Friday, October 29, 2004

.:My Current LSS:.

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend
by Nina

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're all right
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear that you'll stay in touch maybe

I'll get by just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night, no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
I'm not over you yet
And I don't think I care
And I don't want to be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want to be is just free of you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night...

You take it casually
And that's what's killing me
I'll get by just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night, no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No, no baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I don't want to be your friend
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
I don't want to be your friend...
I don't want to be your friend


.:Sitting Around…:.

It gets increasingly annoying when one doesn’t have Yahoo Messenger… ::sighs:: here I am right now, in CTC, and being the academic gopher that a Faculty Rep really is, anyways… oh, well.

Nonetheless, I hope that something interesting happens soon enough. It’s increasingly boring here, even though I finally got a hold of YM by sitting in for Joy in her spot, as she had to get her paycheck and all.

Oh, well. Stressful...

.:Working:.

Been working a lot in school the past couple of days. I gave in to indulgence and had a long run at NBA Live after a while... oh, well.

At the same time, it turned out that most of Mr. Bulaong's class were using my weblog for reference. I don't know... it's flattering, but I still wonder how they came across the site... really odd, as far as I'm concerned, as I don't recall telling his students about it...

.:Windfall:.

Peppy would know why, but I can't divulge... a recent windfall of cash came along my way recently. I'm such a vile little bastich...

Thursday, October 28, 2004

.:The Run-In:.
A Fictional Chat Transcript by Marcelle T. Fabie

Author's note: Due to the feedback regarding the story fragment “Torn”, I decided to keep the original ending of the story, instead of the twist epilogue. With that being said, this is a fictional chat transcript that picks up from where the story left off. Expect another related story soon enough, as I originally wanted a certain other story before this one, but chose against it to give some variety within the whole series. I still am looking for a name for the series... feedback on this story will definitely be welcome.

************************************************

Send an IM to: paul_mendez
paul_mendez appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.


mart33n: Paul? You online?
mart33n: Oh, well. Wishful thinking.

paul_mendez: ei, wassup, martin?

mart33n: Not much. I was just wondering how you're doing.

paul_mendez: oh. i'm fine. it's cold here in germany, though.

mart33n: You never told me you went to Germany. I had to hear about that from Geneva.

paul_mendez: oh, ya! silly me...

mart33n: In fact, you never even mentioned to me that you and Geneva were an item already...

paul_mendez: sorry about that, chap. but it wasnt any of your business.

mart33n: You forget that Geneva is my best friend. You forget you're also one of my closest friends, or so I thought. Come on. I think I was entitled to know.

paul_mendez: well, we figured we had to keep it under wraps. you know... we didnt want to make it too public and all...

mart33n: Regardless, that's not really why I was looking for you online. I don't really think asking for reparations over that is the least bit important. I understand.

paul_mendez: i knew you would. so whats on your mind?

mart33n: Why'd you leave Geneva?

paul_mendez: you know I always dreamed about going to germany.

mart33n: Even then. I thought you loved her. I mean, come on. The girl is heartbroken!

paul_mendez: look, mart. i didnt want to do it that way. but i had no choice! its not like i won't go to germany if she didnt want to go with me.

mart33n: But... why not give it time? Maybe she'd come around...

paul_mendez: i thought you were geneva's best friend? you ought to know as well as i do that shes a career woman. she wont do that for me. no way.

mart33n: Do you know that she was an emotional wreck when she talked to me about it? She loves you. She was half-considering following you to Germany already!

paul_mendez: but... i just dont know... it feels weird coming back so soon... im still in the process of job-hunting here...

mart33n: What is wrong with you, Paul? Quit digressing and get to the point here! You love Geneva, right?

paul_mendez: of course!!!


mart33n: Then swallow that pride of yours for once and do yourself a favor: come back!

paul_mendez: why are you doing this? i know you liked geneva all these years. if i may be a bit candid, that's why i was initially aloof towards you, because you were competition.

mart33n: You're digressing again, Paul. You know that all I'm after is her happiness. She's happy with you, she's miserable without you. That should be clear explanation enough why I'm doing this, and...


mart33n: Hmmm... hold on a moment, Paul.

paul_mendez: ok.


Send an IM to: genevacortez104
=) genevacortez104 is now online

mart33n: Hey, genevacortez104! ;) Glad I finally caught you online!
mart33n: You won't believe who I caught online. It's Paul!
mart33n: I think he's coming around already. Maybe he wants you back... >:D<
mart33n: Err... Geneva? You there?

BUZZ!

genevacortez104: Oh. *giggles* Sorry about that. I was... occupied. Hello thre, mart33r...
genevacortez104: Weird computer. I meant, hello there, mart33n... *grins*

genevacortez104: Haven't heard from you in a while. Thought you were avoiding me since the last time you refused to sleep with me over at my place. *winks* I'm kidding, of course.

mart33n: That's fine, Geneva...


genevacortez104's status is now: Busy, busy, busy! Pffftt...

mart33n: Oh, well...

Send an IM to: paul_mendez
paul_mendez appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.


mart33n: Sorry about that, Paul. I just caught Geneva online.
mart33n: Now's your chance! Talk to her! Maybe the two of you can work something out!
mart33n: I hope you guys can work this out... I really do... She's on busy status, but I'm sure she won't ignore you.
mart33n: Uhh... Paul?
mart33n: Yoo-hoo!

BUZZ!

mart33n: Oh, well...


Are you sure you want to log out? You will not be able to send or receive messages.

YES
.:The Godfather:.

Grace's elder sister, who recently gave birth, has picked me by default to be the godfather of her daughter...

Wow. Talk about making sure I stay in touch with Grace for the years to come, regardless what happens. =D

.:Never Saw It That Way...:.

I personally avoid reading a lot into stories. Besides, I know that if you want me to know something about how you feel, you'll tell me. ^_^

Of course I would. If I knew the right way to say it. ::sighs::

.:Breaking News:.

Robi the Rascal is leaving WAVE soon. That means I'll be taking over his timeslot every single time I can...

I don't know if that's good news... I guess that explains precisely why he was gone the whole week last week.

When I told JayBee about it, she replied...

That means you'll have the show to yourself! Hey, do you need a female partner? Hahaha!

When I told Abby that if she were a guy, then it would've been great if she could apply for the job, she then replied...

What's wrong with me? I look like a guy now because of my haircut. =) And you can tell sir Joe that we work well together on air... =)

That's true, though. Abby and I used to be partners in an AM radio portion, and we really had great rapport. I think it's still there to this day...

.:Interesting...:.

It's been quite a while since I last managed to bond with Lani, and it's been interesting hearing from her, really. I guess everyone does have their own respective problems with relationships, regardless how perfect things may seem to be on the outside.

I'm glad I got the chance to talk to her, though. I've stated my case and my issues with certain people about certain topics for so many times already in the past. I figure it's a good idea for me to simply just be happy that someone somehow felt a bit better by telling me about her problems. I know the things she went through were anything but easy, but she has a good head on her shoulders, really.

Nonetheless, I'm glad, all the same. I feel that things would somehow sort themselves out when the time is right for her. I wish the same could be said for me, though...

Sigh...

.:Gone:.

It's not quite the same, anymore.

Some friends whom I used to regard so highly just simply drifted away from me for no apparent reason. Not a specific group, mind you. Individuals here and there, who just drifted away as though I suddenly lost their friendship to some rather saddening extent.

For instance, when I ran into this particular friend of mine, I could hardly engage myself so actively in a conversation with that friend. I was rather aloof and distancing myself, as I simply felt like I couldn't quite approach that friend of mine the way I used to... it was sad, really. There was this invisible wall between us, and I just didn't know how to break through it.

This other friend of mine is rather similar. We used to share a lot of time together just talking about this or that thing and relationships in general. For some odd reason, it all just stopped.

If it were just my fault, I'd be less sad about it. At least, I know it's something I could change.
But it's not purely my fault. There are way too many intervening factors that make their presence felt throughout the whole equation...

It's too bad, really. I guess despite my being low-maintenance and all, there are still some things that I simply cannot do away with when it comes to a friendship...

.:At Last:.

I finally met up with Maia after the longest time. Of course, the fact that going to La Salle is quite a bastich to do sort of contributed to the dearth of visits to the place lately.

In any case, Maia and I talked mostly about how she's been doing lately, from her band, to her erstwhile relationship that still feels... complicated.

I won't divulge more than I need to, but needless to say, I hardly believe it's over between them, really. Just because one or the other would act like a diva/superwoman does not mean that “moving on” is going to happen right away. I highly doubt it.

I was rather disturbed by the whole bit about dedicating songs, though. I don't quite see why he picked those songs... at the same time, I don't need to be fed vivid images of Maia's grandparents... err... reproducing. She was rather fond of injecting images in my head that were just plain wrong... she even showed a very disturbing image of a new species of dinosaur...

