Thursday, July 31, 2003

Let’s get two things out of the way that aren’t that important:

-Chris Jericho is amazing!!!
This jabroni was a babyface by default in Montreal Canada, and he was face-to-face with one-half of the infamous Montreal Screwjob conspiracy, Shawn Michaels. Naturally, the crowd was booing Shawn Michaels, who was supposed to be the babyface in the first place. Shawn worked the crowd, but by the end, Jericho managed to turn heel on the Montreal crowd and have them cheer for Shawn Michaels!!!

-Today’s Hot 10 was the Hot 10 signs you are the Antichrist. The funny top sign was, after hearing the entire Hot 10, you’d sneer and say, “Ha! They are sooo clueless…”

Anyways, two things have to be talked about today. Well, let’s go ahead and make it three…

.:On Moving On:.

I am extremely glad Maia and the rest of the charmed ones (I hope they don’t mind being called as such. J) are pretty much moving on already. Talk is cheap. There’s only so much words can do, and it’s high time they decided to just turn around and walk away from all of the pain already. It’s also high time somebody else did something DEFINITE too, for a change. There’s a new jabroni in town, and yes, I’m glad that it’s Dani. She really gives off a very positive aura around her, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person.

I waited for Maia at her dorm in U.P., and she got there around nine already. Obviously, that meant we wouldn’t really have much time to talk, but I guess it was good to hear from her, seeing how all the stress of the immersion AND the ruddy three long tests I have to worry about are clamping down heavily on me. Moreover, I have a Philosophy report I have to handle, and it’s not really easy, either. I’m still trying to see how best it will be for me to attack the problem, but I’m getting there. I do believe that Hume was trying to disprove God’s existence by showing the existence of evil, but then, I’d like to explicitate that a bit more… again, I’m asking: DO YOU THINK I SHOULD MAKE A SEPARATE BLOG FOR PHILOSOPHY? Seems to be the case that I really have to do so…

Well, due to some talks I had with other people, I realized that I became a lot less clingy because of Maia. I guess I owe her for that. At least, I can’t be accused of smothering my friends nowadays… err, yeah, I wasn’t there in La Salle this Wednesday because of the immersion and debating stuff…

.:On Letting Go:. (I felt tempted to go third person, but it’s not yet a done deal.)

A couple of months ago, I had a dialogue with Grace...

Marcelle: She’s hardly there for me. I wouldn’t be surprised…

Grace: Wouldn’t be surprised if what?

Marcelle: …if when the time comes that it ends, it’d be because I chose to do so, and not because I did something wrong that would make her want to drop me.

Don’t you just hate being a freaking psychic?

Small reasons. They’re all small reasons. From my not having her to ask for help from when I need her the most (Try talking about your problems with someone you’ve loved for years to your current girlfriend/boyfriend OR talking to the person you’ve loved for years herself or himself, and you’d know what I mean.), to the signs that we’re outgrowing each other’s wavelengths, it just leads me to one direction…

… I so totally want to drop her.

I never thought I’d see the day when it has to be ME who would do this. If anything, it’s usually the other way around: Abby dropped me. Andrea dropped me. Reinne dropped me. It’s ultimately ironic that now that I have someone who’s willing, it has to be me who would go and put a stop to it.

I dunno. Maybe I was too hasty. At the same time, I’m now more paranoid to just drop around such a title to the next jabroni who comes along and begins to mean a lot to me. Maybe that’s why even if at this point, I’m taking after another friend of mine (I’m sure she knows who she is.) lately, I hesitate to make any labels. I don’t want to be too hasty, and in reciprocation, I know I’m NOWHERE near her concept of one, either.

And I guess, when I got to the point that I wasn’t hurt when she wasn’t there for me, I began to realize that this wasn’t how I viewed this… I know it sounds a bit demanding, but I always expect something from this. I don’t expect much, honestly, but I think it’s my right to expect something, no matter how meager. It just happened with her that I stopped expecting anything. Is that really my concept now? No strings attached, I don’t give a flying freak what she has to do with her life? No. I suppose I just gave her a title, and yet I didn’t really live up to my end. Sure, she considers me to be this, but the numbers game tells me I’m just another one. And by now, that doesn’t really hurt me much.

