Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Confessions And Professions: The Unsent Series, Volume 2, Part V...

.:Confessions And Professions: To All The Girls I L… Huh? Wha? - The Unsent Series, Volume 2, Part V:.

I’ve written so many Unsent letters over the past four or so years already, but this effort will probably count among one of the most emotionally draining endeavors I will have to undertake, as I attempt to write quite a number of these letters. Note that I’d be speaking mostly in the present tense even if the person may long be buried in my past already in reality. It helps keep things ambiguous…

I am, by no means, a ladies’ man. I’ve often found myself pining for only one woman at any given time, but if there’s one thing about me, it’s the fact that I do wear my heart on a sleeve. Not always my sleeve, but any given sleeve, nonetheless. This effort, this series of letters, goes out to all those women, past and present, who have caused me to laugh, or to cry, or to smile, or to make my heart skip a beat, or to stop for a moment and want to be a better man.

My life is a far more colorful life thanks to them... for that, no matter what I may have gone through along the way, I thank them. I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if even one of them never came into my life.

I guess the obvious question was who are all these people? Did I love all of them at one point or another? Since I’m a guy and I had to put my neck out and risk rejection, it wouldn’t look like I’m trying to huff myself up or anything, but the high number does seem… well, high.

To be honest, no. I didn’t love all of them. You’ve had former loves, you’ve had longstanding crushes, you’ve had unrequited loves, but you also had fleeting fascinations, moments of vulnerability, and even… mistakes. You live, you learn.

It is my hope that these letters allow me to say what I’ve always wanted to say, and somehow express my gratitude to all these people, albeit in some cases, I may have a rather strange way of expressing my gratitude…

So without further ado, these are my confessions and professions...

Dear Delightful,

We never explored anything with each other, but I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm grateful that you don't mind when I bug you in the middle of the night and pour my heart out to you. I know we hardly know each other, but I'm thankful you listen to me, regardless.

Dear Camino Palmero,

I thought I knew you. All of you. But I guess you were too hasty to judge me, and it's sad, because if you opened your minds up a bit, we could've gotten along marvelously.

Dear Quatro,

The minute you stopped becoming that nice, sweet, girl I once knew, and became the person you are today, I realized that there was no way in Hades we'd ever be together. You're just not the person I once knew, and no amount of words could convey the disappointment I feel whenever I see you now.

What a waste. But shoulda, woulda, coulda are the last words of a fool.

Dear Shackles,

I seem to have a knack of scaring people away when I’m too pushy. You weren’t the first, and you certainly won’t be the last. I apologize, because I must admit, I hate screwing up and then losing a friend in the process.

I hope it’s not too late yet, and we can just pretend none of that ever happened.

Dear Sunshine,

You had this effect on me. You literally made me smile whenever I saw you. Words cannot express how amazing it was, that you had this instantaneous calming effect on me from the very first time I met you. I wanted to get to know you better, and see where it went from there, but alack and alas, it would seem it wasn’t meant to be.

At some point, I put my foot in my mouth, and now, I don’t know if we’d ever talk again. I really wish I knew where I went wrong, or if you’re just really afraid of letting someone come into your life and threaten the status quo.

Either way, I could’ve handled the situation better. But I didn’t. Unlike Shackles, I don’t think I’d have the opportunity to set things right between you and I anytime soon, dear Sunshine. Everything's a mess now with you and me.

I just wish you told me from the get-go what you really thought about all of this…

Dear Luna,

I pushed you away when you were one of the few people who stood by me during my worst moments. I’d apologize for it, but a part of me would rather stay away from you when I’m this vulnerable lest we repeat the mistakes we made in the past.

We know it would never work for you and me. Not when you have someone else in the center of your life, as you rightfully should.

Dear Mirth,

I never had the chance to explore anything with you, simply because even just dating is flat out the last thing on your mind. You’re terribly childlike, and that wide-eyed wonder you have is precisely what drew me to you. You seem oblivious to how much I liked you, but I take it all in stride, because though we’re not terribly close, I’d like to think we’re still friends.

