Sunday, February 14, 2010


.:Oh, Look. Single Awareness Day. Chinese New Year. Bawww:.

I’ve never been a big fan of February 14, and this is considering I’ve never been single on that day since 1999. For me, it’s always been a Hallmark non-holiday that really hasn’t done single people any favors. As a guy who doesn’t like being insensitive to other people around him, February 14 was never one of my favourite days, and I often actually felt guilty whenever I’d hear my single friends feel bad about the date because it’s like the world just decided to rub it in their faces that they’re alone.

This year, it appears I’ll be one of those people, so there is no shift in mood to speak of: I am now no longer merely commiserating with single people, I’m now actually one of them. Don't let the time spent with My Beloved yesterday having lunch and all that fool you: we're not back together.

The thing is, I haven’t given my heart a rest for the longest time, and maybe it’s high time I did. I’ve given my all when it comes to these things, and I’ve gotten pretty messed up over time, and I know that nobody deserves to be with someone as self-loathing as I happen to be at the moment. I’ve allowed myself to be walked all over, to be taken for granted, to be given nothing but empty words and meaningless promises, all for nothing. I hate to have to keep a scorecard, but I’m sure I’d hate it much more if I brought nothing to the table. Which is completely the opposite of how I’ve been all this time. As in completely.

It’s time I stopped putting up with that. It’s time for me to recognize that while I’m far from perfect, I’m far from worthless. I’ve been lower than a snake’s buckle for so long, I’ve forgotten how it feels to be a pompous, sanctimonious son of a bitch. Well, that guy is back, and he’s never been better. I’ve heard it more than enough times: I need to love myself again, and if I can’t, let self-preservation kick in. Well, it has kicked in, and I now chuck away all my benefit of the doubt and general niceties in favour of just looking out for myself when I feel the need to.

I realize that there’s this chance I’d be spending the rest of my life alone, so it’s time I started looking out for myself more because chances are, nobody else will. And I don’t want to be some girl’s responsibility, either. I answer to myself, I march to the beat of my own drum, not because I want to be different, but simply because I’m the one person I can rely on no matter what happens.

I can’t fail me. That much is clear.

And for all the fellow single people out there, my message can’t be any clearer: you don’t need someone else to define you. Whether alone or with someone, you are still a person worthy of love, and if the one person who could love you for the rest of your life is you, then don’t deny yourself of that.

Don’t make my mistake.

So do I have problems right now? Yeah, I got a lot. In fact, I got 99 problems.

But the bitch ain’t one.

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