25 August, 2003, Monday:

A particularly draining day, considering that this was hot on the heels of a so-called weekend I really didn’t get to enjoy much. Not much, really. I was simply doing the old deal with my classes, although I feel I pretty much screwed up my last quiz in Theology. I actually had a conversation with someone I had strained relations with recently, and while things are far from back to normal, the process has at least begun. I was able to keep myself from getting angry enough to really do something everyone else will regret (How monumental…), but I guess I still have a rather hurtful way with words that I really have to watch carefully. Things have been all so hurly-burly lately, and I realized, after being treated to my similar brand of sarcasm, that it certainly was anything but enjoyable. I was nearly an emotional wreck by the end of it, but then, I suppose that this much is clear: I’ve always been the one going out of my way to work things out. If people still feel that the things we once had are worth going back to, it’s time I let them make the effort. At least, I will know without a doubt that their desire to fix it is genuine and not just something my actions inadvertently coerced.

I suppose I decided to take a break at this point because my mind was just completely on the fritz at the time. I simply had no idea what to do with myself. I had this heavy feeling on my chest, I could hardly to talk to anyone whom I trusted enough (And didn’t feel problematic about bothering...), and I simply felt my world was imploding upon me. Emotions like these certainly do this jabroni no good at all.

Nevertheless, things moved on fine. OB has been hustling and bustling quite a deal lately, and I’m glad people have been rather active. The discussions have been enjoyable, and my penchant for comedy seems to have picked up a bit… more talk on wrestling, so I noticed. Beyond that, I guess it’s all fine. Of course, I do believe I left something there that wasn’t very desirable to see, considering the fact that people by now know what the chemical symbol of rust happens to be… at this point, though, I feel that it’s getting to be uncalled for, so that’s the end of THAT story.

26 August, 2003, Tuesday:

What else happened? More classes, that’s what. I’ve been so bogged down with stuff I had to do for school, especially with Philosophy, Theology, and my thesis. If I can just have three straight free days WITHOUT ANY DISTURBANCES OR DISTRACTIONS, I’m pretty sure I can finish the former two right off the bat, and make significant progress on the latter. Film class was interesting. I still scrounged up a 94 in spite of my being caught off-guard by some of the questions about Kramer vs. Kramer. Nonetheless, editing sounds like a perfectly fine topic in film, and I’m sure I can find all the examples he’s been asking me about.

Lately, though, things are looking good on the RAW Deal front. In spite of that, I think it’s high time I asked Rob to give me back all the cards he’s been borrowing from me. It’s not just the fact that he hasn’t really won anytime as of late. It’s actually more because of the fact that I haven’t taken proper inventory of the cards he’s been borrowing me to the point that I don’t want to get into sticky ownership issues with him when the time comes, AND he hasn’t paid me the money he owes me to this day. That’s a total of 600 bucks, which would’ve helped me in my quest to complete Team Angle, my next deck concept. I really want to make their deck, as it looks to be a very promising deck, what with their ability to control their opponent’s handsize while trying to take them down. They’re Backlash fodder, though, but that’s a small price to pay…

Dropped by Grace’s house, and it won’t be long before she’d ask me to just beat her bastich excuse for a brother to a bloody pulp. Irritating candy-@$$ refuses to let Grace use the unlimited internet account and his charger JUST BECAUSE GRACE REPRIMANDED HIM FOR NOT ANSWERING WAITING CALLS. I would’ve cussed this jabroni to the ground, but he and Grace share the same mother, so… never mind. Nonetheless, Grace was really nice, and I’m glad I managed to placate her after she heard that freaky scream from a certain website… she also likes my new avatar.

27 August, 2003, Wednesday:

This is the most ill-attended Wednesday meeting I’ve ever run into since my first time. We only had Maia, Dani, Cy, and two people who just really passed by : Charlie and Voltee. Everyone’s been busy, and while not much happened, I took it as my chance to practice my KOF. I’ve been having quite a good deal of success with my Choi Bounge, so it seems. Excellent and annoying little character, isn’t he? Billy Kane, Iori Yagami, Takuma Sakazaki, and Athena Asimaya were other staples that rotated around other characters who were a bit more on the experimental side for me, such as Vanessa and Orochi Shermie.

Got home earlier than usual, then finally managed to talk with Tsumenki. I guess I’m glad that we’re really beginning to work things out, after we finally settled on a truce, whose details I am not at a liberty to spill here. Talking to her on a normal basis has been such a boon to me, as I suddenly felt like a huge thorn in my chest has been plucked right out. I’d like to think that for all of our faults to each other, we still view the other as a great friend. I really hope so…

Some kid wants my Smackdown Tag belts for a bunch of rares. That’s out of the question, I say. He better include a foil or two… I’m at a complete disadvantage otherwise, even if he managed (And he can’t) to offer me three DTTAH’s…

Anyways, this has been a much better day. I actually trained in the morning for Chico and Delle in the Morning Rush. I gaffed a couple of times, as I forgot to turn the “Auto-On” switch to “Auto-Off”, which resulted in my accidentally playing commercials in the middle of a song. My Hot 10 answer to the topic: “How to tell your parents you’re gay” was ajudged as plain disturbing…

“Tay, ‘diba, sabi niyo dati na pag nalaman niyong bading ako, itatakwil niyo ako? Tapos, ‘diba sabi niyo rin na sa hitsura ko, kung nagkataong hindi niyo ako anak at babae ako, liligawan ninyo ako? Tay… puwede na.”

Er… I did warn you that it WAS disturbing. Stop ripping your eyes out, jabroni.

My gaffs even carried on to Theology class… as I was reading the second creation story in Filipino…

“At ang ikalawang ilog sa hardin… at ang ikatlong itlog na dumadaloy mula sa kanluran…”

The whole class couldn’t let me forget it.

But even beyond that, I had a lot of comedy moments in that class, and I managed to ask a question that wowed the class (Though of course, it was quickly answered by our teacher.)…

“Kung mahal ng Diyos ang lahat ng nilikha Niya, bakit ang mga Israelita lang ang Kanyang pinagpala ng lubusan?”

The answer? The Jews believed God’s message transcended time and space, anyway, so it was bound to be a blessing meant to be bestowed on everyone else in due time… ah, well.

Catch you next time, jabronis.

Some new plugs for new links: Dani and Harle.

Mel, I owe you big time. I feel significantly better now, though the sentimentality of the whole thing still cannot be ignored…

I finally got to watch LXG last Sunday… SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:
I found Nemo!

Sean Connery stars in this rather ambitious “period” film that attempts to put together some great literary figures (I assume they all are…) in Dorian Gray, Alan Quartermain, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Mina Harker, Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, and the Invisible Man. United to bring down a powerful evil attempting to catalyze a world war, this league of extraordinary gentlemen (Misnomer here.) have their hands full in trying to dig into this mystery amidst all the mistrust between the individuals. As a side note, Quartermain looked like Joseph from Jojo’s Venture, but moving on…

The special effects were competent, and nobody can fault them for it, really. While it certainly doesn’t seem as though they were at Matrix: Reloaded level, they managed to do some nifty tricks that simply made the movie breathtaking to watch. Of course, the choppy editing during action scenes took away a lot of the impact, as this was meant to be an action fix film for me… Captain Nemo was pretty entertaining to watch, and his classic line: “I walk a different path” simply blew me away. He really had some good moves in him, and he was probably my favorite member there.