But why all the big fuss over this? Maybe because in spite of everything I’ve been through, and in spite of my horrible track record with this (Excluding Grace.), I WAS NEVER IMMUNE TO THE PAIN. I wanted to be stoic. I wanted to not let it faze me, but I was deluding myself. I WAS NEVER IMMUNE TO THE PAIN. And that goes for everything. I’m over Abby, I’m cool with seeing her around with Bro, I’m perfectly fine with consciously telling myself to NOT love her, but I WAS NEVER IMMUNE TO THE PAIN. I’ve loved Grace all these years in spite of the one mistake I made, and though I feel I’ve made amends to her, everytime she feels bad about it, I realize that I WAS NEVER IMMUNE TO THE PAIN. I may be a gargoyle, but I am also human. My heart isn’t made of stone or ice. I never called myself Stonecold. Because I’m not. Because I recognize I am a human being who at the very least has enough backbone to say this out loud.

I want to give up. I want to let go. Maybe because I don’t want to be hurt with this. Maybe because I stopped being hurt with everything else about her, and the only thing that remains to hurt me is the fact that THAT title still lingers over her. And if I take that away, will I really feel better? Or do I just really need time to let her grow on me, the way Grace did? If I hold onto this, I know I will have to demand. I know I will have to feel for the person. And maybe I’m just not ready for something like that yet. Not when I feel that the person is slowly outgrowing me…

Sometimes, I’m afraid of the day you’d just outgrow me.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re outgrowing me…

… and maybe I really am, too.

Is there one defining thing that makes me want to drop this? No. It’s all a bunch of little things that have been too many to ignore that just add up to tell me I ought to walk away. I want to, but my feet seem to be cemented in place, hoping that things will change in due time. She tells me she wouldn’t really care if it’s one-sided on her behalf, but bah Gawd, I hated being put through that, so it sure as Hades makes me feel guilty to put HER through that.

Sometimes, she even makes me realize how evil I can be, and makes me wonder if Vince McMahon should be my eighth identity: Evil for the pure reason of being evil. Sure, Maia and I talked about it, but I didn’t feel so bad about it until I had to bring up my one summer mistake that I wish I didn’t ever have to put Grace through, and realizing I was capable of lying to my teeth. Not to Grace, but to somebody else. I was manipulative, malevolent, and downright diabolical. And I can still be just like that, when I have to, and it’s far from the righteous rage that the Phenom’s Fury® is all about: it’s more of an insatiable desire to just wreak havoc for its own sake. Bah Gawd, I wish none of you would have to see that side of me surface.

So there. I’m such a fence-sitter, aren’t I? That’s what’s eating me right now, and this leads me to…

.:On Holding On:.

One of the key points of my reflections led me to ask… Is Abby really being a friend to me just to redeem herself for having been mean to me in the past?

If she is, no thanx. I can live without a friend like that. No, really.

I wanted to ask that question to Abby, and I guess the answer was pretty much clear. Not to put myself over or anything, but this friendship of ours is made of tougher stuff than pity or self-redemption.

Frankly, I’m very much comfortable with that idea.

So Abby is a one-way best friend to me. Big deal. I do have expectations when it comes to her, and she more than bloody meets them. I don’t have to have her reciprocating the best friend deal just because it’s nicer that way. I’d rather deserve it if (Not when.) it comes along than lobby for it.

I’m getting less and less problematic with the idea that there will be pain no matter what; because bluntly speaking, the more I acknowledge the pain (In whatever degree it is.), the less inclined I would be to ever come running back to Abby one of these days. It’s not masochistic of me: it’s purely pragmatic.

I would be the first to admit that I’m a person never content with the status quo, and that makes me realize that regardless where I am, I will always ask myself the “what if’s”. Bottomline? Sometimes, I have to take my advice…

So here’s Marcelle’s advice to you, jabroni: SHUT UP, AND ENJOY.

Yeah. That sounds about right just now… wish me luck in my immersion, though. See you on Monday, jabronis!

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