Friday, April 11, 2014

Project 52 2014 (14/52): I'll Remember

.:Project 52 2014 (14/52): I'll Remember:.

Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began...

Reality. It's such a loaded word, as we try to make heads and tails of what reality is, and what exists and what does not.

2014 as a year seems to be terrible so far. In the middle of all the things going on, so many people are no longer with us, and it just makes me go numb when I think about how we still have over eight more months to go, and it's been non-stop bad news, all the time, all the way.

So when I try to say goodbye to people I've known, to people I've cherished for one reason or another, it becomes very difficult to have to come to terms with the fact that I'm doing so within mere weeks, if not days, of each goodbye.

Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry, you taught me that...

And whether the tears come because of the pain one feels from the twist of separation, or tears of joy, those tears come even if you don't want them to. I know it sounds overly dramatic, but a part of me died when the Streat was conquered by Brock Lesnar on Wrestlemania last Sunday. The end of the Undertaker's dominant winning ways at Wrestlemania was a shocker and completely took the wind out of the sails of any Undertaker fan, which I consider myself to have been for almost two decades.

But that was overshadowed with the passing of the Ultimate Warrior. Not my favorite wrestler or even person, by any means, but when you look at him and how happy he was in the last few days of his life, it was clear that he was turning a corner and mending bridges that were burn over years and years of hatred and resentment. It seems that when people bury the hatchet with Hulk Hogan, as was the case with Randy Savage a few years back, people feel at peace already.

The Warrior was a phenomenal wrestler who achieved so much despite spending so little time at the top of the wrestling world. You can't take that away from him, and seeing how he was becoming an even better human being made it easier and easier to appreciate him as a performer.

But no more. He has left us too soon, like all the other wrestlers who came before him.

Inside, I was a child that could not mend a broken wing...

And no, 2014 hasn't been kinder to any other aspect of me, either, as I continue to take beating after beating in that regard. I don't think I could ever really catch a break, and 2014 has not really made me feel like it will look any better for me anytime soon.

So here I am, still walking wounded and coping with tragedy, and I realize that standing in the face of adversity is something we all have to learn and appreciate that while I have my own worries and cares, I'm still here to face them head-on. Day in and day out, it's all I could do, really.

Outside, I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing...

All the platitudes in the world may not make it easy on me to really come to terms with the things that have been happening so far this year, but as I keep trying to look on the brighter side of life, I can help myself see things in a better light. It isn't easy, really. Last week, I lost my last living grandparent, and it was something I never quite expected to come when it did. It shook me. It moved me. And ultimately, I still don't quite know what to make of it.

For now, I could only continue to go on and stay strong as I can so that I don't get swallowed up by the overwhelming feeling of despair that just washes over me every time I am left alone with only my thoughts.

And I'll remember, the strength that you gave me...

So whether in the shallowest of ways the Streak gave me cause for joy and anticipation, to the realization that life is so short as the Ultimate Warrior passed away at such an untimely moment, and all the way to the many lessons I have learned from my grandmother while she was still alive, the best I could do to honor them is to never forget them.

I find strength in adversity not because it's cool or exciting. I find strength in adversity because that is what the examples I choose to honor and remember have likewise chosen to do throughout their lives. It is that fervent desire to become better, to become worthwhile, that keeps me going even if everyone else tells me otherwise.

I can't forget them because they always reminded me of that.

Now that I'm standing on my own...

So now, I need to believe in myself more. To believe in myself the way I believed in them before. I need to learn that not everything that comes out there to challenge me is a mountain that has to be climbed, because there are some mountains that simply do not deserve any climbing whatsoever.

I remember you all, because you won't give me a chance to forget any of you.

I'll remember the way that you changed me...

I can safely say I have grown over the years thanks to the many influences in my life, and though some of these influences may no longer be with me, I will remain steadfast to the way they have helped shape me. They changed me in ways that helped me. They changed me so that I may become a better human being. And yes, if I end up losing even more people dear to me as 2014 goes by, their memories will continue to sustain me this way.

I remember...

Of course. How can I not? Thank you for the memories.

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