Thursday, June 18, 2009

Lost Gems Of Philippine History: The 1896 Board Meeting


P.S. To my great-great-granduncle, Marcelo H. Del Pilar, I really needed a straw man for this, so my apologies if I had to pick you and Emilio. You know I still love you. =P

.:The Output-Oriented Revolution: A Board Meeting...:.

Emilio Aguinaldo: Mabini, take down the minutes of this meeting. And would you be a dear and run to StarbucKKK’s and grab us some frappes?

Apolinario Mabini : Excuse me?

Emilio Aguinaldo: *sighs* Fine. Just take down the minutes. I’ll just text Gregorio to grab some coffee for us when he passes by the Tirad branch.

Marcelo del Pilar: Okay, let’s call this meeting to order. Our first item on our agenda – we are running way over budget. Andres, care to explain?

Andres Bonifacio: What’s the fuss? I need those arms for our military endeavours, and we...

Emilio Aguinaldo: We are withholding any further buget allocation for the procurement of arms, Andres. Our bottomline is being hurt. We want to see results. How many soldiers did we lose as opposed to civil guards this month?

Andres Bonifacio: Emilio, these are acceptable and necessary losses. We are waging a war.

Marcelo del Pilar: Be that as it may, we are running on a budget. What do you think we are doing here? Fighting for liberty at all costs?

Andres Bonifacio: I was under the impression that’s what we were doing.

Marcelo del Pilar: You have yet to win a convincing victory on the battlefield! You need to be more like King Leonidas from Sparta, although you don't have abs.

Andres Bonifacio: Ang tunay na lalake, walang abs. And didn't Leonidas lose that fight against the Persians anyways? So why's he considered heroic and I'm not?

Marcelo del Pilar: Stop using annoying things like the facts and sound logic to dissuade me from my point, Andres. What will our board of investors ever say about these expenses? We need to stop launching military efforts, and just sit on our hands and hope Spain gets tired of us and lets us go. That’s the more economical solution to these problems, what with all this talk about a recession. Even the polos are getting fired, as underpaid and overworked as they are!

Emilio Aguinaldo: We are left with no choice, then. We need to pull the plug on our military arm. Let’s try declaring independence on our targeted date, June 12, without having to even go through the motions of a revolution. Hey, it just might work, right?

Marcelo del Pilar: A capital idea! And now, the second item on our agenda... Pepe, what have you been doing lately?

Jose Rizal: I’ve had two doctorates, travelled all over the world, written two books, awakened national consciousness to Spanish abuse, and...

Marcelo del Pilar: What? You just wrote books? We didn’t put you through all this education to act educated, you know. We want you to take charge, to fight, to put your life on the line!

Jose Rizal: And next week’s scheduled execution for yours truly doesn’t seem like putting my life on the line for you?

Marcelo del Pilar: Meh. We’re still not free, are we?

Jose Rizal: Moses died before his people got to the promised land. But they did. Are you saying what Moses did was inconsequential?

Emilio Aguinaldo: Well, Barack Obama’s been talking about change for a while already, but that’s mostly just been motherhood statements so far, hasn’t it? It’s all about output. I mean, Manny Pacquiao's even more heroic than you, Andres. He wins his fights all the time!

Marcelo del Pilar: Who are those people?

Emilio Aguinaldo: I’m sorry. It just sounded like a witty thing to say. I wasn’t thinking.

Marcelo del Pilar: We’re digressing. So Pepe, you’re telling me all you did was write a couple of books?

Jose Rizal: You mean a couple of books that is currently sparking this revolution you plan on cancelling due to budget considerations? You mean a couple of books that are testament to the fact that we are not merely maleducated Indios, as the Spaniards derisively call most of us, but educated Filipinos who can and will be able to run this country when we achieve independence?

Marcelo del Pilar: Yep. Just a couple of books. Just like those books your son, Adolf read.

Jose Rizal: You mean Protocols of Zion and Will to Power? Oh, forgive me. I’m sure that a couple of books that led to the death of six million Jews are, just like Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo, “just a couple of books.”

Marcelo del Pilar: I don’t like the implication of your tone, Pepe. Are you seriously saying that discourse and not just misguided anger will pave the way to independence? Such a novel concept, but ultimately futile.

Andres Bonifacio: Why are we all speaking in English, by the way, shouldn’t we be speaking in our native tongues, to prove how much we love our country?

