Sunday, August 09, 2009

Live It Up, Beat It Down

.:GMA + BEP + Le Cirque = FTW!:.

Apparently, what pushed the bill up for the infamous Le Cirque dinner wasn't the set menu that they had, but a special performance by the Black Eyed Peas which was labeled as a "special tribute", not to the current president, but to someone far more special.

This was a surprise number paid for by the party's host, Rep. Romualdez, and "not a single cent of taxpayer's money was used to fund this special performance."

According to very reliable hearsay, international pop stars the Black Eyed Peas were asked to perform one song number for the president that was certainly representative of our beloved president's demeanor upon receiving the tragic news of the passing of former president Corazon Aquino.

A picture of grace under pressure, the president was reportedly enjoying her eighth glass of wine (Or was it bottle? Our reliable hearsay was unable to clarify.) when Filipino-American Apl De Ap walked up to her, with bandmates in tow, and they spoke briefly before quickly launching into song, reminiscent of the last time a special production number was performed in honor of the president.

"We know how you're feeling right now, Madame President," said Apl. "As such, we'd like to offer a moment of silence for a great woman, Corazon Aquino."

In a show of class and taste, in the middle of the moment of silence, GMA raised her glass of wine for a toast for Cory Aquino. This was met by thunderous applause from the group dining.

"Okay, moment's over. Let's hit it!"

And with that, the first beats of the Black Eyed Peas hit song, "I Gotta Feeling" piped into the restaurant, thus embodying the very feelings of the president that night.

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get crunk

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just lose it all

I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Mazeltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off
Let's paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it
And live it up

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)

Tonight’s the night
let’s live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get crunk

Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mazeltov (l'chaim)
Look at her dancing (move it, move it)
Just take it off

Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Lets do it, let's do it, let's do it
Let’s live it up

Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock

Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top

Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don’t stop

Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
Friday, Saturday, Saturday and Sunday

We keep keep keep keep on going
We know what we say
Party everyday
P-p-p-party everyday

Got a feeling
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night...


Immediately afterwards, the president offered another toast, and everyone was more than happy about the very elaborate tribute by the Black Eyed Peas.

"We will always remember you, Tita Cory," a very teary-eyed public official said, after listening to the heartwarming lyrics of the song.

"I wish the millions of Filipinos in our country right now who are starving and have no job to speak of and no future to look forward to were here right now. Truly, this ostentatious outpouring of love and tribute was worth every cent," said another noticeably emotional public servant.

Upon arrival in the country, a visibly exhausted president rushed to the memorial services for Corazon Aquino, all the while belying the solemn nature of her personal tribute to one of her role models in the political world while she was half a world away, living it up, just like the Black Eyed Peas sang so convincingly.

She spent a total of seven minutes at the service, having hummed the song twice in her head before leaving, to pay respects to the former president, tapping her feet rhythmically.

.:It Is Official: Carlo J. Caparas, National Artist:.

Amid the uproar, Carlo J. Caparas has officially been named a "National Artist," but to compromise with protesters, his designation as "National Artist for visual arts and film" has been slightly modified to be more representative of his body of work.

Thus, a new category was created that was met with no opposition even by the harshest of Caparas's critics: Carlo J. Caparas is now the National Artist "for artistic temperament".

In an interview, Carlo J. Caparas, sporting his traditional garb of sunglassed and baseball cap, said, "Tama lang na parangalan akong national artist, at siguro naman wala nang magrereklamo. Hindi ba't pareho kami ng ugali ni Van Gogh saka ni Christian Bale?"

Caparas was obviously referring to the great painter, Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his own ear, thus proving that he was batshit insane; and Christian Bale, who, depending on his role due to his method acting, is also batshit insane.

As such, Carlo J. Caparas is in good company. After all, one need not be a true artist to have an artistic temperament.

"Finally, CJC's efforts over the decades is being recognized. Who could ever forget his immortal lines, 'suntukan na lang tayo'?" A very pleased supporter was reported as saying.

When asked to comment about the matter, fellow director Uwe Boll applauded Caparas's "courage in the face of cricism", citing his own efforts to prove his artistic merit in a boxing match against his critics, whom he resoundingly beat up convincingly. It is to be noted that one particular critic was declined participation in this said event, as he reportedly has a background in MMA.

Caparas, best known for writing (But not drawing!) memorable komiks such as "Joaquin Bordad" and "Totoy Bato", and a spate of terrible but commercially successful massacre films that launched Kris Aquino to superstardom (See? Even more reason to thank CJC!), is reported to be satisfied that the furor over his having bypassed Coching, Ravelo, and two Alcala's has died down when his National Artist proclamation was reassigned to be more representative of his body of work.

In keeping with his artistic demeanor, and in a show of class and composure, he suggested to his critics that they be grateful now that finally, people actually give a damn about who the National Artists are, and that his illustrious name has been added to their ranks, under pain of fisticuffs. Who cares about "campus writers" and "pretentious directors", right?

Carlo J. Caparas, congratulations for being our National Artist for artistic temperament! Truly, you are an excuse for douchebags all over this country to continue acting the way they do because hey, it's not "petulant whining and wrangling," it's "artistic temperament!" I also admire your immeasurable modesty in accepting this honor while you are not yet old, infirm, or dead, "unlike my other newfound colleagues," as you would put it, paraphrased.

I am especially thrilled by how you still identify yourself with the masses despite your mansions and your numerous automobiles. It's an amazing technique, talking out of both sides of your mouth. I know some people would call you out on that for hypocrisy, but I say, it's "artistic temperament!" See? Such a great honor to be bestowed upon you! Not only is it a fitting label, to be called a National Artist, it is now a convenient excuse for anything stupid you would say or do! If anyone still has any qualms, aba, suntukan na lang kayo. I am excited to witness the prospect of you having to defend your title of "National Artist" for the rest of your life as though you were some WWE Wrestler.

I've often heard of sore losers, but this is one of the few times I've heard of a sore winner. You are truly in a class all your own, and outstanding in your own field.

How I wish that was really all you ever did: that you'd be out standing in your own field. For good.

3 comments:

Laya said...

"She spent a total of seven minutes at the service, having hummed the song twice in her head before leaving, to pay respects to the former president, tapping her feet rhythmically."

LOL. Like singing "Happy Birthday" twice when washing your hands? XD

Satire FTW.

ark said...

Haha, I just learned from you that BEP performed during that now infamous dinner. Nilibre din kaya ang BEP sa pagkain at kasama sila sa bill?

Marcelle said...

@Ark: Hope you realize it's satire. :P