Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Here’s another review! Let’s strike while the iron is hot, and see if I can send it for perusal to PDI… but then, I guess I’d have to be more spoiler free or something… again, SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle

Somebody still can’t get over bullet time…

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttled is quite a step up from the first movie in terms of special effects, but yes, even I would have to admit that there are a lot of loopholes in the story that are way too obvious. In spite of that, I was watching the movie to get an action fix, not to go and educate myself on the finer points of devising an engaging plot. As far as getting my action fix goes, CA:FT kicks Helen Zaas! And Mike Hunt, too… *KBP looks at him with contempt, waiting for him to try saying something like that on the air…*

The movie starts off with the triumvirate of Nat, Alex, and Dylan trying to rescue a U.S. Marshal who holds one ring (What’s it with movies and rings lately?) that joins with another to unlock the details about every person on the U.S. Witness Protection Program. They have quite a few run-ins with the villains, but it’s quite clear that something about the whole setup is amiss. At one point, they encounter the would-be killer of another witness, when he ends up being attacked by Creepy Thin Man from the first movie, who is simply one amazing character. What’s with the eyebrows, though? Bruce Willis even made a cameo in the film, only to get killed because he had the second ring.

At this point, Alex and Nat discover that Dylan was actually named Helen Zaas (Oh, all the puns you can throw at with a name like that…), and in testifying against her ex-boyfriend, she had to change her identity. What’s weird about this is that she’s enlisted in the witness PROTECTION program, and she’s risking her Zaas every single time she hangs around with the other Angels. But okay, let’s allow that observation to slide. They further try to investigate on Creepy Thin Man, and it turns out he has this hair fetish (Oh. That explains it…), and is one of the main benefactors to the orphanage he came from. So… he’s a good guy now? More explanations on this point, please.

Yep, they have a new Bosley, as it turns out Dan Akroyd, the first Bosley, was the adopted son of the new Bosley’s family. That was a nice silly touch, and with all the dancing and music going on, it didn’t seem the least bit out of place. More fun ensued, as for some strange reason, McGrath (Who, for some reason I forgot, was released from prison.) was keeping the rings for the one who really wanted it. That’s strange. I thought he was just one of the bidders. Well, it was clear that fan service was the order of the day, as three NAKED Angels (Guess who I was staring at…) burst out of a plaster sculpture (Good luck seeing anything… absolutely nothing there.) to get the ring. While fighting McGrath and his henchmen, Dylan discovers that McGrath is inhuman, as he walks through fire, among other things. Weird.

With so much fear in her, Dylan leaves for the safety of the other Angels. What’s ironic about this is that she was hoping to never leave the Angels, and even train new ones. She always thought that since Nat and her boyfriend moved in together, she’d be the first to go. To complicate matters further, Alex’s father thinks his daughter’s actually a doctor, only to be rebuffed by her boyfriend-on-a-timeout, Jason, and her dad is now led to believe that Alex has a rather questionable “job”. Lots of innuendo being thrown about at this point.

Pretty soon, they discover through some haphazardly-placed clues (The first of which was pineapple wax. How in Hades’ name did a surfer walk into someone’s house quietly with a freaking SURFBOARD in tow?) that the mastermind behind all of this was the Marshal they saved. Something about his ribs hurting, and him being still able to catch some keys without batting an eyelash. He’s actually in league with someone who ends up killing him, and that’s none other than Madison, a former Angel. Amazing girl, that Madison. Still gorgeous, and knows how to use her guns well. At this point, Dylan comes back. Had it not been for the Kevlar, we would’ve seen three dead Angels right off the bat. What gets to me is that the villains never seem to aim for the head in these films…

Anyways, the deal is that at the premiere of Jason’s movie, Madison will auction off the rings to different crime syndicates. A double-cross happens and most of the cartels are arrested, except McGrath’s, as he was wise to the Angels’ deceptions. Nonetheless, the obligatory fight scene, and all of a sudden, Creepy Thin Man bursts into the picture and throws McGrath off the building. He then kisses (!) Dylan, aside from ripping off her hair. Again. As he was about to speak again after all this years, McGrath shows up (Apparently, he didn’t fall.), and KILLS Creepy Thin Man (There goes my favorite character not named Lucy Liu…). Dylan strikes back by knocking him off the building. This time, she sees him fall, a little to the right of Creepy Thin Man’s body. Madison then makes her getaway, and only Dylan stays on her trail.

The two fight, but Dylan is outmatched by Madison. Of course, by this time, Nat and Alex get into the picture and take out Madison together. No, not to dinner…

Well, apparently, nearly everything about this movie was explosive. There were lots of explosive action scenes (Of course, all the bullet time still gets to me. And the spinning around on the stool was nice, but… we all know where they got the idea from…). My action fix was more than satiated here, although it still pales in comparison to Matrix Reloaded or Equilibrium. CG’s looked more believable than Reloaded, but that’s because people in biker suits are easier to render in CGI than people in long-flowing cloaks. The sex appeal was also explosive. Bah Gawd, the last dress Alex was wearing was gorgeous, and if you look closely enough, you’ll be shown quite a treat. Same with Dylan, but who cares? Even the star power was explosive. Aside from the Angels, we had Demi Moore, Bruce Willis, Eve, the Olsen Twins, Pink, and a former Angel who I presume was from the TV series. Someone please verify this, and let me know who she is…

But there’s one thing that shouldn’t have been explosive: the plot. Oh, I’m not saying that the plot was a breakthrough or anything. I’m just saying that the plot, in the vernacular, was sabog. There were so many atrocities and continuity gaffs in the whole scheme of things that it was a wonder how they managed to tie it all together to pass it off as a movie and not just a montage of action and fashion. Of course, I liked the movie. But even my eyes (Which were rather transfixed to one of the Angels. Guess which one. ::rolls eyes::) cannot gloss over all the problems with the script, and I’m sure that the stars themselves recognize it. Cameron Diaz, after all, did say something to that effect before doing the sequel…

I already mentioned a lot of loopholes in the plot that were simply too obvious to be ignored. I wish they took more time to actually iron those kinks out (Again, I ask… what’s pineapple wax doing in a murder scene?!? Unless he just so happened to have a can of it in his pocket, or he was planning to use his surfboard to commit the murder, that just didn’t make sense.), and they would actually have had a movie that’s thrice as good as the first one. Instead, it’s merely a step up over the first one in terms of style and flair, but five steps down in terms of storyline. Is it worth the tradeoff? For me, it’s perfectly fine. For most others, obviously not.

Marcelle’s Evaluation: B+