Expect a pretty long post from me on this one… this isn’t about the Blue Roast itself, though. More like my insights regarding it…

.:Should I Let Myself Feel Dejected?:.

I recall the moment when I was fighting for Cum Laude and felt that it was so uphill a battle, I had to make myself out to earn some measure of consolation by snagging either (But preferably both.) “Batch Gifted Child” and “Crush ANG Bayan”. Considering that Sacha won the former a year ago, winning that would’ve made me feel that I was certainly in good company. Unfortunately, the Blue Roast was not meant to be my “shining moment”, per se. In the categories I was nominated for, Bobby Benedicto bagged the “Gifted Child” (Certain other people weren’t happy about it, though, not including myself. I guess a prophet really isn’t welcome in his hometown, after all.); Glenn won “Crush ANG Bayan”, which proved to be surprising to the people who actually voted me.

Normally, I’d go here and either sourgrape about how “insignificant” these batch awards really are anyway, or I’d whine and moan about how I “deserved” to win the former because of all the help I rendered my classmates in Theo and Philo, and how I “deserved” to win the latter because, well, duh. I think it’s obvious why, neh?

However, now is not a “normal” circumstance for me. I choose to be happy, and these slight humps won’t get in the way. For once, I’m taking Ma’am Sining’s advice completely, and letting myself be happy over what I have instead of moping over what I didn’t get.

Let’s face it: my goal was Cum Laude. Anything beyond that was either icing on the cake or mere Consuelo de Bobo (A fool’s consolation.). I am Cum Laude. Not to say that being recognized as the batch genius (Especially with Sach as precedent… ::snaps fingers::), or being acclaimed for what most other people who know me well enough already are familiar with (That of my affinity with a certain kind of people… the Bayan in “Crush ANG Bayan”… Chinatown, to be exact.), but I got my main goal already. I know I’m the type who always wants the arm when I get the hand, but I think that a bit of prudence on my part would do me well, and since I’m smiling both within and without at this moment, I think I’m beginning to learn when to stop asking for more.

So to Bobby and Glenn, congratulations. The mere fact I was nominated ought to be enough for me already (Although I swear, the CAB award is something I know few people would dispute once they know me.). To my other friends who won their respective categories, such as Charles in “Master Stalker” and “Pasan Ko Ang Daigdig” (“I Carry The World”); Bro in “Drama King”; Carl Clemente as “Batch QUEEN”; Willard and Mich for the “Plume Award”; Bobby Bonifacio and Shar Tan for “Cut! Award”; and any other friends whom I may have missed, congratulations and see you jabronis in the future. This Blue Roast did little to increase my sentimentality, but it sure got me around to learning when enough is enough.

Most of all, to Abby, who will be graduating as our Departmental Awardee, my wholehearted congratulations. For this magical moment, the bitterness subsides, and only my sheer pride in the accomplishment of one of my most treasured friends ever stands out. I realize that this isn’t about me. It isn’t even about you. This is simply our story as a collective whole: we came into this world without having earned our entry into it, and in anything we do, irregardless of the recognition or lack thereof, if we believe we have given our all, that will always be adequate in heaven’s eyes.

.:On Sugarfree And Matchbox Twenty:.

Mariposa
by Sugarfree

Alam mo bang
Kanina pa ako magdamag
Nang nakatingin sa 'yo
At 'di mo lang alam
Sa gitna ng kadilimang
'Di mapakali, ako'y nabighani

'Di mo lang alam, inaasam
Ang panahong makapiling ka
Sa una't huling pagkakataon

Dahil dito, sa Mariposa
Ay mahirap ang nag-iisa
Dito, sa Mariposa
Ako lang yata ang nag-iisa

Nagsisising
Matatapos ang gabing alam naman nating
Meron nang taning
Nagsisising
Gigising sa katotohanang
'Di ka naman talaga akin

'Di mo lang alam, inaasam
Ang panahong makapiling ka
Sa una't huling pagkakataon

Dahil dito, sa Mariposa
Ay mahirap ang nag-iisa
Dito, sa Mariposa
Ako lang yata ang nag-iisa

Ayoko nang mag-isa
Ayoko nang mag-isa
Ayoko nang mag-isa
Ayoko na...

Sugarfree performed! Bah Gawd, I can’t help but feel that surge of joy when they sang one of my self-anthems (A sad anthem, but one that I stand for in defiance, nonetheless.) along with Matchbox Twenty’s “Unwell”, “Mariposa” (The name of some motel. Literally translates as “Butterfly”.). I love this song. It always humbles me and reminds me that my path of being a loner has led me to having relatively few and diverse friends (I hardly could say I belong to this clique or that barkada.), but those that I have, are more often than not, those worth keeping for a lifetime.

