Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Project 52 (6/52), and Lyrically Speaking Scribbles, Part XVIII : The Script - Break Even

.:Project 52 (6/52): The Script – Break Even

This song has successfully encapsulated how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember, and I guess that’s what I get for not listening to the lyrics sooner, because I only started actually listening to the song more closely like about a week or so ago.

I think it’s no secret that I’m going through a tempest in my personal teacup at the moment (More like two years, but who’s counting?), and I just wish, absolutely wish, I had this song to keep me company whenever someone tries to pull the “you weren’t the only one who got hurt” card on me, because let’s face the facts: it doesn’t work that way, especially if you’re not the one who actually had their heart broken. It doesn’t work that way if you weren’t just a tool to pass the time until someone better came along. It doesn’t work that way if you weren’t the one who got played.

This song really captures how the broken-hearted feels, and how painful it is to realize that it’s only them who’s feeling that way, and the other person in the erstwhile relationship/whatever the Hades it actually was. It’s funny because, they have the temerity to tell you to stop feeling the way you feel as if your feelings were some kind of valve you can just turn on and shut off at will. Easy for them to say. They’re not the ones going through heartache and sorrow. You are.

And really, what else can I do but wholeheartedly agree? Heartbreaks rarely end well, but more often than not, only one person feels the brunt of it all. Unfortunately for myself, I’ve been on the receiving end of it more than I’ve been the one dishing it out, and I somehow doubt that patter would actually change anytime soon. This song feels like an anthem for me, which is actually pretty unfortunate when you realize that it’s a pretty sad song, no matter how much you may like or dislike it.

I really, really love this song, more than words could say. It just puts into words every single thing I felt for the past couple of years, and it really does underscore how in the end, heartbreaks never really are pretty. It gets even uglier as the disparity between the two parties gets bigger and bigger. And nowadays? That gap is an impassable chasm.

Anyways, this song is great, and really is a splendid choice for week 6 of my Project 52. I hope you like the song, too, and give the Maddi Jane version I put up a listen, as I think that this girl did a marvellous cover of the song. I’m officially a fan of her, too.

.:Break Even: Lyrically Speaking Scribbles Part XVIII:.

Break Even
By The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in...

See, just because I didn’t drown myself while I was in CamSur doesn’t mean, by any stretch of imagination, that I’m actually happy. I’m not. It’s been this way for so long, I don’t even remember how it feels like to be overjoyed anymore. You seem to confuse a person’s act of self-preservation as some sort of representation of self-esteem. It doesn’t work that way. I exist. That doesn’t mean I’m alive.

‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even...

Every vacant minute I have is a minute I’m never getting back. Every vacant minute she gets is a minute she cherishes in lieu of being tied with me. Isn’t it wonderful how these things work out? It gets even more fantastic when they try to make you feel as if you and her are going through some kind of pity competition, just to prove she isn’t coming out of this completely unscathed.

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

Funny how people always assume I’m the one who flits from one girl to the other, and yet I’m the one who’s been alone for going on two years already. It’s even funnier when you realize that about 359 days ago, someone had the most wonderful day of their lives, while I had my worst, and about three weeks ago, a practical re-enactment happened at my expense. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced, but hey, don’t let that stop you from pretending you’re every bit as broken up about this as I am.

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no...

I used to ask how you even manage to sleep after you’ve done what you’ve done, and then I realized the answer all too well – it’s because nothing you ever told me was true. It was all lip service, and you couldn’t be bothered to give out more than vestigial gestures to ease your conscience into thinking that you didn’t just rip the heart out of someone you claimed to care about. Cut it with the self-serving posturing about your sacrifices and efforts: you can placate your conscience without me having to validate it. At all.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

I don’t think I’ve ever been the same, and I feel as though I were merely a shadow of who I used to be. When I gave you the best of me, I was left with nothing for myself, and now I pay the price for that folly. Now, I worry that I may not have anything left to offer anyone else, and this pretty much sets my destiny in stone: happiness simply isn’t in my agenda.

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?

I want you to cry, too. Not because I’m a sadist like that, but I just want to hold you to the time you said that what we had was special and it’s not something you can just turn your back on. Because you know what? You totally did just that. You forgot everything you said, even your very promise on the one day you were supposed to do right by me for a change. Typical. Utterly typical.

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces...

And now, my bridges are burned for no other reason than because I can’t turn to anyone any longer. This has gotten out of hand, like a forest fire left unchecked. As I find myself in the middle of the blaze, I realize that there’s nobody left to hear my cry for help. I’m in this alone. I really am.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding...

People think that when you say you understand something, that makes what happened all right. I’ll give you a clue: no. It doesn’t. Understanding doesn’t make it hurt any less. Just because I completely understand why things couldn’t work between you and me doesn’t mean I can sit and smile about it. If anything, understanding where I screwed up makes me loathe my shortcomings even further. Understanding doesn’t do anything except tell you where the pain is coming from.

‘Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no...

That’s exactly how it is: you’ve moved on quicker than the eye can see while you project the exact same thing upon me. Listen: you’re fine, and you’ve got someone else already. You don’t have to stomp a mudhole in me anymore while I’m down.

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame...

Enough with the trite cliche’s. I see right through you. There’s no shame in being honest enough to realize that hey, you got the better end of this. It’s the self-denial that frustrates me to no end, and the audacity to turn it around and make yourself the victim.

Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name...

To be honest, I fear where I go from here. I guess that’s also why I couldn’t quite just find someone new, because I’m afraid I’m still not whole and nobody would want a broken mess like myself. But then, wouldn’t it be worth it to tell you that you had me at my best while she loved me at my worst?

No. No, it wouldn’t be worth it. Not at all.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no...

You’re happy. I’m not. Good for you. Now, feel free to drop the wishy-washy, half-hearted attempts at making me find my smile again. You didn’t care about me then, why would I want to care about your conscience? Except I’m stupid enough to do exactly that now, aren’t I?

I was in this alone. Ergo, I suffer alone. You’re not fooling anyone here.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and,
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad you’re okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no...

The music says it better than I could ever hope to. When a heart breaks, it simply don’t break even. Stop trying to fool yourself into thinking otherwise, because we know that it’s not for me that you’re doing this, but only for your own peace of mind.

1 comment:

Prudence said...

I love this song. One of the loveliest songs ever.