Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Project 52 (41/52): All Apologies - Nirvana

.:Project 52 (41/52): All Apologies - Nirvana:.

What else should I be? All apologies.

Because really, what else is there to say? The past few weeks have been an eye-opener for me, and I've seen myself in a place I never expected I would be again: a place where I was happy. It wasn't something I was used to, and in all honesty, it was something I didn't believe I was deserving of.

This should've been one of my unsent letters yet again, yet I can't really bring myself to do it at this point. And it wouldn't be the only thing I'm apologizing for on this day, either.

I think Clair put it succinctly: something in me is wired to not allow me to be happy. It is what it is. I can't help it, but at the same time, that isn't the only reason I am the way I am at this point, either. Burning bridges, attempting to mend fences, all these things are just part and parcel of my life, and I doubt things are going to change anytime soon, for better or ill as that may be.

That being said, I recognize I have a lot of work cut out for me, and this song encapsulates how I feel at this point. I *am* all apologies, and I have no idea where I'm headed from here. I believe in my heart I did the right thing, even if it wasn't necessarily the best thing, nor was it the thing that could possibly make me happy.

Doing what is right at the cost of your own happiness and well-being. If that isn't insanity, I don't know what is. Despite that, it is what it is.

As I keep reminding myself, if there's a will, there's a way. If there's none, there's an excuse. It's up to me to understand where I am and where I stand right now, and for all the confusion going on right now, one thing was clear: I did the right thing this once.

I just pray that counts for something at this point.

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