Sunday, August 27, 2006

Farewell, My Love...


This is goodbye...



.:Lyrically Speaking Scribbles, Part 2. The Unsent Series, Part XXIX: The End Of The Road:.

Dearest Pomelo,

I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend
by Nina

I don't want to see your face
I don't want to hear your name...


He Says: I do not love you as if you are salt-rose or topaz
He Says: Or the arrows of carnation the fire shoots off.
He Says: I love you as certain dark things are to be loved.
He Says: In secret between the shadow and the soul.

She Says: :(
She Says: w-ell... im a dark thing floating around? i don't get it nyway...
She Says: (btw, pluto is not a planet nymore... :()

He pours his heart out to you and professes his love for you. Not only do you reject his affection for you, you even miss the point by a mile. You sidetrack something you find to be petty, yet means the world to him.

Any sane human being can only take so much pain and misery before finally saying, “enough”.

Marcelle doesn't want to see your face or hear your name ever being mentioned to him again. After this one last cry, he leaves it all behind and begins to erase you from his life.


I don't want a thing
Just stay away baby...


He Says: So you know, Gyn, if you truly don't care about me anymore, or about my love for you...
He Says: ... you can simply get out of my life.
He Says: Completely.
He Says: Don't EVER talk to me again.
He Says: Don't EVER even step on my shadow again.
He Says: Don't read my blog, don't check my friendster profile, no nothing.
He Says: Just get out of my life completely.

Tama na ang limang buwan ng pagdurusa niya para sa wala. Tama na. Wala nang makapagsasabi sa kanyang nagkulang pa siya sa iyo.

Huwag mong maisip-isip na bukas makalawa, babalik lang siya at makikipag-usap sa iyo na parang walang nangyari. Kung ganyan ang iniisip mo, hindi mo talaga siya kilala.

Kung iniisip mo lang na balang araw, makakalimutan niya na lang ang lahat ng ito at makikipagkaibigan sa iyo, nagkakamali ka.


Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doing with your life...


She Says: eniwei... can't we just go back to my graduation day? and forget everything that has happened in between? we could be real good friends u know?

He Says: NO.

It doesn't register to you at all, does it? When he said it's over, it's over. Is it happning because he wants to hurt you? Is it happening because he despises you? Not at all. If anything, it's happening precisely because he loves you.

Marcelle is letting you go because he loves you. He doesn't want to put himself in a situation where he will let you go out of hatred and anger. He won't let the water run dry.

But does that register in your head at all? Obviously not. If it did, you'd actually appreciate what's going on instead of hanging the topic every ruddy chance you get.


Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch
Maybe...


She Says: so that's why we're not going to talk to each other after this right?
She Says: para hindi mo na ma-feel na pinaglalaruan kita... (eh di naman talaga)

And this proves Marcelle's point.

It was never friendship you were after. It was just the security that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you since you know he doesn't go out of his way to destroy his friends' lives. It was a way for you to offer him a pittance to placate your conscience because you know you are rejecting someone who truly loves you and to justify in your mind the fact that you are letting go of something real. Something deep down, you truly want for yourself. True love.

That's fine. Thats understandable. You're young. You have a lot to learn. So don't sweat it. He won't ruin your life. In fact, he sincerely prays karma would be kinder to you than it was to him. That when all of this comes back to you, it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it hurt him.

Don't patronize him. Don't offer him friendship as some miserable consolation prize that does nothing but demean what friendship is all about.


I'll get by just fine
And if you're going then darling
Goodbye, goodbye...


She Says: please, let's just be friends okay?

He Says: NO.
He Says: We will NEVER be friends.
He Says: If you won't take a chance with me, I won't be your friend.
He Says: All my friends have taken a chance with me in their own way.
He Says: Being your friend doesn't involve that at all.

Go on and leave. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. It's sad enough you keep on trying to insist on friendship when it serves nobody but yourself.

Does it make Marcelle feel better to be your friend? No.

Does it make him happy to be your friend? No.

Does it mean anything at all to be your friend after all this? No.

Face it, Gyn. Friendship is nothing but a security blanket for you. Marcelle understands now what kind of a person you are. From the moment you refused to downgrade your PSP because of the risk of destroying it (Which is actually 0%, sweetie. Greenhills guarantees they will replace your PSP if something goes wrong.), to how you refuse to defy a single thing your parents tell you no matter how strongly you feel about it, it makes all sense in the world.

Marcelle still accepts you for all of this. But at the end of the day, love is a two-way street. It can't just be about him giving his all to you all the time. Otherwise, it's an exercise in futility.


