Tuesday, August 19, 2008

There's Something About Bachelor Parties...

You are warned. This is not an all-ages post. Seriously.

.:So Sue Me. This Is All So Shiny And New To Me...:.

Y'know, if you're one of those people who has encountered more than one bachelor party with a stripper, you can stop reading right now. You probably will tell me something like "this stuff happens all the time, it's not something to poke fun at", and spoil my fun.

Now, if you are, like myself, uninitiated to these things, then allow me to poke fun at it. =P

Now, to protect the identities of the people involved, I shall codename everyone involved. But since you know which wedding I've been to recently, it kinda narrows down who's who, right?

Having said that, it was the bride's idea to organize a bachelor's party, not to mention that the party happened at her place, so I guess it makes sense why the party wasn't the raucous sinfest uninitiated people such as myself assumed these things would turn out to be...


The groom had no idea there was going to be a bachelor party. Obviously, he wasn't expecting one would happen right in his own bride-to-be's condo unit. For all intents and purposes, it was merely going to be a pizza and video games party night, but even the groom-to-be realized something was amiss when the bride-to-be disappeared for no apparent reason.

Soon enough, the reason became clear when a knock on the door heralded the arrival of...

.:The Stripper...:.

Ever since my immersion in Olongapo during college, I've been mighty averse when it comes to bar girls, prostitutes, and yes, strippers. Thanks to the immersion, I am psychologically wired to not enjoy these things, and tonight was no exception.

Now, having said that, this does not preclude me from having preconceived notions about how a stripper would conduct herself in lieu of the ones I see in movies, albeit of the male variety, where they come in as a fireman, and start stripping for a bridal shower. For some reason, I don't recall the female iteration of this in any movies I've seen.

That being the case, I didn't expect that when the door would open, a Chinese guy would walk in, followed by a meek-looking girl who's smiling very shyly.

"Good evening po," she says.

Are strippers really this polite? Seriously. There go the images of someone coming in, playing music from a boom box, and going straight into the performance. Nope. It didn't work that way.

The handler asked the groom-to-be for something that could play the CD's they brought while the stripper dressed up. Apparently, some cosplaying was involved, which made us joke that she'll come out as a PSP just for the groom-to-be.

In true gamer fashion, it turns out that the only thing in the room capable of playing CD's was the PS3. So the handler was holding a PS3 controller, figuring out which track was which, and finally, it was go time. No more awkwardness and just pure, anadulterated, adult-rated fun, right?


.:Strike One!:.

So out she came in a schoolgirl outfit.

I, being melancholy at the time, remembered that one of my exes was a former student who graduated before I started dating her.

Right then and there, I was thrown out of the mood, as she gyrated for the groom-to-be to the tune of Britney Spears' "Give Me More". Outside of that, I do not recall what tracks were used for music. Trust me: it's better this way. It might ruin it if one of your favorite songs of all time were used as a track that night... really.

So she gives a lap dance for the groom-to-be, and the groom-to-be looked nervous, but was not looking like he'd enjoy this at all. Clearly, he wasn't too keen on the girl, and by the looks of it, neither was anyone else in the room. Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't ugly, but despite the fact that there were three non-geeks in the room, even they weren't really into it, for one reason or another, and how the girl looked had little to do with it.

I was seated on the floor, so she couldn't give me a lap dance if she wanted to. She went back to the room she changed in after one song, though, and then...

.:Strike Two!:.

... she came out in a nurse's uniform.

Have I told you yet that My Beloved is a nurse? Now that you know, and knowing that I was melancholy at the time, how d'ya think that made me feel?

By the time she was dancing in front of me, she was staring at my blank expression, and quickly moved on to the next guy. Even if nobody in the room was getting into it at this point, I was just so clearly disinterested that she didn't push the issue anymore.

.:And The Games Begin!:.

So there were body shots, and body rubs to be given out, and I have to say, the last part was the only one worth noting, where she would take some guy, lay him on the bed, and then, well, tease him, pretty much.

After two guys were done, and we shall call them the Boxer brothers, they were looking for a third "volunteer". Nobody seemed to be moving. I stayed seated on the floor.

But this one guy, let's call him "Mr. Carry On", got up to grab a drink of water.

Predictably enough, another guy pushed him and he tripped on the mattress/bed, and the stripper practically pounced on him because he seemed so eager.

After finding out he was a briefs guy, we had a hearty laugh at his expense as he was clearly in heaven regardless of being surrounded by guys who were ribbing him for finally being "touched" by a woman.

Needless to say, I think he got drunk shortly after that.

.:And... Strike Three!:.

Here's the funny thing... she was supposed to be there for three hours, but simply because nobody was into it and we were all too nice like just a bunch of guys and a girl having good clean fun with little clothing involved (Emphasis on clean. It was almost... fit for general consumption. Well, almost.), it was clear that there was no reason for her to stay longer than the 45 minutes or so that she was there.

And so she left, still with those polite niceties, but here's the kicker...

"Sige po... ingat po... God bless po..."

I don't know about you, but I may not have had many strippers come into my life, but really, is "God bless!" the last thing you'd tell your clientele after doing your thing? I don't judge what she does, but really. I mean, even as a magician, I don't say "God bless," and I'm not exactly denying how strongly Catholic I am... =P

.:The Drunken Aftermath...:.

So, back to Mr. Carry On...

Here's a transcript of his drunken rant to the groom-to-be in the presence of the bride-to-be after she came back...

How many girls do you know who are gamers, game developers, share your interests, and cosplays for you?!?

I don't know about you, ****, pero 't*** ina, I don't know what you did right in this life to get someone like that, you lucky bastard.

I know I'm drunk right now, pero f*** you, you are such a lucky bastard!

Don't you just love this guy? =P

.:The Wrap-Up...:.

I seriously hope to never experience a bachelor's party again. It does nothing for me. Really. If it weren't for the fact that Mr. Carry On was a bag of laughs that night, I would've come out of it rather cross, really.

Nonetheless, more power to Ms. Polite Stripper. I may never see her again, but she knew how to ride the current (Dammit. Bad choice of words!) and made the whole thing just as fun as it can be, when it was clear that nobody in the room was particularly... horny. =P

But please, don't cosplay as a schoolgirl. Or a nurse. Or heaven forbid, a doctor. That just completely threw me for a loop right there...


Ang Balasubas said...

Waaahh!!! "God bless po" as her parting words are the killer! You will never forget her after she uttered those words. Maybe its her way of "ah dude, wanna make sure you'll never forget me hahahaha..so here's the kicker"...God bless po.

If I was in your shoes that time, ill probably remember her last words rather than the actions she performed. Wait, do you have pix of her? Hehehehehe...it must be her first job, with that one her first "baptismn in fire".

Ang Balasubas
Pinoy Life Hacker

Marcelle said...

Given that the brilliant bride-to-be organized this herself (Handy tip for a wife to have a "safe" bachelor's party, eh?), I doubt she wasn't a tad seasoned.

Despite that, I think it was because of how we were, for the most part. She just played off of us.

daniel the lifesaver boy! said...

more than the stripper chronicles, i love that whole "drunken aftermath" with "mr. carry on" here...the quotes are priceless! hahaha! :P

Dominique said...

With my awesome mentalist powers I predict that the next time you will see her will be in church.