Thursday, April 02, 2009

Chip Tsao, Redux: Okay, I Think People Missed The Point...

.:... Or People Didn't Read The Post:.

April Fool's day certainly brought out some insanity, but I think that thanks to the sTiCkYcApS, my latter post ended up being largely ignored. I don't blame you, really. I wouldn't read it either, if I were in your shoes.

So for now, allow me to reconstruct the gist of that post without killing your eyes and braincells...

.:There Are Only Two Things That I Hate...:.

Y'know, Chip Tsao's article has raised so much ire from us patriotic Filipinos, and with good reason. As a nation, we have worked so hard to establish ourselves as good, trustworthy workers who are world-class wherever we go. We are blessed with exceptional English, which is more than can be said for Mr. "Cheap Chow". He calls himself a "patriotic Chinese". Well, I'm a patriotic Filipino, too. And I will not take any insults against my country lying down. No way, no how.

When I read his drivel, I think I realized that his brain went on a hygiene. It was just so rude and so crass, which is just typical, I guess. This is precisely what I expected, since we all know that the other countries out there are all envious of the Philippines, that's why they resort to dragging our country's good name down in the mud.

I only hate two things, really: racist pigs... and the Chinks. Sadly, Tsao fulfills both criteria, and insulted, no, desecrated, the honor and integrity of this country by calling us a "nation of servants". How dare he call us a nation of servants? Also, why is this a bad thing? Are servants not an honorable people? So why am I getting riled up about this again? Oh, that's right, because he's a yellow, buck-toothed, racist pig. But the thing is, he's only 98.7% Chinese. 1.3% is made of melamine. Or SARS. I forget.

Chip Tsao deigned to insult this country. A country that revels in pride with our world-class citizens, like Manny Pacquiao, whose every single fight is a fight for the honor of our country (Although I still don't know which network will pay through the nose to have his next fight on their screens.). Or a Willie Revillame, who is a true patron of the masses. Or even Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the paragon of intellect and temperance. And sanity. By the way, she also proved you Chinks invented corruption.

Y'know, Chip, I think it's wrong that you insulted my country like that.... so guess what? I'm going to insult your country, too. How's that for showing you that we Filipinos are nothing like you land-grubbing, baby-killing Chinese? And it's funny, because, so many of you go here, and yet you look down on us despite how well we treat you ingrates.

You go here, you start your business, you get richer than any of us, then what? You tell your daughters to marry "only Chinese"? If you hate us Filipinos so much, then go back to China! That's the problem with you yellow-skinned people: your eyes are so narrow you can't see the problem with yourselves. You're all racists, all of you. And you eat cats and have lead in your toys, which results in why you all think and act like that. You smuggle drugs into our country, and enrich yourself off of our backs. And your women! Good gawd, your women! Such atrocities to the concept of "beauty"! Thin, small, and batteries (AA)! Disgusting.

You called us a nation of "servants". Well, looking at Ongpin, you are a nation of "firemen, hardware owners, and firemen who own hardwares". I bet you deliberately don't save a door or two when rescuing someone's house from a fire just so you can sell them a new door. That's how you guys penny-pinch, anyways.

Yet somehow, you find the nerve to denigrate us? In God's eyes, we are all equal, you inferior piece of crap!

And yeah, you really should let Louisa go already. The kind of mistreatment you give her is just terrible. What if all the helpers in Hong Kong collectively decided to go on strike, huh? Or if they all collectively spit in your food? What then? You guys are screwed, I tell you. You'd have to rely on some sweaty Arab, or some stinky Indian, or some fat, uneducated Mexican, or some thieving negro, instead of us noble Filipinos.

I don't care if you apologized for your article already. Satire? What's that? Is that like Satay? You insulted us, and all these excuses about you actually targeting your own people (R-ight. A "patriot"? Lashing out at his own people? Try harder, Chip.) in your piece and it only being tangentially about Filipinos is a bald-faced lie. We know this is about us. It's always about us. We're on to you, Chip. You're not fooling anyone.

I know I can't write half as well as you, but I demand you write better than you do so you don't offend anyone with what you write! I know you like writing because you can't talk, what with your stupid floppy tongue accent. That's probably why BBC let you go already.