Don't call me in the middle of the night, no more
Don't expect me to be there...


She Says: hayy...
She Says: i like talking to u when i feel depressed. i dunno why.
She Says: :-p

It's finished, dear Pomelo. It's done. All he ever wanted was for you to take a chance with him and for you to come around, but now he understands that no grandiose gesture can ever make you take a chance with him. It's not what he does any longer. It's what you do, dearest Pomelo.

So in your lowest moments, don't expect him to be there for you. Maawa ka naman sa kanya. You asked to be let go. Don't think you can have your cake and eat it, too. He won't cause any trouble for you, but it should register to you that he won't ever be a cause for you to smile again, either.


Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Though you know that i care...


She Says: so you'd rather na wala lang tayo? not friends? but not lovers din? not enemies? no nothing

He Says: I said it from the start, diba?
He Says: YOU DON'T EXIST.
He Says: NOTHING.
He Says: As far as I'm concerned, you NEVER came into my life after today.

Let the gravity of the matter be lost on you, then. It's fine. Marcelle will not let himself be needlessly incensed by your apparent callousness.

It's precisely what he said it is, Pomelo. It's over. Is it just what he wants? Obviously you never listened to a word he said, then.

There was just one thing he wanted. One thing, Pomelo.

You.


I just want to forget
And i don't want to be your friend...


He Says: It's OVER.
He Says: Don't EVER read my blog.
He Says: Don't EVER talk to me.
He Says: No greetings.
He Says: No hi and hello.
He Says: No kumusta.
He Says: No nothing.
He Says: Not in one week.
He Says: Not in one month.
He Says: Not in one year.
He Says: Not in a million years.
He Says: Even if you run into me in heaven or hell, not even then.
He Says: You tell me you're tired?
He Says: You're not the one who had their heart broken.
He Says: You're not the one who spends each waking moment wondering where they went wrong.
He Says: Don't tell me YOU'RE tired.

Marcelle is tired, Pomelo. He's put up with all of this, looked like an idiot for so long, and he would've willingly kept this up for as long as he needed to if you even so much as made him feel that you just needed time to find it in yourself to take a chance with him.

But you didn't.

Not even you can possibly find yourself entitled to having someone waste the rest of his life over you. Not even if he still loves you with all of his heart. Not even if he could never love the way he has loved you ever again.


I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget i ever let, ever let you into this heart of
mine baby...


He Says: I will spend the rest of my life ignoring the fact that the most wonderful girl I had ever known has been a dream come true to me for ten glorious months.
He Says: No more.
He Says: The only legacy you will leave for me is pain.
He Says: And I will keep that pain to my dying day.

Not hugs, not kisses, not pictures. Just pain. It's all Marcelle can find himself capable of holding onto, because it's the only thing that was ever real about the relationship.

You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all i want is just to be free from you baby...


He Says: If you truly loved someone, you'd take a chance.
He Says: The fact that you don't clearly means you don't.
He Says: You played it safe with me.

She Says: not me
She Says: if i truly love someone, and i would take that chance... then i would've 2 boyfriends before you
She Says: but no. which means i really don't like taking risks

Someday, you'll come to realize that true love precisely involves risks. You never truly loved me, and that isn't really your fault. It's the way you were brought up.

Until the day you come to realize this fact, dear Pomelo, you will never find true happiness. You will forever saddle yourself with fairy tale thoughts that can never be fulfilled because in real life, it takes two to make a fairy tale come true. It can't be prince Charming doing all the work on his own, even if he offers to. The sheer will to take risks must emanate from you.

Maybe you won't find that courage to take risks with Marcelle, but he hopes that before it's too late, you do find someone worth taking that risk for.

It may hurt him so much if it isn't him, but after all has been said and done, it's your happiness that matters to him.

Until the day you learn how to take risks, there is no point to ever having you in his life any longer.


Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now...


She Says: sighs.
She Says: it's complicated really
She Says: and im more at ease this way...<./font>

It's all about taking the easy way out, isn't it?

Hopefully, you should learn someday that what is comfortable is not necessarily what is right, nor is it what will make you truly happy.


Don't call me in the middle of the night, no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Though you know that i care
This heart may never mend
And I don't want to be your friend...


You've taken things for granted for too long, Pomelo.

You've always assumed that Marcelle doesn't have the heart to get you out of his life, but if he didn't, his heart would continue to bleed until he has no heart to speak of any longer.

Now, it's time to put a stop to this cycle. It's time to say enough is enough, and to let you go out of love.