Dorian Gray, the immortal, turned out to be the traitor in the group, contrary to the suspicions that it was the Invisible Man. Mina Harker, a vampire (Who, in the film AND book of Dracula by Bram Stoker, wasn’t one.), took him down in a rather interesting fight to the finish. Apparently, to take down Gray, he needed to see his own picture which ages in his stead in order for his spell of immortality to be broken. Having watched wrestling all these years, this was a swerve that I was really expecting. The suspicion on the poor Invisible Man was way too obviously contrived, so I really knew there was someone else worth taking note of, and Dorian Gray was the logical choice. Mina was a curious character, and I loved how she showed up the sexist adventurer in Alan Quartermain.

Mr. Hyde was no Hulk, but he had his charm. He also had a special power: a super-fast wardrobe change. There was at least one instance wherein Mr. Hyde would appear, completely ripping Dr. Jekyll’s clothes into shreds, then the potion wears off, and the next scene, which is assumed to be IMMEDIATELY AFTER Hyde’s last scene, depicts Dr. Jekyll as FULLY AND ELEGANTLY CLOTHED. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Tom Sawyer was… eye candy. He hardly did anything memorable for the whole group, and he even got Quartermain killed. Stupid dolt should’ve been left out of the group, where he could’ve been useful in trying to attract pre-pubescent teenage girls while he was in London.

The villain wasn’t very imaginative, but the plot he devised to gain access to the League’s secrets was spectacular. I liked how well the story weaved itself into the swerve, though I expected the swerve. James Moriarty, while he was a welcome surprise as the main villain, was not given enough of a background to make any significance in the film, and there wasn’t one mention of Sherlock Holmes, his dreaded nemesis. James, who called himself “M” at the start of the film, gave me the impression he was that guy in James Bond who gave Bond weapons for each mission. Seems possible that the connection was intended, considering Sean Connery WAS the original (And arguably still the best.) James Bond.

The fights were ingenious, beyond a doubt. Connery’s bored demeanor may have worked for other films, but I feel he could’ve done better in this one. He was one of the few good performances in this film, though I feel this was obviously not his best effort. Of course, it wasn’t his worst either. *cough*TheAvengers*cough*. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the pacing of the film, and how well they tried to tell their story. It wasn’t exactly a standout film, but with all the negative flack this movie got, with the mindset that it will really blow set into your head, you can’t help but actually love the film given that it doesn’t live up to its anti-hype.

Overall, LXG was worth watching, and certainly satiated my action fix. It had its problems with choppy editing, lemon actors in between stellar ones, and overall lack of appropriate backgrounders on the rich worlds these characters came from. While they all had their respective books for us to check, this is a far more daunting task than knowing the story of ONE character, as was the case in Spider-Man, or Daredevil, or an already collective team like the X-Men. LXG failed to fill in the gaps for the uneducated to know what all of this is about, and this worked to the disadvantage of the impact of the conflict with a villain who, if given enough background, should actually strike fear in the viewer and not blank stares for lack of comprehension.

Marcelle’s Evaluation: B/B+

When the only thoughts running through your head are thoughts certainly not meant for public consumption, then you realize...

It's time to take a break from blogging on a daily basis.

Marcelle, you're too drained already. Give yourself a rest from trying to prove to everyone your worth and all that cockamamie crud. You've given people your confidence in the hopes that they will not prove to be anything beyond conniving traitors, but alack and alas, Marcelle, you are put to shame once again.

Marcelle, people believe you're making mountains out of molehills. Is that true? I know for a fact that you're a reactional person by nature, Marcelle: not an instigator of ill will. I'm sure whatever your statements may have been were said in reaction to a previous transgression. Fact of the matter is, had things really been perfectly fine, you wouldn't even have spoken up at all...

And now your world has shrunk once again... how many friends do you intend to lose this time, Marcelle? These people seem to break your trust all the time, and seem to regard you with very little esteem... just perfect.

So how was your trip at Radio 1? Oh, right. You were fine, but being the noob you still were, nobody seemed to really like you... that's so you. I'm sure you would've given your arm and leg to be where people welcomed you better, but that's not going to happen. You're a classic example of a living, breathing, walking failure waiting to happen.

So for now, punk, just shut up. It's for your own good, Marcelle.

In other (OOC) news:

- I was reading this nice book I had, completely oblivious to the world around me as I was walking along. All of a sudden, someone pulls my bag from behind me, and when I turn around, it was actually Mr. Bulaong (Who probably used my links to get to Charles…), who told me that I actually ignored Sacha when she passed me by. That’s a first… heh.

- My thesis with Imo is progressing really slow… hopefully, by next week, we’ll be making a lot more progress already. We haven’t even gotten hold of a single campaign yet, and this is getting troublesome now.

- I tried to train with Chico for Radio 1 last Tuesday, but he wasn’t the one manning the board. To make matters worse, with Brad Turvey in the mix, there really isn’t room for me to train and all. I suppose this Saturday will have to do. All those on-air antics were really fun, and I got to meet Ate Lea again after the longest time. She was really nice… unfortunately for me, the tickets I have for the anniversary party tonight might go to waste. Most of the people I invited couldn’t avail of it…

- I passed by Don Bosco Mandaluyong last Tuesday. It was fun, really. Meeting up with my old teachers sure made me feel a bit rejuvenated.

- Yesterday’s Wednesday meeting was fairly slow. I was more occupied with playing in the arcades because my head was really spinning with all the emotional dead weight. Maia was a bit down, but I think the mini-sing-along portion we had with Dani managed to ease her stress a bit. Hope was there, and she apparently no longer remembers who the Hades I am… but nonetheless, I had fun today. I just wish I knew how to make the happiness last, because lately, it never seems to. There wasn’t really much else to talk about, as I’m glad Maia’s been working things out with the people she has conflicts with. She’s not yet completely done with that, but she’s getting there…

- Abby and Bro won’t be going to the RX anniversary party, either. Bobby Bonifacio’s short musical film, “Kapag Tumibok Ang Puso”, will be showing tomorrow. I hope I can watch it, as I’ll be in the Makati area anyway… the subtitled lyrics will prolly be a riot.

- This Saturday, Monster Radio RX 93.1, 8-10 in the evening. Given the circumstances, I will be most likely on air around that time... some shameless self-promotion here, jabronis!

Time to go back into character…

”No man is our friend who believes in our good intentions only when they are proved. No man is our friend who will not be very slow to accept evidence against them. Such confidence, between one man and another, is in fact almost universally praised as a moral beauty, not blamed as a logical error. And the suspicious man is blamed for a meanness of character, not admired for the excellence of his logic.”