Not only did you insult our nation, but you insist on stealing the Spratly islands, which are rightfully ours. Just because it's in the South China sea, does not mean it's yours, you mongoloid. We will go to war against you because we want to hurt your "patriotic feelings".

You cashed in a shot at us, Chip, so I'm punching you out a receipt with interest. We patriotic Filipinos stick together, and we will not dignify your tactless comments by stooping to your level, you Chinese monkey.

And the next foreigner who deigns to call us Filipinos "incapable of getting a joke" will get a kick in the head. How dare you impugn our sense of humor?!? Don't you know that we're the sixth happiest country in the world?!? So you're wrong! And we Filipinos? We rule! Filipino Pride, y'all!

.:More Filipino Pride:.

In other news, I'm extremely disappointed that Lance Corporal Smith is still in the U.S. Embassy. Screw that unpatriotic ingrate, Nicole (Oh, wait. That's what Lance Corporal Smith did.). She left behind this mess, and now we have to fix it. Did she really get raped or not? I think she did, since being drunk means, ya know, you're not in a position to give actual consent.

I'm annoyed that the Americans protect their own. Just because they're Americans, does that mean they should get off scott-free if they actually commit a crime in another country? That shouldn't be tolerated.

In the meantime, here's hoping these Yanks can follow our shining example.

These Americans should really stop protecting their own when they did something wrong. Let them deal with the consequences themselves.

.:All Hail Roilo Golez!:.

Nothing says "Champion of the Filipino People" quite like Roilo Golez. You see, Mr. Chip Tsao, when he made those disparaging comments about the Philippines as "a nation of servants", and a nation that has "no right to the Spratlys", was definitely dead serious when he said it. Like all the other Chinese people who don't know any better, Roilo Golez stands up for our rights and is a true class act.

I'm a bit worried though, because since Chip Tsao is Chinese, he obviously must know Karate. I hope Roilo Golez is prepared to whip this guy silly, because I wouldn't want that crud-eating grin of his plastered all over the internet again after he somehow miraculously wins against Golez. Probably by cheating.

Roilo Golez is the true example of what a leader should be: he will definitely have my vote come the next elections if he decided to run for Senate or something.

There is no need to settle things amicably when we can resort to violence! Go, Team Pacquiao!

THE NECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This is satire. This is not meant to be taken seriously and is an exaggerated picture of how some people could be so overly sensitive to every little comment thrown our way yet be every bit as horrible as the people they despise. Normally, I would assume people are intelligent enough to understand this, but given recent comments I've read online regarding the Chip Tsao issue, I can no longer assume this level of comprehension.

Also, most of my Chinese jokes came from Stanley Chi of the Comedy Cartel, who's obviously a Chinese guy. The very American first name and single-syllable family name sorta gives it away. =P


OneTamad said...

Mister V,

Mwahugs to you.

Kel Fabie said...

I am honored, kind sir. Very much so. :)

momblogger said...

I knew it was a satire. I didn't react violently because I believe in the Filipino People. I know we are not just a nation of servants. But Haha, i enjoyed your version of this satire.

Kel Fabie said...

@momblogger: Thank you very much! I hope when all of this blows over, I would figure out how to reach Mr. Tsao. I find his very self-effacing, tongue-in-cheek writing style very entertaining and witty.

joyfulchicken said...

Nicely done. I applaud you.

Oh wait, you insulted my glorious chink race! You must die!

momblogger said...

@joyfulchicken- you made me laugh! wahaha

Your humble servant.

Kel Fabie said...

@joyfulchicken: Why do I have visual images of you saying that with your mouth not moving in sync to the words?

eraserhead said...

I think that satires are more entertaining and not easily misinterpreted when it is watched or heard.I know you all feel that we all have the same education you guys have and have the same "intelligent" sense of humor. But the reality is that most filipinos don't even know what a satire is so it is understandable that we react so violently about an article that says we are "a nation of servants" ,and says a part about an (imaginary) brilliant filipino maid getting mistreated. The point is you, the educated people or "intellectuals" who laugh at the inability of your countrymen to understand the genres of literature (correct me please if i am wrong)should not add more insult to injury.Please be a little more understanding and EDUCATE your less fortunate countrymen through a "language" that they can understand (direct and simple instead of doing a satire ponting out the "dumbness" of "patriotic filipinos". The problem is not with the common folk and mister v with your "witty" style of writing i think that you can write more satires against our corrupted government and make people aware of that.

