Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Unsent Series, Volume 2: Part VIII

.:You’re Hot Then You’re Cold: The Unsent Series Volume 2, Part VIII:.

Dear Audacity,

It boggles the mind the way you vacillate at the drop of a hat. You keep on changing your mind about anything and everything that has to do with us, all the while expecting that if you realize you’ve made a mistake in the end that somehow, I’d still be here, waiting for you to come around.

You know what? You’re right. I’d still be here, because I’m a fool for you. It doesn’t matter how many times you change your mind, I’d still be holding out and hoping you’d come back because I still love you after everything we’ve been through. It’s crazy how I can’t read you and I have no idea what’s going on in your head, but it is what it is. As painful as all of this may be to me, I know I have no choice but to deal with it, because I knew from the get-go that loving you was going to take everything out of me, but I still went through it, anyways. I have no right to be angry at you. I have no right to hate you.

You never accepted me for who I was. You always wanted to change me, and no matter how hard I tried to be a better person, it was never good enough for you, because quite frankly, you haven’t the foggiest idea what you want to do with your life. That explains exactly why your life is like that: you’re still sheltered, you’re still in your ivory tower, and you still want to hold out for something, yet you don’t know exactly what this “something” is.

I hate that I still love you this much despite everything that’s happened. I’m an idiot, a complete fool for you, but hey, I guess that’s to be expected. I gave two of the best years of my life to you, and it wasn’t enough. You wanted more. You always wanted more. It was never me that you gave a damn about, but some potential person who never came to pass. I couldn’t be sorry enough that I wasn’t good enough to be someone you want, but I’m honestly worried that you may never know what you really want in life. You keep saying you’re waiting, but do you know what you’re waiting for?

Meanwhile, all I wanted was for you to love me. But I guess that’s far too much for me to ask now, isn’t it? I can’t blame you. I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t force you feel something you simply can’t. It would be foolhardy of me to do that. I just wish that you’d stop confusing me. I just wish that you’d understand that if it’s really over between you and me, then you no longer have the right to be nice to me, or to treat me kindly. If it’s over, then it’s over. Please don’t give me acts of kindness that give me a futile glimpse of how good we could’ve been for each other.

I didn’t want to confess to this, but I still cry myself to sleep over you night after night. The spectre of what we had still looms over me, and I am powerless to fight it. It would be unfair to say that I regret everything, or that you were a horrible person for having put me through all this. Would I feel a sense of loss this great if you were anything less than the most wonderful person I’ve ever known? How could I ever regret loving with all my heart, as futile as it may have ended up being? I have to be fair. I can’t move on. I can’t get over you. Perhaps there is no getting over you.

If it’s over, please... let it be over. Stop being kind to me. Stop being sweet to me. Stop calling me “babe” or “puppy” or whatever other animal pet name you have in store for me. Stop holding me when I break down in front of you.

I need you to be cruel to me now. More cruel than you have ever been to me.

Ironically, that could very well be the kindest thing you would ever do for me.

Dear Audacity, I understand you. I understand everything you’re going through. But understanding doesn’t make it hurt any less.

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