Friday, March 27, 2009

Turning Back The Clock..

.:Sad Fez:.

Yesterday, I went over my older blog entries, and I realized how autobiographical I really was back then, how I would write about practically anything and everything that went on in my life. It was thoroughly exhaustive, and I must say that I seem to have lost the art of autobiographical writing in recent years. I mean, last year was my most active-blogging year, yet I could see that I wasn't recounting things as vividly as I used to back in 2003-2004. I guess I don't feel the need to archive my life as strongly as I used to, but I do feel a tad disappointed with how I haven't been writing the way I used to.

It's been a grueling past few weeks, and I've been doing everything I can to still keep going despite the rough spots I find myself in. At this point, I'm just really happy that I'm still alive. It's difficult, but these hardships are merely hurdles I need to overcome to be a better human being.

I do miss being able to practically transcribe conversations I've had, and just having so much to say and to think about, and not have to feel the crunch of deadlines looming over my head. Then again, I recognize being that carefree may simply be a thing of the past for me, as I'm still in the middle of a two-year long burnout that I still haven't gotten out of. I do need a change of scenery, and soon.

Having spent time the other night at the Blue Roast made me really think about where my life has been going lately, and to be honest, I'm not too happy with it, unless the direction changes drastically.

*sighs* five years in a graduate degree that appears to be for nothing...

.:Where Do We Go From Here?:.

I'm doing what I can to make sure I finish my Masters (Read: Thesis) by the end of summer, but really, I just question what all this was for, sometimes. I'm not teaching come June. A very enlightening heart-to-heart yesterday opened my eyes to that.

Well, so the eff what?

I love Philosophy, I love teaching, but I know I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I won't allow anyone or anything to hold me back any longer. Once I'm done with my thesis, as far as I'm concerned, the sky's the limit, and I'm going to drive myself harder than I've ever driven myself before.

This is my mantra. This is my battlecry. In a mere two months (I hope. Gawd.), I will pull out all the stops to finally live up to this so-called potential I've been hearing about all these years. I've underachieved for long enough. I've berated myself for long enough. I've pointed fingers for long enough.

Now, it's time to live.

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