A true loner is never lonely. He chooses to be with those whom he holds dear, rarely bothers to conform to fit into the mold, yet doesn’t particularly stand out either. In spite of these seemingly demeaning realizations, what matters is that this loner holds onto friendships that do matter. Friendships that while do not hold together a single unifying cord except himself, this loner is indeed happy and content with that.

So maybe I’m just a little unwell and I don’t want to be lonely. Yet in these walls I have placed myself in, where my being a lone wolf is but a paradox of the wide range of people I connect with, these walls are my refuge: safe in the knowledge that I can touch different lives through my varied abilities. I am genuinely happy at this point. Any regrets, any frustrations, any other baggage I may have carried with me until the last moment of my college life, I carelessly toss into the wind. Perhaps some would come back, perhaps some would forever cease to haunt me. But that is a bridge I can cross only when I get there.

The insights Marcelle can glean from a mere performance of a song…

.:My Last Will And Testament…:.

… as my college self dies, yet becomes inextricably an immortal part of my existence. All these things I leave with each of you. Whether I carry on in whatever I have imparted with you, let it not be said that I have never given back to all those people who made a difference in my college life.

To my fellow graduates, both those whose paths have crossed with mine, and those who have not. I leave to you my warmest congratulations and my gratitude for giving me four years that I would willingly go through again, if needed be. We’ve come a long way, jabronis. Whatever the future may hold for us, what is of consequence is our moment of triumph over four or so years of laughter and tears.

To my blockmates and the rest of my fellow AB COM batchmates, who became an indelible part of my life, I leave you my fondest memories in my college life. Perhaps I wasn’t as close to most of you as I would’ve wanted to be, but rest assured that I treasure being a Communications major, if only to find myself in the company of people I respect and enjoy the company of, no matter what the circumstances may be. I cannot deny that regardless of where I would end up in the future, I would never want to turn back time and have chosen a different course.

To the Ateneo Debate Society, I leave you my catchphrases and quotable quotes. I was never among your elite, and I have only myself to blame for that, but it was a blast rubbing elbows with arguably Asia’s finest for the past four years.

To Dr. Sev Sarmenta, Mr. Lorenzana, and all my other college professors, I leave you my legacy, however meager it may have been. Thank you for having filled me with not merely knowledge, but the beginnings of wisdom as I go about this journey we all call life. I cannot help but believe that your different contributions to my growth have instilled in me a different viewpoint on things. I hope to call you my colleagues someday soon. Perhaps sooner than you all think.

To Mr. Jim Paredes and Ma’am Sining, I leave you the fruits of my exercise of my free will. The both of you have been the greatest “Advocates of Creativity” that I have ever had in my college life, and in whatever form or expression I find, I realize that you have both been there behind me each step of the way. Your indispensable pragmatic advice for life has never failed to guide me through each crisis or hurdle that I encountered over my college years.

To Dr. Barbazza, Mr. Bulaong, and Mr. Callassanz, I leave you my undying passion for Philosophy. In your different ways, you have all helped me find a road to fulfillment that I willingly choose without any imposition on your part. I am grateful to you for opening my eyes to this realization, no matter what the consequence of my endeavor may be.

To The Pantheon and the rest of the Wednesday Gang, I leave you my unyielding support. In all you may do, and in all you may go through, regardless of how many times we may fall out with one another, I’d always be around. You can count on that. Thank you for bringing joy to my Wednesdays, if only for the shortest time.

To Chico, Delamar, Brad Turvey, and the rest of RX 93.1, I leave you my indefatigable dedication to wake up at ungodly hours just to be there for you. Chico and Delle, you two were always great friends, as well as trainers. Radio 1 and my work experience with you two and the rest of RX will hopefully lead me to be working with you further in the near future. Chix and Delle, thank you so much for being such a great inspiration and influence in my life. Brad, you’ve likewise been a really good friend and genuinely nice person. I still owe you one for having let me talk with Pia Guanio.

To Ato, Elvin, Yaiba, Kendra, Angelo, Jobert, Franco, Gio, JB, Cyril, and the rest of the Calf Up people, I leave to you my fond recollections of moments of fun and laughter, and unparalleled musings over the serious and at times even melancholic. You jabronis are the closest thing I ever had to a barkada, and I’m grateful that you accepted me as your friend.