It's been good seeing Maia again. It's been a while, and inasmuch as I'd love to be there every week, my schedule definitely does not allow that to happen... oh, well.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

.:Dashed:.
A Monologue by Marcelle T. Fabie

It's always been the same old story from day one: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets back with girl after some dire situation. It's always been so predictable.

That is, until he came along.

Albert was different from everyone I had in the past. Of course, I say that about every single guy I've ever made the mistake of falling for, but all for different reasons, of course. Regardless, Albert was different because when it came to him, I was never really sure of anything.

From day one, there were few things I was certain of when it came to him. Everything was vague. Everything was open-ended. For some time, that worked for me. Soon enough, I realized how exasperating it can get when I really don't know where I stand with him. I mean, does he love me? Does he even give a damn about how I feel? Or am I just feeling the same way every other girl around him feels? Maybe I'm not as special as I think I am. Maybe I'm just as good as the other girl.

Sometimes, I wonder. I want to take a chance at times and just go and spit out what's been eating me for the longest time. This is slower than slow burn... but I can't do anything about it, because for all I know, I'd just get rejected for it, and I'd end up losing the special thing we already have.

Maybe he loves someone else already. For all I know, he could just be in denial, but he already is in love. Maybe the fact that he's in denial explains why I can't get a straight answer from him when I teasingly ask him about the chances we have of getting together.

I used to hate a lot of things. Every time I saw him flirting with another girl, every time I saw him giving some cute Chinese girl the eye, I half wanted to wring his neck, because he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I'm there. I was a victim of the whole “one of the boys syndrome”. Then for some strange reason, it almost completely stopped. Suddenly, despite his wandering eye, his stories began to be dominated by just one person.

I hate it. It gets progressively worse every single time I hear him tell me how much he likes this particular girl, Sarah, I smile at him and listen eagerly, but I get hurt, too. Despite that, I consciously back off from making him feel awkward. The way I constantly back off like that, I act around him as though he were married. How pathetic is that?

I'm such a hopeless martyr. I love him, but I refuse to love him romantically. Sometimes, I realize that this whole concerted effort to not fall in love with him is in itself already an admission that there's something there. Regardless, I just have to keep on trying to shut him out of my life in that way.

But I don't want him out of my life. He's special. He makes me happy. I know that this is just wishful thinking on my part to hope that I have a chance with him, but I know it makes perfect sense for me to just be there for him. In the back of my head, arrogantly romantic little me says that he needs me.

Of that much, I'm certain that I'm right.


.:Fear:.
A Monologue by Marcelle T. Fabie

I've been friends with Andrea for years. Sometimes, I even think of her as the best friend I've ever had. In so many ways I can't begin to describe, Andrea has simply been special. I don't think I've ever run into someone who's been so sweet to me.

I'm not psychic, but I'm far from dense. Andrea and I have shared a bond that is awkwardly hovering between friendship and romance. Then again, I guess I just don't have that kind of attraction for her. Maybe that would change, but then, maybe not. Only time can tell really.

I know I'm being such a nasty wretch here, considering how I seem to be stringing Andrea along, but in reality, that's not the intention. Andrea is a great friend. I don't know if she understands my feelings, but I make no bones about the things I believe in.

I've been scarred at so many points in my life before. I know she's aware of that. The past trauma that I've been through left an indelible mark on me, to the point that whenever anything remotely reminds me of that trauma, I immediately clam up. I know I'm being irrational here, but then, Andrea reminds me way too much about the last person I saw myself spending forever with.

Even then, I can't help but wish that she'd stop getting her hopes up, because I really don't want to give her false hope. I'm not being an arrogant buffoon who just assumes that she's into me. I'm just pointing out the painfully obvious: I'm hurting the most special friend I've had thus far in my life, and the only way to take away the pain is to lie. I don't love her. I don't know if I can, but at this point, I probably can't. Pretending to love her may be a stopgap measure of sorts, but in the end, it won't work if it's all a sham.

I sometimes feel guilty whenever she jokingly asks me about the latest developments between me and Sarah. I know she's trying to strike up a conversation, but it hurts her when she does it. Even then, it's not like I'm sure about Sarah, anyways. I'm at a point right now where committing myself is the last thing I'd want to do. Let things remain open. It's safer that way, and it leaves the possibility for something even better to come along. I've been hurt too many times in the past. No point in welcoming even more pain with open arms.

I'm too young to be thinking of forever, truth be told. I'm being honest when I say that fear has held me back way too many times. It's sad, but I can't change that.

Despite everything everyone says, I'm still undeniably human. In the end, even if I highly doubt the possibility of us ever being together, I have to admit one thing…

I definitely need her in my life, in whatever capacity that may be. She's that inexplicable bright spot in my day no matter how bad it gets.


.:Drained:.

I have so many ideas swimming in my head, and I can't write them out. Sigh... such a bad, bad case of writer's block... hopefully, one dry spell that I can deal with soon enough...

Even then, I'm nearing fifteen quality poems already. I just need to give a good title to them. I'm leaning towards an homage to Maroon 5, for no apparent reason. How does “Poems for Jane” grab you?

.:Suspicion:.

I have this sinking feeling that I'm not too welcome on the Seventh Realm forums... oh, well. What else is new?

.:Tamagotchi Baby:.

Hearing this song from the Eraserheads really made me just feel rather odd... or am I just putting way too much meaning into everything that's remotely connected to Japan?

Anyways, the reply when I said the said song reminded me of her...

Feed me! Preferably with chocolate! ;)

My retort...

Sure. Just swing by before December, and I'll treat you to the Manila Peninsula chocolate buffet.

Oh, I'm sorry. You can't? Well, that's just too bad, isn't it? ::/taunt::


.:Owwwwww!!!:.

So Grace convinced me to have a couple of sessions with a dermatologist, and at first, the treatment seemed okay. They were putting stuff on my face that felt cool, and it was a light facial massage for the most part.

And then, next thing I knew, it felt like someone was stabbing my face repeatedly. It hurt like Hades, to say the least.

Hopefully, the slight improvement to my... visage was worth the extreme amount of pain that was... err... inflicted on me.

I asked my mom to sponsor this endeavor... and then I SMSed her...

Aray... ang sakit nung treatment. Parang sinasaksak ng paulit-ulit ang mukha ko...

The reply...

Hahaha! Ang arte mo, eh. Di tiisin mo!

Crazy mom... heh.

.:Online Trading:.

I'm trying to get my hands on some good Magic cards... hopefully, I can manage to get someone to trade with online through OB. It'd really work to my favor to have a direct source from the States... it'd be extremely convenient, to say the least, especially once I start gunning for the Power 9 cards...

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

.:Everyone's Invited:.

People who can, see you at Metrowalk East in Ortigas this Friday, 8 PM, for the WAVE Strange Encounters Halloween Party. Creepiest costume wins 10,000 pesos, and there will be a film viewing, and the piece de resistance, a magic show by the Stranger himself, Mr. Eric Mana.

Hope to catch you people there. Let me know in advance, and I'll gladly entertain you. =)

.:Unexpected:.

hey.. im not sure if you know me.. im the friend of jeff dayrit... you guys play magic in the bench, anyway, id really like to thank you for your weblogs. im sure a lot of people benifit from it. i had mr. bulaong last sem and surprisingly i got a B+. your weblog really helped big time. id just like to say thanks :) goodluck with your teaching career :)

- Kara


Apparently, my answers to Mr. Bulaong's thesis statements still make the rounds. Wonder how they got it, though. My curiosity is killing me... heh. I don't remember telling Mr. Bulaong's current students about it... heh. Very interesting development, as far as I'm concerned...

.:Welcome Back!:.

Welcome back, Madame Jess! Glad to see you're back! Wish I'd see you again soon... :)

.:Burnout:.

Five revolutions do take their toll on me. Sigh... I wish things were easy, but there are just too many signs pointing for me to take another road in the next five revolutions. I hate being cryptic about this, but I have to.

It's not right. It's not fair. But then, what can I do?

Monday, October 25, 2004

.:Ill-Planned:.

I went to Madison in hopes of watching yesterday's Vintage Magic tournament. Unfortunately, it turns out that the tournament was actually in Glorietta, so I instead decided to go to Megamall to play NBA Live... I love the slam dunk competition. I need to work on catching Alley-oops and completing 360-degree dunks, though...

.:At Long Last:.

Due to all the things that have been harassing me lately, I cannot write any film reviews for the time being. Needless to say, I really enjoyed the Punisher, and immensely got amused with the witty dialogue in the film. The comedy was actually very well-timed, and in contrast to Daredevil, particularly funny. I really liked the part where Howard Saint was asked by his son where the right-hand man Quentin was, and Howard said “He's wrapped up in something”, then when asked about the mother, he says, “She left. She took the train.”

If you saw the film, you'd get the joke.

The killer was the final confrontation, though...

Castle: You took everything from me.

