Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Let me post this before I say something to almost completely nullify this... but it was still valid...

a poem by Marcelle T. Fabie

It's time to go home now. Nothing left to see.
I try to think of nothing as I go on my way.
Yet memories of you still overwhelm me.
With a vengeance, the pain shall surely stay.
It's over, it's through, yet we can't move on.
Though we love each other, the end is here.
Disbelief hits us, all this seems so wrong.
Yet the truth, with a vengeance, is all too clear.

Now I'm by my lonesome, homeward bound.
Or is this really home? Wasn't home with you?
If the world could stop, and let me get off now.
Then all would realize what we had was true.
The melody may be jagged, the harmony bitter,
yet what goes behind all this is far from a trend.
I know you'd find someone who'd love you better.
Perhaps I was meant to be alone in the end

This is not home for me, I realize too late.

.:There's Just No Easy Way To Break Somebody's Heart:.

Grace and I were talking on the phone this evening, to the point that I completely ended up not doing my paper in research class already. I would like to think all this was worth it, though.

It's no surprise that Grace and I still have feelings for one another, but it makes me feel guilty that she has more difficulty moving on than I do, given how difficult it is for her to stop treating me like her boyfriend from last night. I understand her. I know that the only way for her to move on is for her to stop feeling this way about us. Inasmuch as I don't wish to let go of that, if only to remind me how much she means to me, she, on the other hand, cannot but help and feel hurt every time this happens.

I wish there were an easy way for all of this, but I recognize that this is nothing but an illusion for me. I realize that I'd be fooling myself to say that all this is easy, to put a stopper on my heart and hold myself back from loving someone and falling in love with someone, all the same. Grace and I were crying. Because we miss each other. We miss us. In so many ways I cannot begin to explain, Grace was the only person who really knew how to make me happy. I would like to think that for the most part, I made her happy, too.

But in the end, sometimes, love just isn't quite enough to keep two people together. Sometimes, even, love is just strong enough for both to realize that perhaps, at this point, their true happiness is not really with one another. Maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong. Despite that, they still love each other, no matter how hard they try to forget that inextricable fact. No matter how hard they try to suppress it.

I still love you, Grace. That's precisely why I had to let go. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I could keep on hurting you. You know that. I love you so much, and God knows that I never regretted all this time we were together...

You're right. It's not easy to just go on with life and ignore what has happened. Even I still can't begin to believe that it's over between us. That there no longer is any “us” to speak of. Old habits die hard, and yet I cannot stop myself from telling you how much I love you, if only to remind myself precisely why I had to let go. If I were just a mite more selfish, I would never have let go. But I know it can't be right that way.

I love you. In so many ways I cannot quite describe, I know I do. And I always will. My only regret is that in spite of my love for you, I have been nothing but a failure as a boyfriend to you.

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