Project 52 (52/52): On The Year That Was (And Why I Hope For The Best In 2013)

.:Project 52 (52/52): On The Year That Was (And Why I Hope For The Best In 2013):.
So there I was, celebrating New Year's in Hong Kong last week, and I quickly realized that I was gonna miss out on writing this post to cap off my 2012. That's fine, really. I don't mind.

I. Am. Racoon. Man!

It was great, being in Hong Kong. Managed to really think about a whole slew of different things, and I must say that Ocean Park was still better than Disneyland, in my book. This is despite the fact that I completely missed out on riding the Abyss, but whatever. I'm just glad I managed to get in some time with the Hair Raiser, and I now know why they used to have Disneyland cast members screening souvenir photos on Space/Splash Mountain for flashers.

I'd do a day-by-day account, but I must admit that my time in Hong Kong wasn't terribly exciting. Some Toys R Us here, some Disney there, some Ocean Park on the last day, and even an adventure in Shakey's Hong Kong, which wa nothing t all like Shakey's in Manila. The pizzas were both pricier, and ultimately, despite the presence of portobello mushrooms, inferior to our local fare. Morton's was awesome, and I even tried to search for Peking duck along Peking Road to no avail. Overall, mundane stuff, and most of my highlights involved figuring out various ways to get in touch with My Beloved throughout my stay. We even did the New Year's countdown together!

If anything, my Christmas party with the RH Bill Advocates the night before I left for Hong Kong was probably more eventful, since I won the "manliest RH advocate" contest that night, which Beloved was very quick to dismiss as not authoritative whatsoever.

Blasphemy! How can I be anything but manly?!?

It was great finally meeting the likes of @mrsunlawyer nd @tetalimcangco, but of course, m achie ill probably remember best the riot we had as @supsup010 ade it a highlight that the anti-RH person on Twitter called me a "baklang virgin na abortionista," an assertion which seemed a bit ludicrous because a gay virgin would probably be the last person to want or need an abortion.

I wish I had more pictures of that event, but unfortunately, I have to make do with what I have for now.

It's been a great year, really. Better than the last, in my opinion, from January all the way to December. If I could try to recall the highlights I had each month, it would go...

January: he CJ Corona trial, which I had very strong opinions on. I was mostly focused on work, as I had a very important quarter in Nuffnang that could make or break my career there.

February: went on a Binondo food tour with a couple of friends, and spent some time making new friends in CamSur, where I tried my hand at wakeboarding. This was also the month that Maan, a friend of mine from my Campus 99.5 days, tragically passed away. As usual, my February 14 sucked. This might have been when I started doing that Street Fighter thing during Fridays.

March: falling out with several people, including someone whom I didn't expect would figure in my life again sometime the same year, only to leave it abruptly all over again. It was also at this point that I started waxing poetic about Neko-Chan. I had high hopes then, I guess. I got to see Battalia Royale and the Hunger Games this month, so it was pretty fun in the entertainment department.

April: officially left Nuffnang, ending three years with the company with my head held up high, knowing I had wider horizons awaiting me. The whole Alakim episode kinda soured me on being a magician/mentalist for a while, so I really let my performances as one fade to the background as I did standup more for the Cartel and Mike Unson.

May: I found myself joining ID8, where I felt I thrived and still do, although there's still so much room to make even more of an impact. It was a good time for me, career-wise, although I did miss Nuffnang a bit, especially... well, I'll shut up now. And, oh, I spoke for iBlog on Comedy Blogging, marking one of my best talks ever. And yeah, did something stupid that was (but should not have been) work-related. That gaffe still haunts me to this day.

June: Cleo left 99.5 RT, and the beginning of the end was in sight for the station. I was doing a lot of stuff for work, which led me to meet Jinri Park, admittedly, one of the few celebrity crushes I have. I hosted ToyCon, so yes, that gave me an infamous opportunity to get a line in on one of my closest cosplayer friends, Telly. And yes, I went viral this month.

This never gets old.

July: Went viral again, thanks to #fap2012 and the KFC Cheese Top Burger, although the latter gained steam since June. Lulz were had. I really got into SPIT at this point, especially after their international festival. Working in Makati made it easy for me to attend shows in Quantum with regularity, so I even ended up being a rookie performer one time for them, and the improv bug officially bit me. Also, Dolphy passed away. Which sucked, totally. Also, moved to Makati during weekdays. Or was it June? I forget. Probably June, though.

August: Tito Sotto and plagiarism over the RH Bill, OPM is dead. We were rife with very amazing discussions all around, and I was getting very testy on social media. I think this was the first time I noticed how very selective I now am with blogging, which kinda explains the paltry 123 posts I had in 2012 as opposed to previous years, but the countless Tweets I made in exchange. That Anna Banana thing struck a chord with me, really. And I think this was when Gangnam Style started to gain steam everywhere. 8List was born, at least via Facebook page, so the craziness ensued.

September: Had a horrible falling out with another friend, and this is made worse how much she reminds me of someone else. Butch Maniego passed away. A cosplay trademark thing. I got "married" via booth to Telly. LOL. I assembled a TV stand! Wow! More importantly, I resolved to at least try and make my birthday this year better, and I did that by attempting to patch up rifts I've had. One particular rift was fixed, and it turned out for the better as we started communicating again, at least at the time. I thought we were making headway, and at least, the friendship seemed great, because I saw a certain level of maturity that I never encountered this often before.

The real highlight of September, though, was when in the middle of hosting BOA, suddenly, My Beloved got in touch with me. I was shocked and it really caught me off-guard. Two and a half years since my world was shattered, it turns out it's her turn to feel that way, and through it all, I realized that my feelings for her barely changed, except in terms of intensity. I was still crazy about her. I still am, and I still hope we could work through all the obstacles facing us. And yes, this meant I started hitting the gym, too.

October: I celebrated my tenth year as a blogger! It was pretty fun, although the celebration was kinda marred because of the end of the Disenchanted Kingdom. It was pretty sad when that happened, but at least, I managed to have a breakout article on the Cybercrime Law, which eventually got hit with a TRO by the Supreme Court. Unfortunately for me, the friendship I mended a month before blew up in my face all over again, and all I know is I wish we could have sit down and talked about it before anything rash had to happen. It was such a waste, because I honestly believe we had something good going for us. To be honest, I'm still miserable about it. I wish we could patch things up someday, but even our common friends don't think it's a good idea.

Also, this was when I first met My Beloved in years.

November: #AMALAYER happened, and I was so busy this month. I spent probably 40% of my time on work, 40% on My Beloved, and 20% on everything else. That was pretty much how my life has been since November, and let me tell you that for the most part, I have no complaints about that. November 1, something happened I didn't expect to ever happen. Something, obviously powerful and moving to me. LOL. Logan jumped aboard to WAVE 891 where I quickly followed him as a regular guest.

