Huwaaaat?!?

.:And The Sue-Happy Americans Take It one Step Further…:.

Link to the story here!!!

If you’re lazy, here’s the text of the article:

A Northeast Portland man is suing basketball superstar Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. Allen Heckard filed the suit himself, June 29th in Washington County Court. Heckard says he’s been mistaken as Michael Jordan nearly every day over the past 15 years and he’s tired of it.

“I'm constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me,” said Heckard.

Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He’s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world.

Heckard stands just over six feet tall. He is not six foot six like the real Michael Jordan. But Heckard says many people seem to miss that. He does share a bit of resemblance to the real Michael Jordan. Heckard has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good shape from working out, and yes, playing basketball.

“Even when I go to the gym I'm being accused of playing ball like him (Jordan), said Heckard."

Most people would consider that a high compliment.

"Yes...don’t get me wrong it’s definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game. But then again, that's Michael and I'm me. So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Dressed in blue Air Jordan tennis shoes, Heckard might seem to be actually trying to look like Jordan but Heckard doesn’t see it that way.

"They're very comfortable shoes to play ball in,” said Heckard. “I play a lot of basketball and any other shoes I try to play in tend to hurt the bottom of my feet."

“I got a right to buy Nike or Adidas or what ever, so I chose the Nike because its a good shoe for me to play ball in,” he said.

Heckard agreed that not everyone thinks he’s a famous basketball player, but insisted a lot of people do mistake him for Jordan.

"I figure if I'm out in public and around a lot of people at least three or four times out of a crowd ...and like I was at the Blues Festival and you could see people they was pointing at me," he said.

Some might wonder how he decided to sue Knight and Jordan for $416-million each. "Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and ah, then I turn around and ah I figure that's what it all boils down to."

The question remains – is the occasional confusion with an admired celebrity worth $800 million.

“Well,” said Heckard, “You never can put a value on a person's life. You know you're taking my lifestyle away from me. So you know...we'll let the ball bounce like Michael does...where it’s supposed to fall.”

Okay. Done reading that crock of crap?

Wow. Just wow.

So for looking like him, he can SUE Jordan because that took away his lifestyle? I mean, seriously now. Is anyone going to actually try to believe that’s enough grounds to sue someone?

And really now, what lifestyle? Do we ignore the fact that he still has a private life outside of the public eye? Do we ignore the fact that in other facets beyond basketball and the face, all similarities end? Does looking like Jordan keep him from getting a job or an education? I mean, so people think he looks like Jordan. Big freaking deal. That was never enough grounds for your lifestyle to get castrated now, was it?

Is it anyone’s fault they were born to look that way? Is it Nike’s fault that they would market the greatest player to ever hold a basketball? What about Jordan’s other endorsements? Gatorade? Hanes? What about them? Didn’t they “market” Jordan, too? So how come those guys aren’t being sued? Clearly, there’s an obvious slant, and that’s to make Nike and Jordan settle out of court and pay this son of a bitch to just drop the case and spare them a hassle.

I say let them take it to court, and let the judge and Hades, the jury, laugh in Heckard’s face as they throw the case out for the nonsensical piece of crap that it is.

For anyone to find any merit whatsoever in suing someone for being mistaken as him is nothing short of ridiculous.

Seriously, if by some act of God, Heckard wins his case, I’m suing the Greek deity Adonis for being worshipped all these years for having looks akin to mine. You mean to tell me just because he existed before Christ was born, that’s enough reason for him to get worshipped and for me, not to? That is unlawful!

That, or I could sue Peter North and have a court injunction from him making films lest people mistake me for “imitating” Peter’s technique, which I actually developed on my own.

(/sarcasm)