Saint: You killed my son!

Distant Voice: Noooooo!!! *explosion*

Castle: Both of them.


Sheer genius... this film is worthy of an A-/A for me... could've been a flat A, but I think that if the kid in the film was smart, he would've detonated the mine before Castle left, so that the both of them would die already. Dumb kid...

Friday, October 22, 2004

.:A Run-In:.

Ran into Emily Fenix a while ago after work. She's apparently working for "Shop With No Name" now, and it was interesting, really. She hasn't changed much. Still the wide-eyed, interesting conversationalist that she was. Can't help but be pleased about it, as I honestly had a recent dearth of hugs, and one from her certainly helped pick me up again after all the recent sad stuff...

I hope to meet her again, soon. I asked her for a letter as well when I found the time to squeeze it into the discussion. It's been great seeing her again, and I'm glad we still keep in touch... She probably would drop by the Philosophy department soon enough, according to her. That'd be great.

.:Sort Of Starstruck:.

Stupid me didn't get a picture for this, but...

George and I interviewed Pops Fernandez this morning about her new album. It was interesting, really, as I was tempted to contact a certain friend of mine ::winks:: about it, but decided not to stir up any trouble...

Pops is prettier in person than she is on television, in my opinion. She's very nice and affable, and I have a feeling she hasn't had interviews with Boy Abunda lately, because when I asked her who she sees when she looks into the mirror, she felt that it was such a deep, philosophical question. I found that funny, but then didn't bother informing her about the source of the question...

In any case, it was fun, really. The interview went smoothly for the most part, although I didn't have a mic or headphones throughout as Pops had them. Nonetheless, it was all good...

... and she kissed me on the cheek after the whole thing. Yay.

.:Mini Date:.

Grace and I were supposed to watch the Doll Master, but instead opted to just have dinner instead in Tokyo Tokyo. Must remember to always bring the Nakarami card from now on... oh, well.

Grace and I had fun, really, and she even watched me rack up eight straight wins on Marvel vs. Capcom II.

And we noticed one thing... finally! A new Capcom fighting game! Weird-looking system, though... but it's all good...
.:White Chicks:.

I’m thinking about reviewing “White Chicks”, but I currently don’t feel like it. Maybe some other time… but I think it gets at least a B/B+ from me. The comedy was fine, but too much toilet humor didn’t work for me. I think writing film reviews lately hasn’t been so appealing…

.:Sort Of Inspired:.

Two new poems going around in my head: one is titled “Un”, the other “Re”. Never mind. I’ll show you jabronis when I get around to writing it.

.:Farewells Aren’t Always Sad:.

I hung around the Philosophy department after a while of dilly-dallying at the house. Soon enough, things turned out interesting despite my bad headache when we mobilized to Trellis for the farewell dinner for Mr. Callassanz (Who gave me a copy of Lady Chatterly’s Lover. Thank you, sir!) and Mr. Bulaong. Mr. Callassanz will be gone for about a year, while Mr. Bulaong will be gone for at least two.

Trellis was actually an old hangout during the 1980’s, akin to how Eastwood is the place to be nowadays. Dr. Ibana knew about it, my mom knew about it. That proves my point. Anyways, the food was great. Mostly beer match food such as sisig and crispy pata, so I really enjoyed eating. The sisig could’ve been toasted some more, though. It’s much better that way.

Lots of the department were there, although Ate Maan, the other secretary, wasn’t there. Her partner in crime, Kuya Jomel, was constantly being asked about her whereabouts. What’re they? A love team? =)

Dr. Dy, though on sabbatical, was present. So was Dr. Garcia, who was the social butterfly of the night.

Our table had the people with the biggest appetites, though. Any excess food went to us. That was the table composed of myself, Kuya Jomel, Albert Lagliva, Andrew Soh, Mr. Strebel, April Capili, and Mike Mariano. Huge appetites on these people… heh. And the comedy was top-notch. Lots of talk about children, and then Andrew said something which made for interesting news later on…

After the dinner, we then had some interesting short conversations afterwards, and apparently, I was beginning to have a reputation as a “brutal” teacher with how I loved asking trick questions during the orals in between all the “beauty queen” questions…

Mr. Bulaong: Sir Enyeng, brutal ba si Marcelle magtanong?

Marcelle: I’m nice…

Dr. Barbazza: Dinig ko nagpapaiyak iyan ng estudyante, eh. Kabagu-bago pa lang

I'm going to miss these guys when they leave... It won't be quite the same without them around...

Afterwards, I went homeward bound, but chose to spend an hour online before going home at the internet rental center near our house…

.:The Impromptu Planning Committee:.

So there I was, and I ran into Sacha online. Soon enough, I got myself invited to a conference discussion between myself, Tita Harvey, Sacha, and Dominique.

Interesting snippets happened, especially since while Tita Harvey was talking to me about my fifth anniversary, she was giving Ching’s office address, which proved hilarious as she inadvertently sent the information to me instead…

But then…

voldemort02: Good evening, Dominique.
dominique_cimafranca: Hullo, Marcelle.
harvey_chua: Good evening, Marcelle.
voldemort02: Good evening, Mrs. Chua.
harvey_chua: My daughters’ friends call me tita.
voldemort02: Sorry, Tita Harvey. Force of habit.
dominique_cimafranca: *Dominique stifles uncontrollable laughter*

Mental note: get used to calling her Tita Harvey…

Anyways, “planning” as it were didn’t last long, as she logged off, and Dominique followed suit, soon enough, and that left me and Sacha, and I still had a few minutes of internet time left.

voldemort02: What can I tell you in five minutes?
sachachua83: *giggles* Don’t worry about it, Marcelle.
sachachua83: *hugz* I’ll still be here next time, you know.

voldemort02: Yeah… by the way, a good friend of mine baked a cake for Grace for our anniversary. It was so loaded with chocolate!
sachachua83: You’re mean. That’s not fair.
voldemort02: Gyeh? Mean?
sachachua83: Yes. Mean. You call talking to me about chocolates like that fair?

Later on… the really funny conversation began…

voldemort02: Andrew Soh speaks of you in the department...
sachachua83: *blink* Like?
voldemort02: Of course, once he asked me why I knew you so much, I had to give the safe, non-sticky answer.
voldemort02: That you were batchmates. Not much beyond that.
sachachua83: What, you're ashamed of being one of my friends?
voldemort02: No, Sach.
voldemort02: I gave the safe, non-sticky answer.
sachachua83: *sniff* And to think we have almost weekly get-togethers...
voldemort02: You do know what that is, right?
sachachua83: What's so sticky about that?
voldemort02: Or don't you?
voldemort02: I figured as much.
sachachua83: If that's how you treat people you've slept with before... ;)
sachachua83: Don’t tell him about that part, though. :P


I was laughing my head off with this one… it just sounds so wrong, especially coming from her.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

.:What A Day:.


Kel-o going sol-o all the way ‘til three-o… you know?



So I had a weird dream about telling someone I'd “kick them so hard they'd spit their mouth out”... really crazy...

I won’t say much about today, and let the pictures do the talking for the most part…


I can’t possibly miss out on this photo op…



Still, I did my boardwork alone, but some surprises were bound to happen. As it was my fifth anniversary with Grace, it was fairly obvious I had something special cooking in mind, and it was fairly clear that Grace was going to be pretty much taken by surprise for the most part...

As I did Waveback Wednesday on my own, I immensely appreciated it when Grace showed up in the booth, as per what we talked about. Introductions happened soon enough, and then Anne and Jda were ribbing us that we should do something more... productive than have a wholesome date like go someplace dark and private. It was funny how that went...

In any case, soon enough, things turned surprising when she left for a while, as a good friend of mine, April, showed up. She had something special ready, and Grace was completely taken aback when she got the surprise... this is what I meant...


Lovely…



In any case, Grace and I then had April tag along with us to Pizza Hut, where we had a delicious meal with the Roast Beef stuffed crust pizza. It was great, and I have to say that things really picked up. I'm glad Grace was getting along very well with April... I guess I really owe April one for that nice favor... if only I had a picture... next time, I guess. Heh.

So there we were, just chatting away for the most part. April was fairly amused over my story with Grace. Needless to say, retelling the story has always been an entertaining event and this was no exception...

Soon enough, Grace and I then walked April back to her driver so she can go home, and that's when we watched White Chicks. I'll give a review of that next time, I suppose...

Grace and I had a wonderful date. Much gratitude to April for the wonderful cake, and I can only hope this is the start of even better times in the near future.

.:Monday Night War!!!:.

I finally have the Monday Night War VCD, and I am immensely pleased about it. Everything I could ask for is in the VCD… all the momentous times in both the WWF and the WCW were covered, and it was splendid how it all worked out. I just wish they refrained from calling the WWF as WWE when it still was the WWF, in the first place.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

.:Gratitude:.