You take it to casually
But baby it's killing me...


She Says: look, im sorry

He Says: DON'T APOLOGIZE.
He Says: You refused to take a chance.

She Says: i don't want to talk about these today.

He Says: I understand now.

She Says: its friday... and im supposed to feel light and happy today...
She Says: okie?

He Says: NO.
He Says: I am NEVER talking to you after this.
He Says: So don't tell me what we shouldn't talk about just because it's a Friday.
He Says: Because more important than the fact that it's a Friday...
He Says: ... today is the day I am saying goodbye.
He Says: Then let that be your legacy to me, Gyn.
He Says: Pain.
He Says: Goodbye.
He Says: I will love you.
He Says: Always.


You have signed out of Yahoo Messenger.

Offline Messages:

She Says: im going down para bili rice. baon ako ngayon eh. :)
She Says: yup, and wag ka kain lagi sa labas. masama ata un eh. :-p nung wednesday hndi ako maka-uwi kasi nahihilo ko at nasusuka. 8:30 na nasa lrt station pa rin ako. :)) eh wala naman ako ginagawa o kinakain na kakaiba. sige po. ingats na lang.
She Says: goodluck sa trabaho! ;)
She Says: at ano mangyayari kapag block sa ym? di kita makikita sa list? or di mo marereceive msgs?

'Nuf said, isn't it? It boggles the mind how easy it is for you to turn your back on all this.

It boggles the mind. And crushes his heart.


Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night, no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
(no, baby)
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I won't get over you
But i don't want to be your friend

I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me, don't come around

I don't want to be your friend...


He Says: There will be an empty space in my heart waiting for you to take a chance with me, Gyn.
He Says: I will always love you.

She Says: okie fine... if i decide to take a chance with you someday and you're still single, il contact you...

He Says: Don't tell me that.
He Says: Huwag mo na ako paasahin.
He Says: Just live your life and know that whenever you are happy, my heart will be happy for you.

Farewell,
Marcelle


.:The Epilogue: The Unsent Series Part XXX:.

I Corinthians 13:4-8

4: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or conceited or proud;
5: Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs;
6: Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
7: Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

8: Love is eternal...


Dearest Pomelo,




Let not be the last words he tells you words of indignance, or a wounded heart wishing to find a way to go on in spite of the pain.

Let his last words to you be words of love.

I offer you these shoes as my last legacy to you as I say goodbye. I refuse to leave you a legacy of harsh words, of threats, of shortcomings, or impatience. That is not what love is all about.

I give you these shoes to remind you that in whatever wonderful place you find yourself in, my heart will be there with you.

Though you may never hear me say your name again.

Though you may never see my face again.

Though I will cease to exist in your life.

I give you these shoes to tell you that all I continue to want for you is your happiness, and nothing more.

Even at the cost of my happiness.

Just know that if you ever realize what I know is deep in your heart...

... that your happiness is with me...

... I will be here.

Please respect how I feel. Don't patronize me or tell me that I'll just get over all of this soon enough. Don't lump me with the other schoolboy crushes others have given to you and equate them to the kind of love I feel for you. Let me hold onto this much.

I feel no anger, no hatred as I let you go.

Only love.


I do not love you as if you are salt-rose or topaz,
Or the arrows of carnation the fire shoots off
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
In secret between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as a plant that never blooms,
But carries in itself the light of hidden flowers
Thanks to your love, a certain solid fragrance
Rises from the Earth and fills my body darkly

I love you without knowing how, or when, or where
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride
And so I love you, for I know no other way

That this: where I do not exist, nor you:
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So near that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep

-Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII


Let love be my legacy to you,
Marcelle

2 comments:

Jheck David said...

Awww... Reading this would really break someone's heart. I understand what you're going through. I know that you know that in time, you'll be healed. This, too, shall pass...

In the meantime, I'd like to share with you this song that I feel would sum up your whole entry...

***
Want You to Cry Too
Keno

I, I never asked you why
You never even cried
When you said you don't love me anymore

It, it seems to be unfair
It never seems so right
That up to now I've never seen you cry

Chorus:
I want you to cry too
I want you to see it from my side
That you took away my very hope, My happiness and pride

I want you to cry too,
Put yourself in my place
Instead of telling me
That this is the best way.

I stop wishing long ago
That you would just come back
'Cause you never even looked from my eyes

And I stopped dreaming with my heart
You took away that part
Without even a tearful goodbye

Repeat Chorus 2x

Jonas Diego said...

I understand it a bit better now, Marcelle. :)