December: Hong Kong, Christmas parties, everything was a blur in December. All I know is that from November onwards, since My Beloved was in town, all I could think of was her. It's a bit crazy how short my account is when it comes to November and December, but all I can say is that I've been happy to have her back in my life, and the details are sparse because they're replete with hours upon hours of conversations and insights with her. When you connect with a person on that level, it kind of feels strange to share all of that with everyone else, as they'd probably be lost.

And that's 2012 to me in a nutshell. Pretty crazy, huh? Ultimately, here's hoping 2013 is even better, and may love finally find me once again.  

My fervent hope.

Project 52 (51/52): On This Year's Blogging Output (And Why I'm Not Content About My Content)

.:Project 52 (51/52): On This Year's Blogging Output (And Why I'm Not Content About My Content):.

When I started writing this post, I thought it was my last post for this year's Project 52, and then I slowly realized that I may have missed my count by one.

And I did.

Sure, my count was off during 2010's Project 365, but hey, with 365 posts to handle, that was perfectly excusable. This year, I was blogging just a tad over once a week, but I still found myself mindless and careless enough to label week 42 as week 43. This is why my count was off by one for the rest of that time.

That being said, I'm really not too pleased about my blogging this year, because I know that while the quality of my writing has held steady or possibly improved, the amount of writing I do is a crying shame. Sure, I try my best to make sure I have a decent post once a week, but beyond that, I didn't really have much to offer. And I can't say it's because of my emotional state, seeing as whether I'm happy or depressed, the frequency of my updates didn't really make much of a difference.

I guess it helps that my writing is everywhere else on the internet, from the POC to the Freethinkers to the 8List and a bunch of other unattributed stuff. Still, I do feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately, and on my tenth year of doing it, no less. No, don't worry. I don't think this will be a moment for me to call quits on blogging altogether, seeing as I don't wanna hurt all four of my loyal readers.

But still, I guess this year, with all the things I've gone through, I've gone to do a lot of thinking. It just sucks that very little of that ended up on the blog. Whether it be my thoughts on things and people I've encountered, or it be about the RH Bill, or comedy, or even my still non-existent lovelife, I've given snippets of my thoughts on them here and there, but I haven't really tried to commit myself to anything altogether. I haven't really just gone out there and really written in a way that made me feel I've exhausted all my sentiments on the matter at that point.

It always feels I have so much more to say.

Then again, that may not necessarily be a bad thing now, is it? For all I know, I could simply be looking at it from the wrong perspective: that having so much more to say means I'm not being as diligent with my blogging. Maybe I'm becoming a bit more selective in writing, rather than lazy. If the reason for the lower frequency is that and not laziness, maybe what I need to do is to refine the selection process itself. Not every thought that crosses my mind needs to be committed to the interwebs, after all, especially not thoughts that could be very fleeting and just brought about by the spur of the moment, only to be quickly regretted afterwards.

This has been a good year, and I don't even know if I can make the proper traditional year-end things I always have done before. This is weird, when you consider how viral a lot of the things I've done has gotten, from the BaYo thing to the Cybercrime Law article. I never wrote mainly for the money, so this blog not being one designed for profit isn't the reason, either. If it were, then I should be writing on a weekly basis for the POC, at least. But I'm not.

I guess there's just so much I want to say, but also so much I feel is best left unsaid. When I'm too hurt, when I'm too happy, when I'm too anything but contemplative, I feel very suspicious of the words coming out of my keyboard, and I cut myself off at that point.

Nowadays, I also hate writing nothing but a wall of text without a picture somewhere in the mix to at least catch people's eyes as I write.

Have I caught them yet?

So I guess we'll see where we go from here. I'm just really at a point where I have no idea why I'm meandering like this, but I can't say I'm so unhappy, really. It's been a good year, I'm grateful, and I'm still alive.

Project 52 (51/52): On The Filipino Political Mind (And Why I Insist It's Maturing.)

.:Project 52 (51/52): On The Filipino Political Mind (And Why I Insist It's Maturing.):.

So mature, you guys!

This is quite a momentous time to be a Filipino, and I don't mean it because of Nonito Donaire or Jessica Sanchez or Janine Tugonon. They're cool, and I'm pretty happy for them, but I'm much happier about this country when it comes to something that involves more of us than individual talents.

When I was younger, I saw things in black and white in politics. It was so easy to pick a side and ride it out 'til the end. Cory was the hero. Marcos was the villain. Erap was the villain. Gloria was the heroine. 

Then Gloria became the villain. And FPJ became the villain, too. It started becoming much clearer to me that things aren't really as set in stone as we insist they should be, and more glaringly, it became more obvious to me that the church I followed and agreed with time and time again politically were actually turning a blind eye towards Gloria's mistakes.

It was then that I realized that the narrative being spun is binary in nature so that it can easily capture the imaginations of people, at the risk of polarization. In politics, that seems to be a necessity, since you don't really have an option to half-vote for someone. You either vote for them or you don't. And for the longest time, we've learned to side with one politician and ride them out all the way no matter what.

But then, just this year alone, it seems that the narrative has shifted to shades of gray.

Not that many, though.

Just for example would be the whole Chief Justice Corona brouhaha. Yes, people either believed he was innocent or guilty. But both sides weren't spared from criticism, even by their allies. The overall bungling of the case from both prosecution and defense truly resulted in some memorable tidbits, as Miriam ended up really reading the riot act to both camps, making it clear that she was not particularly on anyone's side, regardless of how her vote turned out.

The discussions were nuanced. Sure, we had your typical sob stories and attempts at family reunions to elicit some drama, but in the end, when CJ Corona was impeached and removed from power, the reasoning was clear, and avoided the heavy-handed "Us vs. Them" spin despite multiple attempts to have it become so.

And then the RH Bill passed, and the Sin Tax Bill passed, too. So did another law about unenforced disappearances, and the FOI Act is also on the verge of passing, while the Cybercrime Law is not only on TRO, but is being counterproposed with another law meant to be more protective of netizens than punitive.

It's a good time, and a lot of it is brought about by genuine dialogue going on between people. When even the poorest of the poor and the lower ends of the middle class can actually have a genuine say and understand an issue and make up their minds, when people can think to side one way while fully cognizant of the imperfections of the side they chose, we slowly mature as a people when we learn to think less and less about absolutes.

Because only the Sith deal in absolutes, but believing that means you just did, too. Ergo...

As we grow and mature politically, we learn to make wiser choices in who we put into power, and we learn to question everything the government tells us while also not ignoring the times they do right by us. Today, I can safely say that President Aquino is on a roll. Maybe he's really lazy, but he's not too lazy to pick up his pen and sign these important bills into law. The preparedness for Pablo was there, albeit the weather simply had no plans of cooperating with all the precautions taken. Despite that, everyone came together to help, not out of some blind sense of patriotism, but simply because they know it's the right thing to do.