My wholehearted thank-you to Ma'am Sining who sent me a postcard from Switzerland! I was pleased as punch to hear from her, and I'm glad she remembered my birthday.

I'm also grateful to Jonsi for likewise sending me a postcard. I'll post part of the contents some time soon, if it's cool with him. It's really fun what he had to say... something about the best Chinitas being all here in the Philippines... that postcard was unexpected, but a welcome surprise, nonetheless. I was surprised he remembered. :)

.:Hmm…:.

My brain feels like mush. Guess why…

I’ll give you a hint. Just don’t call me Betty.

.:Amazing!!!:.

Vince McMahon: 7 Handsize, 4 Superstar Value. You may pack RAW and Smackdown cards. You cannot play a non-foreign object maneuver unless it is a 0F maneuver. Your cards titled “No Chance In Hell” are considered set-ups and ignore the “from opponent’s hand” text. Your opponent cannot play any cards with the word “Vince” in the title.

Don’t Forget Who Pays Your Salary!: Reveal this from the Backstage area, with your superstar card. Search your arsenal for the card titled “Don’t Cross The Boss” and place it in your ringside pile. Your fortitude value is always considered to be lower than your opponent’s fortitude value.

Vince McMahon is really promising. This ought to be good.

.:More Things To Consider:.

Had a long chat with Erika Canlas today. Fairly interesting, to say the least. High school life certainly had its merits, and being friends with some of the greatest people in Don Bosco Sta. Mesa was certainly one of them. Topics were rather diverse, but enjoyable for the most part…

.:Finally:.

I’m now part of the 7th Realm forums for Magic. I hope the not-so-subtle hint I saw regarding me in one of the posts doesn’t indicate that my sudden entry into the forums is not a welcome development to Mondu and the others… they didn’t seem to want to talk about my match result with Mondu in the first match… that’s odd… I don’t think I did anything that should be considered offensive, and the Kamigawa deal was an honest oversight…

.:Solo Again:.

I was swamped with multi-tasking, but I managed to hold my own… heh. George was out, so I had to take over the boardwork. Needless to say, it was rather… stressful…

Tomorrow, as Robi is out again… gakk. Even more stress.

.:Checking:.

Finally have the Monday Night Wars on me! Yay.

Calculated grades for Dr. Ibana today… it was interesting. Nobody got an A at all. Even more interesting, Vivian Ng volunteered to help compute the grades, although of course that didn’t push through. Now wouldn’t that be nice… heh.

Afterwards, I had dinner with Dr. Ibana in Max’s. We talked about future plans, and there’s a chance I might not be teaching in Ateneo or be a teaching assistant by next year, given the tight competition going on. I’m underqualified in contrast to the other Philosophy majors who are applying, so that poses a problem. If that be the case, then I have no recourse but to take another job while continuing my DJ work and my studies…

Which brings me to the possibility of considering Binswanger again. I got in touch with sir Bullet, and we’re having coffee on Thursday in Makati. Hopefully, I can send out feelers if I’m welcome there by next year if in case I don’t land the T.A. job. Otherwise, it’s time to also consider that thing with Regis… as soon as my braces get removed, that is. Not being a T.A. means I have more time for this one, and the income is fairly good, and it shouldn’t be more than three years of this at most… isolated days of shoots and all… hopefully…

So there we go… Dr. Ibana gave me more information than I needed to hear, though… about certain people he courted in Ateneo. Did I need to know that? :P

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

must be

.:The Joke:.

Card Name: Platinum Angel

Card Type: Artifact Creature- Angel

Casting Cost: 7

Power And Toughness: 4/4

Card Text: Flying. Your opponent cannot WIN the game and you cannot lose the game.

The joke: Because Champions of Kamigawa was not yet legal, I got DQ'd for playing a CoK card. What does the player to my right say?

He can't lose! He has Platinum Angel out!

Sheer hilarity.

.:Noteworthy:.


Jason, this one's for you... pag okey na yung picture. ;)



I can't help but be pleased as punch with today's goings-on. For the most part, I really didn't do much beyond play cards in Neutral Grounds and make a few key purchases. It was really important to me to just go and get some really important things out of the way, so I really gave a lot of effort to acquiring sideboard stuff...

Still, before the whole deal with M:TG, and the planning with April for something special soon regarding someone familiar ;), I met up with JayBee today, along with Daws, one of her co-campus Aircheckers. It was all good, really. It was pretty entertaining how things turned out in the booth, as they were marveling at how nice our facilities in WAVE were, compared to theirs. I can't help but agree with them, though. Considering how rich GMA is, I would assume that they can afford something... better than that...

I mostly entertained them by telling them about how things work in WAVE, from the playlist clock that we follow, to the song remixes that I'm pretty sure they haven't heard yet, particularly the Usher and Kalena remix of Confessions Part II. I also played that remake of Tamia's for “Careless Whisper”, and yes, I was on my own, as Robi seemed to be on leave for a week. One of the listeners was really distraught over that, though... is she a rebound girlfriend or something? Oh, well... not my business to find out...

In any case, I had a nice time talking to JayBee and Daws. It was fairly entertaining, to say the least, and I was immensely pleased with how things turned out for the most part. I only hope that I managed to entertain them well enough and not let them feel so left out, in spite of my being rather busy with the console and being online as such.

After my boardwork, I left with them to her mom's office, so I already met JayBee's mom. Nice, people...

Imagine what would've been the case if I never even went to LS on that day... I don't think I'd be showing up there much any longer, really. Meeting JayBee was mostly by chance, so I guess it's something to be grateful for that I have a friend like her...

Monday, October 18, 2004

.:Magic!!!:.

Friday night was spent mostly playing Magic, and I am currently fairly confident about my chances in the Sunday tournament. At the very least, I could make it past the eliminations if we're getting a Top 8. The deck is very consistent, and this version of 7/10 Split has almost all the bases covered. I figure I'd be doing fairly well with this deck. Of course, the fact remains that I was up against Powered decks for the most part last Sunday. That explains the dismal 2-4 record... still, not bad for an unpowered deck.

In any case: a tournament recap from my point of view...

Round 1: My opponent was Mondu. He was using a Landstill deck that I've played against so many times before. Unfortunately for me, I was unfamiliar with how the Chalice worked, so I thought that a Chalice for 0 would mean that people can't use Force of Will. Unfortunately, I was wrong on that count. Still, that wasn't a factor in the match at all. He won the first game via standard Man-land beatdown.

Second game saw me pull away with a victory via welded Sundering Titan on the second or third turn. He couldn't do anything about the Titan anymore, so the death of the Goblin Welder was moot to me.

Third game saw him win against me with the same beatdown. I couldn't do much at that point, as I was really slowed down. The lack of Mishra's Workshops was underscored by this one...

The Chalice for 0 kept him from using his Black Lotus, which was always in his opening hand. It was funny how I accidentally hit him with the Chalice every single time...

Round 2: My opponent was a cleric deck who gains infinite life via a Shaman En-Kor and then a Cleric target that gains toughness every time it gets targeted. Ergo, it would be very simple for him to do the infinite life combo in virtually no time at all. The first game was a walk in the park for me. I let him have infinite life, and he even had Serra Avatar out. However, I had a blocker all the time, and all I had to do was block the Avatar and then weld out the blocker so that I'd stay alive. Soon enough, Memnarch gained control of all his permanents.

Unfortunately, I didn't know that the Champions of Kamigawa expansion was not yet legal. Ergo, I ended up getting a game loss for that disqualification. It was a bad call of a technicality.

Second game was something I should've won, but I got too greedy. Thing is, I was alive in the game simply because the Platinum Angel was still alive. However, I was rushing the game too much, and ended up playing a Memory Jar, and forgot to take into account the possibility that my opponent could play an Oxidize. I was confident about Naturalize and the like because of Chalice for 2, but then, the Angel got Oxidized... gak. I lost shortly afterwards.

Round 3: I was up against a Fish deck. Classic mismatch for me, plus I never got my hands on a Welder or mana acceleration throughout the match. I was beaten down and I never stood a chance. I'd blame it on bad shuffling, but two losses are two losses, regardless of circumstance.

Round 4: Finally, my chance to not go home with a 0-6 record. I went up against an unpowered Trinistax deck. First game was sheer luck for me. He had artifacts here and there, but I had a Gorilla Shaman to ruin his artifact lands, and a Welder as my first drop. Every time he played a key artifact, I'd promptly weld it out into the artifact land and wreck that land with the mox monkey. Needless to say, all I was waiting for was a big creature, and the moment I got one, he scooped.

Second game was bad for me. Not only was I slowed down heavily, but my opponent managed to Tinker into a Masticore way too early in the game. Because that meant my Welders were defenseless, I ended up losing soon enough. I didn't have any means of dealing with the Masticore at that point, as he kept on destroying my lands here and there.