- C.S. Lewis, On Obstinacy In Belief

So some people decided to speak to Marcelle in hopes of working things out. Whoop-de-freaking-do. One finally spoke out to Marcelle, and explained exactly what had that person’s britches all up in a bunch. Apparently, it all started from a bad joke taken way too seriously… and while Marcelle could be all apologies and all about it, in the end, the decision still lies with that person, and seeing how the ball will truly be in that person’s court from this point on, there is no need for Marcelle to let this matter weigh his conscience down at all. There is no question about it, jabronis: while this issue is still not fully resolved, at the very least, Marcelle has done his part already…

At the same time, it just occurred to Marcelle that the one thing he truly despises more than an ingrate…

… Is a spiteful ingrate.

If a certain person resents the things Marcelle has to say, then why even take his advice, eh? Why even bother listening to what he has to say, then actually do it? It would’ve been fine for one to completely ignore what he has to say, but no… some people actually have to take his advice while completely resenting him for it. At the same time, he is despised, he is regarded as the lowest of the low, as though Marcelle’s entire personality revolved purely around his diabolical facets. How ironic is it to be regarded as little more than a wretch by people whom you consider to be your most stalwart comrades? It’s a betrayal that runs deep… a betrayal that is lost in pride, of a complete desire to prove who’s right and who’s wrong without having to make amends and rebuild bridges.

It’s been an exhausting deal, and Marcelle hates it when other people have to be just as pained in this equation. He wishes he can do things otherwise, but for now, he has no other recourse than to be virtually unheard from. It’s the only way for people to begin to realize if they really find that not having Marcelle around is really a better deal than otherwise. Marcelle wishes not to burn bridges with people he cares about, but it seems that he has to do something close to that, lest they burn bridges with him for being such an annoying little prat.

Marcelle’s been vituperating and whining here for the longest time, and people are beginning to ask why he doesn’t just lash out and end the issue his way. Well, isn’t the answer fairly obvious, jabronis? Marcelle still cares. He’s hanging from a cliff by one hand, and yet some people, instead of taking consolation in this fact, would rather content themselves with prying Marcelle’s fingers from the ledge one by one. Just what he deserves, eh? To be hurt and degraded for speaking his mind. To be hurt and degraded for showing that he cares, regardless of how brutally blunt he might be about what he perceives.

Yeah, well, so Marcelle deserves this crud he’s being put through right now?

Marcelle’s been paying his dues for ages. For anyone to so much as insinuate that Marcelle has been dishonest, for anyone to so much as question his integrity as a friend, is a slap in the face and an affront to his dignity. He has done nothing but try and try to bloody care, and he does care. But does that really matter to some people? Oh, of course not! All that’s important is that they manage to fulfill their quota of making Marcelle look like a complete piece of codswallop, and it seems that they’re doing their wonderful jobs quite well. Amazing. Marcelle, the so-called nice guy, is looking like a complete villain in front of so many people. Perfect work of those who seek to make confusion and good P.R. the order of their day. But no, let them be, Marcelle. They seem to take joy in this, irregardless of how unfair everything has been.

Now these people can recognize all they want how wrong they may have been, but their pride… will never really allow them to go out and really fix this. Marcelle, some would allege, is being just as proud as these people are. Au contraire, jabroni. Marcelle has no pride issues to deal with. He is being hurt here, and hurt bad, and groveling on the floor for perhaps another chance or so much as a reconsideration is not merely beneath him: IT WON’T SOLVE ANYTHING, EITHER.

If people want to ask what they did wrong, maybe they should also ask what they didn’t do. Maybe they should stop pitying themselves for being hit by a barrage of seemingly harsh words and then realize why they were listening in the first place. Maybe if they look beyond the words and see the concern, the fear, and the genuine affection of a friend, they’d realize why things couldn’t have been said differently. They want to spite Marcelle for the things he does (Yes, all of you concerned.)? Go on ahead. Recognize what they are doing, though, as obvious displays of a dissenting, aggressive stance against Marcelle. If they wonder any further why Marcelle will suddenly not back down from challenges they fail to recognize as their own, then here it is, categorically speaking.

Marcelle has had it trying to play the nice, sacrificial lamb. He’s been doing his best to be a good friend to those whom he has chosen, and for these people to not only be ungrateful but even spiteful about it, to the point they almost willingly bite the hand that feeds them, is for them to completely be oblivious to the ills in their respective systems.

Don’t flatter any of yourselves to think Marcelle has said things only about you. There are a good deal of you who have been too blind to recognize the writing on the wall, and necessary evil that Marcelle realizes he is, he will have to be there to lead you to it.

Oh, it’s true. It’s true.

The weekend has been rough. In spite of nice conversations with Daf and Diane, Marcelle sure had a lot of problems, such as overspending… thankfully, he got quite a few good RAW Deal cards that he could use in his deck, though it would’ve been better to buy them individually and not by the pack. At the same time, he’s been having quite a lot of problems with timing, as Grace was beside herself in fury because while the meeting in RX for Radio 1 was going on, she was waiting outside, and she couldn’t bring herself to ring the doorbell. Marcelle ended up bearing the brunt of all that.

Then, this crud happens.

Marcelle is looking completely dejected right now… again, he never ceases to amaze himself… it’s quite clear that his whole life, he has never managed to find a friend who will really last, much less a best friend.

Now, when he thought things will finally be different, he is sincerely proven wrong. He lost yet another “best friend”, and this time around, it’s time Marcelle just stared in indignation and say: “No more”.

No more, jabroni.

No more going out on a limb for you who never really appreciates any of Marcelle’s efforts to begin with.

No more racking of Marcelle’s brains to come up with an answer for your questions and pleas for help, in exchange for being declared persona non grata.

No more feeling agony over you, who lies about committing suicide in hopes of eliciting a reaction from him.

No more putting too much trust too soon in people who end up exacerbating everything by figuring into the equation.

This is more than Marcelle could ever wish to bear. A rather clear declaration of war has been inked down, and Marcelle doesn’t intend to back down from it. People who have had the misfortune of seeing Marcelle angry know all too well by now that it’s not the smartest thing to do. The Phenom's Fury® is now knocking upon the door.

Unfortunately, people persist in driving Marcelle to use his rather… extreme… methodologies, and of course, he is all too happy to oblige. Jabroni, if you start this, Marcelle will most certainly be the one to end this, because he has had absolutely enough of being used and manipulated. You wanted to blow this out of proportion? Well, congratulations: you got yourself into a whole load of trouble with the Phenom. There is no chance in Hades for Marcelle to simply simmer and cool down because the main reason he never keeps grudges is either because they appease him, or their lives degrade into a limpid, pathetic mass unworthy of being begrudged in the first place.

Marcelle isn’t suicidal, but with all the people who don’t even give a flying freak that he’s still alive, it doesn’t really seem like much of a difference now, does it?

Marcelle wanted to be there, not out of any selfish reasons for his personal gain, but because he felt that you meant that much to him, that he was willing to swallow his pride and get on with the show. To Hades with being booted out of Radio 1 for not being there on his supposed on-air debut, which simply coincides on a certain day, jabroni. Marcelle was willing to give that up for you.

