No More Take Me Now).

I seriously have to wonder how they would feel if someone just decided to read their comments aloud back to them. Would they realize how mind-numbingly moronic it is, or would the sound just echo in between that empty space in between their ears?


3. The Comment: “Oh, no! A paid article!”

                                                                  via Chaplle Show
Sorry, I forgot. Internet writers have no rights.
The Stupid: The “com” in “.com” doesn’t stand for “complimentary.” It should be pretty obvious that any given commercial website needs money to keep going, because as selfless as we are, we writers have to eat sometime, too! Like, maybe once a week? Pretty please? It’s this kind of entitlement complex that makes so many of us whine when we actually have to start treating our household help like human beings who are also our employees, and we actually need a law just to make it happen.

Of course, nobody’s stopping you from throwing a billion bucks on their lap to tell your favourite website to stop doing paid posts for the next year or two, unless you’re Janet Napoles. 

Reply With: “I know, right? How dare a commercial website try to, gasp, make money! We are now ashamed of ourselves, doing all this free content you enjoy so that we could pay our bills; instead of doing it all for your joyous love and approval, which we totally could feed our families with!”

2. The Comment: “Okay sana, kaso sana Tinagalog mo na lang para naintindihan ng lahat ng Pinoy!”

                                                    via fiercesdaily
Pinoy Pride! Yeah.

The Stupid:
 Are they really that dim to think that the Philippines is only about the Tagalogs? Try saying that to our hardcore Cebuano friends, some of whom barely understand Tagalog, and see where that gets them.

These people are the exact reason why we now have literary “classics” like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey translated into Filipino.

Reply With: “Naintindihan mo naman yung article, diba? O sadya ba talagang may hinahanap ka lang maiangal sa buhay mo ulit?”

1. The Comment: “Bakit walo lang ang nilista niyo?” (Specifically asked in the 8List.)

What could this arcane symbol possibly mean?!?

The Stupid: What part of 8List did they miss? 

Reply With: “Hayaan mo, next time, magtatayo kami ng para idagdag yung tatlong iyan – na nabanggit ko na nga pala sa text ng list. Nagbabasa ka ba?”

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