Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Today Was Supposed To Be A Special Day...

I wanted to make this a Lyrically Speaking Scribble, but I guess writing it this way is better.

.:Acceptance: The Unsent Series, Volume 2, Part VII...:.

Dear Audacity,

It's been the longest winter without you, but I thank you for still being there for me, proving me wrong. You do care about me. You care about me a lot.

I'm grateful you understand now why I say you never loved me. You were infatuated with an idea of what I could be. But who I am right now is simply not good enough for you. Don't think that's your fault in any way. It's my shortcoming, and I have no right to force you to lower your standards just to stay with me. I have a lot to change about myself, but I also recognize that being a better person does not guarantee you'll come back to me. This time, I have to do this for myself, not for anyone else.

It's hard seeing myself with anyone else right now. You keep on saying that I should open my doors and just go out there and find someone to replace you, but what you don't understand is that there's no replacing you. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to anyone who would come after you (If there's ever anyone who would come after you.). I've given so much of myself to you that it's hard rebuilding myself when everything fell apart.

Thanks for being my best friend, even up to now. It feels weird, and it stings sometimes, knowing you're the cause and the cure, but I appreciate that you're still here for me. The least I can do is not push you away when you're reaching out to me like this.

I thought I couldn't live without you. And to an extent, having you in my life still reflects that reality. The pain is still there, but the anger isn't. I can't force you to love me. I can only hope you would.

It's going to hurt when it heals, too. I'm not superhuman. I feel pain, and while I've done everything I could to keep myself from showing to the world how hurt I have been, I couldn't help it. I need to grieve. I need to realize that loving with my whole heart is not enough on its own. Love is a two-way street.

Today would've marked our second anniversary, but instead, I spend it alone. I feel the unbelievable weight of loneliness, but even then, I know and believe... it'll all get better in time.

Thank you for everything. You made me stronger by breaking my heart. With no regret or hatred in my heart, I thank you for that. I hope that even for a while, thinking about how this day might have been for us would make you smile, knowing that we can never really say never in life and love.

For now, let me tell you one more time... My Beloved, I love you so, very, very much. You know that.

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