Third game was close. I had two Welders, and he was protecting his lone copy, as he kept on welding back the Lightning Greaves to keep himself alive. Unfortunately for him, two Welders and a Triskelion would ruin his day the moment the Greaves left the table. It wasn't long before that happened, as the first time around, I killed his Metalworker before being active because of the Triskelion. Soon enough, the Titan arrived, and it was academic from there.

Round 5: I was up against a classic Sliver deck. First game, my opponent had a bunch of Slivers out, but I managed to over come them by welding in a Sundering Titan five or so turns into the game. The moment Crystal Sliver died, the Triskelion then went to town with the other Slivers. It was easy to know what was going to happen next from then on.

Second game, he swamped me with Slivers, and I never got a chance to see a Welder throughout the match. I think all it took were a Crystal Sliver and a Muscle Sliver to do me in.

Third game was exciting. First turn, land, Sol Ring, go. Second turn, land, Chalice of the Void for two. He then looked aghast at me from across the table, as he realized that a good chunk of his Slivers were 2CC. I eventually got a Welder in play and even had a Duplicant and Sundering Titan taking care of business for me.

Round 6: I wasn't really into the game by this round, as I was a bit annoyed during the supposed re-pairing that happened. As I thought it was going to be a re-pairing, I ended up not playing decently during the first game. My opponent was a red Sligh deck. I managed to Weld in a Sundering Titan by around fourth turn, but I was down to four life at that point. He sacked two Mountains to Fireblast me, which I responded to with a Force of Will. And then he bolted me. I was down to three life because of the Force.

Second game was worse. This time, he got me with the Ankh of Mishra and picked on the Welder this time. Needless to say, I got killed by a Forked Fireblast around turn five or six. Sligh can actually get away with stuff like that in our metagame... hmmm...

.:Weekend Recap:.

In any case, the orals during Friday were interesting for the most part. There weren't too many people who just stood out as extremely noteworthy, but even then, it was still just fine. I guess the last day of orals just whizzed by me for the most part, although I particularly enjoyed Paul Ignacio's orals, and was fairly surprised about the accident Ken Tan got into. It kind of became quite an interesting development of sorts.

Apparently, both Mr. Callassanz and Mr. Bulaong are finally leaving abroad soon. As such, I will be going with the Philosophy department for dinner on Thursday night. This ought to be interesting, to say the least...

Had a long conversation with April last Sunday before going to the Magic tournament. It was about her Philosophy orals, and life experiences in general. Can’t help but feel a bit down about the whole deal, though… the conscience factor was kicking in again, thanks to what April had to say about my current curious status… oh, well. Can’t do anything about that…

.:Saturday Mayhem:.

After all this time, I finally got to meet up with JayBee from LS again. It was extremely gratifying to run into her again. I met up with John Hendrix and Jimmy Jam, among other people, and then a whole slew of Campus Radio Air Checkers, from Gene the Machine, to atypical Assumption girl Cathy, to fellow Comm Atenean Lizette. The whole place was packed for the most part, and we were just exchanging stories. Cathy stood out as the girl who was into CCG's and wrestling, which really surprised me. Atypical Assumptionista is really an apt description for her.

In any case, I had fun that day. We had pizza after a while, but the conversations really revolved around simple things like my not watching too much MTV, the songs I don't hear on our playlist, and so forth. JayBee was introducing me as “Marcelle” on the air, but thankfully didn't bother mentioning that I was from WAVE. It was fun, really. When I started talking to Lizette about grades, though, it felt like the Friday conversation I had with Greggy Panga and another student of mine. I was talking about who to take, and hearing about Mr. Dy-Liaco's strange turnaround, and then Lizette was actually in the same area where Elbert and I had our immersion: Olongapo. Even more interesting were the songs that were brutalized in the bar: “Let Me Be The One” by Jimmy Bondoc, for instance...

Afterwards, I ended up going to Greenhills and tagged along with Gene and Cathy while en route, as we all were taking the MRT. It was fun, really. Talk about cards, and general bonding made me feel like I really have a nice bunch of friends here, even if the glaring realization is that I was never really an Air Checker. At least, not an official one, as I simply got hired by WAVE before I could get into it. Still, here I am, fairly happy about the turnout nonetheless, and I stand to meet JayBee again on Monday, as I will be entertaining her on WAVE this time. I ought to ask her that letter favor, soon, though...

Oh, well...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

.:Memorable:.

As I often tell the winners for the Troy gift packs, and this applies to the students, obviously… you want a good grade? Take it! It’s yours!

In any case, it’s been very entertaining for the most part. In the middle of all the funny exchanges between me and Camillo, today’s batch was arguably the smartest batch I ran into. I had no idea how Vivian Ng and Haydee Hsu did during the orals, though. Beyond their grades, I have no idea at all… oh, well.

In any case, here’re some notable things that happened today, per student…

Camille Legaspi: Brilliant, brilliant person. She had a ready answer for everything, and was smart enough to realize why Jesus Christ’s sacrifice does not violate Kant’s universal moral laws. Her insights were refreshing, and I was really impressed with her aura of confidence. There was no doubt that she was sure she’d do well.

Patricia Migallos: Witty cannot begin to capture it. At one point, she managed to answer the question about Bro. Eli Soriano’s habit of consulting the Bible as a substitute for his conscience. Moreover, she then told Dr. Ibana why experience alone is not the sole prerequisite for conscience: her mom said giving birth was painful. Does she really have to go through it to know, or could she afford to take her mom’s word for it? That was a witty line from her, to say the least…

Karyn Monter: Informed us that a previous student was crying, but this time, it wasn’t my fault… in any case, she answered the question pretty well, and she really was interesting to converse with.

Monette Alvero: Was scared to death with this bit…

Marcelle:Halimbawa ::knock on wood:: binigyan ka namin ni Dr. Ibana ng “F” sa iyong marka, at dahil gandang-ganda si Camillo sa iyo…

Camillo: Halata bang halimbawa lang?

Marcelle: Halimbawa, binigyan ka ng “A” ni Camillo. Makaturangan ba ang iyong grado? Ano sa tingin mo ang gradong dapat mo matanggap?

It was funny, but soon enough, she realized it wasn’t really so scary… Camillo was berating me for being vicious, though…

Juancho Corpuz: What a revelation. I was simply impressed how much this guy got throughout the whole course, as most people would write him off as a delinquent. He even managed to answer the trick question about using Philosophers merely as a means and not recognizing them as an end. Needless to say, I found him to be impressive.

Bianca Macaisa: Lived through the zany “Blue Shop” morality question… what if L.A. Tenorio, out of desperation durign a key Ateneo-La Salle game, lost his uniform, broke into the Blue Shop to get a copy of his own Jersey, and got caught? What if a La Sallian did the same thing out of sheer spite (No offense to La Sallians. You guys won the championship, after all. =))? How would justice be administered given a minimum level of equality and a maximum level of individuality? She was shaking a lot, but she still pulled through excellently.

Patrick Lam: Brilliant, though Camillo criticized his fashion sense. Nonetheless, he got through all the questions without a hitch and even managed to answer a couple of trick questions here and there. I asked him about the “policeman’s dilemma”, and he ended up giving a Punisher-ladedn answer. Needless to say, that was the hook.

Angela Giron: Lived through the Jasmine Trias example. Bah Gawd, that was a crazy one…

.:Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine:.

I’m not hating on her just because it’s cool to do.

I’m hating on her because she’s milking good money from this country, and yet it’s not like she really was proud to be a Filipina, to begin with. It’s one thing to decry one’s own country, and another to exploit it while still maintaining the same kind of stance towards it.

And please, her speaking voice annoys the Hades out of me, and it gets increasingly hard to get that song of hers out of my head, which annoys me further…
.:Greeting:.

Hey, Delamar! Happy birthday! Hope you liked the present!

.:Surprised:.

Didn't even know Brian Gomez already left RX. Oh, well. I hope he's doing fine wherever he is...

.:More Troy Gift Packs Were Given Away:.

This Warner Brothers gift pack? Take it! It's yours!

.:Retouched:.

Ran into Jamie Zamodio yesterday, and the fact that we've known each other for longer than we'd care to count really came to the surface, as our conversations were essentially built on things we already knew about each other from the get-go. It was amusing, to say the least. I'm glad to see that she's doing fine as of late, although her forty-page paper is definitely a daunting task for her, to say the least. Still, she had some very valid insighs about me, and it only goes to show how time can really help in making a person know another person better than most other people can. She really can read me far better than I'd like to be read... heh.

In any case, the usual topics were discussed. I think she really believes I'm head over heels, but then, I promptly deny it and chalk it up to a phase. She knows quite well enough that I had a phase before with someone else... in fact, a common close friend of ours... so there...

In any case, she gave me the brilliant idea of dropping by Grace's house to give her a dose of cheer for her examinations... I guess she could use some, and that's precisely what I did.

.:Thank You:.