But no, that doesn’t matter to you, and while you’d go ahead and question Marcelle’s right to even expect anything, Marcelle exercises his right to finally get angry because of all this pain. Because people who attempt to manipulate Marcelle’s emotions by hitting him at his known weak spots never fail to earn his ire. Not even someone (Who must know who she is.) Marcelle once loved was spared from that fact, when she tried to do the same thing. Much less you. So if you wish to deny Marcelle his right to be angry over being hurt, used and manipulated for quite a good number of times, then you know where to go.

No more, jabroni. No more.

Marcelle is furious now. You'll be hearing him on the air this Saturday...

The Phenom's Fury® has been unleashed... more on this tomorrow.

"Kailangan mong mahasa ang sarili mo."

Mr. Bulaong was talking to me yesterday, after quite a while of being unable to converse with him in a more serious manner. He was telling me that Dr. Barbazza never even realized I was doing an impression of him until towards the end of the report, but anyways, that was secondary to what we really talked about.

It seems that the people I know in the Philo department really had their hopes up to see me get a minor in Philosophy.

To be honest, I really wanted to take a minor in Philosophy, but I realize that two things keep that from happening:

1. The risk of not getting a cum laude due to sub-par grades.
2. The additional semester I need to spend, not covered by my CAP.

With those two hindering me from getting a minor in Philosophy, I have no choice but to decline. However, I was intrigued by something Mr. Bulaong told me... an evaluation he passed onto Dr. Barbazza. See the quote above.

Apparently, he felt that I had, more than anything else, the mentality of a debater, and NOT a philosopher. So what's the difference?

"A philosopher looks for the truth. A debater can have the truth spitting in his eye, and he'd still be looking for a counterargument."

Makes sense to me, though I sincerely think that I know better than to persist debating on something I know to be true to me... but then, I'll chalk that up to their having more knowledge and experience than I do.

.:Assorted Musings:.

It's so tempting to jump on the trading bandwagon in RAW Deal. Unfortunately, I seem to be at a disadvantage, due to the fact that I'm overseas, and most people who have tempting trades are in the States... I wish someone can give me a good idea on a safe and affordable way to send cards to people, and hopefully receive it from them as well. I hate our postal system here, as they just LOVE opening up packages that have the remote chance of containing any money...

Lest I forget, it was Sacha's birthday last Tuesday, so belated happy 20th to her. She's got a blog now, so it seems. Still as geeky as ever...

My sister made it into this year's Hip Tribe, but I didn't. How sad... I needed the exposure. ::chuckles:: Seriously, it would've been great had I made it. Wish I sent better pictures...

Chico announced that his new buddies will be going on air next Saturday for Radio 1. That's good news to me, as that means I'll probably be going on air next Saturday, only at Manila's Hottest, RX 93.1. (Wow. Shameless self-promotion. I'm going for the cheap pop, eh?)

Bad news? I just might miss *jaded*'s birthday, assuming that I'm not yet persona non grata.

Either choice will be pretty troublesome... but that's the way life goes...

I was at this forum yesterday on the rebellion attempt. It's been such a tired old topic, and I feel that regardless of the grievances, let's stop being Machiavellian about this. The end DID NOT justify the means. Let's look into their complaints, but likewise, let's not overlook their own mistakes.

As I did mention yesterday, Grace and I had a huge argument last Wednesday over the silliest of things: that I wasn't crying a river over the fact I missed seeing Mars that night, and she felt like I didn't care about it and that was so wrong...

But that argument, as huge and as taxing as it may have been on the both of us, was something I had to simply make amends for, regardless of who was right or wrong. So as soon as my classes ended (Lots of progress with the thesis, so it seems.), I went straight to UST, with a pretty hard rain brewing, and a sumbit of a guard disallowing me from going inside. Now that was odd... nonetheless, I waited outside for Grace, and it wasn't long before she came out to meet me. We were rather apologetic with one another, and angel that she is, she decided to treat me to dinner... the sisig and the Babalumengai was great, actually.

It was a perfect way to patch up things between me and her, plus she got to see my graduation pictures. Nonetheless, we had a good time, and I was sincerely happy she appreciated my effort to go to her school in lieu of having some extra sleep which I sorely needed...

Anyways, since my route to my aunt's house was U.P., I likewise decided to drop by and chat with her for a while. She seemed a bit more uppity (But certainly not bouncy. ::winks::). I recalled the time she was choking me last Wednesday and the magic bullet comment I gave her that immediately made her relinquish her grip around my neck. Heh. I'm not telling. She's reading this, and I don't want to be strangled again...

Nonetheless, we had a short chat, and I then went back to my aunt's house, and on the way back, I lucked out...

I saw Ma'am Sining Tanedo.

Who's she? Well, she was my Psych teacher in 2nd year. Her voice reminds me of someone I know... :)

We were chatting a bit, and then I went back home after a short exchange of pleasantries with her...

I thought she was already in Germany. Apparently, she'll be leaving for about a month or two for Switzerland in September... hmm... wonder if that's a honeymoon or something. Forgot to ask her if she's getting married. :)

Still, that really just completed my day... Talk about a hat trick.

I was longing for this day... I needed a respite from all the harrowing things I've been going through the past few days... I suppose I've been feeling so drained and out ouf it, and after sticking around with Ato and Kendra for a few minutes, I went ahead to go to DLSU...

Well, so what happened? For one, I put on a mini-magic show, and all with a DLSU Discipline Officer trying to police me from "playing" cards. Right, jabroni. Do my eyes deceive me, or are we playing with a deck full of Kings of Clubs? Nonetheless (Again, I'm feeling a bit too lazy to attach links, so bear with me for now.), I enjoyed being in the company of Maia, Sam, and Noey. It was a pretty fun time, honestly, and one of the tricks I was doing was something that I tried only on the day itself. I was immensely surprised that I managed to pull it off quite well... nonetheless, people were talking about random topics, as it was clear coherence wasn't going to be the order of the day.

It was a fairly slow day but I was glad I was there, regardless. Maia was really fine to talk to, and we had quite a good number of jokes and all. Even when Maia was already on the verge of tears, Ijust had to point out to her that giving her a part in a Pugad Baboy cosplaying spectacle was next to impossible quickly got her back to the ground. I dunno, but I felt immensely good there. I hardly griped about anything, though I was grateful Isis actually wanted to hear about my uber-long story regarding Abby... a tale I really feel is worth telling only to people who matter now... which explains why I speak less and less about her.

Got a meeting in RX this Saturday for Radio 1. Orientation, I guess.

It was pretty late when I got home, and I was trying to help *jaded* out for something... least I can do, I suppose. I completely missed meeting up with Jobert one more time before he went back to the States, but I guess that can't be helped... nonetheless, I was still glad that this Wednesday proved to be a good day. Dani was being really nice with us and Mac and all... it was a fun thing, though it was unfortunate we didn't find a single copy of Culture Crash... errgghh.

