I didn’t bother going to Radio 1 training this morning. The rain was horrible, and I really wanted to get some extra shut-eye instead. Well, I’m still ruddy sleepy…

I haven’t been writing a single thing in my diary lately. That’s probably because:

1. I’m too ruddy lazy to go and write stuff down that I already typed, and
2. I’m too ruddy lazy (And cheap! I can’t believe I lost another ruddy pen!)to actually buy myself a decent pen to write with.

I dunno… I’ve been a good gargoyle lately… heh. Nonetheless, I’ve been enjoying my role as one, and I hope that my wards have been benefiting well from such. I was helping out someone with her thesis in any small way that I can (What? Marcelle! What the Hades are you doing with YOUR thesis?), and we were having a lot of fun with one another. Those people filling up her surveys… simply hilarious. Bah Gawd, since when did we have a “Manila Volitin”? I suppose come to think of it, being her thesis partner might not have been as great a bonding opportunity as I initially thought it was, so never mind, then. I suppose I’ll be all right with myself in spite of the fact… and at least, I did kind of help out with her work, but it’s time I stopped procrastinating and actually accomplishing something. Bah Gawd, my Philosophy paper, for instance, has been lying there in complete disarray for weeks. I should’ve finished the ruddy thing a long time ago…

Please, anyone who’s been reading this, I could use all the wake-up calls/motivation speeches I can get from any of you! I’ve been procrastinating for so long, and I’d just want anyone here to tell me to get off my ruddy seat and get cracking on my ruddy work! I have a thesis to work on, a SCARY Theology paper to consider, and an even SCARIER Philosophy paper I have to do on my own. This is not to mention the catch-up job I have cut out for myself with my film classes, since I got an 89 in one of my papers, and an A with Fr. Nick is a 96. So please, motivation? Pretty please? ::gets down on knees and pleads::

My thanx to someone who FINALLY gave me a copy of her graduation picture. Everyone I know who knows her and has seen the picture insist that she doesn’t look like herself… well, I don’t know if that’s a compliment, but… never mind, then.

To complete the Ministry work I had to do, I managed to speak to this friend of mine today. She’s been crying a lot as of recent meetings I’ve had with her, and though I’ve tried to make her laugh a bit, I know she feels really bad at this point. It’s hard to be happy when you’re so misunderstood. I know. I’ve been there. Hades, I’m STILL there. But then, there’re just a lot of things people overlook when they’re in despair, and I guess it takes another person to remind them of that.

Talking to her has made me feel a bit guilty about all the self-pity I allow myself to waddle in from time to time. There’s no point in it, really. I don’t achieve anything but deepen wounds and scars by acting like a complete dolt who didn’t get his way. I’m glad I listen to my professors in class. They’re my “other persons” who remind me of what the prima facie reality actually is.

I’ve learned that the world doesn’t owe me anything. In fact, I NEVER earned my very existence on this planet. For me to question my sorry state of affairs is nothing short of absurd, because I was already fortunate enough to have been thrown into this existence instead of miserably floating about as an intangible I. The world owes me nothing, and I never earned anything I got, no matter how meager. I have no right to question why the powers that be subjected me to this pathos that I cannot even begin to comprehend how to deal with. It’s a humbling thought, and it sets things in perspective for me, and I realize that the world doesn’t have any obligation to me. If I don’t want to be in this world because I feel I’ve been shortchanged for the “fair share” I deserve, then I’m dead wrong. I didn’t deserve a thing. If I don’t want to be in this world because I’m more than willing to be a floating non-entity, then that’s still not my prerogative.

It’s not my prerogative at all because Someone placed me here. And if that Someone placed me here to freely do what I want to do within my capacity, then maybe Heidegger was right. My freedom is in setting others free. I sincerely pray that this is something I’ve been achieving to some meager extent with the lives I touch. With the people who truly matter to me. I believe that only in setting others free can I myself be free. And even by doing that, there’s no point in me expecting that I’ve earned anything in my life to begin with.

And I recognize that. Because jabronis, it’s true. It’s true.