Maybe I'm looking at the current political scene with a lot more optimism than I should. True. Despite that, I can't help but think we're getting better, even if it isn't perfect. The trick to recognizing and appreciating this is that we should then stay vigilant to keep this positive change going for our own sake. We, the Filipino people, stand to benefit the most by staying vigilant, which is also why despite my misgivings with the anti-Epal movement, I'm much happier to see it in existence than not.

Surely, I'm not alone in feeling very optimistic about our political future, not because my immediate surroundings reflect this positivity, but simply because these changes for the positive are actually happening, and we are all in a position to actually do something about it.

And unlike how it was when we were kids, or even college students, where our very own teachers in school told us our secondary stereotype is how apathetic we were? This time, we are doing something about it. We totally are.

I put a lot of stock in the hope that this simply means that the generation after mine will be doing even more that way, because we are now having a genuine revolution of the mind.

Project 52 (50/52): On 12/12/12 Again (And Why It's Still Special)

.:Project 52 (50/52): On 12/12/12 Again (And Why It's Still Special):.

As the world turns...

I remember it like it was yesterday when I made a wedding proposal to no one. It was sweet or creepy, depending on your mood for the day, but it was the hopeless romantic in me, just aching to break out. It was quite a coup, and I even talked about it last Monday on the air with King DJ Logan and Dani on The Rowdy Empire, which is the title of Logan;'s new show on WAVE 891. Feels like a weird homecoming to me, but hey, I'm not complaining.

In any case, after abandoning the 12/12/12 plan and even sounding rather ambivalent about it when I started 2012, I never really thought that I would actually find love again anytime soon. It's not for a lack of trying, for that matter. I just realized that as time went by, I was more sure about what I was looking for, and I didn't find the need to keep running around anymore, trying to find it. I felt that when the time was right, it would come to me.

And come it did.

Who would've thought that what was lost would be found once again? Who would've thought that any of this was even possible? I sure didn't. I was resigning myself to my fate that this was the end of that chapter, and yet lo and behold, I was pleasantly wrong.

She's a bit of a paradox, in that she doesn't want to be named, yet she doesn't want what I have to say to be vague. So I guess here's the easiest solution to that...

I love her.

My Beloved came back into my life after three years and I couldn't be more thankful. And as such, on 12/12/12, I declare, for all to see, that I love her with all my heart. She has always been my once in a lifetime, and that will never change. I guess it's just perfect that she finally knows how much she means to me, and at exactly 12:12 AM of 12/12/12, no less.

I really can't do much else but thank her for being there by my side once again. And slowly but surely, I know that we will get there. No matter how difficult the road will be, I know we can make it. Because we have each other.

In the end, 12/12/12 is truly a special day for her and I. Despite that, aside from the number, this isn't a day that stands out among all others, because we've made each day special for us. Who can ask for more at this point, really?

Thank you, Beloved. I'm not going to screw this up. I love you so much.

Project 52 (49/52): On Honesty Being The Best Policy (And How It Should Be The Norm, Not Special)

.:Project 52 (49/52): On Honesty Being The Best Policy (And How It Should Be The Norm, Not Special):.

Allow me to do something that borders on self-aggrandizement. It's fine, really. It's a story worth telling.

Earlier this week, I bought a few things for my consoles: an XBox 360 Controller, a PS3 Controller, a PSN Card, and even the Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale game. It was pretty cool, really: I pretty much always buy my original stuff from Datablitz, as they've been nothing but awesome people.

I mean, what did you expect me to do, something unbelievably stupid like support, say, an unscrupulous, money-grubbing company that doesn't understand the concept of a free market and fair competition practices?

Picture unrelated.

Well, anyways. That being said, I made my purchase, and I was charged about 5,000 bucks or so for the whole mess. I paid up, then left, all the while with a nagging feeling that given my purchase, all of that for under 6,000 seemed a little, I don't know... cheap.

So when I got home, I checked my receipt, and noticed that Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, a 2,000-peso game, was nowhere to be found. Yep, Datablitz undercharged me a whole 2,000 bucks.

I won't pretend I'm a saint and tell you that I immediately went and did the right thing. Hades, I didn't even come back to Datablitz until the next day and not before asking some of my friends for second opinions whether or not I should go back to pay them or return the merchandise. I mean, they gave me a receipt, I paid them, Datablitz will profit from the money I "saved" since I will come back and buy more stuff from them anyways, and nobody gets hurt, right?

Well, wrong. I immediately realized that when they do an inventory check, whoever was in charge of the store at the time I made my purchase would end up paying for that 2,000 out of his or her own pocket, and knowing I was still gonna go back to that store many more times in the future, that idea didn't sit well with me, since they were bound to trace the whole mishap back to me, what with the receipts and all. And sure, I could play dumb and say I didn't know, but I'd be lying if I said that. I knew it, and it didn't sit well with me to just take the game and run.

So I went back the next day, explained the situation, and paid for the game. The lady who actually manned the store when I made the purchase thanked me, but no big deal was made about it.

As it should be, actually.

See, I shared this story not to tell you I'm the paragon of virtue. I honestly had a genuine struggle during the whole morning the following day, thinking maybe I shouldn't pay for the game anymore, as it's their fault for neglecting to get it right, anyways. But then, if I wanted to screw people out of their much-deserved funding, I think I would've just stuck to pirating games (I also have an XBOX 360 aside from a PS3, and you will notice I never mention buying games for that console...) instead of technically shoplifting from one of the few stores in this country who actually make it easy and feasible to buy original games.

And the thing is, the fact that no big deal was made about what I did was, for me, something I hoped for. I didn't want a parade in my honor. Maybe the store manager, had he or she been there, could have offered the game to me for free as a sign of good will, and I'd have been cool with that, but see, I'm not entitled to that. I think that people in general have gotten so used to dishonesty and general meanness that when people actually do the right thing for once, it becomes so praiseworthy that the act almost seems less worthwhile in and by itself as opposed to the acclaim and adulation that comes with doing what is right.

I've been Kantian for years, and the notion of doing the right thing as a means to an end never really jived well with me. I'd rather live in a world where people returning lost items or not taking what isn't rightfully theirs is the norm rather than something that makes the news on TV Patrol. And that's why I share this story with you: not because I believe that I deserve any praise, but I believe that this is a very normal thing that I did, and I hope you agree with me that it isn't a freak of nature to be doing the right thing.

Praise me for an achievement if I have accomplished one. I will accept it graciously and perhaps even with pride. But please, don't applaud me for doing the right thing, because that's exactly what I was supposed to do, in the first place. I share this story in the hopes that I find like-minded people who will actually tell me that what I did was nothing special, but something I should have done anyways, and believe me: knowing I'm not alone in that regard would be more than enough reward for me, because that, more than praise or affirmation, is definitely what I'm looking for.

It also doesn't hurt that I ended up getting this from Datablitz later on in the week:

Terrible haircut not included in purchase.

