Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Project 52 (46/52): On Emotional Rollercoasters (And How Hard It Is To Get Off Them)

.:Project 52 (46/52): On Emotional Rollercoasters (And How Hard It Is To Get Off Them):.


Here's a secret that isn't really much of a secret about me...

You see, I'm a drama queen.

For the longest time, conflict seemed to bring excitement to my life. If I was arguing with someone, there was a rush that I couldn't explain and I craved that rush. Maybe it's a holdover from my debating days, but I realized at some point that I craved for that rush so much, I was willing to push myself into situations where I need to confront someone, and at no point did I consider that there could be no possibly good aftermath for me in indulging in that kind of behavior.

With that whole #AMALAYER thing on Twitter today, I realized that a lot of the time, I'm just a video camera away from making a fool of myself forever for the whole world to see, although I'm willing to be this blog is doing a fine job of that already, to begin with. Nonetheless, I realized that while there is a rush to be had when drama takes over my life, the consequences are never really worth it, especially when you discover that no matter how much you want to rectify a mistake you've made, the other person no longer wants to have anything to do with you, not just because you did them wrong, but because they feel that the drama has drained them so much, there's no reason to ever go back to that, again.

Self-improvement is, of course, a laudable thing. Unfortunately, no matter how self-aware I can get, I tend to slip sometimes, and all I'm left with is to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to bring back what once was, when I could have avoided the whole mess had I simply not tried rocking the boat and had I simply saved the drama for my mama.

Sometimes, even when I know for a fact that I wasn't being a drama queen about something, I realize that my past is haunting me to bite me in my posterior, because the other person feels so anxious about the drama starting all over again, they head me off at the pass. Or worse. I don't know, really, but one of the worst things you could ever feel is that sensation of being left hanging by someone, despite all your attempts at reaching out. The anxiety is murder.

So now, I'm left to wonder if it's too late to turn over a new leaf, and if it's not, if it's still possible to right what was once wrong, no matter who caused it. There are certain things, to my mind, that I would be much more at peace with if only I managed to resolve them one way or another.

Don't make my mistake. Don't let drama be a necessity in your life. Seriously.

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