Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I knew I hurt her with my insensitivity. I knew she would just let it slide like she always lets all my faults slide lately, but I truly wanted to make up for it.
That's why I went to her house. I know I'm not welcome there. Her parents would have a fit if they found out I was just there outside their gate.
But I just needed three minutes to let her know how I felt about her. Three simple minutes. And so I carried with me cartolinas I cut in half. I don't know what I ate, but I mustered up the courage to do a gesture I thought I'd end up doing for someone else.
I ask myself, why did I do it for my Beloved and not for anyone else? Is it because of the timing? Is it because she watched “Love Actually”? Whatever could have possessed me to do something like this?
Well, I figured the reason out for myself on my way to her house: it was because she was worth the effort, and not anybody else. It was a gesture I had in my heart for the longest time, simply awaiting the person it was meant for, the person who actually deserves it.
It's not just a gesture you casually throw away to people just because you said “I love you” to them. It's an act that you would only do for someone worth doing it for, because once you do it for them, there is no turning back, and any subsequently similar gestures for other people would not hold the same meaning anymore.
And so I didn't hesitate to write down what I wanted to tell her on those cartolinas, and I made it a point to write a bit more legibly than I usually do. I first handed her three red roses, then called her attention to the first card...
Throw away the roses if you want, but a few things you need to know...
1. I understand I hurt you. I promise I will give you your space after this.
2. You are a wonderful and special person to me in and by yourself.
3. I love you so much.
4. ONLY you.
5. Sometimes, I say the most insensitive...
6. ... and most stupid things.
8. I'm sorry. I hope in time, you can forgive me.
9. You mean the world to me. You are my world.
10. Have I mentioned that I LOVE YOU?!?
I know my pleas haven't fallen on deaf ears. I know by now, more than ever, she knows how much I truly love her, and I know it frustrates her as much as it does me that her parents have been getting in the way again. I know she and I will fight for this despite her parents when the time is right, but that time is not now.
I pray that she doesn't give up on us, even only for the meantime. She asked me to wait for her, and I will, because she's worth waiting for. I thank God for every single day she is with me, because I know deep in my heart that I love her in a million and one ways, and even a lifetime with her won't be enough.
So sue me. I'm a hopeless romantic. I've had my heart broken many times in the past, but I ignore all of that because I know she's worth it, and what makes this just work out so much more is that she feels as well that I'm worth it. I never asked her to defend me when her mom wanted me to leave their house, but she did. I would never expect her to fight for this relationship with her parents, and yet, I know she continually takes steps to ensure that both of us would be in a position to do that when the time comes.
Now you know it. I am in love. And I have fallen far deeper, far more than I have ever expected myself to. Well, guess what? I'm cherishing every minute that I am feeling this way.
She's been very guarded for the most part all this time, and yet at the end of the day, she has really learned to let go more and more each day. She's been finding it in herself to take a chance and to believe that this could work out. That, in and by itself, is worthy of admiration. It is no mean feat to just go out there and stick your neck into something this big, and something that could end up hurting either or both of us.
By no means would I say we're a perfect couple. We argue a lot, we don't see eye to eye on a load of things, and we definitely have equally short tempers. And yet, for some reason, the universe conspires to make sure that only one of us would be in a foul mood while the other would be there to keep the peace. Through her, I've learned to back down, to give in, and to stop keeping score. It's so unlike me. I know I've always been stubborn, I know I use past events to maintain the moral high ground in arguments, but when it comes to her, I just don't see the reason why I have to. I find it simpler and more helpful to just admit I'm wrong, which is something I really don't do. “Pride” is my middle name, after all, and yet, because of her, it's not quite the same.
I love her. She is a wonderful person in and by herself, and she is of no peer in the way she makes me feel. For the longest time, she's had a hard time telling me how she feels about me, and I know it's a huge leap of faith for her to tell me anything and let the so-called evidence stay with me. She wouldn't let me keep any letters she's written for me, it's a Herculean effort for her to say something like she misses me via SMS. So you just have no idea how much it meant to me when I got this...
... it occurred to me that I don't have a type anymore. You're my type. More specifically, just you. I am committed to you and I love you. I don't think I need anyone else.
I love her. I know I have so many shortcomings and iniquities, but I continually wish to be a better man for her because she brings out the best in me. She's been a positive influence in my life, and I can only pray that she would continue to bear with me because while I can't change overnight, she knows I still want to better myself for her.
Thank you so much for making me feel like the most special man on Earth, my Beloved. Of all the people in this world you can love, you choose me: a man who can offer little more than love, devotion, and a drive to be better. I don't have the looks you search for, nor the gravitas, nor *shudders* the fashion sense, nor the *shudders more* temperament. Yet despite all of that, you chose to love me, and all I know is that I want to find more and more ways to love you and to make you feel that I do.
A happy first monthsary to us. I know you hate celebrating something that seems so fleeting, and I know it was last Sunday and not today, but it matters to me that I shout it out to the world that I am yours, despite the lack of titles.
I've never felt more like you're not over her than now. I feel like I'm just an extension of what you had with her. I guess this is the leveling off I needed over how I felt today. I'm not mad or anything. Don't feel bad din that I feel bad. I just need you to leave me alone for a while. I'll text you when I'm over it. Good night. This is a message you should keep.
