Thursday, February 24, 2011

Do You Know What You're Going To?

.:Do You Know Where You’re Going To?:.

Photo taken by Mr. Coladilla, but is only tangentially related to my point today.

So I was in deep thought during Nuffnang’s launch of Glitterati + last Saturday. I feel that I’ve been going full bore for a while already yet again, even allowing myself moments of weakness where I went out of my way to reach out to certain people, only to discover that it wasn’t the smartest thing I should’ve done. I feel dejected, and I’m left to wonder if things would ever go back to the way they used to be, because at this point, I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.

But really, it isn’t just for me, that I’m writing this. Now is really a time for introspection, in the middle of all these crazy days we’ve been having in our lives. Why, if you don’t mind it being slightly not safe for work, give the first minute or so of this video a gander.

While watching this video, I couldn’t help but feel the kind of desperation Gan Lulu’s mom must have been feeling for her to actually go out of her way to take a video of her own daughter while she’s coming out of the shower just to solicit a boyfriend for the model, who is by no means shabby-looking, to begin with.

With thoughts of her and her situation hovering over you, now is a good time as any to take a step back from all the hurly-burly in your life, and ask yourself: where are you headed, and do you want to be headed there?

After everything that has been going on, it’s a very difficult question to answer. In all honesty, I can’t quite process everything just yet, and I’m still too preoccupied with my loneliness to recognize that there are far more important things to consider than that at this point. Nonetheless, I understand that I’ve been in a holding pattern for the past two years, and all the self-loathing or self-help isn’t really making things any better for me, in the end. And breaking the cycle isn’t in my itinerary for a long while, either, so I guess all I have going for me is that I’m more resilient to all of this drama than I give myself credit for.

Do I really want to just let the holding pattern run its course, and try my best to ignore the multiple betrayals I’ve experienced in the past couple of years? Or would I be better off actively fighting this off, and trying to make heads and tails of what I’m doing with my life?

I wish I could take a vacation, I really do. Unfortunately, I obviously can’t afford it. So for now, all I can do is take these few moments I could steal from my life, and use it as a chance to reflect on what I’m doing, what I ought to do, and what I’ve done. It isn’t easy, by any stretch of imagination, but it’s something worth doing for the sake of my sanity.

I pray that anyone else reading this would feel the same way as I do – a vague but unmistakable air of optimism in the face of a never-ending plateau, bereft of staggering highs or devastating lows. Is it any wonder that outside of depression, being lost in the shuffle is the second leading cause for suicide? There’s just so much mediocrity in this world, that the highs and lows are actually welcome respites from them. Yet these respites sometimes never come.

If Gan Lulu’s mom is reading this (Which I sincerely doubt.), all I can say is: you have a lovely daughter, and I’m sure she will find someone who will love her and treat you well without you even having to ask. I believe it, and I know as much.

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