It's Thursday now, and I finally got my grad pics... really interesting. Luis saw my pics, and so did Abby and Imo. I saw Abby's pics, and I really feel I'd rather have her creative pic than her formal pic, because she looks better in the former. I hate to say it, but her HS grad pic looked better...

Of all things to argue about: my not seeing Mars and not crying a river about it.

It's time the both of us changed. Not apart, but together. We've been going around in very hurtful circles for the longest time, saying things without thinking about it and making mountains out of molehills. It's time we put a stop to it. Not apart, but together.

I still want to hold on, and I will. No question about that. I'm willing to work on where I am lacking, and I believe she feels the same...

And I do believe that this is all worth it.

We'll see this through, Grace. I love you.

It's true, it's true.

A few people I’ve spoken to in the past few days… I suppose I won’t mention their names, but it’d be fairly obvious who they are…

I spoke to this person some time ago, and that person simply made me laugh. He was my teacher some time ago, and I told him how I would’ve liked having him as a thesis adviser because it would’ve been nice to be thesis partners with someone I know. A few days later, he ends up asking me, “Kailan ba kayo nag-break?” There was a gap in logic there somewhere, but I guess I couldn’t blame him for filling it in with such an assumption… heh. I guess I should stop there while it’s still funny.

I told this situation to someone I know, and she was laughing her head off, too. Well, just call me the ex that never was… anyways, I’m glad that while she has no idea how to help me whatsoever in certain things as she is completely out of whatever issues I may be in, she at least is willing to listen to me and understand me. To be able to joke with her about the past like that makes it easier on me, while I would admit that I sometimes catch myself reminiscing. Overall, it’s far better than merely repressing it, which is obviously not going to solve anything at all. I’m glad that she understood me when I told her I’d rather stop while it was still funny… she’s really making it easy on me, because it’s a given for me to really stop and look back from time to time, and I’ve no idea how to go about and changing it any time soon.

Then, I finally managed to pick up the courage and speak to this other person. What happened? Oh, she had a test the following day. So did I, but I felt it was imperative we settled an issue almost a year old already… yeah, yeah. Whatever, jabroni.

I also had to set my spine in place as I tried to speak to another person. Am I glad I started to work things out with this person. Yes, we need time, and while things aren’t going all too well at this point, at least we’re making progress, and we’re coming to understand one another better. I think that really will help in beginning the healing process.

Another person I know seemed to be avoiding me lately. Fearful for a cold war, I ended up feeling rather pained about it. I’m glad I managed to resolve that issue. At least, since I’m taking the person’s word for it, it’s just because that person was overtly busy, and not because that person was actually avoiding me…

A certain person I know celebrated her birthday yesterday. I’m sure we all know who she is. Happy birthday, jabroni.

There was this other person I spoke to just yesterday, and I’m glad I spoke to her in person. Here I was, hoping to talk about MY problems, and the opposite happened: we talked about HERS. Was it bad? Of course not. I felt so much better, knowing that I made her feel better by being there to listen, and I guess lately, it’s hard to find people willing to listen when they think you’re some kind of Superwoman by default. As soon as she started singing her boyfriend’s praises about how understanding and loving he was, I just had to say, “That’s my man.” ::laughs maniacally::

Actually, the funny part is, I could've possibly not found her in her university at all. She wasn't at her dorm, and I was already on my way back home when I suddenly ran into her. The chances of that happening were infinitesmally small...

Dinner with this person was fine. Mang Jimmy’s actually proved to be a great choice, as the food was great, though the sisig sure left a lot to be desired. Nonetheless, it was a good time, great conversation, and I really felt a lot better listening to her talk than ranting needlessly about my own drama, which wouldn’t have made me feel better, anyway. Thank goodness it turned out that way. Hilariously enough, on our way back, we realized that we forgot to pay, and even the people at the restaurant didn’t realize it. We quickly returned to cough up the money… we were laughing our heads off on the way back, knowing we could’ve gotten away with it had we been a bit more forgetful or evil…

Finally, there’s this person I’ve been in love with for nearly four years now. She’s been the constant source of inspiration, she’s been my strength, and she’s taught me so many things I really needed to learn about myself and my own capabilities. She is truly my bright ray of sunshine, my reason to smile. Nobody expected us to last this long (Not even us!), but we’re glad we did. We’re thankful we did. She’s the one person who can understand me when everyone else begins to think about how pathetic or hopeless I am. The one person who’s willing to believe in me when I am at the depths of despair. The one person I am willing to do the same for at the drop of a hat.

You know who she is. I’ll give you a clue. Her name is Grace.

Over the weekend, Grace and I managed to catch Dark Water, and now, I guess I can write another movie review after the longest time... you know the drill. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Dark Water:
The Pasig River Story

This movie was given the hype of being terrifying and scary, having come from the same minds who gave us the groundbreaking Ringu Trilogy. Of course, the hype remains to be proved, and after having seen the film, I am left wondering what is really supposed to be scary about the ruddy film.

As a product of a broken family, Ikkoku lives with her mother, and they recently moved into an old flat that was near Ikkoku's eventual kindergarten. Throughout the film, strange things happen to both mother and daughter. Ikkoku keeps on finding a red bag. The mother is seeing things. Ikkoku is talking an imaginary friend. The mom is finding something anomalous about the whole house. The movie was beginning to drag and be a theatrical vacuum cleaner: sucking and blowing at the same time.

So they find out that the floor above them was haunted, which explains why the water in the flat is polluted with... hair, and why there is a leak on their ceiling. Apparently, a young girl died by falling into a water tank in the building years ago, and all because her mother never came to fetch her in school.

Big deal.

There was nothing scary about the premise of the film. The girl didn't have any ulterior motive, or anything that was meant to fuel the terror, save for the last part of the movie, which was one of the most impressive twists I've seen in a film as of late. That bit with the mom actually getting the ghost kid and NOT Ikkoku was a fine bit of trickery, indeed. The mom, in the end, sacrificed herself to save her daughter, but that's about it. Nothing that'd make you feel absolutely creeped out, especially not if you're Filipino, seeing how recently, a man drowned in one of our water reservoirs already...

The movie was okay, as there were parts that were really scary (Again, especially the final twist.), but there was no feeling of impending danger. All I could really see was a soul looking for her mother, but there was no vendetta, no rhyme or reason to why it had to be them who were there, and not some other random family or whatever else. The storytelling and the coherence were choppy at best. This was what made me sorely disappointed and wish that I was watching Naked Weapon instead...

Still, it was worth catching once. It's not worth a second look, though.

Marcelle's Evaluation: C+

Drained.

Exhausted.

Morose.

Story of Marcelle's life, really. He hardly gets any emotional highs, and he's usually more immersed in his lows. Sort of reminds him, really, about his own report in Philosophy. If there are more things wrong in this world than there are things right, then how could an infinitely right God ever exist?

Ah, but then, that's why the human being has free will. That in itself is a higher good than having a God control our wills.

But God knows what we are going to will (Or, what we will will.). Thus, when He gets to the point He foreknows something, we are, by necessity, going to act accordingly. Where is the freedom in that?

