Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Date A Girl Who "Stuffs"

.:Date A Girl Who "Stuffs":.

Date a girl who "stuffs." Date a girl who finds new and creative ways of inserting an extra "h" in every single word she texts to you, who has no problems typing in sTiCkY cApS with such speed and precision, you wonder if she sold her soul to the devil to pull it off. Date a girl who insists that you look good in a rainbow-colored cap, and has one to put on your head the minute you heed her advice.

"'Beh, bagay naman sayo, ah!"

Find a girl who uses the word "stuffs" as a noun, because it's so bloody adorable. Gush at her as she asks you for your "inputs" on the kind of "equipments" she needs to buy that would go well with her "furnitures." Smile furtively as she thanks you for your "feedbacks," and as she praises you that you do not have a "close mind." She's the girl who will tell you that she has a "nosebleed" everytime you speak even just a smidgen of English, and will tell you "o sige, ikaw na ang matalino," if you so much as try to correct her grammar. Why you gotta be so smart and English good, boy? Intellectualism is for wimps.

She's the girl who insists you should try and Fliptop sometime, but wishes they sounded more like Salbakuta. If you take a look at her mug, it spells out her name: "Jhennahbhelle," as well as the names of every other member of her family inside little hearts. She might completely forget about you when she starts fangirling over her idols, who suspiciously all look pre-pubescent. And vaguely chinito.

Buy her a ticket to that Daniel Padilla back to back concert with Chicser.

And here you were, complaining about Anne Curtis.

Let her know what you think about her choice in music. Tell her the words verbatim: "neseye ne eng lehet," and watch her melt like pudding in front of your arms, unless you didn't say it nasally enough. See if she knows any good pickup lines, like "Hello, Kayla ba pangalan mo? Kasi Kaylangan kita sa buhay ko!" Understand that if she pretends to be good at it, she's just saying that to egg you on and make a fool of yourself. But do it anyway.

It's easy to date a girl who "stuffs." If you say anything remotely witty, she will exclaim "BOOM PANES" and point both index fingers at you, indicating that you are the man. Give her an MP3 mix for her birthday. Give her the gift of never taking yourself seriously, because doing that is the worst thing you could ever do around her. Understand that she knows the difference between proper English and whatever the hell she is trying to pass off as such, but by God, she will never, ever try to change that, because it's "kewl." It will never be your fault if she's just that atrocious.

And this is how her family picture looks like.

And she probably would give it a shot somehow, behind your back. And fail miserably.

Lie to her. If she understands you, she will realize that her quirks are grating on everyone's ears, and she will promptly hold it against you that this is the case. So you will both pretend this conversation about her will never have to happen.

Fail her. In English class, I mean, but don't be an arse to her just because she may not exactly be the sharpest tool in the shed.

She'll try to speak with a "slang," which is actually her ludicrous word for "accent," and it would even sound worse than if she just spoke in the vernacular. But by then, you'd realize that she actually does care, and you don't even know for sure anymore if the fact that she uses "stuffs" as a noun is such a big deal, after all.

Except it is. Because you're not an idiot, and you don't take kindly to anti-intellectualism.

But whatever you do, don't let her call Papa Jack and ask for love advice about you. The both of you will be worse for it, because Papa Jack is not a reliable source of advice, no matter how many people call him up in the middle of the night in a drunken haze. In fact, Papa Jack is not a reliable source of advice precisely because people call him up in the middle of the night in a drunken haze.

"Hi! How can I ruin your life tonight?"

If you find a girl who "stuffs," keep her close. If she gets far away enough, she might run into traffic or something. Remember: it's all fun and games, until the day she demands to know, "DOTA o ako?"

You will smile so hard and wonder why you even bothered listening to this advice from a grammar Nazi who clearly will brook no shenanigans upon the English language as egregious as "stuffs." You will look at her, give her a jacket, and both of you will move on because clearly, no matter how hot she is, it really wouldn't mean a damn if you can't have a conversation with actual, sensible words and coherent thoughts. Hotness is temporary, but stupidity lasts a lifetime.

So date a girl who "stuffs" only if you deserve it. Or if you're willing to put up with it. You deserve a girl who will challenge your stuck-up notions of proper language and sensible life-choices. You deserve a girl who will tell you how much better Daniel Padilla's cover of "Alapaap" is than the Eraserheads original. You deserve all of that, assuming you're a horrible person. If not, you're clearly not the target audience for this one. But if you want to suffer being surrounded by idiocy and an overwhelming stench of complacent mediocrity for all eternity, then by all means: date a girl who "stuffs."

Or better yet, date Kris Aquino.

1 comment:

Isel said...

I shed a tear upon reading "close mind". *claps