Thursday, July 31, 2003

.:How Smackdown Should Go... On So Many Different Levels:.

Michael Cole: Kurt Angle is making his way into the ring, accompanied by his manager, Paul Heyman! He’s got a match tonight with Brock Lesnar, tonight, for the WWE Championship!

Kurt Angle’s music pipes into the P.A., and as his music plays, the crowd is chanting “You Suck!” at him. Paul Heyman rubs his hands eagerly as Angle turns around and faces the pyros. He struts into the ring, and looks very smug about his match. He rolls under the ring, skips around the ring a bit, and takes off his Olympic gold medals, to a chorus of boos from the audience.

Tazz: Two of the most popular wrestlers are going to lock horns right now, Cole!

Brock Lesnar’s music starts up, and the pyros explode.

Tazz: Here comes the pain! Here comes Brock Lesnar!

Brock Lesnar makes his way to the ring, the glinting WWE Championship title across his waist. He looks positively furious and Angle stares him down. Lesnar’s slow, deliberate steps felt ominous. Heyman was looking at the Next Big Thing with a mixture of trepidation and awe.

Michael Cole: Brock Lesnar is the youngest WWE Champion, and he has proven to be quite an amazing athlete!

The bell rings, and Lesnar and Angle lock up.

Michael Cole: A lock-up to start this match, and Lesnar powers out, knocking Angle off his feet!

Tazz: Angle looks annoyed!

Michael Cole: Another lockup, but Angle turns this into an arm drag! Lesnar charges at him, and oh! Drop toehold!

Tazz: Angle is an amazing in-ring technician. Lesnar should be really careful about making rash attempts at getting to him!

Michael Cole: Angle slaps on a chinlock, and Lesnar is on his feet! He whips Angle into the ropes, Angle ducks a clothesline!! Off the ropes, Angle hits a cross body block! Angle goes for the pin, one, tw… Lesnar kicks out!

Tazz: It’ll take more than that to put Lesnar away. The Next Big Thing is one tough character.

Michael Cole: Angle throws a couple of right hands, and whips Lesnar into the ropes. Nice knee to the gut by Angle! Lesnar is hurting right now!

Tazz: Angle is on a roll! If he keeps this up, he’s going to win the match!

Michael Cole: Angle throws Lesnar into the corner, and runs towards Lesnar! Lesnar gives him a boot to the face for his efforts! Lesnar grabs Angle, but Angle throws an overhead thingamajig!

Tazz: An overhead thingamajig? What kind of move is that?

Michael Cole: Uh, I mean… an overhead belly-to-belly suplex.

Tazz: Honestly, Cole… I don’t know how you keep your job.

Michael Cole: Angle stomps a mudhole into Lesnar, and he’s really hurting now! Angle is using some knees to attack Lesnar’s vulnerable ribs!

Tazz: Amazing ring psychology being shown by Angle here.

Michael Cole: Angle picks Lesnar up, and delivers a perfect snapmare! He follows that up with a bow and arrow stretch, and Lesnar is really in trouble now!

Tazz: Lesnar is trying to power out! He’s got it!

Michael Cole: Lesnar kicks Kurt, and goes for the F5, which Angle turns into an inside cradle! Lesnar rolls out before a count is even made!

Tazz: Lesnar’s in-ring presence of mind is simply amazing, Cole! He knows where he is all the time.

Michael Cole: Wicked clothesline by Angle! Another clothesline!

Tazz: Lesnar gets up right off and tries to hit Angle, but oh-hoh!

Michael Cole: Angle ducks and does a German Suplex! Another one!

Tazz: …and a third! Hat trick by Angle!

Michael Cole: Angle’s got him at his mercy! He’s heading for the top rope, and poses to the crowd, to a chorus of boos!

Tazz: Oh, man! Moonsault! Moonsault!

Michael Cole: Angle misses! Lesnar rolls out of the way! Both men are down, and the referee is administering the ten count!

Tazz: I think the first man to his feet will be most likely to win this match.

Michael Cole: Angle is up, and he tries to kick Lesnar. Lesnar catches it! Angle goes for an enzugiri, but Lesnar ducks! Wow! Some mat wrestling from Lesnar now, as he applies a series of amateur wrestling throws and locks on Angle!

Tazz: Both men have had quite extensive experience in amateur wrestling. Lesnar is an NCAA champion, while Angle is an Olympic gold medallist!

Michael Cole: The tide has completely turned in favor of Brock! Lesnar picks Angle up, and does a thunderous press slam!

