Monday, February 25, 2008



Ever had a dream that felt so agonizingly real?

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly exhausted and stressed out. It would appear that last night's dream had a lot to do with that.

I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting the dream was to me. It all felt so real, and in the back of my head, I kept on thinking it was all my fault how someone who used to be special to me had a heart attack and I was trying to deal with her loss from that point on.

Every single time I broke into tears during that dream, it felt like I was genuinely crying. By the time I woke up, it felt as if I did turn on the waterworks at least five times, from my hazy recollection of the dream.

To this moment, I was almost tempted into contacting that person and ask her how she's doing. I know I'm not supposed to even exist in her life now, let alone be asking her how she is, but the dream just felt so disturbing, and a part of that has a lot to do with things we never really resolved.

I guess the main impetus for refusing to contact her, aside from of course the fact that I myself told her I'm never speaking to her again, would be the fact that it's not exactly the nicest thing to hear... "Hi there! How've you been? I was thinking of you recently because I dreamt you had a fatal heart attack a few nights ago. I hope you're doing just fine."

This isn't even beginning to cover the issues that, in my opinion, remain simply because we never really settled anything.

For now, I'm only hoping that she actually reads my blog from time to time, and she knows it's her I'm talking about when I say that I still feel an inordinate amount of guilt when I think of how it came to the point that I'm just a much-handwashed footnote in her life. While I'm perfectly sympathetic to why she did that, I can't help but feel hurt that this has still been the case. I *really* hate having loose ends I can't tie up.

If not, well, I take consolation in knowing it was just a dream...

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