Tuesday, April 20, 2004

.:My Hopes Are Dashed... Again:.

So yes, I'm taking Chinese Philosophy for this summer, and yes, I do love the subject, even if there're only four Chinese girls in the class (A new one popped up yesterday.). I really appreciate the subject and want to teach it. However, I realized one good reason why I don't suppose I'd be teaching that subject anytime soon, even with, say, a Ph. D....

... Calligraphy.

You see, to teach Chinese Philosophy, you not only have to know the matter-at-hand, you also have to have a flair for the language, the writing styles, and such. In short, you have to write Chinese. The closest I can write Chinese is when I try to write plain English in cursive. That ought to tell you how bad my handwriting can get. I got line of 7's in my writing in grade school, and line of 7's in my Drafting in high school. Grace, who's trying to be a doctor, writes infinitely better than I'd ever hope to be. For crying out loud, I can't even read my old diary in my own writing!!! :)

With that being said, I guess I have to drop my aspirations of ever teaching Chinese prett... I mean, philosophy. The former, I think I can still do. :)


Met up with Grace last night, as she gave me something from her trip to Bulacan last weekend. I was joking about her regarding pinipig (Let's not ask what the jokes are about....), but I mentioned that I like eating the stuff, but haven't done so in years. She surprised me with some, although I was half-expecting it already. She also had some really sweet pineapples as well... that was great.

In any case, her brother seems to have a new girlfriend already, and this is where the weirdness ensues. My dream last night involved me being just friends with Grace already. We weren't together anymore, but we were okay. Then, she introduce me to her new main squeeze: her brother's ex. Throughout the dream, it never occurred to me how odd that setup seemed, but as soon as I woke up, I realized that I have just had an exceedingly weird dream...

Ah, well.

.:A Chance Encounter (Warning: A Vituperation.):.

I ran into Mr. Limpoco yesterday. The guy is my teacher for Science 10 way back in second year college. We had an interesting talk. He's apparently going for his doctorates already come next term, hopefully. He's had a few nice stories about having taken Fr. Ferriols, so I guess I should make it a point to sit in on his class soon.

Like most people, he was mostly intrigued about why I decided to enter teaching instead of playing up on my advertising background, power trip, pull some strings, and make it big someplace I have "people in high places" I can talk to.

Sometimes, I myself wonder.

My stepdad once told me that the time will come when I graduate from college, and I'll find out for myself exactly who my real friends are: the ones who will still stand the test of time from beyond the academic world all the way to this so-called "real" world, which isn't any more "real", when you think about it, really. With my little blogging community slowly grinding away yet winding down all the same, I can't help but think back to this. A friend of mine (Maybe a former friend, I wouldn't know.) is set to have this little get-together soon, and as if there's any cause for surprise, Marcelle is not going to be around. Is it anyone's fault? Not really. Then again, it just goes to show you how deep the roots of these friendships Marcelle managed to build really go. It's easy to forget about him: to lose him in the shuffle, regardless where he stands in your life, regardless how great the memories are.

This is not to say I'm indulging in a bout of self-pity again. But I just can't help but have that nagging feeling that yes, it appears as though everyone else graduated. I'm still in the academe, I'm still trying to "make the grade", and few of the people whom I called friends are people I still believe I could regard as so. Ironically, most of the friends I could keep with little problem are friends who weren't even my classmates. People like the OBers, Sacha, Grace, Chico and Delle, and so forth. If anything, I can't help but feel I unconsciously realigned my friendships. Most of the friends I consistently talk to now are people on my LJ or weblog. It makes me quite a bit unnerved, truth be told.

Everyone has moved on, and in the back of the heads of most of my so-called friends whom I speak to, they think I'm just stuck because I can't move forward. The academe was kind to me. Why go into the big, bad, scary "real world", knowing I don't have the advantages I have in the academe? Codswallop and balderdash to that. I've been working in RX for the longest time. I've had experience in both events and productions, plus the fact that I could pull strings if I chose to.

But I choose not to.

I want to do what I choose to do, yet I still feel lost in the shuffle. For all I know, everyone else is just feeling the same way and isn't so vocal about it. For all I know, it's just me. There's just this feeling that most everyone else seems to have moved on, and I'm little more than an afterthought to them. People whom I thought really meant a lot to me and I to them likewise, appear to be showing that the latter was never the case. It was just I who treasured them. It was just I who took the initiative to wish them well, to ignore countless hurtful things that they've done to Marcelle, yadda, yadda.

So am I putting myself over as a saint? Eff that. That's not what I meant. What I simply meant is that all in all, I'm disappointe. So many choices I could've taken, and yet, in the end, the people who truly matter? Not "friends" I've had for years, but out-of-the-blue new people who just popped up in your life like Tsumenki or Jonsi. Old friends are gold, new friends are silver? Ha! It's not how long. It's how well.

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