Due to credit card issues, it took a full two days before I managed to make the purchase. Can you imagine what they could have done to me if I bought that and they found out along the way that I screwed them out of a game? I don't think I have any desire to find out what employees can possibly do to you if they don't have your food to spit in the way waiters do when you deal with them again after being a douche to them.

I really didn't.

.:Project 52 (48/52): On The Unicorn Effect (And Why We Keep Running After Them):.

.:Project 52 (48/52): On The Unicorn Effect (And Why We Keep Running After Them):.

Shun! Shun the nonbeliever!

A few years ago, I wrote about The Unicorn Effect, and it has always stood out as one of those very brief, underdeveloped, but ridiculously true ideas I’ve formed through experience.  I’ve never really taken the time out to think about the topic more thoroughly, until today.

There’s always an appeal, after all, to “the one that got away,” to the point that we tend to be so hung up over the notion and we wish and pine away for that very person, even if we know very well how and why they got away. Hell, sometimes, they even deceived us and pulled the wool over our eyes, but because we loved the illusion so much, we just keep on going and holding on to the lies.

And yet, let’s face it: if the one that got away were to come back, would it really be the awesomesauce we built it up in our heads to be? Maybe, but most likely? Probably not.

The fact of the matter is, the Unicorn Effect has an addicting and very endearing effect for as long as the mystique of the Unicorn remains: for as long as we don’t have what we want from them, be it a relationship, sex, a green card, or whatever else. The Unicorn will always fascinate us until we either catch them, find a new Unicorn to run after, or recognize that there are more sensible goals to aspire for, really. And honestly, maybe, just maybe, the Unicorn really isn’t worth it.

But how does one know if they’re running after a Unicorn, or if they’re really going after something or someone worth pursuing and keeping? Well, I suppose that’s where it’s a good idea to come up with, say, eight simple signs (Oooohhh! Like an 8List?) that it’s the case. Maybe I’ll do that some other time, but I think the first and simplest sign that someone is a Unicorn is if you have no endgame plan with him or her in case your plan works and you win him or her over. If, after that, you have no idea what you’re supposed to do, then it’s pretty clear that the thrill is all in the chase for you, and maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be relying on that rush to be the foundation of a sensible, mature relationship.

Case in point...

At the end of it all, if the one you want is more than just a Unicorn, then you know what you truly want, and it’s not merely the hunt that gets you high. It’s no guarantee that the person is not a unicorn, but it’s a genuine start in the right direction. After all, the absence of an actual plan means that consciously or subconsciously, you simply don’t expect things to become reality for you, and that will definitely throw you in for a loop when you magically succeed where you did not expect to.
 So what then, should we do with the Unicorn? Why, what mythology always did hope of us to do: to leave it alone. It’s better off that way.

Project 52 (47/52): On Proportion And Sanctimony

.:Project 52 (47/52): On Proportion And Sanctimony:.

In the completely authoritative website Cracked, David Wong wrote a very insightful piece, giving 5 Reasons Why Humanity Desperately Wants Monsters To Be Real. Reason #4 on that list was a load of food for thought, and I must say, explains how the cyber lynch mob has become such a reality for us now.

I certainly don't think that cyberbullying is an exclusively Filipino pastime, but given how being confrontative is still not the norm in Philippine society, there's nothing like the passive-aggressiveness of an anonymous entity hiding behind a computer screen to really shatter our faith in humanity sometimes. Any chance we could go nuts and make ourselves feel better by making someone out to be a monster we're so totally better than, we take it upon ourselves to go the whole nine yards and really act every bit as deplorable as the "monster" we claim we're trying to slay.

To my mind, Blair Carabuena was proof positive that the Filipino cyber lynch mob doesn't know the meaning of the word "overkill." Of course, Christopher Lao would be another one, and I find that the only thing that made these unfortunate but everyday situations for the Lao's and the Salvona's of our world would be the fact that they had a camera to catch them while they're at it. Of course, Carabuena's actions went past just words when he hit the MMDA officer, and of course, Sotto plagiarized with impunity then gave the most passive-aggressive "apology" this side of Michael Richards.

It's nice to feel morally superior to people we hate. You do it. I do it. Very few of us don't, really. It's why the average sanctimonious Filipino never found a hate bandwagon they didn't want to jump on. On the 8List, I believe Rico Mossesgeld really hit it on the head when he got to #7 on this 8List.

Which brings us to the unfortunate #AMALAYER video that went viral, and allowed the Filipino nation to come together in hatred to lambast some woman who was probably having a bad day, making a national issue out of a private issue that could have been settled between her and the lady guard with little fuss or incident.

Of course she did something wrong. Of course she lost her temper. You have to be an idiot to ignore that. That, however, doesn't mean that her mistake gives you every right to treat her as subhuman, or to be as classy as this:

In this picture: Nuanced discussion and proportionate reactions.

Let's get one thing straight: she didn't hit anyone. She didn't plagiarize Robert Kennedy. Yeah, she raised her voice, but at what point does that give us the right to treat her even worse? If we pride ourselves in being so morally superior to her, where is that moral superiority when we wish for her to get run over by a train?

And seriously, guys, why is our rage against her almost on par as the rage Althea Altamirano is getting for freaking murder?!?

The words of a calm and rational person.

Disproportionate, much?

Feel free to condemn what #AMALAYER did, but for you to wish violence upon her the exact same way we wish violence upon Althea Altamirano? I mean, wow. Considering how the obvious sexism and rape culture-centric commentary going on in that Althea thread is disturbing enough being done to a murderer, why are we allowing people to heap the same level of abuse on someone who just raised her voice? And if the word going around that she got expelled from school is true, are you seriously saying that someone's life deserves to be ruined for... losing her temper? Seriously? Then how the Hades did Robert Jaworski get a Hall Of Fame nod if that's the case?!?

Social media has given us so much power. But with great power comes great responsibility. I bet it makes us feel so nice and warm that we're not such horrible people because we're better than an #AMALAYER or a Blair Carabuena, but the minute we cyberbully them? We lose that moral high ground we were proud of. 

Remember Boyet Fajardo? Remember how much we hated him because he was so haughty and sanctimonious? Well, we are now a nation of "creative outbursts." We've been that way for years.

Sadly, I doubt it's going to get any better as time goes by, because if there's one thing we've proven without a shadow of doubt, we crave the high we get when we think we have the right to be every bit as horrible as the so-called horrible people we despise as much. This "right" to sanctimony is our drug. And we just can't get enough.

Welp, onto the next lynch mob, then, people. All in a good day's work!

Project 52 (46/52): On Emotional Rollercoasters (And How Hard It Is To Get Off Them)

.:Project 52 (46/52): On Emotional Rollercoasters (And How Hard It Is To Get Off Them):.

Wheeeeeeeeeeyaaaagggghhh!!!

Here's a secret that isn't really much of a secret about me...

You see, I'm a drama queen.