For the affirmation about hugs and the like, I thank you. And more importantly, for telling me not to feel guilty about being an unintentional terror teacher, I thank you. I don't want a reputation like that, truth be told...

Too bad you weren't in Gratia, though. Wonder if you would've won, like my friend, Charlene Chua (No relation.)? She was the "Crush ng Bayan"... heh. There's good reason why...

.:Dropping In:.

Grace was surprised to see me, but I managed to spend some time with her to just talk to her. She was studying for Biochem, so I couldn't bug her much. Still, we managed to really work out a good deal of things, in anticipation of our fifth year together. The date is already planned for the most part, and the unlikely film to catch is what we plan to catch... White Chicks, that is.

I guess it's just a refreshing time for me. I'm already done with all my schoolwork for this semester, but she's not yet done. I hope she can do well enough. I missed her a lot, and I really had a dearth of good hugs as of late, aside from running into *jaded* and April a couple of days ago.

Grace, I hope you do well when it comes to your final exams. Take care. I missed you a lot, and spending time with you was the perfect way to cap off this semester for me (as a student)... see you again soon.

.:Taken From , Who Got It From ...:.

Before I quote, here're lyrics to a song I heard for the first time today. Wow. How apt.

The Title
by Ciara

Uh, I want the title
Uh, I need the title

Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

Ooh
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

I like your style
The way you dress
The way you smell
Its so intoxicating
I can't help myself
Theres no one else
That makes me feel
The way you make me feel

Refrain:
Gimme your lovin
Gimme your lovin all your love
Cuz i wanna give you
I'm gonna give you all of mine
Whenever your ready
Baby I'm ready to be yours
Just to let you know
This is what i want

Chorus:
I want the title
I wanna be known as your girl
I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend
So let a girl come in your world
I wanna be your lady

Title, the title
I wanna be known as your girl
I wanna kick it wit you like your best friend
So let a girl come in your world
I wanna be your lady

Uh, you gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one

And its all about the way
That you talk
Everytime you say my name
I cant talk
Boy you know you got me
Speechless
Say it again
Boy you know you got me
Speechless
Let the music stop

(Repeat Refrain, then Chorus)

You gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one
(Repeat)

Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do
Shoo do do do

Ooh
Shoo do do do (can i be your girl)
Shoo do do do (let me know)
Shoo do do do

(Repeat Chorus)

You gotta let me know if you want me to be the one
Baby let me know if you want me to be the one


"The 'parang kayo, pero hindi' stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of 'relationship' can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo -- usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi 'hindi naman kayo.'

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong setup ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang 'pantawid-gutom.' Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that 'kilig' feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, 'okay na iyun, kesa wala.'

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong tiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner.

Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.

Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no 'us.' Meron lang 'you and me,' hindi 'us.'

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang 'parang kayo pero hindi' stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya… almost, but not quite."


.:The Reply:.

(Warning: This will not be as concise and reader-friendly as the above piece. I think the above piece put the whole thing as succinctly as can be, but I feel the need to expound on a certain point of the whole thing, particularly on the point of being in a pseudo-relationship not out of anything but fear of genuine commitment.)

Fear. That's always something that overrides people at one point or another, whether or not they like it. Indeed, whether or not they're willing to admit it.

Maturity? Doesn't matter if you're fifteen or forty-five. Doesn't matter if you're in this curious limbo because you want to play around, or because you hope to get to something far more concrete. It works both ways.

Defining things was never so bad, to begin with. It's just that definitions have gotten to a point that it's so set in stone that there was little room for transcendence. But then, we don't have to go to that etymological kind of interpretation. Defining things simply help us make sense of a world that seems to not make any sense to us at all without definitions. As human beings given limited capabilities and given language as the primary and intuitive means of communication, how can we do otherwise? Oh, we can try to be completely metaphysical and transcend the need for words, as Chinese Philosophy has attempted, but then, how did they get to that point? Didn't they have to make use of words first?

At the very worst, definitions are nothing but stepping stones to the more eidetic meanings of things. And that brings us to relationships.

Happiness can come in knowing where one truly stands, in knowing one's self. Being stuck in limbo can work. I personally don't discount the possibility that claiming such an openness as empowering is a valid point to be made, but then, such an openness is a double-edged sword. You look forward. You wait. But you have no idea what you look forward to, or what you wait for. The good news is that you can get something great for your passivity. The bad news is you can get nothing, or worse, something crummy. There's this cliche that goes that life is a box of chocolates. Unfortunately, you have the same odds of getting the caramel-filled walnut chocolate as you do getting the one filled with coconut.

Being afraid to commit is a sign that connotes many different things. For the most part, however, it can connote a certain level of immaturity. Personally, I'm not the authority on maturity. But then, I realize the need to commit. How else are we supposed to do things? Search for an eidetic answer that we can never really use in this world? Contemplate on the forms? Commitments are as commitments do. Non-commitments are as non-commitments don't. In this regard, I would concede a certain relativity. Some non-commitmens work. Some really do. Lots of commitments don't work. Regardless, it's really up to a person if he or she is willing to take the ambiguity with a grain of salt. I'm not. But I respect that ambiguity enough to stand aside from an openness as though it were a closed possibility. I respect pseudo-relationships enough to regard them as valid relationships that are simply off-limits to me. My short stint at being single as of recent has proven as much to me.

In the end, while the female may usually be on the losing end of the equation for the most part, the person who is outside looking in on the whole equation, the intangible, is the one who has the shortest end of the stick by far. But would anyone give a damn? He's the non-existent third side to the undefined triangle. Let him be miserable on his own.

It's really none of my beeswax, though. It's your prerogative how you want to go about it... that is, until it begins to tear at my heart from time to time... the way it did...

... For a while.

Just for a while.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

.:Today's Batch:.

Student: Sir, I heard someone cried yesterday because of Marcelle.

Marcelle: Why me? I was being nice. I just asked her about Thesis seven, and...

Student: But that's a scary question! Oh, well. Anyway, what do you want me to answer?

Marcelle: Oh, I don't know. How about... Thesis seven?

Student: I said too much.

Camillo was telling everyone to avoid looking at my Punisher shirt, though. I think I was scaring people quite a bit... come on. A shirt shouldn't be enough to scare these people...

In any case, things have been interesting for the most part. I just wish I had more time to think stuff over... I've been so loaded with work, and now that it's all done... I feel... empty.

Maybe because I haven't really been around someone special lately...

Sigh...
.:A First:.

Boarded with Pam for the first time yesterday, as she and George switched slots for the day. It was fun, for the most part. I was pretty much accustomed to how we did the show, and I was mostly having fun with talking about oral exams...

Marcelle: I hope my students can perform excellently during orals.

Pam: Wow. You have so much courage to say that just because you know sir Joe isn't listening to us right now, since he just left with a guy... wait...

Marcelle: That did not sound right, Pam.

At another point, though...

Marcelle: And so, our winner for the “Troy” gift pack is... Maribel Chua. Is there no one else? Is there no one else? Oh, right! We have another winner! Our other winner for What's Showing at G-Max in the Morning is Denden Uy. She wins...

Pam: ... a two-day VIP pass to Bodyworx Spa and Fitness Club, and a paintball coupon so that four and her friends could go and play paintball!

Marcelle: Wow. And yes the film was “Prince of Egypt”. Since she has a coupon good for four, she can let her people go and play paintball!

Okay... so I was rattling off movie lines in rapid succession... and you should've heard me giving away clues. It was funny.

Even worse was today… George is out again, so I’m boarding with JDa…

JDa: So. Your braces are problematic for orals?

Marcelle: Well, yes. But then, what can I do? I didn’t intend to be mean to her…

JDa: Maybe she just needed to feel fresh after that. And she can do that by trying Carefree Panty Shields...

So much for subtlety. She then launched into a casual mention of Carefree at that juncture, right after talking about orals…

.:Not The Orals You Think. Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter!!!:.

Today's batch of oral examinations turned out even more interesting than yesterday's.

For one, we had a lot of fun talking about different stuff, really. Camillo was bugging me repeatedly by rubbing his foot behind my leg. It's scary at times... he was also criticizing my fashion sense. Oh, well. That can't be helped.

Still, the nice thing about the whole setup was how fun the discussions were. We had some really brilliant students here and there, and one of them, Diana Grace Uy, got an “A” for her efforts, as Dr. Ibana made this funny question about one's conscience, by asking whether or not a person who takes a horsey/bear/Fragelrock with him or her to class and asks it questions can actually constitute a conscience.

Camillo and I were laughing our heads off with that, because Dr. Ibana kept on asking that question, and each time, he changed the stuffed toy from a horsey to a bear, to a Fragelrock (Whatever the doohickey it is.). Even more amusing was how the students reacted to it.

I was mostly asking really tricky questions here and there, making the appropriate throwback to my debating days by asking questions that are mostly nitpicking on the student's own words in such a way as though it became a valid point of information in a debate if it were one...

