We're All Fools, Not Just For April

.:We’re All Fools In Love:.

I think I begin to understand more and more what they mean when they say that “the best coaches are on the bench”. I was really hoping to write about this for April 1, but I guess Good Friday’s as good a day as any.

It’s been over a year already, but the memory of it all, and the subsequent and recent developments, still haunts me. I soldiered on, and ignored how I felt, burying myself in anything else I could occupy myself with. Magic, standup, work, and even my thesis. You name it, it ate up much of my time, and kept my mind off of things. It was the only real support system I had, unfortunately.

Then March 20 happened, and I found a plan I’ve been trying to build over the course of the past six years just completely fall apart right before my very eyes. I still don’t quite know how to deal with that, even. All I know is that everything I held, everything I believed in, was severly challenged, and I had no idea where to go, and who to turn to.

This wasn’t an April Fool’s thing, because it appears we’re all fools beyond April 1, when it comes to love. I held on for so long, I found everything I held onto and believed in was challenged, and everything else about my life became an unmistakable crutch that I had to lean onto, in order to fool myself into believing I was functioning normally. I wasn’t. I still am not.

But see, this isn’t really about me per se, or the fact that I’m dealing with a lot at the moment. I think that’s not really something I need to write about yet another time. I’ve devoted more than enough space on a waste of space like that already. I mean, really. If she wants to be in such a rush to lower her standards and eat all the words she’s thrown in my general direction the past three years, then let her, right? But I digress.

Earlier this week, I was speaking to a friend of mine who was left by her boyfriend. It was pretty sad, thinking about how she was treated by the guy, and I, being an outsider looking in, was appalled at how she kept on holding on despite the fact that all signs pointed to the contrary.

It made no sense, but I guess as they always say, the heart has its reasons which reason cannot know. And it was easier for me to see the insanity and inanity of it all by not being embroiled in the situation, although I have obviously been in the same boat in the past: clearly, the guy did not deserve her. She refused to see this because she was too into him, but she deserved better than that, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, make her see that.

We are all fools in love. When we love and give our all, we look past everything wrong and only think about the things that are right, and ignore everything that goes wrong. It’s just like keeping a photo album: you get to see and recall all the good things, and not for one moment do you dwell on the bad. No matter how much it hurts, we keep running back. No matter how often we get taken for granted, we still long for the moments when we don’t.

So I looked at how many times she has ranted and complained about how she’s been treated, and yet she still pines for him. I keep reminding her how many people would give anything to be in her boy’s shoes and would never even dream of doing the things he does to her. Ika nga ng Parokya, “binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko,” to borrow a turn of phrase from the band.

I can tell her a million times to just move on and find someone better, but I know she’ll do what she wants to do, and no matter how much I feel for her, I can’t help but understand that when you’re smack dab in the middle of the situation, yeah, you just become a fool who falls in love.

I have been a fool. But I just can’t be one any longer. I’ve been treated shabbily, I’ve been taken for granted, and made to think the worst of myself. Quite frankly, I don’t deserve any of it. And I don’t just say this in a brazen attempt to huff myself up, but simply as an urge to anyone who may find themselves in the same situation to know when to walk away for your own sake.

If you have a so-called significant other who treats you this way, I know it may sound noble and everything to look out for them and stand by them, but clearly, they won’t be looking out for you or standing by you. They’re too preoccupied with themselves to give a damn, and there’s nobody better to look out for you than you yourself.

I believe that everyone deserves someone who will not need you to be out of their lives for them to realize how important you are. It can be a friend, it can be a significant other, it can be anyone. But all romantic or even religious undertones aside, everyone deserves that someone. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for anyone less than that.

And that goes for someone I know, too. Here I am, now outside looking in, with every reason to laugh and leave you to your devices, but I can't. I won't. Because you know that after everything, I still care for you. It's just that I can't stand for being treated like dirt any longer.

If he truly wanted to deserve what you give him now, then he would be working doubly hard to make you feel that he’s not merely treating you as some pastime for until he finds someone who’s really a keeper. Goddammit, don’t trade down just because you’re lonely. Don't settle just because you need someone in the meantime. That's unfair to you, that's unfair to him, and that belittles the "best" that I wished for you when I let you go.

I know I could’ve just settled for anyone else over the past year. The temptation was there. But I didn’t. Because for once in my life, I've learned to have *just* a little self-respect. You should start getting that for yourself, too.