For the longest time, conflict seemed to bring excitement to my life. If I was arguing with someone, there was a rush that I couldn't explain and I craved that rush. Maybe it's a holdover from my debating days, but I realized at some point that I craved for that rush so much, I was willing to push myself into situations where I need to confront someone, and at no point did I consider that there could be no possibly good aftermath for me in indulging in that kind of behavior.

With that whole #AMALAYER thing on Twitter today, I realized that a lot of the time, I'm just a video camera away from making a fool of myself forever for the whole world to see, although I'm willing to be this blog is doing a fine job of that already, to begin with. Nonetheless, I realized that while there is a rush to be had when drama takes over my life, the consequences are never really worth it, especially when you discover that no matter how much you want to rectify a mistake you've made, the other person no longer wants to have anything to do with you, not just because you did them wrong, but because they feel that the drama has drained them so much, there's no reason to ever go back to that, again.

Self-improvement is, of course, a laudable thing. Unfortunately, no matter how self-aware I can get, I tend to slip sometimes, and all I'm left with is to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to bring back what once was, when I could have avoided the whole mess had I simply not tried rocking the boat and had I simply saved the drama for my mama.

Sometimes, even when I know for a fact that I wasn't being a drama queen about something, I realize that my past is haunting me to bite me in my posterior, because the other person feels so anxious about the drama starting all over again, they head me off at the pass. Or worse. I don't know, really, but one of the worst things you could ever feel is that sensation of being left hanging by someone, despite all your attempts at reaching out. The anxiety is murder.

So now, I'm left to wonder if it's too late to turn over a new leaf, and if it's not, if it's still possible to right what was once wrong, no matter who caused it. There are certain things, to my mind, that I would be much more at peace with if only I managed to resolve them one way or another.

Don't make my mistake. Don't let drama be a necessity in your life. Seriously.

Project 52 (45/52): On The US Elections (And Why I Don't Care As Much As I Thought I Would)

.:Project 52 (45/52): On The US Elections (And Why I Don't Care As Much As I Thought I Would):.

Obama self. Don't wanna live. Obama self. Anymore...

I still feel mildly annoyed that I am disenfranchised yet again, and this time, I feel like I don't have any excuses this time.

That being said, it's why I really didn't care too much about the US Elections, even turning down an invite by the US Embassy to the election party, although let's be honest: I was kinda expecting Obama to win a second term, really.

Whoever is president of America invariably affects the Philippines one way or another, but I think I'd be pretty glib if I thought that the POTUS would affect the Philippines nearly as much as the next bunch of senators we are going to put in power next year. And all I could do at this point is make a push in the right direction, and I can't help but think about that a lot more than Obama or Romney at the moment.

So pardon me. This is a really short essay week, but I think it's pretty easy to see why: I really can't be bothered about this whole thing too much. I figure there were about a few moment where I wondered if Romney would actually pull the upset, but overall, I didn't really fret, nor would my opinion have really mattered, anyways, since I realize how marginal it all will be to me, and how the more I see the Philippine conservative society backlash violently against progressives, the more it shows how irrelevant what America is up to on that point, and that's really where my interest lies, anyways.

Maybe next week, I'd give more f***s about the topic, but sorry, this one? I'm not too concerned.

Project 52 (44/52): On Deja Vu (And How Disorienting It Feels)

.:Project 52 (44/52): On Deja Vu (And How Disorienting It Feels):.

It feels strange, really.

Meow.

There are things that I went through in the past, and now, I unexpectedly find myself going through them all over again. It's been a recent spate of things that I never really thought I would ever experience again. A touch of one's hand. A look in one's eye. A timbre in one's voice. It all seems so familiar, yet so foreign because I missed them all for so long.

Was it good? Was it bad? Truth be told, while it was a mix, I started off by remembering the bad, and when I finally knew I will survive, all I could remember was the good. I did nothing but recall all the good things and with each passing day, I missed it more and more. I longed for it more and more. And now, nothing but that which is so familiar yet so foreign is the only thing that could ever satiate me.

I thought I would never find this again. I thought it was never coming back. I thought that only the feeling would remain, but it would forever be hovering on empty.

I was wrong.

Meow.

Deja vu hits, and it all feels so good again. The highest of the highs. Even the lowest of the lows. The devil I know is back, and I'm loving every minute of it. No regrets. No fears. Only true fortitude in the face of uncertainty. It's really hard to explain how I feel, really. All I know is I relish the feeling

I'm happy. I'm confused. I'm elated. I'm anxious. But through it all, I can't quite shake the disorienting feeling that comes over me because it's overwhelming. My whole life is out of sorts because of something... familiar? How strange is that?!?

But that's exactly how it works. Deja vu strikes you with its familiarity then throws you off because it's also unexpected. It comes over you, and while it might be a glitch in the Matrix, it simply means that while it's the same, something is also essentially different. Considering all of that, isn't it a wonder how what is the same is so jarring?

Well, it is.

And it's awesome.

Meow. That's right!

Project 52 (43/52): On Second Chances (And Why They're So Hard To Give To Exes)

.:Project 52 (43/52): On Second Chances (And Why They're So Hard To Give To Exes):.

Appropriate, isn't it?

Eh ano nga kasi ang problema? 

Gusto mo ba talagang malaman? Ako! ako yung problema! Kasi nasasaktan ako kahit di naman ako dapat nasasaktan. Sana kaya ko nang tiisin yung sakit na nararamdaman ko, kasi ako ang humiling nito, diba? Ako yung may gusto. Sana kaya ko nang sabihin sa iyo na masaya ako para sa iyo, para sa inyo. Sana kaya ko. Sana - sana kaya ko, pero hindi eh. Sama-sama kong tao kasi ang totoo, umaasa pa rin akong sabihin mo. Sana ako pa rin. Ako na lang. Ako na lang ulit... 

Mahal ko si Trisha. 

Alam ko. 

She had me at my worst. You had me at my best. Pero binalewala mo lang lahat yun. 

Popoy, ganun ba talaga ang tingin mo? I just made a choice. 

And you chose to break my heart.

- Popoy and Basha, One More Chance.


"I just made a choice."

These words echo in my mind to this very moment because this is really how I feel about second chances. It's all about making a choice, and these choices have consequences. I guess it's really up to one whether or not they will make that choice to give something or someone a second chance, because let's face it: there's a reason why the first chance didn't work out in the past. And sometimes, when you let the worst elements of yourself bubble to the surface, you even indulge in petty vengeance, if only in your mind.

Pins! Pins! My kingdom for a handful of pins!

It's always a matter of choice. No matter how hard we try to ignore it, no matter how we may pretend that it's nothing, it's definitely a matter of choice. We choose whom we give our heart to, even if we can't really choose who to fall for. We choose when we leave and how long we stay. We make our bed and we lie in it. Ultimately, we may choose to break somebody's heart. And yes, we choose things that turn out to be wrong sometimes.