.:Lyrically Speaking Scribbles, Volume 5:.
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
It seems to always be the case that when the going is good, you just have to say something stupid to secure yourself back in the doghouse.
I said too much again
You really should learn to keep my mouth shut. This isn't the first time this happened. Your mouth has written a check your @$$ can't encash. Saying “I'm sorry” can only do so much. The damage has been done, and now, you practically undid all the progress you've made for the day...
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
A date, a phone conversation, anything. Kel just keeps on letting his mouth run off and just ruin everything. His one shot at making this work, and he keeps on screwing it up just when the going is good. The shadow hanging over his head refuses to go away, and he knows it's because he perpetuates it and continually acknowledges its existence.
She said, “Well anyway...”
Just dying for a subject change
At this point, the conversation is dead. What else can you say to each other? You hurt her feelings again. Now, she feels little more than an extension of your past, when here you are, trying to build a future around and with her.
Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me
Way to go, Kel. You just shot yourself in the foot.
How could I forget?
Mama said, “Think before speaking”
One would suppose conversations lasting eight or so hours tend to keep you from thinking straight, but that's no excuse for making the girl who makes you feel like the luckiest man on Earth with her love like some kind of a second fiddle.
That's not what she is to you. She means the world to you, Kel.
She is your world.
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing!
I guess he better find one soon
Yes. You had better. For your own sake.
We bit our lips, she looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
That's that. You should've bitten your lip sooner. That might have kept this whole mess from happening.
I played a quick game of chess with the
Salt and pepper shaker
Skirt the issue all you want, but at the end of the day, you blew this one. One can only hope this isn't your last chance, but it could very well be...
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
It's an eggshell you now have to dance on. The more of these that come along, the less there is to say.
Between what was good, what just
Slipped out and what went wrong
You really couldn't have picked a better time to muck things up...
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again
You've got a long way to go to make up for this. It never fails. Instead of making her feel like the wonderful, special person that she is, you make her feel that she's as good as anyone else and there's nothing about her that you can't find in any other girl out there.
I'm never speaking up again, it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
You have to learn to keep your mouth shut when the going is good. She finally told you she loves you. She's beginning to understand how hard she's fallen after all this time.
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
How much are you willing to bet that you still would?
One more thing...
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
Kel can't do otherwise. When he finds someone worth giving his all to, he holds nothing back.
But its all because of this desire
Passion is not a crutch.
I just wanna be liked, I just wanna be funn
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
Well, isn't that the way it always goes? The road to Hades is paved with good intentions...
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
Won't you, really?
I visited Don Bosco yesterday to see how things were going, and it looks like the Foundation Day celebrations won't be until Thursday. Well, no worries. I was just awfully glad to have found the time to see my high school Alma Mater again, and it was cool doing a bit of Liquid Metal for them.
I have officially destroyed over a hundred forks at this point already... hehehe. It's worth it.
Last night, I was at the Chua residence #1 (Bautista.), and it was just a gathering with friends for pizza, conversation, and videoke.
The attendance was Ranulf, Mario, Clair, Charo, Peppy, and someone I met for the first time named Eugene.
That being said, Sacha was the host, and of course, Tita Harvey, Tito John, and Kathy were around as well.
Dinner was very sumptuous and I did a little bit of magic, but the highlight of the night was most definitely the videoke session. We sang songs we never sang before, such as “Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin”, and “I Honestly Love You” in my case.
For the most part, we really had an awesome lineup of songs, and we had a great time as Mario was melting at the cuteness overload from the girls. It was overall a great get-together, and I managed to bond with Sacha when I was worrying a bit about my situation with my Beloved. It was great that I managed to spend time with them, and I'm sure gonna miss Sach once she comes back home this Friday.
.:A Few Words For Bessie: A Sent Letter:.
Don't worry about me too much when I tell you I sometimes can't reach you when I really need to talk to you. I understand you perfectly well. I really do. =)
It's hard to keep in touch with friends when you're buried in work. I know that all too well, particularly since I usually end up getting sick when I do that for you guys, and end up taking more leaves I shouldn't have. Hehe. Nonetheless, it's not a big deal.
I know you'd still be my friend whether or not you're going to always be there for me when I need you. You're my best friend, and when it counts, you've always found ways to help me out of any pickle or jam I find myself in.
So don't worry, my dear. I'm here for you, and you or I being overtly busy, cranky, stressed, tired, or plain lazy won't change that. That's what friends are for.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I apologize for the lack of linkage in the posts. I guess that's an excuse for the people I mentioned by name to give me their URL's so I can edit this post to do just that. Hehehehe. Please don't kill me. I had to rush to write this post... =P
And so I met up with Jonas around two in the afternoon yesterday so we can haul ourselves to the Blog Parteeh. Jonas and I had a pretty good idea who the guests would be, so we knew what we'd be expecting for the most part.
We got to the venue after being lost for a while because while we had a map, but we forgot to take note of the actual street address. Even then, it wasn't so bad, and when we got there, there were a lot of people already. It was pretty cool meeting different bloggers, although of course, it was a bit difficult breaking the ice because there was a significant number of people whom neither of us knew.
