Friday, October 10, 2003

It looks like I’m not going to be back at my aunt’s house for the next semester. I suppose I lose the cable TV, the phone and PC access that’s virtually mine, but I guess it’s better than having to put up with the return of her estranged philandering husband. The guy found a way to weasel his way back in her life, and it’s absobloodylutely annoying. My aunt never learns. Really. She never does. And now, they’re on the lookout for the smallest excuse to put me away. They’ve been pointing out the busted PC as my doing, and that’s ridiculous. Well, excuse me, but I’ve been using nothing but MS Word, you know. I’m not watching Meteor Garden episodes on VCD, so please, don’t put the bloody blame on me. You can’t imagine how furious I am to have seen Tero (I refuse to dignify the bastich with “Uncle” attached to his name.) back in the house, not because I own the place (Because I don’t.), but because of what the sumbix stands for. He’s been nothing but trouble, and leopards really don’t just change their spots. Nor do skunks like him just change their stripes.

The past few days have been the home stretch for me already, and it’s becoming remarkably clear to me why people always seem to sputter and grind to an unceremonious halt when they get so close to the end of the line. I’m beginning to feel the gears in my mind, my body, and my entire psyche just completely slow down. Why now? I’m so close to the end of the semester, and one last second wind is all I need to completely push me through this semester with flying colors… sigh, such a predicament, indeed, so it seems.

Right now, as you all can see, I haven’t so much as started on working on the Theology thesis statements, and I’d be mighty surprised if I actually manage to. Of course, I can always do it after the fact, but I find that to be a practice in futility, honestly speaking. Nonetheless, even the Philosophy thesis statements are far from over. I still have to finish the last three items, and it actually seems rather daunting to me already. To make matters worse, I’m still unsure if coming up with the perfect oral examinations with Dr. Barbazza will be good enough to take me to an A with his subject. The only consolation I have is that my second long test certainly netted me an A, since the total is a 3.9. You can even see that essay in my answer to major thesis statement number 5 in the Philo thesis statements. Look for the long piece on Hick… nonetheless, I hope it will really do well, but I’m not really sure, since I haven’t seen my final paper as well as my group report grade yet. Ah, well. I’m completely drained already, and I certainly wish I knew what to do. I’ve been doing a lot of calculating already, and all things considered, anything lower than a 3.85 this semester will make it impossible for me to hit a Cum Laude. What makes this annoying is that had I not screwed up my first year in the Ateneo, I wouldn’t have had such a hard time trying to make up for lost opportunities. A Latin award would just be so cool to have… yeah, call it geeky or nerdy, but that’s the way I see it.

My thesis is coming along slowly. I’m going to want to finish the first draft of the Powerpoint Presentation before Monday, sans the visual candy. I also intend to finish my film papers by Monday night, so that I wouldn’t have to worry one bit about my film classes for my finals week and focus all my energies into my Theology oral exams. To this moment, I’m still unsure whether or not I do have a shot at getting an A with Theology in lieu of my bad first long test. Nonetheless, I suppose I can really work on reviewing for the orals well, but then I suppose I have a few things to settle on Wednesday… then again, maybe not. I just have to drop off something, I suppose. Anyways, film class editing has turned out very well. My partner, Timmy, may be an annoying git to most people, but he’s a genuinely nice person. I have to say that it’s really good that I chose to work with him, considering how he really makes an effort to make the project good, and any misgiving I might have about his overt interest in military stuff and anime, he’s at least not as annoying as this guy with the initials of L.V.

History class is really scary because I might not end up getting the A I wanted because I really ruined the first question. Our teacher was asking about Roxas’ achievements, and I was spouting Osmena’s achievements instead. The Tydings-McDuffie Independence Act, it turned out, was actually signed during Osmena’s term. If I do get an A in this long test, and I do net a grade of A, but nonetheless, I can’t be too comfortable yet. I’m ceding a B+ to our thesis already, so that if I get a grade higher or lover, I mean, lower, I wouldn’t be that surprised. Considering our panel, I suppose it’s just right to not expect an A, but I’m sure Imo and I will really strive for it…

Elbert has been really funny lately, considering how he was pretending to be annoyed when he found out that we were wrong with the Roxas achievements. He left some really disturbing pictures in my head when he started to rib me for having Sacha’s voice as my prompt for my text messages. There’s a huge disparity between her daily pictures and her graduation pictures, but never mind. Seeing as how I can’t get a decent recording of Stonecold Stever Austin’s entrance music for my phone, and as I don’t have a copy of Kurt Angle’s and The Rock’s, I guess this will do for now. Ah, well.