One of the students apparently read my blog, and commented that she didn't like Mr. Bulaong either. Now, where the “either” came from, I wouldn't know. Considering what I've been saying on my blog, I better... cover my tracks with my students... heh. Not really...

It was fun, really. These oral examinations can really be quite an experience when the students taking the test are brilliant. We had a couple of them, actually. I felt that TJ Batan deserved an A, and so did Dr. Ibana, but Camillo handed the student a C+/B, which I found weird. Diana Uy was brilliant as well. And nice... no, it's not the family name. Fact of the matter is, the whole question about horsey/bear/Fragelrock became increasingly funny because we ran into Anton Sevilla carrying a bear around in the department...

I can't wait for next sem. I heard I'll have a partner who's female and... she's actually... heh. It should be interesting, to say the least. Don't be so disoriented about it when I get down to it...

Oh. Ran into Monix in the department, as well. Hope she did well with Dr. Barbazza.

.:Gasp!:.

I... made a student cry yesterday. I don't think I meant that, though. I simply asked her about Kant, without knowing that she was praying all throughout that we wouldn't ask her anything about Kant. I guess that really... shot her down, so to speak, but I don't think so. She actually acquitted herself quite well, in fairness, and she managed to somewhat satisfactorily answer my trick question (Although if I pressed the issue, that might not have been the case.) about universal laws (That is, if one can make universal laws out of one's career choices.).

Peppy insinuates I did it because the student looked Chinese. Of course not. I reiterate: I never even knew she didn't want Kant. Most people know that I heavily favor Kant, so of course, when given the chance, I'd gladly ask that question.

If she ever reads this, my sincerest apologies. I honestly felt you acquitted yourself well enough, and I don't think you have to be so hard on yourself. You did your best. Rest assured that regardless of your grade (Which wasn't so bad, mind you.), you certainly earned my respect yesterday by answering my question quite adeptly. I wasn't trying to be mean. Honest.

Hopefully, this doesn't start me on a reputation or something. Camillo's supposed to be the Simon Cowell of this operation... not me...

Monday, October 11, 2004

Weekend:.

Fairly uneventful weekend for the most part. Friday night was frustratingly capped off by my going to Grace's house, only to find out that she wasn't around. I was mildly annoyed, but at least her sister is already now a proud mother. That's rather great, all things considered...

I was supposed to meet up with JayBee last Saturday, but opted not to do so in favor of finishing some work I backlogged all this time, in addition to the need to review quite a deal for my oral examinations on Monday regarding Martin Heidegger. It's not easy to say the least, but that's no problem if I put my mind to it.

I have to admit I was severely amused and surprised at the “quality” of my work for Fr. David's class, though. It's fairly clear that I was merely coasting along and doing stuff just so I can actually make the grade. You'd prolly find it funny what comes out of the whole paper soon enough... crazy assertions, and even this:

All these malpractices are clearly an indication of imperfection and shortcoming, but we cannot allow that to undermine what good we see, if we are not going to use it, if we are too scared to choose it. Truly, this is happening for a reason, and this might just be the wakeup call this country actually needs.

Now... Isn't that quite... familiar? ;) Or am I the only Code Red fan around here? Heh. Let's see how many more lyrics we can get away with... cleverness, not virtue. I'm sure Fr. David would be disappointed... if he actually reads the paper.

.:Do You Like (Word Omitted) Bunnies?:.

Annoyingly enough, this is the third time I bought this game, and I still can't get it to work. Twice, it's the Part II CD inside the Part I CD case. Mislabeled, to say the least. Rather annoying, but I'm definitely having this disc replaced. It's not that it's not working, but the fact that since it's the Part II CD again, that means I have two working copies of the game...

In any case, the sequel is nice, and one of the few games that actually has animations. Now that's impressive...

.:The Senti Box®:.

I keep two "Senti Boxes": the first one contains letters, the second one contains pictures.

I guess some of my friends have already seen the second Senti Box, but I don't recall anyone really seeing the first one recently, as its contents have greatly increased somewhat.

As I went over the first Senti Box, I realized how much things have changed over the years, and yet some things are irrevocably the same. I was looking through old letters... letters from Grace before we became a couple (She was sweet even before we got together. I don't think anyone was that sweet to me... ever.)... letters from Abby way back in high school (The animosity was unparallelled at the time.)... letters from Reinne (Just two. One was how happy she was to be my best friend. The other was how much she regretted it. Funny how that goes.)... one letter from Sacha (About how much she enjoyed my company. Never really changed, neh?)... and a whole bunch of other letters from friends past and present. Even ex-friends ::coughLottecough::!

The letters were an enjoyable experience, regardless of how painful or vile the content of the letter may have been. It was just a time for me to really ponder about stuff that has happened in the past. Evolution, so to speak, has its merits to me that certainly transcend the manifest.

In a flush of nostalgia, I SMS Abby about finding the letters and reminiscing about the past. Then, the prompt reply that brings me back to the present...

Hmmm... I have your letters, but I don't think I'd like to go through your... ehem... penmanship... That was quite a turbulent time. Haha! =)

Oh, well. ::sheepish grin::

In any case, I have a couple of interesting songs in mind. Too bad I forgot both of them, so it seems... one's an OPM song, another is a song I heard this morning on RX. It'll come to me. Really relates a lot to me as of late.

.:Hilarity:.

Today's oral examinations were a blast... whether the ones I administered, or the ones I took. One of them was marked by a classic line from Dr. Ibana, as I entered the room in the middle of a student's examinations...

O! Ikaw naman, okay na yung orals mo, eh pumasok lang si Marcelle, hindi ka na makasagot!

There was also this student... I think it's Janina Millan. She was brilliant. I was really impressed with how she carried out her orals, and I think she showed a good deal of promise...

And my finals was mostly about Gelassenheit, The Thing, and The Origin of the Work of Art. Fairly good. I enjoyed all that...

I can't wait for tomorrow's orals.

.:Sighs:.

I miss you so much. But I'm happy for you.

Every single time I feel the crunch of the academe coming down on me, I realize that I no longer have anyone to run to. I miss you all the more because of that.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Uber-quick blog entry here...

.:Limbo:.

Yes, I'm in limbo for the next two weeks again.

.:Activity:.

So many things I have to do... checking papers and all, and it was just funny during our last class day with Dr. Ibana, as the class was egging me and Camillo on to do a mock orals just so they can get the hang of it. Methinks they wanted to see us make fools of ourselves... heh.

Camillo's been running off some steam about student-teacher relationships, though... tsk. tsk. He's on to me. ;) Just kidding.

.:Television:.

Delamar was on my TV last night. Seriously, it felt surreal seeing her on TV...

Thursday, October 07, 2004

.:And There Was Silence:.

Nakapagtataka
by Hajji Alejandro

Walang tigil ang gulo
Sa aking pag-iisip,
Mula nang tayo'y nagpas'yang maghiwalay;
Nagpaalam pagka't hindi tayo bagay,
Nakapagtataka (hoh hoh)

Kung bakit ganito
Ang aking kapalaran;
Di ba't ilang ulit ka nang nagpaalam,
At bawat paalam ay puno nang iyakan?
Nakapagtataka, nakapagtataka

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Napahid na'ng mga luha,
Damdamin at puso'y tigang,
Wala nang maibubuga,
Wala na 'kong maramdaman (hoh)
Kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan
Ba't di tayo magkasunduan? (oh hoh hoh)

Walang tigil ang ulan
At nasaan ka araw?
Napano na'ng pag-ibig sa isa't isa?
Wala na bang nananatiling pag-asa?
Nakapagtataka, saan na napunta?

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan,
Ba't di tayo magkasunduan, oh hoh ho hoo?
Hmmm...


.:Crazy Day, But Gratitude First:.

I didn't go to work today because of all the heavy stuff I have to do for next week. Final papers, oral exam reviews, and so forth. Still, I was mighty pleased over yesterday's new notes... I got a very nice letter from Tsumenki, one of my very close friends, and I finally got Sacha's postcard. It was fairly interesting, to say the least...

I'm glad you practically insisted on being friends with me... you know what you want. Do it.

::sighs:: I know what I want. I just wish I knew the answer to a different question... You have no idea, Sach. You just have no idea... but I'm thankful you gave me such useful advice, nonetheless...

.:Connected:.

Finally got introduced to Dr. Reyes. Took me long enough to know the last senior professor in the Philosophy department... heh. He thought I was a girl because of the way my name is spelled...

Then, Regis, my potential manager, called me up about an audition. Let's see how that pans out.

.:A Shark's Tale:.