I do worry if you’re slowly catching on and drawing away from me, though. I like your company, and I’m perfectly happy if we just stay this way. You, like Sunshine, have this calming effect on me, but what really does draw me to you is how much we do have in common, and how witty you actually can be.

It never fails to amuse me how completely oblivious you are to the concept of dating, as you preoccupy yourself with all the things that gets you going. You’re an awesome lady, and no amount of you bashing yourself over your Philosophy oral exams can ever undermine that.

Dear Black Angel,

I think you’re pretty, and you are definitely someone any guy would love to have as his own, but surprisingly, I’m not as drawn into you as people could normally assume I would be.

I guess it’s because I can’t help but root for the guy who’s trying to win you over right now. You may not see it, but he’s one of the few persons in this planet who can ever genuinely like you for who you are, and not what you’re famous for. Believe me when I say you wouldn’t want to pass up on a person like that.

That, and I don’t think we’d have anything to talk about if we ever ended up together. Not to knock you much, but you’re simply not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Dear Polar Bear,

We know each other too well. We’re too close to ever be a couple. I know your quirks, your idiosyncracies, and everything that’s wrong about you.

You know my patterns, my predilections, and you’ve seen me at my weirdest.

Despite that, and despite your having rejected any attempt by yours truly to take our friendship anywhere else, when it comes to being a true friend, you’re pretty high up on my personal list. =)

Dear Cold Shower,

Like Polar Bear, you and I are too close.

That, and you’re not my type, and neither am I your type. But I just thought I’d write you anyways, because you’re an A-class friend, and I’d be remiss to forget that fact.

You’re the Cold Shower whenever I need to get out of cloud 9 and back into reality, and for that, I thank you.

Dear Hyala,

I don’t want to go to jail. Maybe in a couple of years, we can talk about that again.

Dear Torch,

I may have not loved you the most of all those I ever loved, but I think it’s safe to say that so far, I’ve loved you the longest. Out of everyone here, I’ve known you the longest, and save for one other person, you are practically the closest friend I’ve ever had.

There’s so much I’ve already told you over the years we’ve known each other, so I find no reason to have to keep on saying anything, other than thank you. For having been there for me, for being brutally frank and honest, for not siding with me when I needed to be reminded I’m in the wrong.

Dear Brilliance,

You really had me spinning for the longest time, and though anything between you and me is all but impossible at this point, I’m grateful to have you as a very good friend. To think it all sprung from a chance encounter with you, and a two-year long trek into trying to be friends with you.

While I never did find myself completely going for you, it was fairly clear that I was into you. You are flat out the smartest person I have ever met, and you have a heart of gold.

I’ll always remember you for the wonderful moments I’ve spent with you. You are one of a kind, and though you’re far away, you never fail to come through for me when I need you the most.

Brilliance, I’ve never quite told you that I love you. But now that I can say it with no hint of romance whatsoever, I want you to know that I do love you. Friends like you make me realize that I must’ve done something right in this life to be able to keep your company.

Dear Fine Frenzy,

Some time ago, I thought we had something special. I told you that your man wasn’t doing right by you, and I could do so much better. You made me feel I could, and you made me feel, at my most vulnerable, that I was doing something right.

But now? I realized that you treat every single guy who gave you any inkling of attention the same way. I willingly backed off because I figured you wanted to stick by your man, but knowing that you’re flirting with another guy who just so happens to be taken as well?

There’s normally a word used for that, and I’d rather not use that word on you, but it just rings so true. It seems that you’d only come into my life only when you needed a proxy boyfriend and then promptly forget all about me when you’re okay again. I really should’ve known better than to think there was anything more to us than that. I let myself be used. I was stupid. But I won’t be stupid any longer.

You are happy with him now. My work here is done. We don't even have to stay friends. We can pretend to be enemies.

Dear Headstrong,

It’s funny how you really don't act your age. And I mean that positively. You simply are more mature than other people your age and you certainly have a good head on your shoulders.