Alack and alas, we are thinking, learning people, and when we learn something once, very rarely do we ever want to walk into the same mistake a second time. Even if, all things considered, it could no longer be a mistake the second time around. Let's be blatant here and talk about love (yet again), if only to make the point clear: sometimes, the right love can indeed come at the wrong time. But what if finally, the right time does come along, and the love is still there?

Second chances entail risk any given time, but when it comes to love, the risk seems higher, even if the tradeoff is the familiarity just might actually be there. Sometimes, that familiarity, that he or she is the devil you know is actually a pretty nice feeling, and it can lead you back to the same places you've plumbed before, and you can't help but ask yourself, "well, why not?"

There are a million and one reasons why not, but in the end, it remains up to the both of you to answer the more important question: do these "why not's" even matter? Is he or she worth that second chance? If you answer a negative to the first and an affirmative to the second, then I guess you really should be working on it at this point.

I'm a firm believer in the saying "kung gusto, may paraan. Kung ayaw, puro dahilan." It's really the only way I could justify being where I am today, and still standing strong after all the adversity I've encountered in my life. It's all about the choices we make, and all about us acting on those choices decisively. Because I chose to live on and trudge along despite everything I've been through, I find myself in a position to fall back into what is familiar. I find myself in a position to meet once more the devil that I know.

And I couldn't be happier about it.

A second chance is familiarly unfamiliar territory: you go through the same roads, traverse the same paths, but it isn't quite the same. The moments of deja vu, the moments that harken back to what once was, they're all well and good, but when the differences come, they jar us to the core. When the familiarity comes, and along with it, the familiar wrongs, we are reminded why we left in the first place. On top of that, because you've been there before, the excitement isn't quite the same as it used to be. We go down the road again because we believe, in our heart, that it's worth another shot.

Maybe I really am being a hopeless romantic,  but I can only speak the truth. I made a choice, and that choice was to love with all my heart because anything less would be a travesty. And with that in mind, I guess it's why I feel that she's worth a second chance.

And that I'm worth a second chance.

It's no longer a question of circumstance. It's a question of choice.

Para hindi mo makitang nasasaktan ako.

Project 52 (41/52): On This Blog Turning 10 (And How Awesome That Totally Is)

.:Project 52 (41/52): On This Blog Turning 10 (And How Awesome That Totally Is):. 

Ten years ago, I opened a blog. I had no idea what a blog was except that it seemed like “an online diary,” and I remember very distinctly that an old friend, Maia Dumdum, was the one who got me into blogging in the first place. It was a strange and exciting time for me: I realized hardly anyone would probably be reading my blog, I knew it wasn’t my ticket to fame and fortune, but what I understood, deep down was that I was keeping a blog because I wanted to live forever. Through my words. My thoughts. Unless someone deleted the entirety of the interwebz, I knew that my blog would outlive me and hopefully paint a decent and kinda detailed picture of myself. I think.

Well, here I am, ten years hence, still alive and kicking. How does it feel?
 
Pretty damned amazing, if you ask me.

I must admit that I'm not surprised to find myself still blogging for ten years from when I started. Over the years, I've written insights and commentary on anything and everything. I've gone through so many noticeable changes in my blogging style, and for the most part, I've had great experiences with people who have read and enjoyed my blog.

If anything, the things I do today in my career were born out of this blog: working in digital, doing a ton of mentalism and even comedy shows that people have heard about through my online accounts, and a host of other things I may not have noticed. This blog has been a very significant part of my life, and I couldn't be happier about the fact that it has been so.

But where does this place me in the pantheon of bloggers? Have I really made a significant contribution to the blogosphere that merits recognition or even celebration?

I don't care, actually.

I've been blogging because I wanted to keep the memories alive, even if Alzheimer's struck me tomorrow and attempted to take them all away. I've been blogging because I felt I had something to say, and whether a single person or a million people read what I had to say, I'd have kept on writing, regardless. It isn't for me to say how important my blog has been, and if you asked me to be honest about it, I'd probably say I haven't really done much with my blog beyond putting my thoughts into words in a way that is uniquely me through and through - and for me, that's enough.

I'm not out here to gain fame and worldwide recognition even if I would certainly not say "no" to that if it came my way. I'm not out here to get rich as a blogger, or to even tell everyone that I was doing blogging even before it became way too mainstream. [/hipster]

I'm out here because I exist. Because in the endless cacophony and the Einerlei we find ourselves immersed in, standing out isn't what's important so much as standing up to be counted. I value every entry I write because they are inextricably a part of who I am and what I am becoming, and it's this very thing that makes blogging great insofar as people believe that blogs without "one great idea" aren't relly all that important: that they stand up to be counted makes them very important, indeed. Because they dare. Because I dare.

So I don't really know where I will go from here, except to keep on writing and writing because it is what I know to do. If I touch any lives as I go about doing it, then great. If all it leaves me to do is to say to the universe "I exist," then that, in and by itself, would have been enough, too.

After everything has been said and done, if a blog post is written in the middle of the internet and nobody ever reads it, unlike a tree that may or may not have made a sound if it fell down in the middle of the forest to be heard by nobody, the 1's and 0's making up this post remain and echo throughout the entire history of the internet.

This blog is not a celebration of the mundane: rather, it is a sublimation of the mundane, because when you think about it, your life is made up of 99% mundaneness, and 1% excitement. Could we ever truly say that only 1% of our life is ever of any worth? Certainly not.

Here's to ten years of MisterVader, and may more and more years come, as I continue to grow and evolve as a blogger, not for some great big idea that I stand behind, but simply because this blog has become every bit as human as I have always been, and I couldn't ask for more from this little, almost whimsical thing that I started last October 14, 2002.

Project 52 (40/52) 2012: On Being A Blogger For Ten Years (And Why The Cybercrime Law Sucks In Light Of It)

.:Project 52 (40/52) 2012: On Being A Blogger For Ten Years (And Why The Cybercrime Law Sucks In Light Of It):.

It's been nearly ten years for myself as a blogger, and I cannot help but feel nostalgic about it. True, I haven't really managed making a comprehensive retrospective for my blog so far, but it has been an amazing ten years, and I hope I will keep on going and blogging for as long as I have the mental faculties to do it.

Or at least, unless nobody ever decides to sue me for whatever I may have blogged here lest I end up in prison over it.

Considering how eager the PNP seems to be to use the Cybercrime Bill to strike down people who speak ill of policemen, we are really going into unchartered territory at this point.

Beware, because they dare.

Ten years of blogging, and today, we come face to face with this. Wow.

Last week, I was part of the Cyberfreedom Forum organized by Senator TG Guingona, and never have I found more to be awed and disappointed by than to discover that only Senator Guingona even bothered to read the Cybercrime bill enough to actually see why it was problematic. Just ask Chiz Escudero, he'd tell you. How could 23 other senators completely miss this or just willfully allow this? Double jeopardy, using the internet as an aggravating circumstance in and by itself, an abridgement of due process, and an archaic libel law upheld in the cyber arena? What were these people even thinking?!?