To all the people who were, are, and will be on the infamous CP list (I don’t think I ought to mention them all by name…), I leave you my fondest affection. I’m grateful to the most of you for being such great sports and having taken this whole long-running thing as a tongue-in-cheek deal. I’m grateful at having been friends with you people, and, and… ::nosebleed::

To Elbert, Mich, Don, and Angie, I leave you my confidence. I have trusted the four of you a great deal throughout my college life, and I must thank you all for having safeguarded the things that I have told you all in confidence. I also thank you for all the moral support and encouragement you’ve given me for the longest time, or in Elbert’s case, the ribbing meant to light a fire under me to do something, and the “non-breast” jokes.

To Ronan, Glenn, Kyle, Jason, MarkPoa, and the rest of my LJ/weblog buddies, I leave you my unparalleled mammoth posts. Every single time I hear feedback from you people, it always makes my day, knowing that people actually give a damn about what I have to say. And yes, I also care about what you have to say. A lot.

To Imo, I leave you the fruits of our long semester of work. You were the thesis partner that I picked out of nowhere, yet that choice was second to none. No issues, no personal considerations, just two acquaintances who are now relatively good friends who just wanted to get the job done. You can’t begin to understand how much I appreciate having been your thesis partner.

To Sacha, Peppy, and Eric Vidal, I leave you the little knowledge I have of binary code. Though we never really connected much when it came to computers, I’m inclined to believe that I have found great friends in you people, and arguably quite an inspiration for greatness in Sacha. Whether it be sitting in on CS 21B or videoke night or simply going to the arcades and playing Dance Maniax or Percussion Freaks, the moments in between was never at a loss for intelligent and meaningful conversation.

To Cami and Diane Sayo, I leave you my most heartfelt words of encouragement, gratitude, and endearment. The both of you have been very special people to me, especially this past year, whether with all the stories and jokes we shared, or simply the moments that you realized how much I appreciated your company, and appreciated me right back. I know I’d still run into you jabronis in the future, and I eagerly anticipate that moment. Thank you especially for being very beautiful human beings who never failed to brighten up my day.

To my parents, I leave you my achievements and milestones in my college life. None of this would have been possible without your being behind me emotionally, spiritually, and even financially every step of the way. In fact, I wouldn’t be here at all without my mom and my dad, nor would I flourish so much without my mom and my stepfather. When you hang that medal on me on my graduation day, I cannot help but believe that I should rather be hanging that medal on you.

To *jaded* and Tsumenki and the rest of Otakuboard, I leave you my great appreciation, care, and respect. Thank you, *jaded* and Tsumenki, for having been two of the best friends I have ever had in my life. Thank you, OB, for letting me find an online place I can call my home. While I expect no reciprocity, I still am elated to find some measure of it that you willingly accord to me. I’m exceedingly glad that you people have been there for me through thick and thin, and even when we had problems, we never failed to work it out. My hats off to the both of you wonderful, wonderful people.

To Abby, I leave you my unfailing loyalty and sense of worth to our friendship. I don’t know what I wouldn’t give to have you regard me likewise as your best friend, but wherever we stand at present, I am glad. I know how long our history goes, but with every single day we have spent as friends, I am more and more convinced that you are worth all of this regard. Without a doubt, you are that special a person in my life, in all these eight years we have known each other. I will always care, and I will always be around for you, come what may. This friendship has withstood the test of time, and amid all the questions and ambiguities, one thing is clear: this is a friendship worth holding onto.

To Grace, I leave you my love, devotion, and my heart. You and I have been together for four years and counting, and yet it seems just like yesterday when you and I encountered each other by pure chance through RX. You’ve been my greatest friend ever, you’ve been the one person who would go out on a limb for me even if I never had to ask you to. Ultimately, you’ve been the one person who made me feel truly special by making me feel worthy of being loved, of being cherished, and of simply being called someone’s “boyfriend”. You are my strength, my Earthly center. I know I’ve been far from perfect for you, but no matter how many hurdles our relationship has to overcome, no matter where we would stand days, weeks, months, or years from now, you can be sure that I will always be your best friend, and I will always love you, in whatever capacity that I may manifest such love. Truly, I have been saved by God’s Grace when you, my one-winged angel, came along, and gave merit to this one wing I likewise possess. I love you, Grace.

Most of all, to God, I give You the whole of my being, the whole of my existence. Nothing is possible without You. In whatever name people may know You, be it Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, or Jesus, Your unmistakable presence, felt in every single thing in this world that feels too right to be coincidence, strengthens me, and humbles me. I am strengthened in the realization that there is Someone who is ultimate that watches over me and all of existence. I am humbled in the realization that this Someone will always be the benchmark that I strive for but never quite attain. Despite my inevitable imperfections, You, my God, are simply my telos, my ultimate end, par excellence, bar none.