(I am sorry if my ideas are a little bit jumbled.congrats on your "witty" but unfunny satire.peace)

Kel Fabie said...

@eraserhead: "Unfunny" is relative, but I won't touch that very subjective discussion with a 10-foot pole.

However, I have a bone to pick with your imposition of burden upon me. As a person who does write against corruption in the government often enough in this blog, your plea obviously falls flat, since I already do what you ask me to do.

In case you haven't noticed, some of the links in these posts have been links to my own blog posts where I do take my shots against perceived wrongs in the government.

And please. If I believed we all had "the same" level of education, would I even need to place a disclaimer on my post? The fact that I did only underscores that I recognize that is not the case.

Your arguments come from your inability to view the Filipino people as anything but untouchable. I am sorry, but in a world where people are free to defend their opinions as they see fit, that line of argumentation does not fly with me. Save for Rick Astley, there are no sacred cows I would not dare write against in this blog.

Kel Fabie said...

Furthermore, I have nothing against people who could not understand satire for what it is.

What I do have problems with, on the other hand, are people who react to what they perceive as racism with more racism.

Surely, any sane person cannot expect that racism responded to with more racism can be right, can they?

joyfulchicken said...

I guess the lesson here is that people shouldn't react violently to things they don't understand.

@momblogger: I'm glad that I made you laugh.

@Marcelle: Blame the incompetent Filipino dubbers for that.

OneTamad said...

I'll just leave this here...


He should write things straight to the point. What an asshole.. dami pang segwey.. eh may saltik pala talaga ulo niyan e!
Posted on 30-Mar-09 at 9:44 pm | Permalink | Edit "

Unknown said...

without the delivery, gestures and facial expression, printed text is easier to misinterpret than the spoken word. i agree you needed a disclaimer for this.

then again, anyone who knows you knows that you cannot possibly hate the chinks. lol!

Kel Fabie said...

@Abby: Whatever do you mean? I have no idea. :P

miss choi said...

Question (and this has bothered me for the longest time): why would people go an extended rant then add "peace" at the end of it? What's the point?

Wala, naisip ko lang. Di ba? Think about it.

Kel Fabie said...

@miss choi: I think it's because like saying "in my opinion" before going off, adding "peace" at the end of a long rant is, in the mind of the writer, a magic shield that protects what he has to say from disagreement, and clears his conscience in the event someone gets offended.

In this specific case, though, I'd like to think almost everyone who read this understood that the slurs I threw out were a caricature of the overblown reactions towards the Chip Tsao issue. As erasmusa was quick to point out, anyone who knows me knows that the last people I would EVER hate are the Chinese. And it's not just because I'm 12.5% Chinese...

sineasta said...

hala! satire pala, ah. agree na sana ako sa lahat ng points, eh. hehehe.

yeah, if people follow your blog, they'd know you're not the kind who'd hate the "little kita" people. right, sandara? hehehe. pop star na raw siya sa korea ngayon, alam mo ba 'yun?

eraserhead said...

waw shield na pala ang peace ngayon ah.haha gusto ko lang maglagay ng peace kasi alam kong magrerespond kayo dun sa akin violently.haha ayaw ko naman ng discussion opinion ko lang talaga kaya nga "comment" dba parang comments and tsaka opinion ko lang yun pasensya na kung na "rant" kita.ibig nyo po bang sabihin na gusto nyo lang ng "raves"?so what kung hindi ako natawa sa satire mo,problema ko na un.haha
sorry naman kung ayaw mo ng peace eh di war nalang yung end.haha joke lang.uu nabasa ko yung disclaimer at naiintindihan ko naman daw ang satire yung ayaw ko lang eh parang kahit yun comment nililimit nyo.
haha at tsaka sorry ngayon lang ako nakabasa ng post sa blog na to di naman talaga ako blogger eh.sabagay parang nagpreach nga ako hehe. sorry na garud ayaw ko na ng ganitong discussion eh kasi alam kong gugulo lang ang mundo at alam kong talo rin lang ako sainyo hehe.wak ka mag alala may bukas pa.

yan peace na talaga( or magic shield that protects me from disagreement and clears my conscience if anyone gets offended).
PS: I have nothing against the chinese.kung tito ko nga 50% chinese eh haha

Kel Fabie said...