With the party in progress, we had a few notable personalities like Mr. Abe Olandres, Mr. Migz Paras, Ms. Janette Toral, and so forth. It was really fun at my table, as I ran into one of Bessie-Moo's friends, Benj. Links to follow, once I start finding each of their sites, since I'm sooooo not savvy at that.
While things were just getting started, Jonas and I were talking about how detailed my blogging about “Sana Maulit Muli” has been lately, and how amusing it was that I was having an LSS with Kim Chiu's Whisper commercial. All throughout, they were flashing blogs on the projector screen, and at some point, they managed to hand out gift certificates to Bubba Gump, and even an original DVD set of Star Wars, to which Rico, one of the organizers, asked the winner:
Rico: So. Is this your first original DVD?
That got a load of laughs.
That being said, it didn't take long before I got settled in and I started bringing out the decks of cards to do a little bit of card magic for the people. While people were eating and chatting along merrily, our table was having a bit of a magic convention as apparently, I wasn't the only guy at the table who knew magic. After a while, one of the steering committee saw me going at a bit of card magic, and he asked me if I was ready to perform anything for intermission. I was carrying my materials with me, as I knew I just had to be prepared...
So after a few minutes, they called me on to do an impromptu magic show. I didn't really keep it too long, as I decided to use only three effects: the lightning box, the four-dimensional mind read, and of course, Liquid Metal. I got a lot of great reactions from the last one, which was exactly what I anticipated. I always wanted to perform magic for an audience that didn't expect it at all, and the element of surprise just really allowed me to delight most of them. ^_^
As I always say, it was all about entertaining the audience, and I know I did that. They especially found it funny when I made that crack that my coin trick is known as the “Presidential Trick”, and at that moment, I made the coin disappear. Well, looks like political humor works on them. Ahahaha. That was the second biggest reaction throughout the routine, next only to the much-ballyhooed Liquid Metal bit.
After the magic show, we had raffles galore, and I won a clutch bag. I didn't win any donuts or the I-Pod, sadly, but I guess it's okay. At least I won something... hehehe. From that point on, the ice was broken, and I didn't feel so awkward around a lot of strangers, as the ice was definitely broken from then on, which really helped me get through the party without that usual shy feeling I get around strangers.
I wouldn't say I was the party's attraction, as I would attribute that to one of two: the I-Pod, won by AJ (Hope I got your name right.) and Bro. Bo Sanchez. I'm just glad I managed to make people happy while I was at it, because that's what mattered most to me. If I don't make anyone happy with my magic, then no matter how good I get, there's no point to doing it.
After the party and after a few more performances here and there, I plucked up the courage to approach Brother Bo so I can show him Liquid Metal. Boy, it was a rush, and for the first time, I was very much conscious I was being videotaped, and I had to make sure I did really well with this one...
In any case, it was an awesome party with awesome people. I hope stuff like this can really happen more often, because I'm very, very proud to be a blogger for the past four or so years. =)
.:Hanging Out With The Story Circle:.
Well, apparently, they do tests for their members, which made me thankful I wasn't a member. I'd hate to be evaluated that way by even more people, when hearing from sir Bing should be more than enough verbal castration already.
That being said, I got videotaped when I crashed a table for them as well. I did a pretty good job with using a bit of mind-reading to do my magic, since I was pretty sure they've seen all the sleights they needed to see from the rest of TSC. It was all good, nonetheless, as I was still in a magical mood, since I barely scratched the surface when I was at the Blog Parteeh.
After my table-crashing, I just taught one of the guys how to play Magic: The Gathering, which turned out pretty well. It wasn't so hard teaching him how to play, as the decks he had were pretty conducive to getting to know the basics.
Friday, January 26, 2007
What Would Superman Do?
Ganked this from someone on Scans Daily.
.:Exhausted, But Happy:.
Money flow has been a lot more liquid, and now, I must say I haven't been this happy since an entire year.
It's amazing how it works out that two fiery tempers can give way for each other such that it never happens that both are in a foul mood at the same time.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Have any of you guys seen that really repulsive PCSO commercial? The one where someone is singing and thanking PCSO for its "love" and "caress"? The one with videos upon videos of GMA doing charity work, as if they weren't politicking enough without having to pollute my television?
Ugh. Can't they just get off my TV? The politicking is so annoying already and I can't help but change the channel in disgust when that idiotic commercial comes on. It's shameless, it's tacky, and somebody should really shoot the advertising agency that makes these commercials.
.:The Oscar Nominees Are Out...:.
Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for his role in "Blood Diamond", but not in "The Departed". I somehow feel that the former is his weaker role of the two, and so I am inclined to think it's going to be Forrest Whitaker who gets the win.
I am so rooting for Marky Mark to win the Best Supporting Actor category. He was awesome in "The Departed", and the role he played wasn't even important at all in the Hong Kong original, "Infernal Affairs"! He gave life to an otherwise throwaway character, and I was rooting for him all the way until the end. Who'd have thought Mark Wahlberg would be an Oscar contender after being a rapper and an underwear model?
"The Prestige" is nominated in two categories, and I hope it would win at least one. Despite the hype, it is still a better film than "The Illusionist", by my estimate.