This isn't even considering so many other ridiculously misguided sections found in the bill that any lawyer worth their salt would be quick to point out to you. It is just a fustercluck of such epic proportions that I can't help but wonder how they could treat the internet with such contempt and such carelessness.

So here I am, celebrating ten years as a blogger. Yet here I am, also standing against these unmistakable transgressions against my rights as a netizen. What should be a moment of celebration for me is instead a moment of trepidation, because I know that while I may not ever get into legal trouble because of my blog, I could be, if it were their whim and fancy, and there's not a damned thing I could do about it if I let it slide now.

The Cybercrime Law is certainly a hot-button topic and I have already written about it on the POC.  Despite that, it bears repeating here on this blog: this is an attack on our freedom. It is the kind of freedom our heroes have died for that we may enjoy it, no matter how trivial or mundane our exercise of the freedom is. That's exactly the whole point of freedom, after all: you get to exercise it as you see fit, within reason. What this law attempts to do is to abridge that freedom in favor of caprice and arbitrariness. At no point are they required to go through due process, and it sickens me that nobody is watching these watchmen as they level veiled threats against us and attempt to villify the internet so as to pretend that their cause is just.

Well, I won't take it. No way, no how. 

I am Marcelle Fabie. I have been a blogger for ten years, writing with a real name to my words.

And I will not be silenced.

We will not be silenced.

Project 52 (39/52): On DIY (And Why CD-R King Will Someday Rule The World)

.:Project 52 (39/52): On DIY (And Why CD-R King Will Someday Rule The World):.

Let's get this out of the way right away, guys: I am not a DIY kind of guy. I'm rather inept when it comes to that stuff, and I really don't think it's something I'm particularly interested in doing on a regular basis.

That being said, when I bought a television for my place recently, I wanted to get a TV stand to go with it, and given my limited budget, I decided to go for a CD-R King TV Stand.

It went for a trifle 3,990 bucks. Most tables elsewhere start at 9,000.

So after unpacking the two boxes, I sat myself down and got to work. It was a veritable mess of instructions that I didn't really understand, if the very helpful dude at CD-R King didn't actually help me out. I know, I know. They're notorious for being very surly people, but on this particular day, they were extra nice!

Stage 1, done! A portent of things to come!

So I managed to assemble the base of the stand after a couple of tries. It was pretty easy once you figured out the internal logic of the parts: which needed washers, which needed to be screwed on, and all of that. It was pretty fun trying to figure out what goes where, and while going through it, I began to feel more and more confident as things started to... well, fall into place.

It was at that point that I managed to assemble the rack where the TV was going to end up on. Yeah, I know, this post is not as joke-filled as the usual stuff, but there has to be something funny about the fact that they didn't even stick a warranty sticker on my TV stand when I got it...

I know what you're thinking: just wait 'til it collapses, Kel!

Well, from there, I had to bring out the television already. It was a Sony Bravia, and it was pretty lightweight, so I had very little trouble mounting it.

The best part? It came with a metric effton of bubble wrap!

With very few pieces left, it didn't take much to know which went where anymore. This was actually the easiest part of setting up the TV stand, except for one little thing...

And no, I'm not referring to my room.

You see, the problem with the new Sony Bravia (The 32-inch LED one.) is that the geniuses at Sony decided that the HDMI and power slots of their brand new TV go very well right in the same columns as where the slots for wall rack mounting would go. That meant that mounting the TV would mean you outright blocked your HDMI outlet from access. Which I discovered the hard way, really, and it forced me to make some adjustments...

Yes, it's a Justin Bieber song. Don't judge me.

You'd notice that I moved the TV to the side just so I could plug the HDMI port in, but the first port, the one that you can use to connect to your phone? That's actually completely inaccessible because of where they decided to place it. Still, I managed to come out on top with this one, and considering that none of these inconveniences were even remotely CD-R King's fault, I have to admit, this was quite an experience.

Project 52 (38/52): On False Equivalence (And Why It Gets Tiring Sometimes)

.:Project 52 (38/52): On False Equivalence (And Why It Gets Tiring Sometimes):.

I really wanted to talk about either hosting Best Of Anime last weekend or the brand-spanking new Anti-Cybercrime Bill, but I couldn't bring myself to cover that stuff just now.

So let's do this one instead.

Shortpacked: right again, like always. Click image to enlarge.

I have noticed a pattern.

It seems to me that every single time a discussion about sexism comes up in any of the fandoms I’m a part of, there will always be people who are so quick to dismiss the issue with a simple “I don’t see it as a problem. Ergo, it’s not a problem.” It points back to the whole deal about dismissing issues just because they don’t matter to us that I wrote about a few weeks ago.

When the issue matters to you, though, it becomes incredibly frustrating. And to me, equality does matter. A lot. Having been indoctrinated by safe spaces like Scans Daily, I feel rather uneasy whenever I see instances of sexism because you know what? They aren’t few and far in between. They happen often enough to be cause for alarm. In fact, they happen so often, and their presence in most forms of media is so pervasive, that we are actually surprised when they’re not present.

One of the common defences against sexism in comics or video games is that while yes, we have women with impossibly sexy bodies and much-abused backbones due to all their swaying, men have it “just as bad” because they are all impossibly handsome and well-built muscled hulks, and frequently wear their underwear on the outside.

That’s a nice defense, until you realize that it’s false equivalence: yes, the two are idealized, but the question is: for whom and by whom?

When you see Psylocke posing in a mind-boggling way where her chest and her behind are facing you at the same time, this is a fantasy put into play by the male artist to attract the male reader.

Hey, it’s Psylocke in a physically impossible pose! Must be a Tuesday.

When you see Superman as the epitome of masculinity, his well-chiseled face and his Adonis-like physique striking a powerful pose on the cover of a comic, this is a fantasy put into play by the male artist to attract the male reader.

Superman gets so boring sometimes, even the caption is more of the same.

See, therein lies the rub: at no point in either case were the desires of a woman taken into consideration. Do women aspire to be able to show off their chest and their butt at the same time? Probably not, but even if they did, obviously, nobody consulted them about it.

On the other hand, being a man, when someone draws an idealized body of Superman or Batman, then that is a power fantasy and aspirational in nature. Even if some people might find Superman sexy, the intent isn’t to be sexy, but to evoke strength and power.

Not that there’s anything wrong about being sexy, mind you. It just becomes a problem when women in comics and video games statistically become all about being sexy. Why the lack of variety? Contrast that to the range of men who are sexy, men who are powerful, men who are average, and just about everything in between, while women are just all sexy? Are there exceptions? Yes. But they are so few and far in between that one cannot help but ask the awkward question why the representation and the variety is so ridiculously skewed.