Ah, but you are still free. You have made your choices long before you got to this point. What you need to do is to understand why you made that choice.

So Marcelle, ask yourself: WHY did you get yourself into this?

You didn't get yourself anywhere by trying to get this off your chest, because face it, Marcelle: You're back at square one. You have no idea how much pain you've caused to people around you, and the only one worthy of blame is you. And in the end, what happens? You realize that you let go of something you called correctly, and not something you gave a misnomer to. How could you be so foolish?

And now, everything else is strained. People who once saw you as their bright ray of sunshine for the day now hold you in contempt and get away from you as soon as they begin to smell the stench of malevolence emanating from your very core. A lousy friend. A pathetic excuse for a human being. That's what you are, jabroni. Marcelle, you are a disgrace to the gargoyle.

Who do you turn to now? She's gone. So is she, so it seems. There're only two people who can still see you through. One loves you. That's why she's hurt. The other is a world apart in mind and heart. That's why nothing can be said.

And so you have to turn back to yourself. You are your only refuge, for you do not wish to hurt anyone else, Marcelle. But you know what your company brings: pain. Guilt. Regret. And with only yourself as your sanctuary, that is what you are doomed to feel.

Drained.

Exhausted.

Morose.

Story of Marcelle's life, really.

Chico Garcia texted me today.

I GOT INTO RADIO 1!!!

Yay?

Well, I'm glad that panned out well. Nonetheless, other random stuff have been happening lately, such as when I spoke to HER, and she gave me yet another excuse to put the phone down. I now know what's been bugging her, and all I can say is: Don't flatter yourself, jabroni.

Debating has been such a chore for me. I'm not enjoying it lately, especially now that they're quizzing us on freaking matter... gee.

Ah, well. Not much else for me to say...

Except maybe that I've seen Grace's grad pics, and she is GORGEOUS!!!

.:All Smiles? Not Really:.

Oh, is it time for my happy post now?

I'm sorry. There really is no room for me to be overtly happy at this point, but I'm also a wee bit too preoccupied with so many things I've been doing for me to likewise go and mope around, blaming God for all that's not well in my life. I hate letting wounds fester, but I guess that's what I have to do here right now, seeing how everyone else I've been asking about my predicament were telling me that I did the right thing, it's just that I was misconstrued. Well, tough luck for this jabroni, eh? My relations with certain other people have also been strained due to this. There's one particularly nasty casualty that comes to mind, and I'm saddened because it could've been altogether avoided... I guess that's why I hesitated about it in the first place. Instincts. Why can't they ever be freaking wrong?

Wednesday? Well, Wednesday was fine. I was still reeling from the effects of a lot of reviewing for my Philosophy long test (A relatively easy one...) on Monday, then taking it on Tuesday, AND preparing for a report in class about David Hume and the problem of evil. I was fully intent on imitating Dr. Barbazza, and I think I was well-equipped to do just that... nonetheless, I'm pretty fine with everything there, though it sure hampered my review for History and Theology.

That's why those two said long tests were certainly long tests I really had a difficult time dealing with. You can certainly say that I really wished I had more time to breathe and deal with them, but no, I was denied, and I'm worried about my A's again... these are two subjects I could easily ace, given more time, and if you're wondering why I'm so freaking grade-conscious again, with Cum Laude so within my grasp now, failing to get A's in these would completely shatter the hold I'm beginning to have on it, which is certainly sad, seeing how I've been working so hard to do these things right.

I never wanted to be this grade-conscious in the first place, but kung nandyan na nga, tatanggihan mo pa ba?

The tests were not that difficult, given ample time, but they were certainly challenging. It was unlikely for anyone to ace the tests yesterday with ease, seeing how the questions, particularly the non-essay ones in both tests, were all rather tricky.

I completely missed Ekai's meeting up with the rest of the Pantheon... (I feel lazy right now, so don't ask me to add all those links yet.) while I did tell her I will be there, she assumed I will be there for her regardless what time she decided to show up, which wasn't possible for me. I had two long tests, after all... ah, well. Nonetheless, she didn't need my presence there, either. It looks like she managed to work things out with them once and for all, and I hope that this is the end of the cold war.

Braving rain and wind, I got to La Salle around two or so in the afternoon, and I didn't go to the arcade before the brownout ocurred, so I didn't get to play a single game. Ah, well. I found Sam, Maia, Mac, and Cy (Maia's brother.), who was surrounded by groupies again. While the aura emanating from the jabronis was quite serene, I knew that they still had to get some things off their chests regarding what happened before I got there, and I suppose it's all right. I was just sharing some comedy moments with them, such as the misheard lyrics and the honeymoon songs, and Mel (She said I shouldn't call her Noey...) arrived shortly thereafter. Pretty slow day, actually, considering that I really couldn't talk about what I was feeling at the moment, and neither could they, actually.

Isis was there, and so were Charles and Voltz. Not much from that front, really. I was showing off the world title I took along with me, and it sure looked very impressive... Dani was there last. Lots of innuendo again, but I swear, this wasn't a great day, because I was too subdued to do anything extraordinary. I couldn't be as sad as I wanted to, I couldn't be as happy as I wished to. It was really blah from my side, and I guess only my jokes were selling any better than the merchandise at McDonald's...

Took Maia straight to the dorm. There wasn't much time for talk, but at least it was compensated for by a nice ride in the FX instead of the really short time we spend (All three of us: Me, Mac, and Mai. 3M.) when we're taking the LRT-MRT route.

Today, I finally settled my report for Philo... well, let's just say I'm glad people got the joke and the symbolism. I think I managed to do a decent job of imitating Dr. Barbazza...

*Might be up for a re-edit...*

Thursday, 31 July, 2003:

After getting the stuff he needed from his house, Marcelle took a taxi to get to U.P. He decided to meet up with Maia again, seeing how he really felt he needed someone to talk to. Marcelle got there, and they were talking about how things were going. Marcelle was showing off the title belt he borrowed for his graduation picture, and it was a fun time for him. Maia was very much fine at this point, and it certainly seems as though it’s simply over already. She’s been feeling all the hurt and anger, yet she refused to acknowledge it. Marcelle feels that she is ready to move on, but it would be a good idea to have closure. Definitive closure.

Nonetheless, Marcelle was rather melodramatic regarding his last post. He knew he didn’t exactly say the nicest things there, but he had to put it that way, lest he keep it all bottled up within him. Marcelle certainly felt like he was about to explode with the curious mixture of pain and worry that enveloped him, but much as he wanted to just break down and cry already, he just couldn’t. He was doomed to hold it all back within him, and Maia was just there, looking at him with pity, knowing how much pain he is bearing and knowing how hard he wishes that he could actually do something about it. Alack and alas, this was not meant to be, even though Marcelle sincerely wanted to give himself a chance to unleash all the hurt he was feeling over the past few weeks from more than one front…

Marcelle has rarely bothered to shed tears over anything since his perspectives changed. He simply didn’t find the need of going all emotional on things that were actually trivial, and he realized that it was mostly a waste of energy to just let himself go with people whom he shouldn’t actually even trust… and in spite of D.T.A., Marcelle can say that Maia is a person who truly can be a shoulder to cry on… a great friend.