"Happy Feet" had better win in the best animated film category...
And of course, out of all the films there, I want "The Departed" to win in the best film category...
Well, let's see how the Academy tallies up. Heh.
.:More Sana Maulit Muli:.
Tristan is in a time flux right now and he sees events playing out the second time around, but this time, he has knowledge of things that have happened in the past.
Jasmine died in his arms, and he was willing to go through the pain and misery of having her die, so he struck a deal with Death to turn back time for a second chance to do things right, but he is warned that he cannot and should not change what has been decreed to happen.
He defies Death, but in doing so, events are thrown awry. It's similar, but it's no longer the same. Subtle differences, as if entering an entirely different universe, have been materializing. Jasmine is repulsed by Tristan because he comes on too strong. Camille may turn out to be the real Poknat this time around, and not Jasmine. Tristan's actions have been changing a lot of things, but Death reminds him that it won't save Jasmine's life, and that's precisely the problem. In his attempt to change everything, he's just making things worse.
I love the song "Sana Maulit Muli". It speaks volumes of why for the longest time, I refused to give up in the face of adversity, but as we clearly see, even turning back the clock with the knowledge of how things play out may simply not be enough to set things right.
I ask myself what it truly entails to be given a second chance. Do second chances really have any weight, to begin with? Or are a good deal of them just futile attempts at recapturing lightning in a bottle? The moment has passed, and if even turning back the clock to set things right can instead set things into disarray, what then for those who can't even do that?
I ask myself if I would ask to turn back the clock to relive moments with someone, even if the result would still be the same no matter what I attempt to change. I ask myself, for whom would I do this? Would I just do it for anyone, or only for one or two people?
Am I willing to go through things a second time around? Maybe I wasn't understanding enough, maybe I wasn't kind enough, maybe I didn't give enough? Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe I could've done things differently. Maybe I could've loved more. Maybe I could've loved less.
I don't know. I can't know. That's the beauty and curse of reality. I only get one shot at making things right, and if I blow it, my chance has passed me by, but my life hasn't. There will be other opportunities to set things right, in whatever shape or form they may come.
Do I want to turn back the time now? At this point, I may actually have to say "no". The present and the future has little to do with the past at this point, not by my own choice, but nonetheless, it is the case, and somehow, I doubt turning back the clock, or even erasing my memories ala "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" would change any of that.
It is enough that I have loved and I have loved truly. If I cannot gain the same boon in return, I cannot fault the other person, much less expect.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
If you're a blogger, then this one's for you! Happening this Saturday, 27 January, 2007!
Taken from The Official Site:
What: Blog Parteeh! 2007
When: January 27, 2007 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.
6th Floor (Poolside Area)
Classica Tower 2 Condominium
HV dela Costa St., Salcedo Village,
Makati City 1200
I've been blogging for about long enough
I've gone through good times and rough
Sometimes it's cool to hang out, talk shop
With fellow bloggers, so this is the stop
I can write about my blogging history
But who'd care about that but me?
Methinks it's more interesting to see
A rapping plug about the Blog Parteeh
Happening this Saturday, just so you know
Be there or be square, go, go, go
If you're a blogger, then go say so!
If you miss out on this, that'd just blow.
Now's the time for this blogger to unwind
If I missed this party, I'd be outta my mind
This is a rarity, this is one of a kind
Blog Parteeh 2007, what a find!
This event is sponsored by: Sheero Media Solutions, MyJournal Philippines, FeedText, Inc., Migs Paraz, A Bugged Life, The Blog Herald, b5media blog network, About My Recovery, Pinoy.Tech.Blog, Enthropia, Inc., Krispy Kreme Philippines, GMA New Media, Awesome Philippines, Codamon.com, Boracay.com.ph, Recipes.com.ph, WebMaster.com.ph, Bouncing Red Ball, Bo Sanchez, Microwarehouse Inc.
Marc Javellana, Bubba Gump, e-YellowPages, Adobe User Group - Philippines, Weddings @ Work, Google Philippines, Hinge Inquirer Publications, Andrew dela Serna
Well, I'll be there. I hope. My e-mail's at firstname.lastname@example.org, just in case.
Monday, January 22, 2007
... I am absoluely loving the television show, "Sana Maulit Muli"? I find the story very gripping and interesting.
I wanna watch more. Haha.
And so I was booked to do walk-around for six straight hours in Mapua, and I must admit, it was really something I was pretty excited about.
I got there around twenty minutes before noon, and Carlo, my contact for the day, was fairly accommodating despite looking obviously harassed from the frenetic pace of their foundation day activities. Nonetheless, I got there and prepared myself for a pretty long day, and I had to make sure that I was going to be adroit all the way.
Lemme digress a bit. Hmmm.... “adroit”. I think that's my new pet word... hehehe.
Anyways, after prepping myself, loading up on a few forks, and determining what my basic routine would be, Carlo followed me around with video camera in hand for my first two stops, and when I started off, the audience would only be the booth I was performing for. So at least, fairly manageable audience, right? Well, at least, that's how it started off...
