Thursday, September 29, 2011

Emanating From My Stream Of Consciousness

.:Emanating From My Stream Of Consciousness:.

Wrote this a couple of days ago, but decided to still post it, anyways.

Normally, I try being creative about my blog entries because while I’m mostly an autobiographical blogger, I’ve been consciously avoiding the lazy trap of making an online diary out of my blog, full stop. Given the medium, I liked having assorted pictures, bits and pieces of humor, and a host of other features to at least keep strangers interested in reading about the life of someone they don’t even know, much less give a damn about.

Unfortunately, today’s weather isn’t inspiring me to do something like that in any way, let alone the fact that I’m writing this while I’m offline, all the same.

It’s raining cats and dogs right outside, and it doesn’t seem like the weather’s gonna let up anytime soon. It’s almost the way it was two years ago, when the insane weather conditions of Ondoy just really struck this nation unawares.

Was pretty stoked last Friday that we actually tied Waado for first place in Geekfight. I totally killed the Magic: The Gathering round, even if I did happen to forget about Innistrad, which could have single-handedly decided our victory by then. Still, tying for first place isn’t exactly a bad thing, and we did really well there.

I’ve been up to a lot of stuff the past few days, really. I had two shows last Saturday night, including one that serves as my annual show, but due to the nature of it, had to be a little more… subdued than I normally would be when it came to talking about the event. It just seemed tacky to blast everything about it after the fact.

I’ve also been contemplating making a leap in my life: something I haven’t considered doing before, but seems to be the right thing for me to do at this point. I just hope that I’m doing the right thing, because I’m still very confused where all of this is going, to be honest. I think the lengthy discussion we had recently made me feel the desire to take a risk, but also made me recognize that it is quite a risk. Funny how that works. Well, maybe not funny, actually.

Yesterday, ended up watching “Horrible Bosses”. It was funny, but I didn’t see the need to review the film, so I think I’ll pass.

I think I burned some bridges recently, which, I suppose, is for the better. I really don’t need people in my life who antagonize me over F. Sionil Jose and his Ric Flair-y rants about Filipino shallowness, as if shallowness directly accounts for the quagmire this nation is in today. That the working class often find themselves taking to the streets at this point, fighting for their rights, should already be sign enough that people do have the willpower, and even the brain power to rise above pettiness, but clearly, the system that is so entrenched and ingrained in this nation goes far and beyond the depths or the shallowness of the people. Being deep or shallow is one thing. Being prosperous or impoverished is another, and they may very well be mutually exclusive, considering how America is relatively prosperous, yet capable of the kind of shallowness we accuse ourselves of.

I think the fact that there’s neither hide nor hair of the people in question at this point only goes to show me what I need to know. Apparently, a flippant statement about a person is enough grounds to have my trust in a longtime “friend” betrayed. Yeah, that’s beautiful. Remind me not to trust people like that ever again, because it’s just a monumental waste of time.

Considering that I’m turning a year older in a couple of days (today by now, actually...), I have to admit that I feel very ambivalent about everything going on in my life right now. I’m frustrated at so many facets of my life at this point, and the bright spots feel so temporary. I feel as if any good things happening in my life at present aren’t going to last, while the bad things are going to far overstay their welcome. It is what it is. I’m rambling in this post. It’s an incoherent hodgepodge of ideas from my stream of consciousness. Yet it’s the one thing keeping me sane at this point, ironically.

I think that the way my heart has taken a beating has affected my psyche so relentlessly that I can’t help but feel jaded now. I try being optimistic, I try ignoring the sinking feeling I have in my gut, but it’s omnipresent, and it refuses to leave me alone.

Celebrated the Disenchanted Kingdom’s 2nd anniversary by joining them on air. It was pretty awesome, even if we did drop some bombshells on each other that night. It’s all good, though.

So really. Wake me up when September ends. Deep down, a huge part of me still believes I don’t deserve to be happy, and that subconsciously ruins everything good in my life. It’s way past the time to blame anyone else but myself for this.

Then again, looking at all the people wishing me well, I can’t help but feel that the people who supposedly claimed to have cared are also the people conspicuously not saying a word to me today. So much for being “there for you as long as you need me.” It’s definitely been nothing but lip service so far, and I really should stop being surprised.

Every year, on my birthday, I wish for peace of mind.

Every year, I find myself denied of it.

Thanks, everyone, but I’d be lying if I said I was happy about how this all panned out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Only God can give us real peace. I remember your post before about Christmas becoming Santa-mas which is true and that made me change. Now I don't celebrate Christmas anymore.

Not many people know what "Pasko" means. It actually means PEACE. I wish you God leads you in finding peace with Him though His Son.

God bless and again, don't keep hatred.