For what it’s worth, though Maia and Marcelle may not be the best of friends, it’s a comfort to know that one will always be there for the other, and one will always care for the other. That’s certainly one of the best things Marcelle has heard in months, and he can’t help but smile and appreciate it.

Friday, 01 August, 2003:

It was simply amazing. Marcelle was all packed and ready to go to Olongapo for his immersion, and he was completely underslept, having hit the sack at around twelve midnight the previous night. He had hoped that his last post on his LJ and weblog would help him go to Olongapo with a clear head, not a thought about his problem back in Manila, a problem that in spite of all his ruminations, still led him to merely sit on the fence. Anyways, he made it there with time to spare. It was pretty much amusing, actually… here were mostly a bunch of people whom he was meeting only for the second time in his life, and they all had no choice but to go and bond with one another, simply because three days of their lives will be spent in one another’s company. Of course, Marcelle didn’t put much stock in that, but he was an instant hit among the people there for taking a page out of Mac’s book, what with the Arabian pimp routine…

The bus ride to Olongapo was fairly uneventful in that since people didn’t really know one another at the time, interaction among each of them was limited to their immediate seatmates and actual friends/acquaintances. Marcelle got to know Ayessa, Jonel, and Erikka right off the bat, and Ayessa seemed to be a fairly nice person: intelligent, cute, and rather strong-willed. Jonel was actually a bit quiet at first, and Erikka was quiet, but she was also nice. She had that quite winsome smile that can only be described as… charismatic.

Without a doubt, getting to the Buklod center was a bit of an adjustment for them. While there wasn’t as much of a need to rough it in the center as there would’ve been in most of the other areas for immersion, there was certainly no question at all that the place certainly was an uprooting from most of the students’ respective comfort zones. Sleeping space was going to be quite an issue, what with over 20 people in the place, which was fairly small to begin with. Expectations were communicated, and Marcelle admitted that he got into that area with Elbert and the rest of their group by pure chance. After an orientation, and a bit of downtime which was used to get to know each other a bit better, the agenda then became the time for everyone to get ready for a gender-sensitivity lecture and bar-hopping. When ma’am Jean was talking there, Marcelle realized how marginalized either sex can be in different sectors of life, such as how people actually blame women for their being raped, which Marcelle believes is so ludicrous.

All throughout the trip to go bar-hopping; on the other hand, Marcelle and Elbert were taking turns initiating songs in the jeepney that everyone would sing along to. Some songs were “Stay”, “Huling El Bimbo, and “Harana”. Everyone was having fun, and at the first stop, everyone was divided into two. Marcelle went with what was mostly Ayessa’s group. The first bar was rather tame. In fact, it was only about people singing in the bar, and nothing more. There wasn’t anyone dancing, nor were there any hints of prostitution in the particular locale. What followed was meant to be embedded in their minds for the rest of their lives…

Marcelle’s particular group went to a bar called Pepe Kaka, while the other group, composed chiefly of Kat’s (A bunch of MECO people.) group, went to Chiquitita. This time around, there were dancers in the bar who went all the way. They were doing splits and rolls and all sorts of things there, and all of them were clearly drugged, most likely with shabu. They probably couldn’t have done the things they were doing had they been sober. It was a complete turnaround, as even if there was a really attractive Oriental-looking girl in the bar, it did absolutely nothing for Marcelle. How do you expect Marcelle to so much as be enjoying the show? He simply wasn’t twisted enough to take pleasure in what he was seeing, and it made him realize that he wasn’t as diabolical as he thought he truly was, when there is no clear reason to be. Marcelle downed only a single San Mig Light, so he was far from drunk, while Carlo Reyes was already on the way to that in the other group. Erikka was paired up with Marcelle, so he took it upon himself to simply try and protect her from all those guys trying to make passes at her, and for a person Marcelle has only gotten to actually know that day, he felt pretty worried on her behalf. Marcelle could only imagine how Erikka’s boyfriend was feeling… pretty soon, a fag walked behind Marcelle, and Erikka immediately got to return the favor to Marcelle… heh. Funny…

Nonetheless, after that, everyone went home and just talked a bit more, and Marcelle had to sleep on a table, which was going to be his makeshift bed for his entire stay there. Little did Marcelle know that instead of leaving behind some skeletons in his closet, they were in his travel bag all this time…

Saturday, 02 August, 2003:

This was a really busy day, come to think of it. After waking up, everyone got ready to visit people who worked in the bar, possibly one of them from last night’s bar-hopping session, though that didn’t happen to Marcelle’s group in particular. The story Marcelle heard was certainly very eye-opening, and even if their subject didn’t dance in any clubs but merely worked for them as a cashier, she sure knew what was happening, and she was a genuine person who had very reasonable grievances regarding the government’s shortcomings. After the interview, everyone got back and rested for a while, and enjoyed a round of Videoke. This singing business never got old with a good deal of the immersionists…

Afterwards, the Buklod staff shared how they got into the organization. There was no question about it: most of them were former bar women who really wanted to try and break the cycle. There was no need to doubt that few, if any, of the bar women in Olongapo would’ve been there if there was a better-paying or more respectable choice available to them.

The stories were pretty funny, but Nanay Smith and Ate Zeny took the cake. The former was talking about how great she was during her heyday, and even gladly demonstrated her techniques. This was disorienting, because she looked like the religious type who would go pray in church on a daily basis. The latter, on the other hand, was rambling on about her experiences while she was already tipsy. She didn’t hesitate to cuss or anything of the sort during her story, and it certainly proved to be very entertaining, all the same.

Not long afterwards, the solidarity night came along. There were three performances: Marcelle’s group performed “Leaving On A Jet Plane”, Kat’s group performed a version of “You’ve Got A Friend” with rather different lyrics, and Ayessa’s group performed a bunch of skits that used “Mickey” as transition music. Mickey, it must be said, was the transition music in the bar last night, and other songs of interest were J Lo’s “All I Have”, Nina’s “Jealous”, Christina Aguilera’s “I Turn To You”, and of course, the immortal bar song, Prince’s “Purple Rain”.

After the performances, there was a lot of drinking and dancing going around, the former of which Marcelle SPARINGLY participated in. Sex Bomb songs were being played, among other tracks, but Marcelle particularly decided to go and dance only to the Ketchup Song… he was beginning to be alone again, and someone in the group was already a bit tipsy, though it must be said he was earlier proving just how much he loves kids and how much kids love him… he was interacting really well with one of the kids that night, and it was very heartwarming to see all that. Of course, the kid ended up crying when it was time to go, but nonetheless…

People then started spilling secrets. Carlo, the one who got really really drunk had a severe problem that he didn’t know how to deal with, Ayessa and I were mildly debating on whether or not casual prostitutes, or those who go into such a business just because they want to (Read: They’re REALLY rich.), were actually ever justifiable. At the same time, people were happily getting drunk, while Marcelle received a text message from Grace, who was at birthday girl madame Fire’s party in madame Sky’s and Ichi’s house. The message essentially contained a friend’s unfavourable reaction to Marcelle’s last post, and of course, Marcelle went ahead and tried to troubleshoot it. Instead, Marcelle was really worse off than when he started. Elbert was no help (Perfectly understandable, though.), which essentially meant Marcelle had nobody he could possibly confide to. It looked like Marcelle’s purpose of leaving any baggage behind ended up following him all the same. He was already feeling really bad. Elbert was talking about someone he and Marcelle knew, and he was talking about the contempt this person had for Marcelle, deeming him pathetic for reasons back in the day. Worse, it’s not like she was alone in that notion, and that really ticked Marcelle off. Had they been thinking that, it would’ve been better if they either said it to his face, or better yet, simply never bothered paying any attention to him.