After my third or fourth walk-around, people were catching on that there was a street magician around, and they'd ask me to go and perform at their booth, some of them would joke around with me, but most startling of all, they'd practically swarm me, and it was an adrenaline rush to be performing for at least two hundred people, forming five circles around me, making me completely surrounded and rendering all my angle-sensitive effects moot. Or does it? The audience practically misdirect themselves! Haha. :P
Imagine the feeling of performing for three people in one minute, for twenty the next, for fifty the next, and for two hundred or so people within four minutes. Anything you do, all eyes are on you. Every single move, every single actuation, it's all visible. People cheer wildly, girls scream, hecklers pass by to warn people to keep an eye on their wallets, but it's all good. The adrenaline just drives me to perform, to the point that even after my finale of Liquid Metal,they simply refuse to let me go back and recuperate at my post, and wouldn't mind seeing my openers again, since most of the audience weren't there when I started.
When I was at the organizer's HQ, the organizers asked me to do a bit of magic for them as well. More or less, I did a bit of mind-reading, and bent even more forks, and then showed them a demo of card handling, not that I was particularly amazing at it. Anyways, at one point, one of the organizers showed her friend what I accomplished with a fork. I overheard him from a distance saying he doesn't believe in magic and thinks that he can do whatever I can do with the forks, and then he approached me.
That was my cue to floor him with Liquid Metal. He sheepishly grinned and said “Pare, nawala pagkalalake ko sa'yo”, the moment I asked him to take out the corkscrew bend from the fork. I don't care how much he works out, I was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be able to unbend that corkscrew... hehe.
My last run was at a booth where there were lots of girls. I had my biggest audience for the day, and the biggest reactions of all because I did all the routines that mattered. The forks were bent, the minds were read, and at the end of the day, there were so many of them who were asking me for my phone number. Heh. Some of them are still texting me every now and then, and it's been very encouraging to know I did a good job.
All in a day's work.
Joined my first ever Type II Magic Tournament, and I didn't do too well in Limited, sadly. I went only 1-3, but regardless, I did pretty well since I had a fairly good intuition as to what cards should ideally go into a deck, although I guess I could've done better.
Afterwards, I met up with Elbert and Estelle to watch Night At The Museum, then passed by Coffee Bean to drop off Elbert, where Vin asked me to do a bit of magic for Sage, who positively loved Liquid Metal... hehehe.
I capped off my day by hanging out with the Story Circle a bit, which was really cool.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Here's a song that I wish was written a year ago...
Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this though my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared
I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you’re the best girl on Earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long
Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye
There are moments I'm taken aback how people can take things casually and not miss a beat. But I guess that's to be expected when all you ever really had was a shallow connection. It's hard to make something out of nothing.
Still, at least, by my view, the good outweighs the bad. Too bad it doesn't cut both ways, when hindsight speaks in the opposite direction in other cases.
.:On Love And Being In Love:.
Sometimes, I wonder what I would rather have if I can't have both.
Would I rather someone were in love with me, but didn't love me?
Or would I rather that someone simply loves me, but wasn't in love with me?
There's a big, big difference between the two, and they may or may not be mutually exclusive, depending on the situation.
When you love someone, you care about their welfare and look after their happiness. Loving someone entails some measure of commitment, and to be honest, that's why I'm not too uneasy when a friend tells me that they love me, because I know exactly what it means. Because I love my friends. I care about them a lot, and I know I want to see them happy.
When someone tells me that they stick out with me because they feel great when they see me happy, I'm a bit put off, particularly when I see that person romantically. Such a way of thinking would easily mean they are either one (Loving you.) or the other (In love with you.), but most likely not both.
I've been on both sides of the equation, and I still can't quite determine what I'd rather have. Is it possible to learn to fall in love with someone? Can loving someone even after the illusions of being in love with that person have been stripped away be possible? Either proposition seems to be a tall order, and I'm a bit unnerved when thinking about it.
What makes it ironic is that despite the uncertainty when someone isn't in love with you but loves you, this is the most secure place to be in a relationship. The drawback is that in some cases, it can be argued that stable = stagnant.
In contrast, when you are in a relationship with someone madly in love with you, you thrive on extreme highs and extreme lows, which results in an unstable and rapidly burning out relationship if nothing deeper is established. But the tradeoff is when you thrive, oh how you thrive!
All I know for certain is that I do not know. But I am more than happy to find out.
Ah, so many odd conflicts and quirks and interactions.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
It was gruesome and disturbing, but beyond that? Meh.
Movies as so-so like these keep me from wanting to write good movie reviews again...
I fond the time to just hang out with Sacha as I was hoping to secure a permit in Greenbelt to do magic, although I did have a few problems achieving that since they apparently needed a letter of intent, and my odds of getting a permit were pretty low...
In any case, Sach and I hung out for most of the day, although I was a bit ruffled because we went from mall to mall and I wasn't exactly 100% because of the stuff I've been going through with work and whatnot.
So we went to Greenbelt, then headed to Greenhills where Sach looked from place to place for clothes, and she never really found anything she liked. Then, Shang-rila, then Starmall, and there was a detour to Megamall at some point there. We really got around, but at the end of the day, she found books, not clothes. No big deal, since I guess what mattered was Sach and I managed to bond with each other.