If you’re going to start giving me crud for worrying about getting Cum Laude when there are other people who are just trying to pass, save the drama for your mama, jabroni. I don’t see myself asking you for help with my thesis, and I don’t see you asking me for help with yours, either. I know all too well how grade conscious I am. I’m probably nearly as grade conscious as certain people are passionate about the UAAP. Give me a break on the “Ang yabang mo naman at may pa-cumla-cum laude ka pang nalalaman” drivel, because I’m sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. Problems are relative. What may be earth-shattering for one may be trivial for another, and vice-versa. Newsflash: not getting a Cum Laude is a pretty ruddy big issue to me. At the same time, academically speaking, you can be pretty certain that I have stringent standards of myself that I really wanted to meet, but seem to be denied of at this point. All things considered, I need a 4.0 next semester if I get a 3.85 for this semester? Well, my work’s cut out for me, and I have no idea how I would snap myself out from depression in the event I don’t meet my own standards and that of my yardstick.

As a complete break from the continuity of this, if there’s one thing good that came out with my recent ruminations, you might say I realized that I’m a man of contingency. Anything that might come up, I have a contingency plan for. Call it cynical, and maybe you’re right. But it keeps my hopes on a person far more realistic. I give credit and confidence where they are due, but I hold my right to having reservations so that in the event they still do fall flat, I don’t crucify them for it, the way I usually get crucified for my mistakes, perceived or otherwise. It’s good to keep a contingency plan for everything. D.T.A. is just something that I have no choice but to hold onto, because it keeps me from falling into pitfall after pitfall, and it helps me quite a deal, really. At least, any person who would turn their back on me no longer has to worry about reparations. They are simply contingent now. And unless they really go out of their way to provoke me, they can simply remain that way. Et tu, jabroni? What about HER? Ah, forget it. Contingent. Everything’s contingent. Everyone’s contingent. You, me, blogger, my links bar, whatever. It’s all contingent, and we all know there’s only one exception, and that’s not you or me.

Moving back to the coherence of this whole thing, I know Abby’s heard me vituperate about my grades more times than anyone else, and she also knows she’s been my measure of academic success in college… call it what you want, but I guess that’s a curious setup that turned out from years of dealing with her. As most of my friends tell me anyway, she’s a pretty realistic but challenging yardstick, so if there has to be one, it may as well be her. Seeing as she has one foot in the door of Cum Laude, imagine how distraught I could very well be if I don’t make it. But I won’t begrudge her that. She earned it, anyway. Still, you, I hope, do understand how it is when you have a standard that you simply couldn’t meet… it’s that way with her. When I was talking to her last Wednesday, she did mention she told one of our teachers a ver abbreviated version of our story... likewise, it was really funny prior to that as Fr. Nick was around, and then I was talking about the Ad Congress, and how I couldn’t afford to miss a class…

Abby: Well, you can try to get excuse letters.

Marcelle: What? And then my prof will tell me, “I’m sorry. You should’ve taken my class in your junior year, then. ::snickers::”

Incidentally, that’s exactly what Fr. Nick did to me in my European film class when I asked him for consideration for the bonus because I had my immersion. I wonder if he noticed I was doing an impression of him…

Anyways, I’m glad Abby’s been nice enough to hear me out a lot lately. I hope things turn out well for her. Thanx a lot to Abby for being there for me. I guess I owe her one for all the help, and seeing as this semester is drawing to a close, a huge “thank you” is in order for the ja… person. Don’t ask about the unfinished previous sentence. Just don’t.

I spoke to Reinne while Timmy and I were doing our editing for film class. Anyways, I’m pretty glad we’re speaking well with each other now. Goes to show how much help Mr. Jimmy P. has been to me, what with the two huge issues he helped me clear up last year. Anyways, I hope he can be one of my panelists, but that’s just wishful thinking, really. Reinne and I were talking nicely, and I’m glad she’s been hearing me out a lot already. I’m happy that we’re getting closer again, and she sure helped me take my mind off my stress. I haven’t been able to hug her since first year, and it’s reminding me now that we’re now more or less as close as we were back in first year, sans the labels. I guess that explains why I’ve been putting less and less stock into giving labels to people hastily…

Sigh. I guess that the latter two people are helping me cope. I’m a grades freak, so help me. Abby at least does recognize that all things considered, I didn’t really fail meeting my yardstick. I suppose she sees it that way. Wait… I hope she sees it that way. Reinne obviously is plain amused at how grade-conscious I am. As long as I don’t try to bring other people down in my campaign to get good grades, I guess I’m all good, neh? I really don’t think I’d have to resort to that anytime soon.

So there we are, I suppose. I’ve been so drained the past few days, but I’m just glad things have been turning out more or less fine, sans the financial and academic aspects of my life. Radio 1 has been really good, and I really hope to make even more progress in the coming days…

Oh, it’s true! It’s true!

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