There was one person beyond Elbert whom he was about ready to confide in, but instead, he had to hold himself back because the guy started talking about how everyone breaks up, and he twice undermined Marcelle’s relationship with Grace, thinking it won’t last, and it so disturbed Marcelle he had to really go ahead and simply talk to Grace. Sigh. She was so wonderful. The guy would be freaking annoying to wonder why Marcelle didn’t appreciate any of his advice. Anyways, Marcelle was pretty much telling them how he felt everyone was so equal when they were all, regardless of any differences in race, class, or whatever, singing the same songs on the videoke. But that was way earlier on.

At this point, Marcelle was already frustrated, and he ended up snapping at Ayessa for her idea of a linear, determined world, citing that “There goes freedom”. Marcelle then gets a retort from her of how she knows how to strike a balance, and that Marcelle wasn’t part of the conversation. Marcelle profusely apologizes, Elbert tells him that he’s letting himself get way too affected by what’s happening, and Marcelle storms off in a raincoat, standing under the rain, letting the pain go. Or so he thought. It didn’t feel liberating at all… prolly because he didn’t really have anyone he can actually trust beside him at the time. At the same time, Marcelle could hear the back talk and discern that they felt sorry for Marcelle because he was all alone under the rain, but it’s his fault because he didn’t want to open up. Open up to them? They were the ones who wanted to burst Marcelle’s bubble and say that he was bound to break up with Grace. Fact is, Marcelle hoped that he wouldn’t need YET ANOTHER REMINDER that he was such a loner. He didn’t feel so ecstatic either about hearing a certain user-friendly person one of the people in the immersion knows of either…

Sunday, 03 August, 2003:

Finally, it was time for everyone to go back to Manila. This was preceded by a synthesis of everything that transpired, and between Elbert’s hilarious illustrations, and Marcelle’s (hopefully) witty commentary, Marcelle as the reporter for the group turned out pretty well. He acknowledged Ayesssa’s point that maybe casual prostitutes can be justified, plus the SFG thing for students, and clear movie examples of other forms of violence. The single teenage mom was a bit sensitive because Erikka is actually a single mom, but it seems she’s really mature enough to take it all in stride. Other reports were also entertaining, nonetheless.

On sharing everyone’s final feelings about the whole immersion, Marcelle had to agree with Ayessa’s point that there is no room for “what if’s” (Even after contradicting her the night before AND even though Marcelle is really fond of what if’s…) because just like in the Matrix Reloaded (That elicited a lot of laughs… heh.), the issue wasn’t really what choice one would make, because one already made his or her choices a long time before. What mattered was understanding WHY one made such a choice. Maybe going there wasn’t pure chance, after all.

Marcelle felt feverish already. Carlo went with him to U.P., since Carlo was on his way to Katipunan, and Marcelle passed by Maia’s dorm, where she was nowhere to be found. Afterwards, having gotten home proved to only open up a lot of troubleshooting Marcelle had to do. Marcelle had to show his emotions to someone. Someone betrayed him and robbed him of the chance of explaining things on HIS TIME. When he was ready to do a schizo routine of interjecting affirmations in between saying what’s going wrong with all of this. Marcelle had to go all emotional again because he was carrying such a burden upon his chest all this time, and again, it hurt so much because it was happening not in the presence of someone he can trust. It was really painful, and Marcelle had to talk with Grace, who, in spite of being argumentative, at least put things in perspective. Marcelle felt guilty about putting himself down so much, knowing how someone was bound to really be affected by it, but that’s how he felt. He was downright lethargic already.

Marcelle just wanted to really let go already. This was underlined by the fact that he was really acting rather differently towards someone. It wasn’t easy, mind you. Marcelle takes no pleasure in any of that happening. Still, all of this reminded Marcelle of how Abby once got herself involved in a fight she shouldn’t have gotten herself involved in, and how she emotionally blackmailed Marcelle to resolve it lest she never speak to him again. Marcelle was hurt. He even ended up recalling the pain when she (different one…) actually went and toyed with his emotions. It was very painful. And it wasn’t right. It was as though his feelings were being manipulated and it was simply unfair.

Monday, 4 August 2003:

Chris wanted to go and meet up with Marcelle today, because she wanted to try and resolve things with him. Marcelle was catching up on things said on his weblog and LJ over the weekend, and what got to him was how people were jumping the gun before he had the chance to speak his mind in the flesh. He was drained, and it was simply unfair to him. She was there, and Marcelle couldn’t help but feel that he was being such a lousy, even diabolical friend to them lately, as she ended up asking him if he even wanted to be friends with her, and why he was shutting people who care out of his life. She was telling him how much he loved him as a friend, and while Marcelle believes every word of it, he felt so hurt that he still had to be cold to her to some extent, lest he break down again, and he didn’t need that at all.

Was it so mean? Maybe. But Marcelle didn’t mean to be cruel to her, and all the time, he felt so bad about it. His only way to feel better about all of this was for him to put himself down all the time, especially now that his very sincerity has been questioned, when had he been given the time that he needed, he would’ve been able to work this out. In fact, if this weren’t made into such a fiasco, it wouldn’t have been a problem at all. Nobody had to react before there was any need to react. Marcelle had no idea how to work things out. Chris and Marcelle can talk things out all they want, but until the one concrened comes around, then there is no resolving this at all.

Marcelle then had his photo shoot, and it went along fine. His quizzes were fine. He had a good conversation with Mr. Bulaong, and it seems that they still manage to talk to each other quite well, even if they’re not really meeting one another often. Sach was amused with the title belt on Marcelle’s shoulder (For the photo shoot, that is.), and so were a lot of other people.

So many more things to do beyond that stuff, actually. It can only be hoped that things fall into place tomorrow. Nonetheless, Marcelle then spoke to Grace, who was extremely supportive of him, though she felt bad about what happened. She also felt bad with someone…

Marcelle then called Chris to talk to her about all of this. There is one ironic reversal that Marcelle never saw coming…

…The moment he let go, was the moment he realized that it was worth holding on to.

Doesn’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone? Marcelle would like to think that in spite of all the pain he has caused upon others and himself, people would just look and read between the lines and realize that Marcelle never wanted to lose a friend.

How ironic. But how… humbling.

And now, Marcelle leaves himself vulnerable. Because this is worth the wager, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.