I'm very happy because I haven't had time with Sach like this in about a year. It's as if we never really lost touch despite the fact that we've been apart. Hooray for the wonders of the internet.
From jokes to conversations to magic to everything, being with one of my best friends is always an adventure.
After the whole thing, I took her home, and then after I visited Krisette at her house, I ended up taking a cab to sleep over at Elbert's. It's been a while since I last got to hang out with him, and I mean that in a perfectly heterosexual way. Seriously though, El was extremely lethargic for the most part, and it rubbed off on me. I was just so tempted to sleep all day long, and thankfully, Estelle shook me out of it, as we ended up bowling, which was real cool. I also met up with Bruce and Mart, and even Peachy, and so I ended up doing a bit of magic for them as well. Liquid Metal seems to be a guaranteed hit whenever I do it... haha.
Anyways, it was a pretty good time spent with a good deal of my best friends. The weekend was spent well with them... I hope they enjoyed my company as well.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
As a kid, I read Archie comics a lot. It was formative to my personality, as I incorporated a lot of the personality I got from that comic book into how I am, even to this day. I eat like Jughead, I'm (sometimes) girl-crazy like Archie, I'm (sometimes) malevolent like Reggie, I'm (sometimes) a doormat like Betty, and I'm nerdy/geeky like Dilton.
I love Archie comics. I've been a fan for years, and whenever I have the chance, I still read it. There's nothing quite like enjoying an Archie misadventure as he tries to juggle Betty and Veronica on a date at the same time, or a story about Jughead running away from Big Ethel. It's been done a million times in a million different ways, but it never got old.
So it's quite a surprise to me that they are making this change:
Whoa. Did I just see Archie's art style turn "realistic"? Even worse, don't Betty and Veronica look absolutely anorexic? I shudder to think how Jughead would look like, but I'm very skeptical about the direction of both the art and the "longer, more realistic stories" they are touting.
How do you make plain ol' Archie "realistic"? Teenage pregnancy? On-panel drug abuse? Homosexuality issues? CONTINUITY?!? Because seriously, if you're just going to go the route of love stories and draw them out instead of making Archie Comics funny, you're going to alienate the strong fanbase Archie has who enjoy Archie comics for who they are: one-dimensional characters that are putty for entertaining and often funny stories...
They already turned Sabrina into a manga, and while that worked, that's because the stories were inherently the same, and the quirky art is just a matter of opinion. Now, with the new Archie line, they're touting not only the new art style, but the new direction of storylines. Gah. Color me skeptical.
.:If You're Going To Do Something, Do It Right, Or DON'T DO IT AT ALL!:.
If you want to be friends with me, then be friends with me. Don't give me a half-baked excuse for "friendship" and then cry foul when I call you on it. I'm not the one with issues about the past, apparently.
If you want to give me the details about your relationships that I don't necessarily want or need to know, can you spare me your self-righteous act that you so like to tout only for me to discover from a friend I introduced to you that you've been lying through your teeth to me all this time?
As your friend, I didn't need to know these details, but you encouraged me to ask and told me you'd be up front with me.
Instead, you lied to me, and to me, it's not even the fact that you've done these things, to which I will just say it's normal and perfectly natural, but to which I would say you didn't have to effing lie to me about them.
Spare me the details. I guess now I know why I haven't been too compelled to talk to you for the longest time.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Jay and I talked about it, and we decided that it'd be a good idea that we'd come together as a Mondo Magic-ish tandem and do street magic on camera in hopes that someone would catch on and like our material. It's going to take some coordination and a load of effort on our parts, but I have to say that I'm very confident of our prospects here.
So far, we've talked about it when we met in Eastwood today, and I think this is going to really work out well, since our routines are so radically different that it's not going to be a problem if we did magic in the same area. He's better with card magic and mentalism, I'm better at forks, coin, and ring magic. Even our patter styles are widely different.
Well, let's hope that “Kel and Jay” get to tear down the house. Next thing you know, one of us is gonna get mauled by a white tiger. Haha.
.:When In Town...:.
Well, both Abby and Sacha are in town for a while before classes go back and so forth, so it was really great that I managed to meet up with them.
Abby and I met up at Seattle's Best by Megamall, and just really talked about things, for the most part. I must say that I had loads of fun talking to her, and she definitely enjoyed seeing the stuff I do for shows, especially, so it seems, the fork.
Afterwards, we went shopping for a cellular phone, so we ended up going around St. Francis Square.
Last Saturday, I ended up hanging out with Sacha and the JGL at Tsoko Nut in SM Makati, which was really awesome, since it's been ages since I've seen a good chunk of the JGL. Estelle was with me, and she got along just fabulously with the JGL.
What was amusing was that on top of the time we spent together, I ended up being approached by someone who seems to have noticed my magic show, and asked for my calling card. I have to say that moments like these remind me why I do what I do...
During that night, I tagged along with Estelle to see a night of Pyrolympics, which, while cool, really tired me out especially when they made me game master of a mano a mano challenge... gah.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
1) PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR:
2) FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED:
Chinatown. Not really new, but I found a shop that sells seedless Kiamoy for so cheap...
3) PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES:
Greenbelt, Shangrila, Megamall, Glorietta, Gateway. I especially am not fond of the first and the last one...
4) FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR:
5) PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN (OR MORE) THIS YEAR:
Lots of places. I don't particularly want to specify...
1) PERSON/S WHO TAUGHT YOU ALOT THIS YEAR:
Elbert and Estelle. You learn something new everyday. Mr. Bing, in his magic shop.
2) AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR:
Johan and April, I guess.
3) PERSON/S WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF:
Estelle, who spent 23 letters detailing what she appreciated about me.
4) PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT):
Estelle, for the 23 letters I got for my birthday...
5) PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR:
Elbert and Estelle, for obvious reasons.
6) PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT):
Elbert. I relearned magic and did a magic show for him...
7) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR:
Most of my friends whom I haven't seen except once or twice this year, like Jaded or Christelle. I don't feel too bad about not talking to Willow or Addy Dy anymore.
8) SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH:
Rowena. And Jay Mata. And Mr. Bing.
9) OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR:
10) SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR:
11) PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR:
The ex, the non-fling, the no-strings, and my Beloved.
12) PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST:
13) PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY:
14) PERSON/S WHO YOU DISLIKE WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH:
15) PERSON YOU HAD A CRUSH ON THE ENTIRE YEAR:
The Beloved, I guess...
16) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO:
Nope. I've apologized to all those whom I needed to apologize to...
17) PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH:
Rachel, Gyn, Rowena, Moon, April. Most of these were “dates”, though. They shouldn't really count. Haha.
18) FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH ALOT:
Elbert, Estelle, April, Johan, Clair, Hrbs, Krisette.
19) COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR:
Umm... Mick Foley and Estelle.
1) CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE MOST THIS YEAR:
2) NICEST PRESENT/S YOU GOT THIS YEAR:
Well, as Jackson 5 put it, “give love on Christmas day”...
3) FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR:
“Choose”, by Mojofly. “Irreplaceable”, by Beyonce? “So Sick”, by Ne-Yo? I had a lot of old/remade songs that I especially liked this year though, thanks to lots of videoke. “Di Ako Bakla”, by Michael V. Haha.
4) COOLEST EVENT/S FOR THE YEAR:
I hosted the WWE Smackdown Press Conference.
5) NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR:
I became a magician.
6) BEST BOOK/S OF THE YEAR:
7) BEST MOVIE/S:
The Prestige, The Departed.
8) MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Kurt Angle went to TNA.
9) FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR:
Sbarro's, I guess. If not, then Pao Tsin. Haha. Whatta cheapskate.
10) FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:
Ne-Yo, most likely.
1) WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Opened my eyes.
2) STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
Let someone trample on my heart for too long.
3) BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR:
The new magic career.
4) BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR:
Finding gigs and breaking even.
5) SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY:
That being in love and loving someone isn't the same thing.
6) GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED ABOUT:
Love and heartbreak.
7) BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR:
That Elbert and Peppy are straight.
8) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:
When people who claim they'd be there forever turn their backs on you and act like cowards.
9) BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR:
I found a sideline that paid even more than my main job.
10) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD:
That it owes me nothing.
11) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL:
That they can depress you one moment and then make you unbelievably happy the next.
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Get out of the graveyard and really move on up in the magician circles.
2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR:
I will give my all in whatever it is I want to do. A politician will switch allegiance to and from GMA. Bush will say something stupid. Undertaker won't lose at Wrestlemania.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Get “laid”. Hahahahahaha. R-ight.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions.
This year though, I resolve to do more street magic as often as I can.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 28, December 25, and subsequently, 28.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Becoming a professional magician.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Obviously, the ex.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Quite a bit, mostly due to lack of sleep.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My magic collection.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rowena. She's learning to meet people halfway after years of it being her way or the highway.
13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
I won't mention the name, but it's obvious that the sudden turnaround for someone who claimed to care really depressed me.
14. Where did most of your money go?
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being told that she likes me, after months of not feeling that way... It was a nice way to end the year.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
“So Sick”, by Ne-Yo. “Unwell”, by Matchbox Twenty. Lots of songs, really. Curse of a DJ...
Oh, and “Di Ako Bakla”, by Michael V.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? It balanced out.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Refusing to back down when I should. Whether from arguments, or from trouble, or whatever else.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it with the family, but exchanged text messages with my Beloved.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
23. How many one-night stands?
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Ummm... RAW and Smackdown. Pinoy Dream Academy.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
None. Hate is too strong a word. Disappointed, yes.
26. What was the best book you read?
The Prestige. Harry Potter, if it was this year, was meh.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Michael V., John Legend, APO Hiking Society (More like rediscovery with this one.)
28. What did you want and get?
Friends like Elbert and Estelle.
29. What did you want and not get?
A new main career.
30. Favorite film of this year?
The Prestige, The Departed.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I just hung out with friends. It was stormy then, so I also climbed up 26 floors to get to my condo after the whole thing...
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Closure. At this point, I don't think I'd wish to have still been with the ex. Not when I see how it could be so much better... not when in so many ways, it already is.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Same as always.
34. What kept you sane?
Elbert and Estelle.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Patty Laurel. Lol.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
37. Who did you miss?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Magic is not a matter of fooling people, but of entertaining them. That, and experience is the best teacher.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Tinawag mo 'kong bakla (Huh!)