Tazz: Angle’s in trouble!

Michael Cole: Lesnar charges towards Angle, and Angle is knocked out of the ring!

Tazz: Lesnar smells a victory coming!

Michael Cole: Brock rolls out of the ring, and Heyman distracts the referee! Angle gives Lesnar a low blow for his efforts!

Tazz: That’s smart thinking from Angle!

Michael Cole: That’s cheating, Tazz! Angle is now in control, and whips Lesnar to the ringpost! Lesnar is in busted wide open!

Tazz: That’s a lot of blood on Brock now! Angle rolls Lesnar into the ring, and goes for the cover! One, two, no! Kickout by Lesnar!

Michael Cole: Just how resilient is this man? Angle is getting frustrated, and he picks Lesnar up again. He whips Lesnar, Lesnar reverses, and he tries to spear Angle!

Tazz: Wait a minute! Angle pushes the ref in the way! The ref is knocked out!

Michael Cole: Angle goes after Lesnar, but he gets a kick in the gut! Oh, no! Here comes the pain! F5! F5! Brock has this match! He goes for the cover! One! Two! Three! Four!

Tazz: The ref is out.

Michael Cole: It’s just not right!

Tazz: The ref is stirring! One, two, thr… no! Angle got his shouler up! Angle got his shoulder up!

Michael Cole: What a long count! The ref is staggering to get up, but Heyman clocks him with a chair! The ref didn’t know what hit him!

Tazz: Paul Heyman is taking matters into his own hands now, and Lesnar’s looking at him! Angle pokes Lesnar in the eye, and holds him in place!

Michael Cole: Heyman swings the chair, and Lesnar ducks! Angle is hit by the chair!

Tazz: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Michael Cole: Heyman is looking at Lesnar with fear now. Lesnar picks him up for the F5! Ow!

Tazz: The referee missed all that, and he’s stirring now!

Michael Cole: Brock picks up Kurt, and here comes the pain! Another F5! The crowd is going wild! One, two, three! It’s over! It’s over! Lesnar has successfully defended his title!

Tazz: Angle is dumbfounded! He’s dazed, and he doesn’t know where he is!

Michael Cole: Lesnar makes his way out of the ring with his title, and Heyman is stirring. He’s helping Angle up, and the crowds are cheering Angle for his remarkable effort in this match!

Tazz: Whoah! Angle just pushed Heyman!

Michael Cole: Oh no! Heyman is down! Angle sets him up for an Angle Slam! Angle Slam! He locks in the Anglelock now, and he refuses to let the hold go!

Tazz: Angle is frustrated. Heyman hit him with the chair.

Michael Cole: This is uncalled for! Heyman didn’t hit him on purpose! Somebody stop this!

Tazz: Wait! Lesnar is running back into the ring, and he takes Angle out! Heyman regains his bearings, gets a chair, and cracks it in between Angle’s eyes!

Michael Cole: The crowds are chanting “Angle Sucks!” Can you blame them? Lesnar raises Paul’s hand! The audience is giving Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar a standing ovation! It looks like we now have a new alliance here!

Tazz: I can’t believe it! The crowds are cheering for Heyman and Lesnar!


Numba One Announcer Funaki is backstage, and he’s trying to figure out what just happened…

Funaki: Can you explain why you do that to Heyman?

Angle: Let’s face it, Funaki. I’ve outgrown him. I’m too good for the likes of him already.

Funaki: Are you sure? Maybe he’s actually outgrown you and your crybaby antics?

Angle: Shut up! You don’t understand! Nobody understands! All the things he’s been doing to me has simply been eating at me! Every little time he wasn’t there when I needed someone to bail me out, every little time he’d rather be around for his other clients than me. He doesn’t need me. He’s got more clients, anyway! I was way too hasty to make him my manager!

Funaki: I remember in an earlier interview, you tell numba one announcer Funaki that you thought this is one time you’d choose to drop a manager instead of the other way around…

Angle: Ironic, isn’t it? I’ve been dropped by my managers like a freaking hot potato all my life, and now that I’ve got someone willing to put up with me, I completely toss it away! My instincts have never been wrong. Don’t you just freaking hate being psychic?

Funaki: Is it really over?

Angle: Frankly, I don’t know. He doesn’t want to let go, and a part of me doesn’t want to. He got me the title the last time around. I thought I wouldn’t care by now, but I guess I STILL AM NOT IMMUNE TO THE PAIN.

Funaki: There you have it. Kurt Angle! Thank you for interview!

Angle: Go away, you silly little twit. You bother me.

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