Though we've only ever met once, I was immediately enchanted by you. You're intriguing, captivating, and absobloodylutely confusing. Despite that, I'm glad we're cool with each other, and there's no awkwardness to speak of.

Dear Nobility,

If I played my cards right and learned how to bide my time, would there ever have been a chance for us? Our first date and how you spoke of me seemed to indicate so. But weird circumstances and my aversion for office romances doomed us to failure.

Now that too much has been said and done, where do we even begin to rebuild? Is there even a chance for you and me to ever be on good terms again? I thought it would all smoothen itself over when we're no longer in proximity, but it would appear that the wedge driven between you and me has grown more and more insurmountable.

Truth be told, if there's one reason why I always find it difficult to see myself back where we used to be, it's because most everyone else there has decided you're right and I'm wrong. The mere fact I missed out on a party despite being there at the right time should've clued me in...

Being around you intoxicates me. That much is undeniable...

Dear Firebrand,

I realize how much of a clash we are, and how wishy-washy I probably seem to you, being unable to really make the leap and show you how bad I wanted you. You see that as a sign of weakness, that I have no "balls of steel", as it were, but I hope you'd recognize it as a show of respect that I do not jump into anything with you and just eff everything up again.

I like making you smile, but despite knowing full well I've done right by you, what does strike me the most is that I've never made you feel giddy about me. I don't have that effect on you. Everyone else you gush about seems to have this magic spell over you that I can never quite capture, and it torments me so. I'm not an idiot. I realize I'm simply not the kind of guy you are looking for, but I'm hoping that in time, that could change.

I just want you to know that I respect you and am immensely fascinated by you, and there are very few people who are as strong-willed, assertive, and poised as you are. We may not be at the same stages in our lives, but I think we really could make a go at this if only I found the gumption after everything I've been through.

This respect is precisely why I feel that it is not in the cards for us in the near future, lest I make you feel that you are merely a substitute for love. You are not. You are special, and you deserve to be made to feel that. I was weighed, but I was found wanting. And now, I can only let this moment pass, and there is no greater pain than rejection.

Dear Divine,

I don't know if you'd ever want to have anything to do with me again, but it's unfair to ignore everything we've been through and pretend it was all a lie.

I know you're much happier now without me, but I just wanted you to know I'm not the same person you once knew all those years back, and thank God for that. You deserved far better than who I was back then.

Out of all those who cared for me, I know you loved me the longest, and arguably second only to one...

Dear Pomelo,

I'm sorry I ruined your fairy tale. I wasn't your knight in shining armor, and I didn't know how to accept that it was time to let you go.

In my life, I will always look to you as my favorite mistake. I loved you so much, yet I was too wrapped up in being into you to realize that there was so much we had to overcome before we truly could become together.

I was pushy, I was clingy, and I was madly in love with you. I hope your new one treats you right and would be as devoted to you as I was when we were still together.

If ever you find it in your heart to forgive me, I'll always be here to be a friend to you. I know few people on this planet know and understand you the way I do.

Dear Audacity,

The wounds are still fresh, but I know that while we had to end what we had, it was for our own good.

I never loved anyone as much as I love you, and for my own sake, unless it's the girl I'd be married to, I hope I never will again. I gave my heart, my soul, my everything, just to be worthy of your love, and I know that you loved me more than I could have ever hoped for.

Things didn't pan out for us as I hoped it would, but I'm grateful that you chose to end it on good terms, and still count me as your best friend, as well as leave the door open for us in the future.

While there are no guarantees of what the future holds for us, I know one thing for sure: you are my once in a lifetime. For that, I can never thank you enough.

You are the best friend I ever had, bar none. I can't tell you enough how each day with you felt like a dream come true, and how each day without you now is such an ordeal that I must go through. You can boast of only one person like that in your life, more often than not, if at all. I should be so lucky that I could be proud of someone like you.

If I don't end up in you, I'd always look to you as the one that got away. And to whomever I would love in the future, if I do ever love again in the future, I hope that if you see this letter, you'd understand that and respect that.

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