Jose Rizal: Jeebus Cripes, Andres! I’m getting shot next week because I’ve caused so much trouble that the Spaniards are worried I’d lead a revolution that would free us all. In a few years, Emilio over there will have you killed, and all you could think of is that mere vestigial gestures of patronizing our language would weigh more in the annals of history than the fact that we’re, y’know, dying for our country?

Andres Bonifacio: Wait, Rizal, didn't you say...

Jose Rizal: I know what I said, but gee, whiz. That's not the only way to show you love your country, right? I think I've earned the right to be "higit pa sa malansang isda"...

Andres Bonifacio: Lawl. You’re right, Pepe. How much are you willing to bet that some thankless little git would be spitting on our graves a hundred or so years from now just because we never get to see the output we’re fighting for? Heck, I'm sure one of our awesome friends would have people claiming she should be more important than Cory, who will free us from a tyrannical dictator in 1986 just because they think she's cuter than Cory. I'm sure even she would disagree on that point.

Jose Rizal: All this fortune telling aside, output? Who cares about output? This isn’t a business. This is a war. That’s a basic logical fallacy, Andres. Faulty analogy is faulty. It doesn’t hold water. Do we even have computers and the internets to measure how well we’re doing in this quest for liberation? We are only doing what we can to the best of our abilities, even if it kills us. Output or no output, we have pulled our share for the next generation. What are these ingrates doing for their generation? Hasn’t it always been the case that we plant the seeds for the future, and someone else reaps the benefits? Do you mean to tell me only those who win wars are heroic? You call Genghis Khan heroic?

Melchora Aquino: I’m just glad you guys didn’t ask me to make coffee this time.

Emilio Aguinaldo: Hush, woman. We’re still sexist. This is the 1800’s, remember?

Melchora Aquino: Two hundred years from now, we’ll still be sexist.

Emilio Aguinaldo: That’s because we have a crappy girl president by the time they read the minutes of this meeting. Eww. Cooties!

Apolinario Mabini: That’s it, guys. I’m walking out.

Emilio Aguinaldo: And how do you propose to do that?

Apolinario Mabini: What a lame joke. Pshaw.

Marcelo del Pilar: Gais, I’m lost. This is all flying over my head. Let’s just cancel the revolution, and Pepe, stop writing. You’re beginning to sound like a sensationalist blogger.



jun said...

i wonder how their project plan would have looked like hahahaha

Laya said...

LMAO! I love this!

Helga said...


Kel Fabie said...

@jun: Dissent -----> Propaganda ----> Altercations ----> Revolution ----> ??? ----> Profit!*

* "Martyrdom" is ideally not an option.

Ade said...

"Just like those books your son, Adolf read."

- this killed me.

Kel Fabie said...

@Ade: I was wondering if people would get the reference. LOL.

ALVIN™ said...

Me likey! AYUS NA AYUS!

Repost ko to sa site ko, this is a MUST-read! B-) said...

woot! Congrats, awesome article. :)

Rochelle said...

congratulations sioti for winning the PBA for this awesome article! :)

Laya said...

Congrats on this post being one of the top ten Best Posts at the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards!

deejay said...

wait, you mean to tell me rizal was the father of..? *stunned*

LOL! what a capital idea! :D

congrats, mistervader! yeah. too bad i didn't see you guys. or maybe i did, you just didn't know it. wehehehe! :D :D :D

Catsteven Betonio said...

I love this post. It's really great to have your own blog, huh!? I don't have one yet, but Im wholly inspired. Thanks!

Kel Fabie said...

@DeeJay: Thanks for the kind words. Nakakataba ng puso.

@CatStevens: I'm glad you liked my post. And go blog! It's fun! :)

edelweiza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
genial said...

hi there...
greetings from Jakarta Indonesia,
just drop by to congratulate you as a winner in TEN BEST POSTS OF THE YEAR, congratulation and happy blogging friends :)

edelweiza said...

kel! congrats! deserving ang post na ito. :)

yish said...

i love this one!

Jonathan Aquino said...

This is the kind of intelligent satire that's rare nowadays. I like your blog and you'll be happy to know that I have included it in one of my blog rolls, Award-Winners, one of the little ways I try to promote Filipino culture. You are welcome to visit The 2Rivers Magical Mystery Tour anytime -- -- Thank you and God bless! Sincerely yours, Jonathan Aquino

MichDom said...

Too bad I just read this, it was worth a chuckle. :)

Gourdo's Stores said...

so now i get it why this blog won. congratulations! love your article.