Introspection...

.:Crossroads:.

This has been a very eventful weekend, and meeting up with new friends like Cat and talking to old friends like May, as well as dropping in on ToyCon for both days.

Things have been going pretty well, to say the least. It’s been nice to finally have some peace and quiet for myself. I’ve been re-evaluating where my life has been headed, and I’m finally letting bits and pieces of optimism back into my life.

It’s been over a year since my world was turned upside down, and I’ve realized from that time on that I can only really count on me, myself, and I. I’ve allowed everyone but myself to dictate my life, and I’ve allowed myself to be angry and hurt for long enough. I guess I have to make a stand now and just remind myself that I can only be as happy or as miserable as I allow myself to be.

Recently, a good friend of mine, Corinne, went back to the United States after spending a few weeks vacationing here in the country. We caught up with each other, and I guess she’s helped me see a few things that I’ve been ignoring for the longest time. I can’t really thank her enough for having kept me sane and for reminding me to look at what is truly essential, and, to take a page from “The Little Prince”, the fact that these essential things are “invisible to the eye.”

Standup comedy. Commentary. Magic. Mentalism. Hosting. Radio. The corporate world. All of these things have dominated my life for so long, mostly a genuine attempt to fill in the void that I felt in my life from the day things turned upside down. It’s funny, really: after being told for so long that it was all nothing to me, after having another’s self-realizations projected upon me, I’m not really the one who’s already “quickly moved on,” have I? I guess given that it’s no longer got anything to do with rebuilding the past, it’s got everything to do about the hatchet job my self-esteem has taken, and how I have no idea where to even begin.

I remember performing for Mike Unson’s show last June 12. I remember performing for Giselle Sanchez’s party the week before that. I remember the things I’ve been up to in the Disenchanted Kingdom. How many times I’ve played heart doctor for friends. How hard I try to fit in with my officemates during the outing because I really don’t want to be “that guy.” I remember having five or so shots of tequila without feeling the least bit tipsy, and just feeling more ticked off with myself each passing moment. I remember so many things going on, but I can’t remember what I’m doing this for anymore. I seem to have lost all reason and motivation to be the best that I can be.

I still believe that He has plans for me, no matter how I may tend to defocus on the fact that I still have faith in spite of everything that has happened. The many changes I’ve seen both directly in my life and around me have never ceased to remind me that no matter how bad things are, I still have to keep on going because I’m not living just for myself. Everyone has a role to play in this planet, and the role isn’t always self-serving.

Perhaps with all these personal tragedies going on, the message is to escape from myself, and to focus on the Other. To finally live what I’ve written, not “plagiarized”, about for two years. It’s easy to look at things from an academic standpoint. The detachment certainly has its advantages, but these issues are not merely political issues of the day, or soapbox moments. These are real issues people have to deal with.

The past week, I found myself investigating the phenomenon of political correctness and privilege in a far more critical manner than the flippant dismissal I used to toss it because of the way we have made a parody of what it really means to be decent human beings: to understand the differences between human beings, and to respect these differences. That in respecting the differences, we find it easier to achieve through equality despite the disparities that exist.

Many people know this about me already: I have very strong beliefs when it comes to gender issues, whether feminism or gay rights or anything else. As I read more and more about the issue of privilege and the tone argument, the more infuriating it became to me to realize how many valid gripes have been swept under the rug because of these “tricks,” and I’m one of the people perpetuating it.

Whether it’s racism or sexism or homophobia, there’s still so much to be done. I don’t really know how all these realizations and this desire to be an ally in the truest sense of the word erupted from a moment where I felt so incredibly alone, and where I felt like everyone except me was in on the joke that we call my life.

If my life is really headed for the dogs, I guess the least I can do is devote what’s left of it to alleviating the quality of the lives of those whom I can influence. There’s still so much to do, and I can’t let the depression and the despair and the year-long suspension ;) override my worth not intrinsically, but my worth to the pursuit of an egalitarian society.

So I guess I have my work cut out for me. There’s still so much to be done, and I’ve decided that I will not allow this negative energy become little more than merely draining. I want this negative energy to become a positive force for change even if only in my own way.

Let today mark a personal drive and commitment to look at things in a far more critical way.