Hoy bruha kang talaga
At ang kapal ng mukha
'Di ako, 'di ako bakla!
Hitsura pa lang, 'di mo ba halata?
Kung di ka tumigil sa pagsasalita
Sasabunutan kita, hindi ako bakla!!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I find it amusing that the word “bonding” for me and Estelle has been synonymous to me and her vicariously sharing a bad experience, such as when we tried that weird-tasting cheesecake from Sugarhouse, which tasted suspiciously like spit.
Nonetheless, hanging out with Bess has been awesome for the most part, whether it be to achieve some Christmas shopping, or hanging out with her while we're at Jay Mata's place in The Fort, where we had a lot of interesting conversations and a few cool demonstrations of magic, especially since I met up with Deeji, who was my classmate a couple of years back in Heidegger.
She even made the very sweet gesture of wanting to adopt me for the new year's celebration, which was something I really appreciated, although I ended up being adopted by the Ching family.
One thing Estelle said made my day, though... apparently, she thinks that Erik Mana is “mediocre but interesting enough”, mainly because she finds Erik's patter boring, and she thinks I'm the better showman. I was touched. Yan ang Bessie! Hehe.
So I spent New Year's Eve with Clair, Dang, Tita Claire, and Panda, who was cowering over all the fireworks. Hehe. In any case, it was really awesome being there, because I even did a little magic show for the kids in the area, sort of as a taste of the kind of stuff I'm capable of doing already. Let's just say that I got a lot of reactions for the bite card, as usual. Haha.
After that, we went on a bit of a movie marathon, as we watched Take The Lead and Love Actually, plus of course, Michael V's Bubble G anthology... hehehehe.
All in all, an awesome New Year. I should do this more often and have myself adopted by a friend every New Year. Haha.
.:The Top Five People I'm Most Grateful For:.
It's been a really crazy year for me, to say the least, and it took a while for me to get around to getting this list down to pat. Nonetheless, I'm glad I finally found the time, albeit the list and the commentary itself would prolly be noticeably abbreviated...
5. To you who can make my heart skip a beat: In what would be quite a huge change of pace for me, I cannot honestly say I'm grateful to you the most for the year. This has been a year that hasn't been kind to my heart at all. And while the happiest moments of my year have involved you, so have the most painful ones.
Thank you for making me feel special and loved. Thank you for letting me love you, thank you for breaking my heart, thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, for making me feel the highest points of my life, and the lowest points all the same. I wouldn't be a stronger person if it weren't for you.
4. To Jay and Mr. Bing: To the two people who were instrumental to my newfound career in magic, I thank you both. For putting up with my clumsy hands as I tried to learn a double lift, to patiently explaining to me the finer points of misdirection.
For bringing back the wonder in my life, I thank you. Thanks for letting me remember the power that comes with but a wave of a hand.
3. To my Uncle Raymund: Out of my entire family, you're the one I'm most grateful to this year. For giving me a skillset I never realized I am capable of, to the fact that you've been someone I can talk to every now and then about just about anything and everything.
It's not what people say about you that matters. It's how you deal with the people who matter, and for that, I appreciate everything I've learned thanks to you.
2. To my friends: In the most turbulent times of my life, you came through.
All of you.
Words cannot express my gratitude for all of you, for having kept me sane at the moments where my head was spinning off its axis.
I couldn't have gotten to this point without you: the entire JGL, Row, Kathy, Krisette, Hrbs, Debbie, Moon, April, Johan, and pretty much everybody else whom I've failed to mention.
3. To Elbert, Estelle, Clair, Sacha, Jaded, Christelle: The ones whom I proudly call my best friends. You have no idea how much more colorful my life has been with you around.
To Elbert, for the countless nights of pleas... err... I mean, conversation, for being my dose of reality when my head is too mired in illusions, for being the best friend who believes in pushing me to be a better human being.
To Estelle, for having come into my life and being a never-ending source of new and interesting things, as well as for being my favorite audience for children's party magic. For having been the most wonderful new person I've gotten to know this year, Bessie-Moo, you are an amazing human being and I know things can only keep on getting better. Oh, and of course, by extension, I have to thank Kuya Allen and Mang Ted, too! =P Seriously, by extension, I also have to thank Tita Toots and Tito Fort, especially for proving to me that N.U. actually exists. For bringing out the inner child in me, I thank you as well.
To Clair, for being my voice of reason. There's never a dearth of interesting conversation with you around. You're awesomely cool, and you prove without a shadow of a doubt that friends like you are simply one in a billion.
To Sacha, for being there for me, even when you're a thousand miles away. It seems that you're always there just when I need you most. It's amazing, because it's not like we plan any of our encounters online, and yet, by some twist of fate, you never fail to come through.
To Jaded, for believing in me and reminding me that even if we're far apart, we never do truly lose touch, at the end of everything. Thanks for being one of the people who keep pushing me to excel and to try harder.
And to Christelle, for caring about me even when I feel that I sometimes neglect to remind her how much I care about her. For actually playing quite a hand in getting my magic career off the ground. I can only promise to try harder to be there for you when you need someone to be there for you.