Went to Glorietta to do a bit of card-hunting. I ended up watching Shark Tale with Ranulf, Dominique, and Grace, but the interesting thing was that I finally managed to meet Tsumenki after all this time. We just spent our time talking with one another. We were just catching up with all the goings-on in one another's lives, and it was really refreshing to hear from an old friend again. She was even there when I was trying that sword game. I really enjoyed it, and my old Dance Maniax skillz are still good enough... heh. Tsumenki's been very busy, and I'm glad that she seems rather happy with work. I just wish we had more time to spend to hang around with one another, but that's all really just wishful thinking at this point...

In any case, Krisette and Herbs were supposed to watch with us, but then, it didn't happen since Krisette had a nasty run in with bad food or something to that effect. She ended up getting an upset stomach. Oh, well.

The film was fun. We were laughing our heads off at the pop culture references throughout the film, although I missed the first part of the movie because Grace got to G4 rather late. Still, it was a pretty good film, to say the least. I really liked how the whole thing turned out, though sometimes, Grace's lack of punctuality can be a mite annoying...

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

.:Guilty By Association:.

I just noticed that company you keep really makes people have preconceived notions about you. It's not always bad, really. At times, it even gets amusing.

For instance...

- Hanging around Peppy and Sacha and other such people has resulted in people assuming that I'm a computer geek.

- Hanging around my colleagues in the Philosophy department make people assume that I'm such a brilliant academician.

- Hanging around Peppy and Jason makes people think I'm gay. ::just kidding::

Seriously, though, it's an amusing observation.

.:More On The Meeting:.

Remember yesterday's meeting, and how Anne was seething about the "Wicked" party from JAM? When Robi went on air that day...

Robi: We're packed here today. Just getting together, really.

Marcelle: Yeah. It's Wicked!!!

The other jocks were audibly laughing after that one... heh.
Before I get into this... have you hear about the Jasmine Trio? Good Gawd... what a commercial.

.:Vindication, Part IV:.
A Story Series by Marcelle T. Fabie

Author's Note: The characters depicted in this story are all copyright of the WWE. The storylines depicted are not necessarily reflective of the current storylines of the WWE.

Monday night RAW in Atlanta. Eric Bischoff enters the ring with a microphone in hand, and addresses the live crowd.

Bischoff: As you all know, our World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Benoit, is currently heavily involving himself with Smackdown in the hunt for their second-rate WWE Championship Title. With that being said, Chris Benoit is showing all of us where his priorities lie. Tonight, he has to make a choice.

Chris Benoit's music plays, and he comes out to the arena to a rousing ovation, belt over his shoulder. He looks Bischoff in the eye, and motions for a microphone.

Benoit: Eric, it doesn't really matter what you do to me tonight. You're not going to make me change my mind. That Smackdown Title will be mine.

Bischoff: Oh? So you mean to tell me that belt on your shoulder right now doesn't mean anything to you? Well, if that's the case, get ready to lose it tonight in a title match against. Triple H!!!

Benoit: I don't think I'm going to lose this belt tonight, Eric. You have no...

Benoit's spiel gets cut off by the blaring of a familiar entrance music. Booker T walks up to the ring entrance ramp with a mic already in hand.

Jim Ross: What gives? Booker T is a Smackdown superstar!

Jerry Lawler: Booker T looks like he has some issues with Benoit.

Jim Ross: These two men have had a long history, going all the way back to WCW.

Booker T stares Benoit down. He talks on the microphone.

Booker T: Benoit! You made it past the Undertaker last time, but you won't be able to get past the tag team round on Thursday night. You're going to go up against me and Renee Dupree. So you know what, sucka? You ain't got no guy willing to back you in the ring in the Smackdown roster. Give it up!

Benoit: I don't give a damn if it's a handicap match, Booker. There's no holding me back, and I'll give you a taste of Thursday night right now!

Benoit drops his microphone and walks towards Booker. Booker taunts Benoit, and starts getting into a brawl with Benoit, while Eric Bischoff looks on in the ring.

Jim Ross: What a pier-six brawl!

Booker T is on his back as Benoit lays some rights and lefts across his face. Before Benoit could do some more damage, however, Triple H, Ric Flair, and Batista run in and the numbers game quickly catches up with Benoit.

Jerry Lawler: Smart thinking by Evolution! Looks like Benoit won't be 100% for his match tonight!

Jim Ross: This is a heinous beatdown, folks. Chris Benoit cannot keep four different opponents at bay all at the same time!

Jerry Lawler: Wait a minute... who's that? It's John Cena!

Jim Ross: John Cena, another Smackdown superstar, is armed with a chair and drives away all three members of Evolution! Booker T is also leaving, and look at Cena! He's helping Benoit up!

Benoit and Cena walk to the back, Cena still carrying a chair just in case Evolution tries anything funny. Benoit looks at the man who aided him in disbelief.

Benoit: Hey, John. Thanks for that. I owe you one.

John Cena: No problem. I just want one thing in return.

Benoit: What?

John Cena: Let me be your tag partner on Thursday night. I still want some payback for what Booker T did to me last time.

Benoit: You got yourself a deal.

John Cena shakes hands with Chris and leaves. Benoit sits down in his locker room, then realizes the implications of tonight's developments...

Cena and Benoit are tag partners. They were good friends before Benoit moved to RAW, but now, they could potentially be going against one another the moment they make it far enough in the Smackdown tournament. Is Benoit ready to not only give up the RAW title, but also his friendship with John Cena just for this title?

The clock ticks on his decision.

To be continued...
.:Heideggered:.

Martin Heidegger class did not really last tonight. Instead, what we had was simply a dinner at Tia Maria's Cantina, where we had a few beers and talked about different things, really. Ray and I were mostly talking about wrestling and comic books, as it wasn't really too interesting to say anything about Mr. Bulaong's scholarship to Frankfurt (Congratulations to him, nonetheless.), or Ms. Corpuz' impending wedding in the weekend...

I was also talking to another one of my classmates about music, though. Our discussions on the 90’s band era was something I really felt strongly about. It looks like my tastes in music is still as helter-skelter as ever…

I don't know what else to say about it really. We had a lot of fun, and then there was this joke...

Marcelle: Alam niyo ba kung sino yung bading na ayaw umamin sa dep?

Ray: Sino?

Marcelle: Kiss muna.

What'd even be scarier is if he kisses me then asks the question again... heh.

I then hitched a ride home with one of my classmates. Conversations were interesting. We talked about everything from future plans to WAVE, to cats and dogs as roadkill. The whole deal with labels, while traumatic, has proven to be a simple leap of faith on my part... an act of courage in the face of fear. And it helps. Because it clears away ambiguity, and allows me to be in control of where I stand...

I guess labels do serve their purpose, in the end...

.:On Language:.

This talk about labels must be confusing to some extent. You see, for quite a while, I wasn’t too fond of labels myself, either. To me, labels were only labels, and the importance was what went behind the labels.

Then things started seeming rather different to me when I got introduced to Martin Heidegger’s point of view regarding language. You see, language, precisely how we label everything in packets that are possible to understand, is inevitable. The analogy of languages merely capturing ideas, and like any trap, becoming useless afterwards is clearly not appropriate.

Language is inevitable. Labels, as such, are inevitable. While the human being, for Heidegger, is an openness, this is clearly not an anthropological consideration for him. In dealing with people, labels are a necessity. So long as the label befits what goes behind the label, it relieves the person of ambiguity. Not everyone is telepath. Not everyone is eidetic to the point that words can no longer be an aid to convey what should be meant.

Moreover, even Heidegger himself realizes the power of language. He avoids using terms already loaded with such stigma or meaning and instead appropriates something else to convey what he really wishes to say. As such, if one is afraid of this or that label because of the notions it entails, merely appropriating a different term to convey the spirit is not necessarily arbitrary, but is still quite pertaining to a certain sense, nonetheless.

But you see, in an anthropological setting, the fact remains that defining things, especially relationships, is important. It causes a lot of ambiguity and frustration otherwise. While some blessed few can get away with it, not all the people around them can honestly say the same. Defining things gets some groundwork going, a foundation as it were. If such a foundation feels limiting, let it be known that there is such a thing as progression and regression. These definitions are not as static as they seem. They serve their purpose, and for the most part, they serve them well.

Personally, Marcelle sees the problem of labels as a problem of apprehension. People who are afraid to use labels have various reasons to fear it. Some people who say they dislike it or are oblivious to it can likewise be simply afraid of it. Afraid of what? Commitment. Rejection. Regression. Definition. Labels do carry weight, but never in and by themselves, but with the meaning they carry behind it. In spite of this, this meaning is difficult to convey sans the label, or an apropos substitute for it.

Maybe when certain things are less ambiguous, clarity will come. For now, all Marcelle can say is that he dares. He dares to define, not because he wishes to destroy the openness of any given relationship, but because he refuses to inflict uncertainty by playing a dangerous game of stalemate. In the end, if such a definition is not enough, the openness remains to make ways to change such a definition.

But for God’s sake, Marcelle has to define, lest he drive himself insane with vagueness, lest he frustrate other people with the unnecessary openness in the anthropological realm.