.:Greeting:.

Hey, Delamar! Happy birthday! Hope you liked the present!

.:Surprised:.

Didn't even know Brian Gomez already left RX. Oh, well. I hope he's doing fine wherever he is...

.:More Troy Gift Packs Were Given Away:.

This Warner Brothers gift pack? Take it! It's yours!

.:Retouched:.

Ran into Jamie Zamodio yesterday, and the fact that we've known each other for longer than we'd care to count really came to the surface, as our conversations were essentially built on things we already knew about each other from the get-go. It was amusing, to say the least. I'm glad to see that she's doing fine as of late, although her forty-page paper is definitely a daunting task for her, to say the least. Still, she had some very valid insighs about me, and it only goes to show how time can really help in making a person know another person better than most other people can. She really can read me far better than I'd like to be read... heh.

In any case, the usual topics were discussed. I think she really believes I'm head over heels, but then, I promptly deny it and chalk it up to a phase. She knows quite well enough that I had a phase before with someone else... in fact, a common close friend of ours... so there...

In any case, she gave me the brilliant idea of dropping by Grace's house to give her a dose of cheer for her examinations... I guess she could use some, and that's precisely what I did.

.:Thank You:.

For the affirmation about hugs and the like, I thank you. And more importantly, for telling me not to feel guilty about being an unintentional terror teacher, I thank you. I don't want a reputation like that, truth be told...

Too bad you weren't in Gratia, though. Wonder if you would've won, like my friend, Charlene Chua (No relation.)? She was the "Crush ng Bayan"... heh. There's good reason why...

.:Dropping In:.

Grace was surprised to see me, but I managed to spend some time with her to just talk to her. She was studying for Biochem, so I couldn't bug her much. Still, we managed to really work out a good deal of things, in anticipation of our fifth year together. The date is already planned for the most part, and the unlikely film to catch is what we plan to catch... White Chicks, that is.

I guess it's just a refreshing time for me. I'm already done with all my schoolwork for this semester, but she's not yet done. I hope she can do well enough. I missed her a lot, and I really had a dearth of good hugs as of late, aside from running into *jaded* and April a couple of days ago.

Grace, I hope you do well when it comes to your final exams. Take care. I missed you a lot, and spending time with you was the perfect way to cap off this semester for me (as a student)... see you again soon.

.:Taken From , Who Got It From ...:.

Before I quote, here're lyrics to a song I heard for the first time today. Wow. How apt.

The Title
by Ciara

Uh, I want the title
Uh, I need the title

Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

Ooh
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

I like your style
The way you dress
The way you smell
Its so intoxicating
I can't help myself
Theres no one else
That makes me feel
The way you make me feel

Refrain:
Gimme your lovin
Gimme your lovin all your love
Cuz i wanna give you
I'm gonna give you all of mine
Whenever your ready
Baby I'm ready to be yours
Just to let you know
This is what i want

Chorus:
I want the title
I wanna be known as your girl
I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend
So let a girl come in your world
I wanna be your lady

Title, the title
I wanna be known as your girl
I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend
So let a girl come in your world
I wanna be your lady

Uh, you gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one

And its all about the way
That you talk
Everytime you say my name
I cant talk
Boy you know you got me
Speechless
Say it again
Boy you know you got me
Speechless
Let the music stop

(Repeat Refrain, then Chorus)

You gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one
(Repeat)

Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

Ooh
Shoo do do do (can i be your girl)
Shoo do do do (let me know)
Shoo do do do

(Repeat Chorus)

You gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one

"The 'parang kayo, pero hindi' stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of 'relationship' can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo -- usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi 'hindi naman kayo.'

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong setup ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang 'pantawid-gutom.' Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that 'kilig' feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, 'okay na iyun, kesa wala.'

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong tiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner.

Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.

Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no 'us.' Meron lang 'you and me,' hindi 'us.'

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang 'parang kayo pero hindi' stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya… almost, but not quite."

.:The Reply:.

(Warning: This will not be as concise and reader-friendly as the above piece. I think the above piece put the whole thing as succinctly as can be, but I feel the need to expound on a certain point of the whole thing, particularly on the point of being in a pseudo-relationship not out of anything but fear of genuine commitment.)

Fear. That's always something that overrides people at one point or another, whether or not they like it. Indeed, whether or not they're willing to admit it.

Maturity? Doesn't matter if you're fifteen or forty-five. Doesn't matter if you're in this curious limbo because you want to play around, or because you hope to get to something far more concrete. It works both ways.

Defining things was never so bad, to begin with. It's just that definitions have gotten to a point that it's so set in stone that there was little room for transcendence. But then, we don't have to go to that etymological kind of interpretation. Defining things simply help us make sense of a world that seems to not make any sense to us at all without definitions. As human beings given limited capabilities and given language as the primary and intuitive means of communication, how can we do otherwise? Oh, we can try to be completely metaphysical and transcend the need for words, as Chinese Philosophy has attempted, but then, how did they get to that point? Didn't they have to make use of words first?

At the very worst, definitions are nothing but stepping stones to the more eidetic meanings of things. And that brings us to relationships.

Happiness can come in knowing where one truly stands, in knowing one's self. Being stuck in limbo can work. I personally don't discount the possibility that claiming such an openness as empowering is a valid point to be made, but then, such an openness is a double-edged sword. You look forward. You wait. But you have no idea what you look forward to, or what you wait for. The good news is that you can get something great for your passivity. The bad news is you can get nothing, or worse, something crummy. There's this cliche that goes that life is a box of chocolates. Unfortunately, you have the same odds of getting the caramel-filled walnut chocolate as you do getting the one filled with coconut.

Being afraid to commit is a sign that connotes many different things. For the most part, however, it can connote a certain level of immaturity. Personally, I'm not the authority on maturity. But then, I realize the need to commit. How else are we supposed to do things? Search for an eidetic answer that we can never really use in this world? Contemplate on the forms? Commitments are as commitments do. Non-commitments are as non-commitments don't. In this regard, I would concede a certain relativity. Some non-commitmens work. Some really do. Lots of commitments don't work. Regardless, it's really up to a person if he or she is willing to take the ambiguity with a grain of salt. I'm not. But I respect that ambiguity enough to stand aside from an openness as though it were a closed possibility. I respect pseudo-relationships enough to regard them as valid relationships that are simply off-limits to me. My short stint at being single as of recent has proven as much to me.

In the end, while the female may usually be on the losing end of the equation for the most part, the person who is outside looking in on the whole equation, the intangible, is the one who has the shortest end of the stick by far. But would anyone give a damn? He's the non-existent third side to the undefined triangle. Let him be miserable on his own.

It's really none of my beeswax, though. It's your prerogative how you want to go about it... that is, until it begins to tear at my heart from time to time... the way it did...

... For a while.

Just for a while.