Chip Tsao, Redux: Okay, I Think People Missed The Point...

.:... Or People Didn't Read The Post:.

April Fool's day certainly brought out some insanity, but I think that thanks to the sTiCkYcApS, my latter post ended up being largely ignored. I don't blame you, really. I wouldn't read it either, if I were in your shoes.

So for now, allow me to reconstruct the gist of that post without killing your eyes and braincells...

.:There Are Only Two Things That I Hate...:.

Y'know, Chip Tsao's article has raised so much ire from us patriotic Filipinos, and with good reason. As a nation, we have worked so hard to establish ourselves as good, trustworthy workers who are world-class wherever we go. We are blessed with exceptional English, which is more than can be said for Mr. "Cheap Chow". He calls himself a "patriotic Chinese". Well, I'm a patriotic Filipino, too. And I will not take any insults against my country lying down. No way, no how.

When I read his drivel, I think I realized that his brain went on a hygiene. It was just so rude and so crass, which is just typical, I guess. This is precisely what I expected, since we all know that the other countries out there are all envious of the Philippines, that's why they resort to dragging our country's good name down in the mud.

I only hate two things, really: racist pigs... and the Chinks. Sadly, Tsao fulfills both criteria, and insulted, no, desecrated, the honor and integrity of this country by calling us a "nation of servants". How dare he call us a nation of servants? Also, why is this a bad thing? Are servants not an honorable people? So why am I getting riled up about this again? Oh, that's right, because he's a yellow, buck-toothed, racist pig. But the thing is, he's only 98.7% Chinese. 1.3% is made of melamine. Or SARS. I forget.

Chip Tsao deigned to insult this country. A country that revels in pride with our world-class citizens, like Manny Pacquiao, whose every single fight is a fight for the honor of our country (Although I still don't know which network will pay through the nose to have his next fight on their screens.). Or a Willie Revillame, who is a true patron of the masses. Or even Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the paragon of intellect and temperance. And sanity. By the way, she also proved you Chinks invented corruption.

Y'know, Chip, I think it's wrong that you insulted my country like that.... so guess what? I'm going to insult your country, too. How's that for showing you that we Filipinos are nothing like you land-grubbing, baby-killing Chinese? And it's funny, because, so many of you go here, and yet you look down on us despite how well we treat you ingrates.

You go here, you start your business, you get richer than any of us, then what? You tell your daughters to marry "only Chinese"? If you hate us Filipinos so much, then go back to China! That's the problem with you yellow-skinned people: your eyes are so narrow you can't see the problem with yourselves. You're all racists, all of you. And you eat cats and have lead in your toys, which results in why you all think and act like that. You smuggle drugs into our country, and enrich yourself off of our backs. And your women! Good gawd, your women! Such atrocities to the concept of "beauty"! Thin, small, and batteries (AA)! Disgusting.

You called us a nation of "servants". Well, looking at Ongpin, you are a nation of "firemen, hardware owners, and firemen who own hardwares". I bet you deliberately don't save a door or two when rescuing someone's house from a fire just so you can sell them a new door. That's how you guys penny-pinch, anyways.

Yet somehow, you find the nerve to denigrate us? In God's eyes, we are all equal, you inferior piece of crap!

And yeah, you really should let Louisa go already. The kind of mistreatment you give her is just terrible. What if all the helpers in Hong Kong collectively decided to go on strike, huh? Or if they all collectively spit in your food? What then? You guys are screwed, I tell you. You'd have to rely on some sweaty Arab, or some stinky Indian, or some fat, uneducated Mexican, or some thieving negro, instead of us noble Filipinos.

I don't care if you apologized for your article already. Satire? What's that? Is that like Satay? You insulted us, and all these excuses about you actually targeting your own people (R-ight. A "patriot"? Lashing out at his own people? Try harder, Chip.) in your piece and it only being tangentially about Filipinos is a bald-faced lie. We know this is about us. It's always about us. We're on to you, Chip. You're not fooling anyone.

I know I can't write half as well as you, but I demand you write better than you do so you don't offend anyone with what you write! I know you like writing because you can't talk, what with your stupid floppy tongue accent. That's probably why BBC let you go already.

Not only did you insult our nation, but you insist on stealing the Spratly islands, which are rightfully ours. Just because it's in the South China sea, does not mean it's yours, you mongoloid. We will go to war against you because we want to hurt your "patriotic feelings".

You cashed in a shot at us, Chip, so I'm punching you out a receipt with interest. We patriotic Filipinos stick together, and we will not dignify your tactless comments by stooping to your level, you Chinese monkey.

And the next foreigner who deigns to call us Filipinos "incapable of getting a joke" will get a kick in the head. How dare you impugn our sense of humor?!? Don't you know that we're the sixth happiest country in the world?!? So you're wrong! And we Filipinos? We rule! Filipino Pride, y'all!

.:More Filipino Pride:.

In other news, I'm extremely disappointed that Lance Corporal Smith is still in the U.S. Embassy. Screw that unpatriotic ingrate, Nicole (Oh, wait. That's what Lance Corporal Smith did.). She left behind this mess, and now we have to fix it. Did she really get raped or not? I think she did, since being drunk means, ya know, you're not in a position to give actual consent.

I'm annoyed that the Americans protect their own. Just because they're Americans, does that mean they should get off scott-free if they actually commit a crime in another country? That shouldn't be tolerated.

In the meantime, here's hoping these Yanks can follow our shining example.

These Americans should really stop protecting their own when they did something wrong. Let them deal with the consequences themselves.

.:All Hail Roilo Golez!:.

Nothing says "Champion of the Filipino People" quite like Roilo Golez. You see, Mr. Chip Tsao, when he made those disparaging comments about the Philippines as "a nation of servants", and a nation that has "no right to the Spratlys", was definitely dead serious when he said it. Like all the other Chinese people who don't know any better, Roilo Golez stands up for our rights and is a true class act.

I'm a bit worried though, because since Chip Tsao is Chinese, he obviously must know Karate. I hope Roilo Golez is prepared to whip this guy silly, because I wouldn't want that crud-eating grin of his plastered all over the internet again after he somehow miraculously wins against Golez. Probably by cheating.

Roilo Golez is the true example of what a leader should be: he will definitely have my vote come the next elections if he decided to run for Senate or something.

There is no need to settle things amicably when we can resort to violence! Go, Team Pacquiao!

THE NECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This is satire. This is not meant to be taken seriously and is an exaggerated picture of how some people could be so overly sensitive to every little comment thrown our way yet be every bit as horrible as the people they despise. Normally, I would assume people are intelligent enough to understand this, but given recent comments I've read online regarding the Chip Tsao issue, I can no longer assume this level of comprehension.

Also, most of my Chinese jokes came from Stanley Chi of the Comedy Cartel, who's obviously a Chinese guy. The very American first name and single-syllable family name sorta gives it away. =P