.:Honest To A Fault:.

You’re A God
by Vertical Horizon

I've gotta be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's okay
And there's somewhere beyond this, I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again, no
No, never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

But I've been unable
To put you down
I'm still learning things I ought to know by now
It's under the table, so
I need something more to show, somehow

So, never again, no
No, never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's okay
There's somewhere beyond this, I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again, no
No, never again

'Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I'd let you go

You're a god
(Oh, and I am not)
I just thought that you would know
(Oh, I thought that you would know)

You're a god
(Oh, and I am not)
I just thought
I'd let you go

So now Abby knows how my mind works, at least as far as my self-psychoanalysis was capable of uncovering. It occurred to me how weird my not being so gracious about certain things happened to be. It’s not like I really could’ve achieved that if by virtue of grades alone, but I have to say… the fact that my only shot at redemption is something that she unconsciously denied me of, it did muddle up a lot of things. Grace was wondering if the reason why Abby and I never hit it off as a couple (And I do mean “never”. We were never a couple, lest I sound ambiguous about it.) was because I was competing with her so much.

I thought about it. I really did. My conclusion is quite simple: no. It’s more likely the other way around. I compete with Abby (A not-so-volatile competition unlike a certain “queen” I know of, mind you.) is because I’m not with her. Call it a defense mechanism of sublimation if you will, but my recognition of it is not enough for me to just discard it. The way I see it, one of the best ways for me to keep from falling back into my past mistakes is to take this standpoint, which really means that for me to ensure that this is purely an academic pursuit, I would have to do my best to not end up working with her in, say, McCann. I don’t think I’d like to put myself in a position where I can say something that I know I would regret.

Abby knows it. I was never too keen on hiding things like this from her. It helps me stay up front about how I feel about the whole thing, and I make sure that I don’t place myself in a situation where I’d be guilty of stabbing her behind her back. I don’t resort to those shenanigans, and I don’t intend to start now, especially not with a great friend like her.

If she’s such a great friend, then why compete? I’ve already stated why. It’s a defense mechanism I can’t quite kick out of my system despite my awareness of it. While she may not count on me through thick and thin, she’s been more than willing to hear me out whatever be the problem. Of course, I realize that her being a great friend is dependent upon my reliance upon her, and if I were to cease asking her any favors, that viewpoint might change for some people. In any case, I don’t fault her for her achievements. I have no right to fault her for an accolade that she has earned. However, I do believe I have every right to berate myself over having been so near yet so far. There are many things that I realize I could have done so I could better myself, and yet my complacency at the start didn’t.

Moments like these, I wish I could pick up Sacha’s attitude. Maybe I’m not a Philosophy or Communication god the way Sach is, but she still didn’t really bat an eyelash over not graduating with honors. Her mind was set on the long term, whereas I compartmentalized my viewpoints into short term, midterm, and long term, and my failure in the most former is quite demoralizing to me. Let’s face it: my long term goal is something still within my reach. Maybe if I picked up Sacha’s attitude about focusing more on the long term, I wouldn’t feel so demoralized over any failures regarding my short term goals. She didn’t, and while her numerous accolades point to the fact that any more like a Cum Laude is no big deal to her, I think she wouldn’t really mind if she didn’t get those other accolades, either, so long as she was able to help.

It just occurred to me, though, that my course, Communication Arts, is not exactly somewhere that I just “want to help”. In the case of Philosophy (Even Theology, come to think of it.), however, IW’s be damned, that is so. I simply want to help. I was exceedingly elated to have known that someone I didn’t even know, a cousin of Tsumenki’s who’s also in ADMU, just went through my Theology stuff, and it was actually of help to her, despite the fact that I was working on Theology 151, and her class was Theology 121. That feeling where you did something altruistic is reward enough in itself. So fine, maybe I’m putting myself over by brining it up, but it’s merely for the sake of argument. Rest assured I wouldn’t be doing an itemized list of the people I manage to help, lest I become utilitarian about my efforts.

So I’m candidly honest to a fault. People can see a good deal of me, although I do still come across as arcane for the most part. Despite that, the things that ought to concern the people I give a damn about are brought to the attention, regardless of how bad they might end up thinking of me because of it. My thanx to Abby for understanding that my current state is merely a phase. I’m sure Mr. Paredes would disagree with me on my regrets, but I guess I’ll find a way to move beyond this. I always do.