So we’ve pretty much established that the kind of objectification and idealization women in comics and video games receive are still every bit as male-centric as the kind that men in comics and video games receive. Both are bad, but to say that the fact that men don’t complain about these things means women shouldn’t either is just being disingenuous. Of course they wouldn’t complain! It doesn’t harm them the way it harms women!

As a matter of fact, when there is true equivalence and men in comics or games are indeed sexualized the exact way women are, these very same men who claim they won’t complain actually do. Case in point:

Whoah! Call the waaangbulance!

Here. Have a closer look.

Obey.

Yep. That noticeable bulge isn’t really a power fantasy anymore, eh? Still, it’s definitely realistic. You wear something as tight as spandex, something’s gotta well, manifest itself, yet more often than not, as Spider-Man can show you, it doesn’t really work that way in comics.

The real reason why Peter and MJ aren’t married in the comics anymore…

So apparently, the men get every bit as outraged when they get “exploited.” They complain about how uncomfortable they feel with the artwork, and project all sorts of homophobic sentiments while they call the art out. Yet when it happens to women, they have the gall to say that “it’s nothing?” And they wonder why comic book and video game nerds get a bad rep.

Speaking of “realism,” that was the excuse people used to handwave the fact that Arkham City’s thugs called Catwoman a “bitch” so many times that it would ring in your ears. Funny how that “realism” isn’t necessary for crotch bulges, but suddenly, it’s integral when using gendered slurs. How utterly convenient. So in a world where people dress up as bats, cats, have freeze guns, can resurrect themselves by being dunked into a mystic pit filled with mysterious liquid, it’s important for hardened criminals to call Catwoman a “bitch”, but you can’t have Batman or Robin have any crotch bulges?

WOW.

The sad part is, only one of two things will happen after I bring this whole thing up again: either people will argue with me and try to shout me down, or it will all fall on deaf ears because “women should be happy they can already vote.”

Sometimes I wonder about this planet, really.

Project 52 (37/52): On Passive-Aggressiveness (And Why I'm Doing It A Lot Lately)

.:Project 52 (37/52): On Passive-Aggressiveness (And Why I'm Doing It A Lot Lately):.

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you...

Woo-hoo! Passive-aggressiveness! I think I've gotten better (Or worse, if you've been on the receiving end.) of this whole thing over the years, mostly because I've tired of confronting people who never learn.

I will freely admit it's not the healthiest thing ever, because with passive-aggressiveness, not only do you learn to sass in a way that seemingly casts a wide net which is in reality meant for only one target most of the time, it actually requires some measure of being able to keep a grudge, since you can't have it out the way you normally would if you were more confrontative.

But why the need for being snarky in plain view but not directly? I guess it's because while the issue is too much to just let go of, it's also not big enough to make a huge stink about it the way a confrontation would. And maybe that's not the way to go about it. It probably isn't the way to go about it. Unfortunately, sometimes, there's just no more room, no more will, no more motivation to even argue about it. The water has run dry, and all you could do is remember you're irked at someone, but maybe not even remember anymore why.

If I were a better human being, I wouldn't be doing this at all. I would forgive and forget and let all slights against me just slide and roll off my back. But I am not a better human being, especially not lately. So much has happened, so much has broken my faith that I no longer see any reason to just let it all happen to me and continue being someone people could walk all over. And yes, when I was more confrontative, ironically, people found it easier to walk all over me, because I definitely reserved confrontation as a last resort, but it takes a lot less to get me passive-aggressive over something or someone.

I'm especially approaching the point where except for a few exceptions, I simply do not find any reason to apologize to anyone when I know it wasn't even my fault to begin with. Not anymore. If it means sacrificing a "friendship" because I was too prideful to drop it, then it only goes to show I wasn't the only one, since the other party didn't extend that same courtesy, either.

More so when the other person's at fault, and it's not just a simple muck-up that was nobody's fault. Why should I be obliged to apologize back to someone who decided to lack empathy and sensitivity? Why should I be obliged to even accept a non-apology that is riddled with its own brand of passive-aggressiveness on someone's Twitter account afterwards?

I can be stupid and look the other way for some people, yes. Despite that, no, I'm not keen on doing that for just everybody. If it weren't for this one friend who constantly has shown me that she believes in the best of me, I doubt I would even be able to do this, to begin with.

Then again, maybe if I really cared for someone enough. Someone who filled every waking moment of mine with thoughts of her, and filled every moment in slumber with dreams of her.

Maybe that someone would be the one person who could make me lower my pride to a point I didn't even think possible for me. Someone Beloved to me, perhaps.

It's crazy, really, and again, it's not healthy. But let's face it: passive-aggressiveness is the only way I can cope with the daily insanity I have to put up with that gets in the way of me doing my job. I'm a professional, first and foremost, and when a person decides to be an immature and petulant douche towards you, you can only snark at them, but still give them the professional courtesy of not outing them for the immature and petulant douche they actually are, despite the fact that they outed you themselves already.

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you.

And screw you, it is. We don't have to stay friends, let's pretend to be enemies.

Project 52 (36/52): On Being Used (And Then Promptly Discarded Afterwards)

.:Project 52 (36/52): On Being Used (And Then Promptly Discarded Afterwards:.

We've all been through this, and I guess the past few weeks, I've been thinking about it a lot, as it kept happening to me.

For as long as I could remember, since I started with radio, I've had people crawl out of the woodwork and remember me just so I could announce something for them on the air, despite never having spoken two words to me prior to that. Then, as soon as I give them that much, they disappear again, never to be heard from once more.

I've had someone who once said she'd love me forever ask me to do her friends a favor. The very same friends who judged me and looked down on me.

I've seen someone run to me because she lost her smile, then run right back to the one who hurt her the minute she found her smile again.

I've been friends with someone who wouldn't give me the time of day, yet expected me to be at her beck and call every single time she needed help writing a letter of resignation or something.

You can't help but find out who your friends really are when you are going through the worst of times, and they're still right there, putting up with you. You realize very quickly who the fair-weathered friends are: the ones who don't give two s#!ts about you while you're going through Hades.

They're simply nowhere to be found after they get what they wanted from you.

I guess I just feel drained from all of this. It's also why I can't quite think straight as I try to write about this, yet in the end, here I am, dealing with the fact that I've allowed myself to be a doormat to people in general for so long that it makes me feel guilty when the thought of being used like this angers me, despite the fact that it well should.

And so, this week is spent in quiet contemplation.

Pictured: quiet contemplation.

Where do we go from here, really? Bridges have been burned, and tables have been turned, but I take no pleasure in seeing them turn to me and say "you were right, and you told me so."

All I wanted was them to come up to me, say "I'm sorry," and all would be well again. Apparently, that's too much to ask.

If you feel used and abused by your so-called friends, it's time to ask yourself if you're giving when you have nothing to give. While generosity is nice, if all you could fill yourself with afterwards are hurtful, self-destructive thoughts, maybe your generosity comes at too high a price at that point.

Where do we go from here, really?