Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I'm So Giddy, I Don't Even Know Where To Begin...

.:Finally, Courage:.

I knew I hurt her with my insensitivity. I knew she would just let it slide like she always lets all my faults slide lately, but I truly wanted to make up for it.

That's why I went to her house. I know I'm not welcome there. Her parents would have a fit if they found out I was just there outside their gate.

But I just needed three minutes to let her know how I felt about her. Three simple minutes. And so I carried with me cartolinas I cut in half. I don't know what I ate, but I mustered up the courage to do a gesture I thought I'd end up doing for someone else.

I ask myself, why did I do it for my Beloved and not for anyone else? Is it because of the timing? Is it because she watched “Love Actually”? Whatever could have possessed me to do something like this?

Well, I figured the reason out for myself on my way to her house: it was because she was worth the effort, and not anybody else. It was a gesture I had in my heart for the longest time, simply awaiting the person it was meant for, the person who actually deserves it.

It's not just a gesture you casually throw away to people just because you said “I love you” to them. It's an act that you would only do for someone worth doing it for, because once you do it for them, there is no turning back, and any subsequently similar gestures for other people would not hold the same meaning anymore.

And so I didn't hesitate to write down what I wanted to tell her on those cartolinas, and I made it a point to write a bit more legibly than I usually do. I first handed her three red roses, then called her attention to the first card...

Throw away the roses if you want, but a few things you need to know...

1. I understand I hurt you. I promise I will give you your space after this.

2. You are a wonderful and special person to me in and by yourself.

3. I love you so much.

4. ONLY you.

5. Sometimes, I say the most insensitive...

6. ... and most stupid things.

7. =(

8. I'm sorry. I hope in time, you can forgive me.

9. You mean the world to me. You are my world.

10. Have I mentioned that I LOVE YOU?!?

I know my pleas haven't fallen on deaf ears. I know by now, more than ever, she knows how much I truly love her, and I know it frustrates her as much as it does me that her parents have been getting in the way again. I know she and I will fight for this despite her parents when the time is right, but that time is not now.

I pray that she doesn't give up on us, even only for the meantime. She asked me to wait for her, and I will, because she's worth waiting for. I thank God for every single day she is with me, because I know deep in my heart that I love her in a million and one ways, and even a lifetime with her won't be enough.

So sue me. I'm a hopeless romantic. I've had my heart broken many times in the past, but I ignore all of that because I know she's worth it, and what makes this just work out so much more is that she feels as well that I'm worth it. I never asked her to defend me when her mom wanted me to leave their house, but she did. I would never expect her to fight for this relationship with her parents, and yet, I know she continually takes steps to ensure that both of us would be in a position to do that when the time comes.

Now you know it. I am in love. And I have fallen far deeper, far more than I have ever expected myself to. Well, guess what? I'm cherishing every minute that I am feeling this way.

She's been very guarded for the most part all this time, and yet at the end of the day, she has really learned to let go more and more each day. She's been finding it in herself to take a chance and to believe that this could work out. That, in and by itself, is worthy of admiration. It is no mean feat to just go out there and stick your neck into something this big, and something that could end up hurting either or both of us.

By no means would I say we're a perfect couple. We argue a lot, we don't see eye to eye on a load of things, and we definitely have equally short tempers. And yet, for some reason, the universe conspires to make sure that only one of us would be in a foul mood while the other would be there to keep the peace. Through her, I've learned to back down, to give in, and to stop keeping score. It's so unlike me. I know I've always been stubborn, I know I use past events to maintain the moral high ground in arguments, but when it comes to her, I just don't see the reason why I have to. I find it simpler and more helpful to just admit I'm wrong, which is something I really don't do. “Pride” is my middle name, after all, and yet, because of her, it's not quite the same.

I love her. She is a wonderful person in and by herself, and she is of no peer in the way she makes me feel. For the longest time, she's had a hard time telling me how she feels about me, and I know it's a huge leap of faith for her to tell me anything and let the so-called evidence stay with me. She wouldn't let me keep any letters she's written for me, it's a Herculean effort for her to say something like she misses me via SMS. So you just have no idea how much it meant to me when I got this...

... it occurred to me that I don't have a type anymore. You're my type. More specifically, just you. I am committed to you and I love you. I don't think I need anyone else.

I love her. I know I have so many shortcomings and iniquities, but I continually wish to be a better man for her because she brings out the best in me. She's been a positive influence in my life, and I can only pray that she would continue to bear with me because while I can't change overnight, she knows I still want to better myself for her.

Thank you so much for making me feel like the most special man on Earth, my Beloved. Of all the people in this world you can love, you choose me: a man who can offer little more than love, devotion, and a drive to be better. I don't have the looks you search for, nor the gravitas, nor *shudders* the fashion sense, nor the *shudders more* temperament. Yet despite all of that, you chose to love me, and all I know is that I want to find more and more ways to love you and to make you feel that I do.

A happy first monthsary to us. I know you hate celebrating something that seems so fleeting, and I know it was last Sunday and not today, but it matters to me that I shout it out to the world that I am yours, despite the lack of titles.

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