@eraserhead: I have no idea what the Hades you just said. I don't even remember caring whether or not you laughed at my "satire". In case you didn't know, satire is not always out to be funny.

To coin this guy I know: It's simple, really. The Philippines is not perfect. DEAL WITH IT.

We are slowly turning into a nation of Boyet Fajardo's who go off into "creative outbursts" at the drop of a hat no matter how shallow the reason is.

And no, nowhere did I say that "peace" and "in my opinion" are legitimate "shields" against being criticized. So here's my critique for you: you have a full keyboard. You have spellcheck. LEARN TO USE THEM BOTH.

eraserhead said...

"@miss choi: I think it's because like saying "in my opinion" before going off, adding "peace" at the end of a long rant is, in the mind of the writer, a magic shield that protects what he has to say from disagreement, and clears his conscience in the event someone gets offended."

Oh sorry about the "sms" spelling.Ok I agree with you. Happy now?

Kel Fabie said...

Reading comprehension fail. In case you haven't noticed, I said that it's all "in your mind". It's NOT a magic shield. It's all in your mind.

Good Gawd.

Neil said...

I, uh, umm... I dunno what to say.


Kel Fabie said...

@Neil: In my opinion, peace!

Kel Fabie said...

And, oh, eraserhead, you can piss off.

My blog, my rules.

You wanna act like an idiot? Do it in your blog. Not mine.

I ain't publishing your comment. I ain't havin' it.

eraserhead said...

That was so gay.

(Ok I won't post any comments in your blog. This is the last post. Sorry for all of this and once again in my opinion,peace. Don't publish this comment, it's kind of a goodbye to you Mrs. Marcelle. Sorry again)

Disclaimer: The author assumes that this message is read by people with a Superiority Complex and who are fans of Rick Astley. And the author also love 80's music especially Michael Jackson.

Kel Fabie said...

A testament to idiocy right up there. Color me amused. Hee.

Kel Fabie said...

I love how the idiot runs his mouth off because he's hiding behind his computer then has the audacity to use "gay" as an insult.

Please, internet tough guy. You're not scaring anyone, and you're not looking awfully patriotic, either.

OneTamad said...

You have to admit, though, that "Mrs. Marcelle" bit was pretty clever.

eraserhead said...

I am not actually scaring anyone duh? And yeah the internet is a fun way to be tough hehe so you were actually insulted by the word "gay".
The term "Gay" also means merry and I just used sarcasm to exaggerate the fact that this argument is pointless and it is getting too personal(I am sorry I think I started this part hehe).It is also occupying space on your comment box. Do you agree? and yes I am an idiot.
(wow you actually published that comment haha guess my guess is right you contradict everyone who does contradict you.just admit you are wrong for once.nobody's perfect or untouchable right)

Kel Fabie said...

@OneTamad: Meh. I've heard better barbs from the Bebigerls.

@eraserhead: Oh, my! I thought you're not going to comment in my blog anymore?

And oh yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong to think there was any way to speak rationally to an intellectually challenged bigot like you. Take your bigotry with you back to the dark ages. This is not the blog for it.

eraserhead said...

Yes I agree calling someone an intellectually challenged bigot isn't a bigot. And for me posting on your blog, you posted my comment which I clearly meant as a personal message to you hence anything written in that comment does not exists technically in my idiotic brain. And according to my idiotic experiences, bigots like me don't tolerate others' opinions and I believe all that wouldn't agree in what I have to say are also intellectually challenged bigots like me.

(Look man I know I was rude and idiotic to comment how unfunny your piece of work was because it is your blog after all and calling you merry was not a good idea and is very "bigotic" of me. Ok I realized my idiocracies and bigotries, now I am offering an apology for the closure of this irrational and intellectually challenged argument)