Tuesday, July 15, 2003


.:Random Thoughts:.

I finally decided to go ahead and borrow a Java book from a friend of mine. Hopefully, this’ll help me even just a bit with keeping up with Sacha’s class. That’s one less thing to be harassed about, and I must admit that the past few days have really been getting to me. There’s just so much stress lately, seeing how I had to do a thesis proposal that just didn’t feel so right. I know that the topics I wanted were unlikely to be approved, but this is a total shift away from what I had in mind…

I bought a new cartridge of Monster Rancher 2 Advance. I sincerely hope that it will not fizzle out on me like my older cartridge did. I spent good money for that one, you know. I only have Pokemon Sapphire and Yugi-Oh Worldwide Edition in my sights now… FF Tactics Advance won’t be coming along for quite a long while, sadly. If I have the extra cash, a second copy of Street Fighter Alpha 3 would do me wonders. I sure would like to go head-to-head with someone on that game…

Grace recently quit her thesis group. Apparently, one of her groupmates was being such a nuisance with her holier-than-thou attitude, and Grace was better off working with her friends in another group, anyway, Nonetheless, lots of luck to her. She apparently will need it…

I’ve been feeling rather lethargic the past few days. No matter how early I slept, I was doomed to have to wake up feeling underslept the next day, simply because my body clock refuses to cooperate with me for a long slumber. It’s pretty irritating, really… nonetheless, I suppose I’m just feeling fine.

.:What? What?:.,

I’m not a really emotional person anymore, but unlike most other people, I have very little catharsis from going into a frenzied rage. The best way for me to purge any of my ill will is through letting it all out in sorrow rather than anger. Afterwards, I always feel a lot better. Hades, I remember the time I used to go around like that with everyone. Now that I’ve been more restrained (Not because I choose to, but because I simply became so.), I rarely ever shed a tear for anything. And I rarely shed a tear in front of anyone. I certainly do myself a favor when I do with a friend I can trust. Grace is obviously the first name that comes to mind. Abby would be another. I’m just glad that there’re two more, at the very least, considering that … well…

So what got to me, anyway? Well, you might say that I was feeling really down because of Ranma ½. It’s just disheartening to see how mean Shampoo was to Mousse, and it reminded me of myself. How pathetic I once was, and how shades of that still remain in different manifestations.

Mousse: Do you really hate me that much, Shampoo?

Shampoo: Yes. I hate you. H-A-T-E you. Hate you.

Hades, that stung, you know. I never thought I’d feel so struck by an anime, and I never thought I’d feel so irked towards Shampoo, my favorite anime girl who doesn’t wear glasses. But it just got me to thinking about the recent past...

You win. The both of you win. Nigh everyone in the block thinks I’m wrong and you’re both right. Story of my life.

It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.

You deserved it more than he does.

Oh? And it’s your prerogative to determine that now?

I just didn’t think that you should go and torment him like that.

You saw me read the note. You’re insinuating I don’t know how to read?

It’s not that. We just wanted you to say something. But you kept quiet.

Of course. I’m not close to you anymore, nor was I ever close to him.

Look, I love that guy, okay? He’s one of my best frie…

Thank you for reminding me what I’m not.

And that was it.

I was never part of her support system. No matter how well she knows I’m always there for her come Hades or high water, no matter how well she knows I’m reliable when it comes to advice, or merely listening to her vituperate, no matter how well she knows me period, that never gave her any incentive to count on me, so it seems. I’d daresay she’d ask me to help just before she strikes a bargain with Hades himself.

As a friend, and at the risk of sounding utilitarian, I absobloodylutely hate being useless. And that’s what I seem to be to her. That’s what eats at me. I hate the feeling that I’m just a white elephant to someone I regard very highly. I hate the feeling that I’m not worthy of being trusted, despite all the proof I’ve shown her that I am.

Thank you for being there for me. I feel so much better that you listened to my vituperating about all of this last night. I can’t help but think how different my life would’ve been if I wasn’t looking for hentai last year, and I would’ve never found OB, nor would I have found a friend like you. I don’t want to jinx it yet by saying it, but you’re getting to that point… I think you know what I mean. Thank you so much.


This is the reason why I don't call my best friend, who's named JB, as JB. This is why I call her *jaded*.

I met up with Carina, JB's sister. This JB, on the other hand, is one of the Calf Up people, along with Cyril, Ato, and the like. And he's a guy, unlike *jaded*, who's a girl.

Anyways, Carina is actually in my film class. Pretty cute, but I wonder if she knows all the things her brother has to say about her... ah, well.

Saw Daf today. Further reminded me what she's doing in a certain place in this blog... heh. But no worries. I don't see any chance for me and her in this lifetime. She's a great friend, though. Rather enterprising, I might add.

Went for my PREPARED speech for Ateneo Debate Society screening today COMPLETELY UNPREPARED. I spoke about legalizing prostitution, and I did pretty miserably. I didn't even hit five minutes. Crud.

Wednesday, please come soon...

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